Tuesday, July 26, 2005
On Hiatus.......
I am taking a little trip to Montreal, home of Pierre Trudeau and about 2 million chain smokers. I was there once before a couple of years ago to watch an Expos game and its a beautiful city so im going back.......... my posting will return sunday.
Friday, July 22, 2005
Weimar Republic/ B.E.T. Un-cut
Still having trouble with the titles for these posts, so I thought I would put my history degree to use and start naming these things after certain people, governments, and places that I had overheard of before falling asleep in one of the many hundreds of classes I went to over the last four years. Thats one thing Im going to miss the most about school..........the sleeping in class, and Im not b.s.ing about this either I wasnt one of those people who pretended to sleep as a way to attract attention and once the teacher called on me wake up alertly and look for a cheap laugh, oh no I never slept more peacefully in my life than when I had the sounds of a professor droning on for over an hour, but I digress. I didnt get a chance to watch tonights Tigers game because it wasnt on Fox Sports, but I do know they lost, and from what I read in the Detroit News it was ugly. Jason Johnson got lit up to the tune of 8 runs, same as he did earlier this year but at least he lasted longer than a third of an inning today.
So I have really nothing to add about todays game, so Im going to write about something that I think is long overdue. Earlier this year I posted about how Nick GAS was the greatest late night television network ever. This may have been the stupidest thing I ever wrote. Although GAS is great, nothing will ever be able to top B.E.T.'s Un-cut. In case your unfamiliar with this program its three hours of the most sexually explicit videos from the most obscure rap "artists" in the country. I put the parentheses around artist not because I don't respect rap music, but the people that appear on this program would a hard time drawing a crowd to the Holden Hall 2nd Floor Meeting, or if these guys were holding a live show in my garage I dont think I would go check it out.
The first ballot hall of famers for Un-Cut would be:
1. A rapper known as Isaiah who seemingly puts out a new video every week, which isnt that hard as the only thing required to shoot his video is a jacuzzi, a bottle of Arbor Mist, and lots of drugs not too mention an endless supply of white sorority girls, who are giving their dads a class action brain aneurysm, as well as the most hit out, worn down, depressing strippers the city of Decatur has to offer.
2. Hustle Mania: This is a pair of rappers with a combined weight of 1300 lbs., which is exactly half the total number of girls who shake their....... err......I mean p-pop in their video, tastefully titled Bend Over.
3. Black Jesus: He is responsible for the worst rap song of all time. Me and my friends couldnt believe it was actually happening, so we Googled his name, and got ZERO search results.......at least for rappers with that name.......which led us to the conclusion that this actually may not have happened, seeing as how we saw the video after 10 hours of Nintendo 64 Super Smash Bros. and we all know Nintendo eyes can be just as dangerous as any hallucinogen.
4. The Mighty Casey: 2 words "White Girls". 4 more words Greatest Rap Song..........EVER.
Another great part of Un-Cut, at least for a sports fan, is identifying the thousands of throwback jerseys worn by said obscure rappers. This isnt as easy as the mainstream rappers, who stick to the Dr. J's, Bill Russells, and Walter Payton's of the world. Oh no this is far more challenging, as tonight I saw a throwback Haywood Jefferies jersey. Haywood Jefferies. Apparently the Stephone Paige jerseys were sold out. The contemporary jerseys are always pretty good too because it allows you to see whats on sale at the Sports Authority without actually leaving the house. I can think of no stronger evidence to support this than the fact that I saw two Joey Harrington Lions jerseys tonight alone. The other cliches in these videos that never get old, and are always wildly entertaining is the slow motion smoke pouring out of peoples noses and mouths, and its always amazing at how adept all rappers are at riding ATVS. I think this skill has actually replaced rhyming as the most important qualification on becoming a rap star. In an attempt to allow the owners and programmers at BET to sleep at night, or possibly avoid going straight to hell, they immediately follow up Un-Cut with about 5 hours of religious programming, which performs the task of a mass exorcism for the whole network. So the next thing you see after watching a girl shake her blurred out crotch in slow motion while two guys pour Boones Farm on it is a man who looks a lot like Phil Hartman telling you of the evils of everything you just watched. If your not careful the quick 180 may be enough to cause a great amount of internal bleeding or at least the loss of your 3:30 A.M. Strawberry Pop Tart.
I don't know what kind of tone this post has taken but I certainly hope it isnt preachy because I by no means intend to condemn B.E.T. or lecture the reader about the evils of rap and p- popping, in fact I encourage you, implore you, to watch this program. Hopefully I ve made Bob Johnson a little richer, and maybe one day he can reward me for filling his pockets by letting a true American Hero The Mighty Casey sing the national anthem at a Charlotte Bobcats game because it would help me unwind. (White Girls running through my mind...................)
So I have really nothing to add about todays game, so Im going to write about something that I think is long overdue. Earlier this year I posted about how Nick GAS was the greatest late night television network ever. This may have been the stupidest thing I ever wrote. Although GAS is great, nothing will ever be able to top B.E.T.'s Un-cut. In case your unfamiliar with this program its three hours of the most sexually explicit videos from the most obscure rap "artists" in the country. I put the parentheses around artist not because I don't respect rap music, but the people that appear on this program would a hard time drawing a crowd to the Holden Hall 2nd Floor Meeting, or if these guys were holding a live show in my garage I dont think I would go check it out.
The first ballot hall of famers for Un-Cut would be:
1. A rapper known as Isaiah who seemingly puts out a new video every week, which isnt that hard as the only thing required to shoot his video is a jacuzzi, a bottle of Arbor Mist, and lots of drugs not too mention an endless supply of white sorority girls, who are giving their dads a class action brain aneurysm, as well as the most hit out, worn down, depressing strippers the city of Decatur has to offer.
2. Hustle Mania: This is a pair of rappers with a combined weight of 1300 lbs., which is exactly half the total number of girls who shake their....... err......I mean p-pop in their video, tastefully titled Bend Over.
3. Black Jesus: He is responsible for the worst rap song of all time. Me and my friends couldnt believe it was actually happening, so we Googled his name, and got ZERO search results.......at least for rappers with that name.......which led us to the conclusion that this actually may not have happened, seeing as how we saw the video after 10 hours of Nintendo 64 Super Smash Bros. and we all know Nintendo eyes can be just as dangerous as any hallucinogen.
4. The Mighty Casey: 2 words "White Girls". 4 more words Greatest Rap Song..........EVER.
Another great part of Un-Cut, at least for a sports fan, is identifying the thousands of throwback jerseys worn by said obscure rappers. This isnt as easy as the mainstream rappers, who stick to the Dr. J's, Bill Russells, and Walter Payton's of the world. Oh no this is far more challenging, as tonight I saw a throwback Haywood Jefferies jersey. Haywood Jefferies. Apparently the Stephone Paige jerseys were sold out. The contemporary jerseys are always pretty good too because it allows you to see whats on sale at the Sports Authority without actually leaving the house. I can think of no stronger evidence to support this than the fact that I saw two Joey Harrington Lions jerseys tonight alone. The other cliches in these videos that never get old, and are always wildly entertaining is the slow motion smoke pouring out of peoples noses and mouths, and its always amazing at how adept all rappers are at riding ATVS. I think this skill has actually replaced rhyming as the most important qualification on becoming a rap star. In an attempt to allow the owners and programmers at BET to sleep at night, or possibly avoid going straight to hell, they immediately follow up Un-Cut with about 5 hours of religious programming, which performs the task of a mass exorcism for the whole network. So the next thing you see after watching a girl shake her blurred out crotch in slow motion while two guys pour Boones Farm on it is a man who looks a lot like Phil Hartman telling you of the evils of everything you just watched. If your not careful the quick 180 may be enough to cause a great amount of internal bleeding or at least the loss of your 3:30 A.M. Strawberry Pop Tart.
I don't know what kind of tone this post has taken but I certainly hope it isnt preachy because I by no means intend to condemn B.E.T. or lecture the reader about the evils of rap and p- popping, in fact I encourage you, implore you, to watch this program. Hopefully I ve made Bob Johnson a little richer, and maybe one day he can reward me for filling his pockets by letting a true American Hero The Mighty Casey sing the national anthem at a Charlotte Bobcats game because it would help me unwind. (White Girls running through my mind...................)
Thursday, July 21, 2005
Tigers Mid-Season Report Card cont.
First Im going to quickly finish up the midseason grades.
Kevin Hooper: Grade I. I ve only seen this guy in the lineup a couple of times, and was surprised to see that Eddie Gaedel was still so nimble at the age of 80, and yes I had to look up his age, had I been able to give the birthdate of the only midget baseball player off of the top of my head I would have hanged myself.
Omar Infante: Grade C-. I was expecting big things from Omar this year, but he was disappointing to say the least. At least hes got style though. Ive always been envious of Latin baseball players because they are always able to pull off the baggy white pants, white cleats look, which I kind of like. If I were to play I dont think I would have a choice but to rock the stirrups, or flood as bad as Jason Johnson does, because Im white and goony and I think it stipulates somewhere in the rulebook that those are the only two looks allowed to people who fit such a description.
Brandon Inge: Grade B+. This grade should probably be an A just for the fact that he is NOT Eric Munson, or Chris Truby, or Jose Macias. Inge has been solid though and Im glad to see him doing well, seeing as where he came from just two years ago when he was just absolutely atrocious at the plate.
Flaccido Polanco: Grade A. Polanco has been great, Ive raved about him a couple of times already and really dont have much to add because he hasnt played in the last 7 games. However a friend of mine came up with an even better description of his head. Milk Dud shaped. Perfect.
Meat Hook: Grade D+. Ive been disappointed by the Hook this year seeing as how he is one of my favorite players on the team, but I think he might be getting tired pitching under the assumed name Fernando Rodney (they have to be the same person). I mean this was a guy who was on pace for 486 homeruns at one point this season and now hes got only 16. What happened.
Nook Logan. Grade B. Maybe this should be higher seeing as how he is a rookie, but a B seems about right. Hes definitely cooled down a little bit with the bat but hes so fast its still exciting to watch him, way more fun then Milt Cuyler ever was, or Brian L. Hunter and his .096 OBP.
Craig Monroe. Grade B+. Monroe is great but I cant like him because my friend Tizzy LOVES him. Me and Tizzy went to a Tigers game two years ago and he called a Monroe homerun and the two have been in love ever since. Even more amazing than calling the homerun was Tizzy calling a Chris Shelton swinging bunt, during a game about a week ago. I also like Monroe after he got caught trying to steal a belt that cost like 30 dollars. My friends and I came up with the theory that it was Monroes way of keeping it real, you know not letting the gangstas in Texakarna think he had forgot where he was from.
Magglio. Grade A-. This will probably be an A + by seasons end if he keeps hitting like he has the past week or so. I still cant believe this guy is a Tiger, its so weird to see someone that good in a Tiger uniform, no offense to Pudge but he just doesnt have the same kind of plate presence that Magglio has. Hopefully that electroshock/banned in the US/performed by a backstore Austrian knee "surgeon"operation this offseason holds up for the next five years, and to think that scared other teams off. Pffft.
Rondell White. Grade A. Or Rock as Rod Allen and only Rod Allen calls him. Rondell is great, just because hes so solid and so cheap making only three million this year. Hopefully they work something out with him because I wouldnt mind seeing him stick around a couple of more years. Hes also a guy who seems like he should have had a much better career than his actual numbers indicate.
And that concludes the midseason report on the Tigers, an accomplishment for me because I think its the first post Ive actually set out to do started and completed even if it did take me two days.
Now some quick thoughts.
The other big news in Detroit is the Larry Brown saga. Personally I think its kind of anti climactic, although there was a moment a week ago that I actually thought Brown would be coming back. Oh well both Brown and the Pistons got what they wanted out of the arrangement, which was almost back to back NBA titles, and now begins the Flip Saunders era. I like Flip because, well, his name is Flip, and the only other Flips Ive heard of are pretty good. Flip Wilson and Flipper Anderson (yes that counts) who I racked up 383 receiving yards with in a game of Tecmo Super Bowl. I also like how Flip always looks drunk, I mean thirty seconds into every game his tie is loosened, jacket open and hair messed up. I like the disheveled look in coaches. However I think if I were the Pistons I would have given Izzo a call just to see if he would be interested, because why not?
HomeRun Derby took place at Comerica, and Pudge represented the Tigers well. The highlight of the night was Bobby Abreu, not for his 24 homerun first round record, but for my dad mistaking him for a different person twice in the same round. First asking if it were "Axelrod" and then Sammy Sosa. Also do you think Andruw Jones felt a great swell of pride representing wooden shoes and windmills for the Netherlands?
Article in Entertainment Weekly where Tawny Kitaen took time out from scratching Chuck Finleys eyes out and fighting him in the car to rate the Paris Hilton/Jessica Simpson commercial and video respectively. You mean she was available for this, how could one White Snake video lead to 20 years of pseudo fame. Amazing.
Finally I want to start wearing a poncho. I think they look cool, but Im not bold enough to ever act upon this feeling. Ill think about it, get frustrated thinking of all the things I want to tell the poncho, how I feel about it and such. Sit silently, and then start crying. And why were ponchos popular in the deep south and Mexico, who thought it was a good idea to wear a heavy blanket over clothes in 100 degree weather?
Kevin Hooper: Grade I. I ve only seen this guy in the lineup a couple of times, and was surprised to see that Eddie Gaedel was still so nimble at the age of 80, and yes I had to look up his age, had I been able to give the birthdate of the only midget baseball player off of the top of my head I would have hanged myself.
Omar Infante: Grade C-. I was expecting big things from Omar this year, but he was disappointing to say the least. At least hes got style though. Ive always been envious of Latin baseball players because they are always able to pull off the baggy white pants, white cleats look, which I kind of like. If I were to play I dont think I would have a choice but to rock the stirrups, or flood as bad as Jason Johnson does, because Im white and goony and I think it stipulates somewhere in the rulebook that those are the only two looks allowed to people who fit such a description.
Brandon Inge: Grade B+. This grade should probably be an A just for the fact that he is NOT Eric Munson, or Chris Truby, or Jose Macias. Inge has been solid though and Im glad to see him doing well, seeing as where he came from just two years ago when he was just absolutely atrocious at the plate.
Flaccido Polanco: Grade A. Polanco has been great, Ive raved about him a couple of times already and really dont have much to add because he hasnt played in the last 7 games. However a friend of mine came up with an even better description of his head. Milk Dud shaped. Perfect.
Meat Hook: Grade D+. Ive been disappointed by the Hook this year seeing as how he is one of my favorite players on the team, but I think he might be getting tired pitching under the assumed name Fernando Rodney (they have to be the same person). I mean this was a guy who was on pace for 486 homeruns at one point this season and now hes got only 16. What happened.
Nook Logan. Grade B. Maybe this should be higher seeing as how he is a rookie, but a B seems about right. Hes definitely cooled down a little bit with the bat but hes so fast its still exciting to watch him, way more fun then Milt Cuyler ever was, or Brian L. Hunter and his .096 OBP.
Craig Monroe. Grade B+. Monroe is great but I cant like him because my friend Tizzy LOVES him. Me and Tizzy went to a Tigers game two years ago and he called a Monroe homerun and the two have been in love ever since. Even more amazing than calling the homerun was Tizzy calling a Chris Shelton swinging bunt, during a game about a week ago. I also like Monroe after he got caught trying to steal a belt that cost like 30 dollars. My friends and I came up with the theory that it was Monroes way of keeping it real, you know not letting the gangstas in Texakarna think he had forgot where he was from.
Magglio. Grade A-. This will probably be an A + by seasons end if he keeps hitting like he has the past week or so. I still cant believe this guy is a Tiger, its so weird to see someone that good in a Tiger uniform, no offense to Pudge but he just doesnt have the same kind of plate presence that Magglio has. Hopefully that electroshock/banned in the US/performed by a backstore Austrian knee "surgeon"operation this offseason holds up for the next five years, and to think that scared other teams off. Pffft.
Rondell White. Grade A. Or Rock as Rod Allen and only Rod Allen calls him. Rondell is great, just because hes so solid and so cheap making only three million this year. Hopefully they work something out with him because I wouldnt mind seeing him stick around a couple of more years. Hes also a guy who seems like he should have had a much better career than his actual numbers indicate.
And that concludes the midseason report on the Tigers, an accomplishment for me because I think its the first post Ive actually set out to do started and completed even if it did take me two days.
Now some quick thoughts.
The other big news in Detroit is the Larry Brown saga. Personally I think its kind of anti climactic, although there was a moment a week ago that I actually thought Brown would be coming back. Oh well both Brown and the Pistons got what they wanted out of the arrangement, which was almost back to back NBA titles, and now begins the Flip Saunders era. I like Flip because, well, his name is Flip, and the only other Flips Ive heard of are pretty good. Flip Wilson and Flipper Anderson (yes that counts) who I racked up 383 receiving yards with in a game of Tecmo Super Bowl. I also like how Flip always looks drunk, I mean thirty seconds into every game his tie is loosened, jacket open and hair messed up. I like the disheveled look in coaches. However I think if I were the Pistons I would have given Izzo a call just to see if he would be interested, because why not?
HomeRun Derby took place at Comerica, and Pudge represented the Tigers well. The highlight of the night was Bobby Abreu, not for his 24 homerun first round record, but for my dad mistaking him for a different person twice in the same round. First asking if it were "Axelrod" and then Sammy Sosa. Also do you think Andruw Jones felt a great swell of pride representing wooden shoes and windmills for the Netherlands?
Article in Entertainment Weekly where Tawny Kitaen took time out from scratching Chuck Finleys eyes out and fighting him in the car to rate the Paris Hilton/Jessica Simpson commercial and video respectively. You mean she was available for this, how could one White Snake video lead to 20 years of pseudo fame. Amazing.
Finally I want to start wearing a poncho. I think they look cool, but Im not bold enough to ever act upon this feeling. Ill think about it, get frustrated thinking of all the things I want to tell the poncho, how I feel about it and such. Sit silently, and then start crying. And why were ponchos popular in the deep south and Mexico, who thought it was a good idea to wear a heavy blanket over clothes in 100 degree weather?
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
Tigers Mid-Season Report Card
I havent posted in nearly two weeks, because I have been battling a viral infection, so im sorry to my two regular readers and all of the people who accidentally click on the link to this page from the 1996 Detroit Tigers baseball-reference page that I sponsor. To get an idea about how pathetic my page viewings are I have put a counter at the bottom of this site. Apparently there are blogs that contain family photos of vacations to Yellowstone that are more interesting than anything I have to write. But yes I have been sick, nothing life threatening, but just sick enough to where I don't feel well enough to do anything. Compounding this sickness is the fact that it has been on average 265 degrees during the month of July here in Michigan, which means I have been fortunate enough, or finally had an excuse to do nothing but watch baseball, namely the Tigers. So Im going to do a quick midseason report on the Tigers, with grades and everything, because frankly thats my favorite sports writing gimmick. So enjoy Kevin................... Ill resume my RBI rundown at a later date, and don't think I dont want to finish that series because that game is great and it allows me to draw on my bank of useless baseball trivia, about non descript players from the 80's whose drug dealers dont even know they played professionally let alone have had a knife thrown at them.
Kyle Farnsworth: Grade: A. I was going to give Farnsworth an A- even though his performance on the field this year has been amazing. Hes gone something like 25 innings and only allowed a single run. However I was going to give him a minus because I had been disappointed with him in the fact that he hadnt lived up to his psycho billing, and then stated that he was more mature this year and ready to take on responsibilities. Boring. Responsibilities? What! wheres the guy throwing lawn chairs on the field, kicking air conditioners, being to hung over to pitch in day games, what happened? Well the Farnsworth I had hoped to know and love but was giving up on came through against the Royals on Sunday. When he circled the scrum and tackled Jeremy Affeldt to the ground, which was reminiscent of his Paul Wilson beatdown he delivered a few years ago. Not only that but he took down the Affeldt who was fantasy baseball poison for me last season, and yes I hold lifelong grudges against 20th round fantasy picks who fail to perform How can you not love a pitcher who has a signature bench clearing brawl move. They need to sign this guy to an extension, make him the closer give him big money. Please Mr. Illitch, Mr. Dombrowski, anybody............... please.
Doug Creek. Grade: I. Doug Creek plays for the Tigers? Who is this guy, did Matt Ginter change his name. Where is Matt Ginter, are him and his banjo back in Triple A. Did he even exist? How can a guy like Creek with a career ERA over 5 play 10 big league seasons? Oh hes left handed thats right. When I have a kid Im going to tie his right arm behind his back and make sure hes lefthanded just so he can enjoy a long big league career no matter how ineffective he is. Go ahead call Child Services. Im going to make Marv Marinovich and Bing Crosby look like Fathers of the Year.
Craig Dingman. Grade: I. Craig Dingman is back with the Tigers? How? Hes not even left handed.
Sean Douglass: Grade: A. So far hes pitched well, I remember he used to be an Orioles prospect or something, but was a total spazz (or is it one z) and never stuck with a team that long, But as long as he keeps pitching as good as he has this season hes alright.
Franklyn German: Grade: B+. He hasnt really pitched well in his appearances since the break, but so far this season hes been a effective reliever.........errr I wish I could add something about him, but I cant think of anything noteworthy that hes done, which is good if your a reliever.
Jason Johnson: Grade B. I dont think Ill ever really warm to this guy because he seems like he would be a total prick for some reason, and not the good kind like Reggie Jackson, or Terrell Owens, guys who are so brash and arrogant that you cant take them to serious. Johsnon seems like a whiny brooding jerk. That and he had a bitch session after being pulled out of a game after the seventh that the Tigers ended up losing. Hes been good though and deserves more than the 6 wins hes gotten this year.
Mike Maroth: Grade C+. Maybe Im being to hard on Mike, but he seems so hittable, I think I could get a hit off of Maroth. Hes so effortless and slow that it looks like hes throwing batting practice. He has been pitching better of late though, and hes seems like the one Tiger I identify with the last five years or so of bad teams because hes always been there, and Id hate to see him gone.
Nate Robertson: D-..........no B. I hate Robertson because he pitches EVERY GAME I GO TO. I dont think hes pitched since the last time I was there either, and I plan on going again this weekend and if hes pitching Ill refuse to watch, no offense to him, but I need variety, I need excitement, I feel like Ive been in a long relationship with a girlfriend and need some time to myself for a week or two. Or at least thats what my friends in relationships tells me it feels like.
Fernando Rodney. Grade A-. If Farnsworth leaves Rodney has got to be the closer next year. This guy throws changeups ranging from nasty to unhittable. The 7 K's the other night against the Royals over three innings was incredible. The ball was disappearing, and the Gotay's and Teahans of the world have no chance. Speaking of which, I wrote earlier this year that the Devil Rays were the saddest, most irrelevant team, but after watching the Royals series Im having second thoughts, but Im not going to elaborate here. Anyways a nasty changeup is my favorite pitch to watch, and Rodneys is awesome, not Santana awesome, as the immortal Rod Allen was comparing it with but nasty in its own right.
Chris Spurling. F. This is a "what have you done for me lately" grade and the last thing I remember Spurling doing was giving up three bombs including one to Juan Uribe that was so huge had it been on RBI it would have made such a high pitch whistle as it was leaving the park that it would have made your ears bleed. Also Spurling has a horrible tattoo on his right elbow, and wears that ridiculous medallion with his number on it. This guy seems to take himself way to serious, especially for a middling relief pitcher whose only been in the big leagues for two years. I wish we would have kept Matt Roney and his size 11 3/8 head instead of Spurling. Yuck.
Jamie Walker: Grade A-. Walker has been good at what he does...............whatever that is.
Jeremy Bonderman. Grade A. Bonderman is great, Ive wrote at length about him a couple of times and really have nothing new to add at the moment. To bad he couldnt have gone to the All-Star game instead of Kenny Rogers, although Im glad Detroit fans booed Rogers both before and during the game, not so much for what he did to the cameraman but for taking Bondermans spot. Because who cares about cameramen, their not even human.
Pudge. B. After batting .500 last June, I had high hopes for Pudge this year as I expected him to carry that average through a whole season, but alas. He has been tremendous behind the plate cutting down runners better than ever. However Pudge is scary looking because he always seems so intense. Like he would stab the shit out of you if you crossed him. Had he come to prominence in the 80's I think he would have thrived in Miami as a cocaine dealer, wearing the pastels and cutting and shooting people for fun.
Vance Wilson. Grade D: He is putting up Craig Paquette numbers, which is never good. I may have posted this before but I am still convinced that Wilson is just Matt Walbeck in disguise.
Carlos Guillen. Grade B+. Hopefully hes finally healthy and I like the way he reacted after he got beaned sparking the brawl. Hes been solid but it would be nice to see him drive in some more runs.
Ill finish this tomorrow...........
Kyle Farnsworth: Grade: A. I was going to give Farnsworth an A- even though his performance on the field this year has been amazing. Hes gone something like 25 innings and only allowed a single run. However I was going to give him a minus because I had been disappointed with him in the fact that he hadnt lived up to his psycho billing, and then stated that he was more mature this year and ready to take on responsibilities. Boring. Responsibilities? What! wheres the guy throwing lawn chairs on the field, kicking air conditioners, being to hung over to pitch in day games, what happened? Well the Farnsworth I had hoped to know and love but was giving up on came through against the Royals on Sunday. When he circled the scrum and tackled Jeremy Affeldt to the ground, which was reminiscent of his Paul Wilson beatdown he delivered a few years ago. Not only that but he took down the Affeldt who was fantasy baseball poison for me last season, and yes I hold lifelong grudges against 20th round fantasy picks who fail to perform How can you not love a pitcher who has a signature bench clearing brawl move. They need to sign this guy to an extension, make him the closer give him big money. Please Mr. Illitch, Mr. Dombrowski, anybody............... please.
Doug Creek. Grade: I. Doug Creek plays for the Tigers? Who is this guy, did Matt Ginter change his name. Where is Matt Ginter, are him and his banjo back in Triple A. Did he even exist? How can a guy like Creek with a career ERA over 5 play 10 big league seasons? Oh hes left handed thats right. When I have a kid Im going to tie his right arm behind his back and make sure hes lefthanded just so he can enjoy a long big league career no matter how ineffective he is. Go ahead call Child Services. Im going to make Marv Marinovich and Bing Crosby look like Fathers of the Year.
Craig Dingman. Grade: I. Craig Dingman is back with the Tigers? How? Hes not even left handed.
Sean Douglass: Grade: A. So far hes pitched well, I remember he used to be an Orioles prospect or something, but was a total spazz (or is it one z) and never stuck with a team that long, But as long as he keeps pitching as good as he has this season hes alright.
Franklyn German: Grade: B+. He hasnt really pitched well in his appearances since the break, but so far this season hes been a effective reliever.........errr I wish I could add something about him, but I cant think of anything noteworthy that hes done, which is good if your a reliever.
Jason Johnson: Grade B. I dont think Ill ever really warm to this guy because he seems like he would be a total prick for some reason, and not the good kind like Reggie Jackson, or Terrell Owens, guys who are so brash and arrogant that you cant take them to serious. Johsnon seems like a whiny brooding jerk. That and he had a bitch session after being pulled out of a game after the seventh that the Tigers ended up losing. Hes been good though and deserves more than the 6 wins hes gotten this year.
Mike Maroth: Grade C+. Maybe Im being to hard on Mike, but he seems so hittable, I think I could get a hit off of Maroth. Hes so effortless and slow that it looks like hes throwing batting practice. He has been pitching better of late though, and hes seems like the one Tiger I identify with the last five years or so of bad teams because hes always been there, and Id hate to see him gone.
Nate Robertson: D-..........no B. I hate Robertson because he pitches EVERY GAME I GO TO. I dont think hes pitched since the last time I was there either, and I plan on going again this weekend and if hes pitching Ill refuse to watch, no offense to him, but I need variety, I need excitement, I feel like Ive been in a long relationship with a girlfriend and need some time to myself for a week or two. Or at least thats what my friends in relationships tells me it feels like.
Fernando Rodney. Grade A-. If Farnsworth leaves Rodney has got to be the closer next year. This guy throws changeups ranging from nasty to unhittable. The 7 K's the other night against the Royals over three innings was incredible. The ball was disappearing, and the Gotay's and Teahans of the world have no chance. Speaking of which, I wrote earlier this year that the Devil Rays were the saddest, most irrelevant team, but after watching the Royals series Im having second thoughts, but Im not going to elaborate here. Anyways a nasty changeup is my favorite pitch to watch, and Rodneys is awesome, not Santana awesome, as the immortal Rod Allen was comparing it with but nasty in its own right.
Chris Spurling. F. This is a "what have you done for me lately" grade and the last thing I remember Spurling doing was giving up three bombs including one to Juan Uribe that was so huge had it been on RBI it would have made such a high pitch whistle as it was leaving the park that it would have made your ears bleed. Also Spurling has a horrible tattoo on his right elbow, and wears that ridiculous medallion with his number on it. This guy seems to take himself way to serious, especially for a middling relief pitcher whose only been in the big leagues for two years. I wish we would have kept Matt Roney and his size 11 3/8 head instead of Spurling. Yuck.
Jamie Walker: Grade A-. Walker has been good at what he does...............whatever that is.
Jeremy Bonderman. Grade A. Bonderman is great, Ive wrote at length about him a couple of times and really have nothing new to add at the moment. To bad he couldnt have gone to the All-Star game instead of Kenny Rogers, although Im glad Detroit fans booed Rogers both before and during the game, not so much for what he did to the cameraman but for taking Bondermans spot. Because who cares about cameramen, their not even human.
Pudge. B. After batting .500 last June, I had high hopes for Pudge this year as I expected him to carry that average through a whole season, but alas. He has been tremendous behind the plate cutting down runners better than ever. However Pudge is scary looking because he always seems so intense. Like he would stab the shit out of you if you crossed him. Had he come to prominence in the 80's I think he would have thrived in Miami as a cocaine dealer, wearing the pastels and cutting and shooting people for fun.
Vance Wilson. Grade D: He is putting up Craig Paquette numbers, which is never good. I may have posted this before but I am still convinced that Wilson is just Matt Walbeck in disguise.
Carlos Guillen. Grade B+. Hopefully hes finally healthy and I like the way he reacted after he got beaned sparking the brawl. Hes been solid but it would be nice to see him drive in some more runs.
Ill finish this tomorrow...........
Monday, July 04, 2005
California Angels
I am continuing my RBI baseball posts after a little bit of a break. That last post was so large in scope that I had to take a whole week off to recover. However before I delve into the Angels RBI prowress, I would like to talk a little bit about the Tigers game I went to today against the Yankees. Ive been to three Tigers games so far this year and they have all been horrible. Firstly I have seen Nate Robertson pitch in all three games that I have attended, a feat that even Steve Sparks didnt achieve, when their was a run in which it seemed like every game I went to for three years Steve Sparks pitched.. Now I have nothing against Robertson or his goggles but it would be nice to have a little variety when I go to the games. Secondly the Tigers have lost all three games Ive been too, which makes me feel personally responsible for their current position of being three games under .500. And lastly not only have they lost the games but theyve lost quickly, with none of the three games lasting over 2 and a half hours. However tomorrow should be an exciting day with the MLB debut of Justin Verlander. Now on to the Angels, and Ill try to keep this one shorter than the last post.
Lineup:
1. Gary Pettis. I love Gary Pettis because he was such a thin guy and as I mentioned in an earlier post us tall skinny guys have to support one another, and Gary Pettis checked in at 6'1 and 165 which is about an inch shorter and twenty pounds heavier than me, so he qualifys. He also had the appearance of a skinny crackhead who looked like he had straggled in off the streets outside old Tiger, a look that someone like Tim Raines always hoped for but could only dream about. Pettis is also the most exciting defensive outfielder that I can barely remember for the Tigers and won a couple of gold gloves with them. The Tigers were also able to steal him from the Angels, as they traded Dan Petry who gave them to horrendous seasons before re-signing with the Tigers and later becoming a serviceable color man for the always wildly entertaining and sorely missed UPN 50 Tigers broadcasts. Hes good for his speed on RBI especially if you hit grounders to the left side of the infield he can usually beat them out and remain disruptive on the basepaths.
ER: 6.5/10
2. Doug DeCinces. I dont know much about DeCinces in real life other than the fact he was overwhelmed with the task of taking Brooks Robinson's third baseman job for the Orioles in the mid 70's. This game came out towards the end of his playing career, but he is still a dangerous power hitter and servicable although he is a little out of place batting second it seems.
ER: 7/10
3. Wally Joyner: Joyner is a great lefthanded power bat on the game and owner of a career I never quite understood, because his best seasons were his first two and he never really reached the power numbers he enjoyed during those first two years for the remainder of his career. For someone who played there whole career outside of Detroit I have quite a few favorite Wally World Memories. 1) He broke up Walt Terrell's no hitter with two outs in the bottom of the ninth or so my dads told me. 2) He had a buck knife thrown at him at Yankee Stadium which hit him handle end first and landed sticking straight into the ground. 3) He was a free agent disaster for the Royals for about 3 years when making 4 million dollars was still a big deal. and 4) on the night of my prom which me and my friends skipped to go to a Tigers Angels game we heckled Wally mercilessly for all 12 innings of the game, like a day or two before he quit. So much for a victory lap type season, I like to think I played a direct role in his demise.
ER 8.5/10
4. Reggie Jackson. I think Reggie is the most powerful hitter in the game and a constant home run, extra base hit threat. However his career pales in comparison to hall of famer who doubled Jacksons numbers, Steve Chilcott who was wisely selected No.1 over all by the Mets ahead of Reggie in the 1967 draft. Wait Im mistaken Chilcott never made it to the majors and flamed out after six minor league seasons. Sorry Mets fans. I think I would have liked Reggie in his hayday because he seemed like a total prick, and for some reason I like athletes who are pricks, probably for the same reasons that all girls do, which explains all my friday/saturday night posts. but enough of that.
ER 9/10
5. Brian Downing. This guy is OK, hes got decent power but hes slow as hell. He played for the Angels forever but always had a tough postseason as he would change his stance so that he batted with both hands around his neck, which proved ineffective.
ER 5/10
6. Bobby Grich. I remember nothing of this guy as he had played his full carrer and retired by the time I was 3. I never play with him in RBI either because of Anaheims deep bench. I know his name gets tossed around as one of the games most underatted players and had a monster season as a second baseman for the Angels in 1979, as well as being an excellent fielder. Apparently was also a hero of Clint Barmes, when Grich wrenched his back carrying an air conditioner up a flight of stairs.
ER N/A
7. Dick Schoefield. Schofield had a long and unremarkable career, and never plays in RBI because of the bench depth. Schofield was the third overall pick in the 1981 draft and was a disaster of Cade Gaspar proportions.
ER N/A
8. Bob Boone. He also gets taken out. I detest the Boones for some reason. I never liked Brett or Aaron and therefor dont like the man who spawned them. So hes out. It also seems like I read somewhere that Bob Boone was a prick, and he was a crappy manager. Also he was almost traded to the Tigers in the mid 70's after a drunken agreement between the Tiger's and Phillies GM's, which is how most trades were handled in the Randy Smitth era 20 years later.
ER N/A
Bench.
Rick Burleson: Another Angel who was before my time I usually sub him for Boone. Hes a consistent hitter with decent speed, second fastest next to Pettis. In real life had a series of rotator cuff injuries which affected his career.
ER 6/10
George Hendrick: Solid power of the bench, whom I usually sub in for Schofield. Hendrick was involved in a trade that sent the incomporable John Tudor to the Cardinals from the Pirates and allowed him to be on RBI. He was another Angel whose career was essentially finished before I can remember.
ER 6.5/10
Rob Wilfong: His career was essentially over too by 1988 and I dont remember him. Never really used in RBI either.
ER N/A
Ruppert Jones: A member of the 84 Tigers. Also the first person selected by the Mariners in the expansion draft a title he would later share with the distinguishable Nigel Wilson and Dave Nied. I usually sub him in for Grich and hes pretty good. Hits for decent power and average on the game.
ER 7/10
Pitching: Mike Witt: Witts ok on this game. He doesnt throw all that fast and he doesnt have a lot of movement but hes good for four innings or so to start the game. He pitched a perfect game in reality, and was a bust for the Yankees who traded Dave Winfield to get him. He was also over 10 feet tall and weighed 126 punds.
ER 6/10
Don Sutton: No matter what anyone says this guy is the worst hall of famer ever. Based strictly on the 1989 Upper Deck cards where he was still rocking the ghastly late 80's perm. Jesus Christ who honestly thinks perms are good looking on guys, or on anyone. Also I hate him on the Braves telecasts. Hes good on the game though as hes got some pretty wicked movement, and decent speed, it also seems like I can get a good 5 to six innings out of him on a regular basis.
ER. 7.5/10
Doug Corbett. This guy sucks, no speed, no movement avoid at all costs.
ER. 1/10
Donnie Moore. I dont like to get sentimental but this guy was a sad case. It feels creepy bringing him into a game, it would be equivalent to playing Tecmo Bowl with Ray Finkle on the team, I mean if Finkle ever really existed. Im sure many of you know the story, well not many because not many people read this blog. But he gave up the game ALCS home run to Dave Henderson which lost the series. Felt personally responsible sending his career into a tail spin. Was out of baseball in a couple of years feared being rememberd only for surrendering Hendus homer so he became remembered for something even worse. Battled depression and then killed himself and his wife in front of their three children. I blame Red Sox fans for his death, because they suck and its another reason to hate them, no matter how absurd.
ER 7/10
Lineup:
1. Gary Pettis. I love Gary Pettis because he was such a thin guy and as I mentioned in an earlier post us tall skinny guys have to support one another, and Gary Pettis checked in at 6'1 and 165 which is about an inch shorter and twenty pounds heavier than me, so he qualifys. He also had the appearance of a skinny crackhead who looked like he had straggled in off the streets outside old Tiger, a look that someone like Tim Raines always hoped for but could only dream about. Pettis is also the most exciting defensive outfielder that I can barely remember for the Tigers and won a couple of gold gloves with them. The Tigers were also able to steal him from the Angels, as they traded Dan Petry who gave them to horrendous seasons before re-signing with the Tigers and later becoming a serviceable color man for the always wildly entertaining and sorely missed UPN 50 Tigers broadcasts. Hes good for his speed on RBI especially if you hit grounders to the left side of the infield he can usually beat them out and remain disruptive on the basepaths.
ER: 6.5/10
2. Doug DeCinces. I dont know much about DeCinces in real life other than the fact he was overwhelmed with the task of taking Brooks Robinson's third baseman job for the Orioles in the mid 70's. This game came out towards the end of his playing career, but he is still a dangerous power hitter and servicable although he is a little out of place batting second it seems.
ER: 7/10
3. Wally Joyner: Joyner is a great lefthanded power bat on the game and owner of a career I never quite understood, because his best seasons were his first two and he never really reached the power numbers he enjoyed during those first two years for the remainder of his career. For someone who played there whole career outside of Detroit I have quite a few favorite Wally World Memories. 1) He broke up Walt Terrell's no hitter with two outs in the bottom of the ninth or so my dads told me. 2) He had a buck knife thrown at him at Yankee Stadium which hit him handle end first and landed sticking straight into the ground. 3) He was a free agent disaster for the Royals for about 3 years when making 4 million dollars was still a big deal. and 4) on the night of my prom which me and my friends skipped to go to a Tigers Angels game we heckled Wally mercilessly for all 12 innings of the game, like a day or two before he quit. So much for a victory lap type season, I like to think I played a direct role in his demise.
ER 8.5/10
4. Reggie Jackson. I think Reggie is the most powerful hitter in the game and a constant home run, extra base hit threat. However his career pales in comparison to hall of famer who doubled Jacksons numbers, Steve Chilcott who was wisely selected No.1 over all by the Mets ahead of Reggie in the 1967 draft. Wait Im mistaken Chilcott never made it to the majors and flamed out after six minor league seasons. Sorry Mets fans. I think I would have liked Reggie in his hayday because he seemed like a total prick, and for some reason I like athletes who are pricks, probably for the same reasons that all girls do, which explains all my friday/saturday night posts. but enough of that.
ER 9/10
5. Brian Downing. This guy is OK, hes got decent power but hes slow as hell. He played for the Angels forever but always had a tough postseason as he would change his stance so that he batted with both hands around his neck, which proved ineffective.
ER 5/10
6. Bobby Grich. I remember nothing of this guy as he had played his full carrer and retired by the time I was 3. I never play with him in RBI either because of Anaheims deep bench. I know his name gets tossed around as one of the games most underatted players and had a monster season as a second baseman for the Angels in 1979, as well as being an excellent fielder. Apparently was also a hero of Clint Barmes, when Grich wrenched his back carrying an air conditioner up a flight of stairs.
ER N/A
7. Dick Schoefield. Schofield had a long and unremarkable career, and never plays in RBI because of the bench depth. Schofield was the third overall pick in the 1981 draft and was a disaster of Cade Gaspar proportions.
ER N/A
8. Bob Boone. He also gets taken out. I detest the Boones for some reason. I never liked Brett or Aaron and therefor dont like the man who spawned them. So hes out. It also seems like I read somewhere that Bob Boone was a prick, and he was a crappy manager. Also he was almost traded to the Tigers in the mid 70's after a drunken agreement between the Tiger's and Phillies GM's, which is how most trades were handled in the Randy Smitth era 20 years later.
ER N/A
Bench.
Rick Burleson: Another Angel who was before my time I usually sub him for Boone. Hes a consistent hitter with decent speed, second fastest next to Pettis. In real life had a series of rotator cuff injuries which affected his career.
ER 6/10
George Hendrick: Solid power of the bench, whom I usually sub in for Schofield. Hendrick was involved in a trade that sent the incomporable John Tudor to the Cardinals from the Pirates and allowed him to be on RBI. He was another Angel whose career was essentially finished before I can remember.
ER 6.5/10
Rob Wilfong: His career was essentially over too by 1988 and I dont remember him. Never really used in RBI either.
ER N/A
Ruppert Jones: A member of the 84 Tigers. Also the first person selected by the Mariners in the expansion draft a title he would later share with the distinguishable Nigel Wilson and Dave Nied. I usually sub him in for Grich and hes pretty good. Hits for decent power and average on the game.
ER 7/10
Pitching: Mike Witt: Witts ok on this game. He doesnt throw all that fast and he doesnt have a lot of movement but hes good for four innings or so to start the game. He pitched a perfect game in reality, and was a bust for the Yankees who traded Dave Winfield to get him. He was also over 10 feet tall and weighed 126 punds.
ER 6/10
Don Sutton: No matter what anyone says this guy is the worst hall of famer ever. Based strictly on the 1989 Upper Deck cards where he was still rocking the ghastly late 80's perm. Jesus Christ who honestly thinks perms are good looking on guys, or on anyone. Also I hate him on the Braves telecasts. Hes good on the game though as hes got some pretty wicked movement, and decent speed, it also seems like I can get a good 5 to six innings out of him on a regular basis.
ER. 7.5/10
Doug Corbett. This guy sucks, no speed, no movement avoid at all costs.
ER. 1/10
Donnie Moore. I dont like to get sentimental but this guy was a sad case. It feels creepy bringing him into a game, it would be equivalent to playing Tecmo Bowl with Ray Finkle on the team, I mean if Finkle ever really existed. Im sure many of you know the story, well not many because not many people read this blog. But he gave up the game ALCS home run to Dave Henderson which lost the series. Felt personally responsible sending his career into a tail spin. Was out of baseball in a couple of years feared being rememberd only for surrendering Hendus homer so he became remembered for something even worse. Battled depression and then killed himself and his wife in front of their three children. I blame Red Sox fans for his death, because they suck and its another reason to hate them, no matter how absurd.
ER 7/10
Sunday, June 26, 2005
R.B.I. Baseball
I originally hail from a small town in Mid-Michigan named Clio. On my profile I have my town listed as Detroit but thats a little premature. I will be living in Detroit in about six weeks as I get ready to attend law school at Wayne State, but presently Im stuck in my hometown...........and I hate it. There is nothing to do here, and ninety eight percent of the population are hicks, I cant wait to move from here, hopefully for good. The only thing in Clio that keeps me entertained is force feeding my dog the crust of my chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts. Anyways when I move away I hope Detroit will offer me the chance to live a more interesting life, even if my social life doesnt pick up I can at least look forward to getting my car broken into/stolen or see bums fight over the privledge to sleep on a soiled mattress. Oh well, enough complaining about that.
I am going to break down one of the top five greatest games in the history of NES tonight, and probably over the course of the next couple of posts. The game of course is R.B.I. baseball. I was always a big fan of RBI 3 for NES and my friend Kevin and I would play this game for hours a day every day, especially during the summer, until we graduated from high school. Then one day he ruined everything by getting a job and a girlfriend and having "responsibilities." What a loser. Well this put me in a predicament because none of my friends necessarily cared for RBI 3, and I was so far advanced in the game, having played thousands of them, that I had a decided advantage over anyone who tried to challenge me, also playing the computer was out of the question because playing them, even on difficult, is the equivalent of playing a dog, or a retarded person. For anybody offended by the last remark, where I compared a dog to a retarded person, Im sorry, and you probably dont want to get me started on my feelings regarding wheelchair "basketball", and yes the quotes are there for a reason. My friends Josh and Bill simultaneously clued me in on the magnificence of the original RBI, a game I had owned for quite some time but had never really played because I hated the fat players, I mean couldnt they show some self control and not eat so much, and the fact that you couldnt dive for ground balls, an important feature in RBI 3 because it allowed you to rub every ground ball out into your opponents face by making unnecessary dives, resulting in an automatic instant replay. However after a few games of the original RBI I was hooked, and now me and Josh play regularly as Kevin is stuck in his own private hell known as a Relationship. Anyways even though I am a relative newcomer to the original, I believe I have played enough to have the authority to write a comprehensive guide breaking down the important parts of the game. First off let it be known that Josh Bill and I play by the normal rules of baseball, not the common feed everything straight down the middle and mash rule, therefore pitchers and light hitters with wheels are valued as much as Tony Armas.
Boston: RBI came out in 1987 for NES and contained the 1986 rosters and stats for each team on the game, including the ill-fated 86 Red Sox team, which Im sure made the game extraordinarily popular in the New England area as Boston fans got to rejoice over the fact that they could play with this team and enjoy there self loathing in perpetuem thanks to this game. One day I will write about how insufferable Red Sox fans were during the past eighty plus years, while their equally suffering Chicago brethren have taken losing so admirably and in stride.
Lineup
1. Marty Barrett. I have no idea how good Marty Barrett is on RBI because no one ever plays with him. Even though he was a solid player in real life Bostons bench on RBI is so incredible that he is immediately removed from the lineup to make room for Ellis Burks or Dave Henderson. In real life 1986 was Barrett salad days, especially the post season, where he won the ALCS and was equally hot in the World Series, where he probably would have won MVP had the Sox won. The only thing I can consciously remember about Marty Barrett was being about five or six and watching baseball highlights on ESPN the day his knee exploded running to first base. Apparently it was pretty serious because when he came back the next year Jody Reed took his spot, a man who sucked for the 1997 Tigers along with the rest of the team.
Effectiveness rating (ER): unknown, never plays.
2. Bill Buckner I like Buckner on RBI, because I prefer hitting with lefties, but my friend Josh cant stand him and he usually pulls him out of the lineup for either Burks or Hendu. Buckner is slow as hell as is the rest of the Red Sox team. Rumored to have played a small part in Bostons World Series collapse in 86.
ER: 4/10
3. Wade Boggs Wade Boggs is one of my favorite players ever. He did everything,hit for average, played good D at third, got on base a ton, had an affair, admitted to being a sex addict to Barbara Walters, (but really who isnt I want to know what constitutes being a sex addict), was run over by his wife in a car, twisted his back putting on cowboy boots after being caught having an affair, rumored to have drank over 60 beers on a cross country flight, and then threatened to fight the flight attendant after she refused to serve him more, it seems like she would have cut him off oh i dont know maybe 60 BEERS before hand. And to top it off he won a World Series with the Yankees after leaving Boston. How cool was this guy. Also threw a knuckleball. In RBI hes good for doubles and the occasional homerun even though he doesnt have great power numbers. However he will occasionally go into prolonged slumps, often inciting "stinkbag" comments from Josh.
ER 8/10
4. Jim Rice Rice is another decent player, actually the whole Red Sox lineup is decent and capable of hitting one out of the park and Rice is no exception. He is however remarkably slow even for the Red Sox. Josh tends to enjoy relatively good success with Rice. Of course all Red Sox fans will insanely argue that this man deserves to go to the Hall of Fame. He might but I hope he never does in spite of Red Sox fans. Also I believe I read somewhere that this guy was a complete asshole.
ER 7/10
5. Don Baylor Baylor is also effective and is inexplicably the fastest Red Sox even though in the real world he hadnt been a legitimate base stealing threat in nearly a decade. This however will not be the only occurrence of the real world and RBI world not being alike. The real Don Baylor was good at getting hit by pitches and was completely overmatched as a manager, especially with the Cubs. RBI Don Baylor can mash especially if you try busting him inside or accidentally swinging a pitch across the plate to soon.
ER 7/10
6. Dwight Evans For some reason neither me nor Josh can ever play good with this guy. He was a good player in real life but that does not translate to NES life, only reason he stays in the lineup is that theres no one better on the bench after all of the necessary substitutions. I also own about 5,000 Dwight Evans 1991 Upper Deck cards with him in his Baltimore Orioles jersey, priceless, I wonder how many people foolishly bought one of those, and if you know anyone tell me because I would like to purchase it.
ER 4/10
7. Rich Gedman This guy sucks too, always a threat to get pulled, instead of Buckner, when Josh plays, he is unbelievably slow and has an incredibly weak arm so if youve got St. Louis you can run all day. I dont know much about him in real life because by the time I started following baseball closely he was bouncing around the league. He will hit the occasional homerun, maybe once or twice in a lifetime. Worthless.
ER 3/10
8. Spike Owen Poor Spike never gets any love in any RBI game Ive played. Hes always taken out so I have no idea what he can do. In RBI 2 and 3 he is taken out before the games even begin, but in the original he at least gets to play a couple of innings in the field before his turn in the order. If its any consolation I always liked his name, especially the fact that his given name is Spike.
ER N/A
Bench:
Ellis Burks Ellis is really good, and arguably the best player on the Red Sox as it seems to me he has the most speed and can hit for power. Josh usually bats him leadoff where he is pretty effective. I always thought Ellis would be the last active player from RBI, but I was wrong as his career ended last season with the Sox. I always like Ellis in real life, for no real reason, and always considered him to be somewhat underrated.
ER 8/10
Dave Henderson Dave as he is known to me and my friends, so he would not be confused with Ricky on the RBI 3 A's team, is usually subbed in for Buckner or Gedman by Josh. He is a pretty dangerous hitter, especially inside fastballs. However whatever ability he has on this game is absent in the RBI 3 version as he is easily one of the most disappointing and frustrating players on that A's team.
ER 6/10
Tony Armas. In real life this guy could crush the ball, and that was about it as his average and OBP would even make Rob Deer and Steve Balboni blush. On RBI however he sucks despite his 43 homeruns. If you pitch him outside its a guaranteed ground ball to third base. Hes so lowly regarded that Josh bats him 8th in the order in place of Spike.
ER 2/10 so low because his stats make you think he might actually be good.
Marc Sullivan In real life this guy was atrocious, and statistically the worst player in the game. He was however the grandson of the guy who owned the team so that may have had something to do with him playing five years with the Sox despite his career .186 average. In RBI he is not to be taken lightly. I used to throw him down the middle as I would a pitcher but he made me pay by depositing a couple over the other side of the fence. He is the total opposite of Armas in the fact that he performs surprisingly well despite his numbers.
ER 5/10
Pitching: Roger Clemens. Roger is, of course one of the final four remaining active players from the RBI game and my new odds on favorite to be the last player from the game to retire. Clemens is one of the top 3 pitchers on the game and has a devastating fastball. In real life though Clemens is one of my least favorite players ever. Although he did have one of my favorite moments in baseball history with his meltdown in the ALCS against Oakland, where he came out with the war paint on his face and the brightly colored shoelaces before getting ejected early in the game for arguing balls and strikes. Also I like the fact that his son Koby Clemens has Pete Rose Jr. potential, in the fact that in twenty years when you go to type in Clemens on baseball-reference.com youll see these career numbers for Koby. BA .170 HR. 1 RBI 6 over about 45 games in parts of three seasons with the Astros.
ER 9/10
Bruce Hurst: Surprisingly effective second starter. In games between me and Josh since we pitch all over the place we usually burn through the whole staff during the course of a game and Hurst can be counted on for three solid innings and is a good change of pace from Clemens because hes left handed and throws curve balls well. However he is sucepitble to giving up the occasional huge 4 or 5 run inning, which effectively puts the game out of reach.
ER: 6.5/10
Calvin Schiraldi: Schiraldi is to be avoided at all costs. Even though he had a 1.41 ERA in 1986 he blew two games in the World Series and is equally unreliable in RBI. Do not use him for more than a batter or two and never when hlding on to a one run laed.
ER: 3/10
Bob Stanley: Stanley is a good reliever and has a pretty wicked wiggler pitch with tons of movement. He is a pretty good closer but should only be used for an inning. I have nothing else to add about Stanley, because I hardly remember him as a real player. In the game he has been known to give up the occasional long ball but is pretty steady.
E/R 6/10
I am going to break down one of the top five greatest games in the history of NES tonight, and probably over the course of the next couple of posts. The game of course is R.B.I. baseball. I was always a big fan of RBI 3 for NES and my friend Kevin and I would play this game for hours a day every day, especially during the summer, until we graduated from high school. Then one day he ruined everything by getting a job and a girlfriend and having "responsibilities." What a loser. Well this put me in a predicament because none of my friends necessarily cared for RBI 3, and I was so far advanced in the game, having played thousands of them, that I had a decided advantage over anyone who tried to challenge me, also playing the computer was out of the question because playing them, even on difficult, is the equivalent of playing a dog, or a retarded person. For anybody offended by the last remark, where I compared a dog to a retarded person, Im sorry, and you probably dont want to get me started on my feelings regarding wheelchair "basketball", and yes the quotes are there for a reason. My friends Josh and Bill simultaneously clued me in on the magnificence of the original RBI, a game I had owned for quite some time but had never really played because I hated the fat players, I mean couldnt they show some self control and not eat so much, and the fact that you couldnt dive for ground balls, an important feature in RBI 3 because it allowed you to rub every ground ball out into your opponents face by making unnecessary dives, resulting in an automatic instant replay. However after a few games of the original RBI I was hooked, and now me and Josh play regularly as Kevin is stuck in his own private hell known as a Relationship. Anyways even though I am a relative newcomer to the original, I believe I have played enough to have the authority to write a comprehensive guide breaking down the important parts of the game. First off let it be known that Josh Bill and I play by the normal rules of baseball, not the common feed everything straight down the middle and mash rule, therefore pitchers and light hitters with wheels are valued as much as Tony Armas.
Boston: RBI came out in 1987 for NES and contained the 1986 rosters and stats for each team on the game, including the ill-fated 86 Red Sox team, which Im sure made the game extraordinarily popular in the New England area as Boston fans got to rejoice over the fact that they could play with this team and enjoy there self loathing in perpetuem thanks to this game. One day I will write about how insufferable Red Sox fans were during the past eighty plus years, while their equally suffering Chicago brethren have taken losing so admirably and in stride.
Lineup
1. Marty Barrett. I have no idea how good Marty Barrett is on RBI because no one ever plays with him. Even though he was a solid player in real life Bostons bench on RBI is so incredible that he is immediately removed from the lineup to make room for Ellis Burks or Dave Henderson. In real life 1986 was Barrett salad days, especially the post season, where he won the ALCS and was equally hot in the World Series, where he probably would have won MVP had the Sox won. The only thing I can consciously remember about Marty Barrett was being about five or six and watching baseball highlights on ESPN the day his knee exploded running to first base. Apparently it was pretty serious because when he came back the next year Jody Reed took his spot, a man who sucked for the 1997 Tigers along with the rest of the team.
Effectiveness rating (ER): unknown, never plays.
2. Bill Buckner I like Buckner on RBI, because I prefer hitting with lefties, but my friend Josh cant stand him and he usually pulls him out of the lineup for either Burks or Hendu. Buckner is slow as hell as is the rest of the Red Sox team. Rumored to have played a small part in Bostons World Series collapse in 86.
ER: 4/10
3. Wade Boggs Wade Boggs is one of my favorite players ever. He did everything,hit for average, played good D at third, got on base a ton, had an affair, admitted to being a sex addict to Barbara Walters, (but really who isnt I want to know what constitutes being a sex addict), was run over by his wife in a car, twisted his back putting on cowboy boots after being caught having an affair, rumored to have drank over 60 beers on a cross country flight, and then threatened to fight the flight attendant after she refused to serve him more, it seems like she would have cut him off oh i dont know maybe 60 BEERS before hand. And to top it off he won a World Series with the Yankees after leaving Boston. How cool was this guy. Also threw a knuckleball. In RBI hes good for doubles and the occasional homerun even though he doesnt have great power numbers. However he will occasionally go into prolonged slumps, often inciting "stinkbag" comments from Josh.
ER 8/10
4. Jim Rice Rice is another decent player, actually the whole Red Sox lineup is decent and capable of hitting one out of the park and Rice is no exception. He is however remarkably slow even for the Red Sox. Josh tends to enjoy relatively good success with Rice. Of course all Red Sox fans will insanely argue that this man deserves to go to the Hall of Fame. He might but I hope he never does in spite of Red Sox fans. Also I believe I read somewhere that this guy was a complete asshole.
ER 7/10
5. Don Baylor Baylor is also effective and is inexplicably the fastest Red Sox even though in the real world he hadnt been a legitimate base stealing threat in nearly a decade. This however will not be the only occurrence of the real world and RBI world not being alike. The real Don Baylor was good at getting hit by pitches and was completely overmatched as a manager, especially with the Cubs. RBI Don Baylor can mash especially if you try busting him inside or accidentally swinging a pitch across the plate to soon.
ER 7/10
6. Dwight Evans For some reason neither me nor Josh can ever play good with this guy. He was a good player in real life but that does not translate to NES life, only reason he stays in the lineup is that theres no one better on the bench after all of the necessary substitutions. I also own about 5,000 Dwight Evans 1991 Upper Deck cards with him in his Baltimore Orioles jersey, priceless, I wonder how many people foolishly bought one of those, and if you know anyone tell me because I would like to purchase it.
ER 4/10
7. Rich Gedman This guy sucks too, always a threat to get pulled, instead of Buckner, when Josh plays, he is unbelievably slow and has an incredibly weak arm so if youve got St. Louis you can run all day. I dont know much about him in real life because by the time I started following baseball closely he was bouncing around the league. He will hit the occasional homerun, maybe once or twice in a lifetime. Worthless.
ER 3/10
8. Spike Owen Poor Spike never gets any love in any RBI game Ive played. Hes always taken out so I have no idea what he can do. In RBI 2 and 3 he is taken out before the games even begin, but in the original he at least gets to play a couple of innings in the field before his turn in the order. If its any consolation I always liked his name, especially the fact that his given name is Spike.
ER N/A
Bench:
Ellis Burks Ellis is really good, and arguably the best player on the Red Sox as it seems to me he has the most speed and can hit for power. Josh usually bats him leadoff where he is pretty effective. I always thought Ellis would be the last active player from RBI, but I was wrong as his career ended last season with the Sox. I always like Ellis in real life, for no real reason, and always considered him to be somewhat underrated.
ER 8/10
Dave Henderson Dave as he is known to me and my friends, so he would not be confused with Ricky on the RBI 3 A's team, is usually subbed in for Buckner or Gedman by Josh. He is a pretty dangerous hitter, especially inside fastballs. However whatever ability he has on this game is absent in the RBI 3 version as he is easily one of the most disappointing and frustrating players on that A's team.
ER 6/10
Tony Armas. In real life this guy could crush the ball, and that was about it as his average and OBP would even make Rob Deer and Steve Balboni blush. On RBI however he sucks despite his 43 homeruns. If you pitch him outside its a guaranteed ground ball to third base. Hes so lowly regarded that Josh bats him 8th in the order in place of Spike.
ER 2/10 so low because his stats make you think he might actually be good.
Marc Sullivan In real life this guy was atrocious, and statistically the worst player in the game. He was however the grandson of the guy who owned the team so that may have had something to do with him playing five years with the Sox despite his career .186 average. In RBI he is not to be taken lightly. I used to throw him down the middle as I would a pitcher but he made me pay by depositing a couple over the other side of the fence. He is the total opposite of Armas in the fact that he performs surprisingly well despite his numbers.
ER 5/10
Pitching: Roger Clemens. Roger is, of course one of the final four remaining active players from the RBI game and my new odds on favorite to be the last player from the game to retire. Clemens is one of the top 3 pitchers on the game and has a devastating fastball. In real life though Clemens is one of my least favorite players ever. Although he did have one of my favorite moments in baseball history with his meltdown in the ALCS against Oakland, where he came out with the war paint on his face and the brightly colored shoelaces before getting ejected early in the game for arguing balls and strikes. Also I like the fact that his son Koby Clemens has Pete Rose Jr. potential, in the fact that in twenty years when you go to type in Clemens on baseball-reference.com youll see these career numbers for Koby. BA .170 HR. 1 RBI 6 over about 45 games in parts of three seasons with the Astros.
ER 9/10
Bruce Hurst: Surprisingly effective second starter. In games between me and Josh since we pitch all over the place we usually burn through the whole staff during the course of a game and Hurst can be counted on for three solid innings and is a good change of pace from Clemens because hes left handed and throws curve balls well. However he is sucepitble to giving up the occasional huge 4 or 5 run inning, which effectively puts the game out of reach.
ER: 6.5/10
Calvin Schiraldi: Schiraldi is to be avoided at all costs. Even though he had a 1.41 ERA in 1986 he blew two games in the World Series and is equally unreliable in RBI. Do not use him for more than a batter or two and never when hlding on to a one run laed.
ER: 3/10
Bob Stanley: Stanley is a good reliever and has a pretty wicked wiggler pitch with tons of movement. He is a pretty good closer but should only be used for an inning. I have nothing else to add about Stanley, because I hardly remember him as a real player. In the game he has been known to give up the occasional long ball but is pretty steady.
E/R 6/10
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
AHHHHHHH!!!!!
Big day today for Detroit area sports, the Pistons won to force a game seven, and the Tigers beat the Twins at the Metrodome to go over .500. I always loved how it is such a big deal for Tigers fans for the Tigers to be one game over .500 this late in the season, yet in places like New York, Boston or St. Louis, if the team were playing this bad Joe Torre would be getting fired, Terry Franconas head would be on a stick, and Tony La Russas body would be floating down the Mississippi. Irregardless, Im still excited about this Tigers team. Bonderman pitched great again tonight, which means hes getting closer and closer to the twenty wins my friend predicted and which the rest of us, as in the ones not heavily involved in drugs dismissed. Of course with each win that Bonderman gets, my friend who predicted the twenty wins becomes increasingly insufferable with the amount of gloating he does.
Before I continue I would like to correct, or update, some of the things I have previously wrote.
First off I once mentioned I have a friend with the mentality of a twelve year old. The more I think about that the more I realize Im selling him short. Sure he likes the same things as twelve year old boys would, cartoons, Gameboy, marijuana, etc..... but hes actually quite remarkable in the fact that he can multitask like no one Ive ever seen before. My friend, well hes Tizzy the one from the Macker tournament, can play Xbox, watch DVDs on his computer, maintain multiple instant message conversations, listen to the Tigers game on the radio, and still manage to maintain an itelligable conversation on his phone, while absorbing everything that goes on about him. Its like he never learned the process of selective attention, which instead of being a hindrance gave him the supernatural ability to perform everything at once. However when God divvys out talents he usually seems to give out the bad with the good, and Tizzy is no exception. Other than being able to absorb all of the information in his surrounding environment, Tizzy was also given a lateral line. I didnt come up with this, and I wish I could remember which friend did so I could give them their proper due, but whenever Tizzy is being attacked or wrestled with he has a defense mechanism which produces its own thin slime layer. Its not just sweat either its the same kind of sensation one gets from picking up a fish, its like he becomes super slippery and if you have him in a bear hug he runs the risk of popping out of your grasp, the same way a bar of soap would. Even though it sounds like this could be beneficial, it just makes him disgusting to everyone, but in his own unique way.
Secondly, I was trying to figure out what was irritating, or strange about the shape of Placido Polanco's head, when my one friend Josh revealed the answer to me. It looks as if Placido is storing sunflower seeds all over his face, in his jaw, temples, forehead, etc. No one could have been able to describe Placido's look better. On a positive note it no longer makes me angry to look at Placido, in fact I rather enjoy it, because now he just looks like a hamster storing food away in his cheeks, for a later day.
Finally in my post going over the Devil Rays roster I said Lance Carter might be the worst all-star representative ever. I was wrong. The absolute worst All-Star ever, and I can not believe I forgot about him is Roger Pavlik in 1996. Granted his won loss record was respectable seeing as how he went 15-8, but his ERA was over 5.00, and he gave up over a hit an inning, and walked 80 batters to go along with 120 strikeouts. But the thing that really sets him apart from the rest in my mind, is the fact that the 1996 Texas Rangers were not a bad team, I mean they won the AL West and went to the playoffs, so its not like he was the lone representative on a horrible team, like Carter or Robert Fick were. In fact the AL MVP for that year, the always loathsome, especially for Tigers fans, Juan Gonzalez didnt go to the All-Star game that year. Dean Palmer, didnt go either, even though he hit 38 homeruns, and had over 100 RBIS. And if they had to take a pitcher Ken Hill, actually had a great year that year considering how much lower his ERA was compared to the league average. Not to mention that Pavlik was selected over the immortal Mickey Tettleton and Mike Henneman. But enough harping on Pavlik, Im sure he is a nice enough guy, well actually I bet he isnt, I bet he rubs his All Star prestige in everybodys face. When he's at the Denny's in Arlington he probably goes into a whole, "Do you know who the f--- I am, Im Roger f---ing Pavlik, I was an All-Star, I could buy this place, and you won' let me sleep in your f---ing dumpster!" Or even worse he probably shows up at crappy small town Little League games under the title Former Rangers great, as all the little kids get excited that they might be meeting Nolan Ryan, Pudge, or Al Oliver only to find Pavlik sitting under a tent wearing sunglasses and reeking of vodka. By the way I only write this last part because it happened to me once. I was enticed to stay after practice to meet a Tigers legend from the 68 World Series team, I was a big baseball fan even then and was running the names through my head, Al Kaline, Willie Horton, Mickey Lolich, who could it be? It was Mickey Stanley, who stayed for about fifteen minutes was probably drunk, absolutely surly, and signed maybe two items. Needless to say I quit Little League a week later, my dream of becoming a professional ballplayer shattered by witnessing in person, at such an impressionable age, the frailty of being a professional athlete. He was the complete opposite of everything I had ever imagined would become of a professional big leaguer, a crusty old curmudgeon. Enough of this though, I fear Im getting to deep, somehow I started writing about Roger Pavlik, and veered towards a Little League experience from fifteen years ago as being responsible for my jaded outlook on life.
Before I continue I would like to correct, or update, some of the things I have previously wrote.
First off I once mentioned I have a friend with the mentality of a twelve year old. The more I think about that the more I realize Im selling him short. Sure he likes the same things as twelve year old boys would, cartoons, Gameboy, marijuana, etc..... but hes actually quite remarkable in the fact that he can multitask like no one Ive ever seen before. My friend, well hes Tizzy the one from the Macker tournament, can play Xbox, watch DVDs on his computer, maintain multiple instant message conversations, listen to the Tigers game on the radio, and still manage to maintain an itelligable conversation on his phone, while absorbing everything that goes on about him. Its like he never learned the process of selective attention, which instead of being a hindrance gave him the supernatural ability to perform everything at once. However when God divvys out talents he usually seems to give out the bad with the good, and Tizzy is no exception. Other than being able to absorb all of the information in his surrounding environment, Tizzy was also given a lateral line. I didnt come up with this, and I wish I could remember which friend did so I could give them their proper due, but whenever Tizzy is being attacked or wrestled with he has a defense mechanism which produces its own thin slime layer. Its not just sweat either its the same kind of sensation one gets from picking up a fish, its like he becomes super slippery and if you have him in a bear hug he runs the risk of popping out of your grasp, the same way a bar of soap would. Even though it sounds like this could be beneficial, it just makes him disgusting to everyone, but in his own unique way.
Secondly, I was trying to figure out what was irritating, or strange about the shape of Placido Polanco's head, when my one friend Josh revealed the answer to me. It looks as if Placido is storing sunflower seeds all over his face, in his jaw, temples, forehead, etc. No one could have been able to describe Placido's look better. On a positive note it no longer makes me angry to look at Placido, in fact I rather enjoy it, because now he just looks like a hamster storing food away in his cheeks, for a later day.
Finally in my post going over the Devil Rays roster I said Lance Carter might be the worst all-star representative ever. I was wrong. The absolute worst All-Star ever, and I can not believe I forgot about him is Roger Pavlik in 1996. Granted his won loss record was respectable seeing as how he went 15-8, but his ERA was over 5.00, and he gave up over a hit an inning, and walked 80 batters to go along with 120 strikeouts. But the thing that really sets him apart from the rest in my mind, is the fact that the 1996 Texas Rangers were not a bad team, I mean they won the AL West and went to the playoffs, so its not like he was the lone representative on a horrible team, like Carter or Robert Fick were. In fact the AL MVP for that year, the always loathsome, especially for Tigers fans, Juan Gonzalez didnt go to the All-Star game that year. Dean Palmer, didnt go either, even though he hit 38 homeruns, and had over 100 RBIS. And if they had to take a pitcher Ken Hill, actually had a great year that year considering how much lower his ERA was compared to the league average. Not to mention that Pavlik was selected over the immortal Mickey Tettleton and Mike Henneman. But enough harping on Pavlik, Im sure he is a nice enough guy, well actually I bet he isnt, I bet he rubs his All Star prestige in everybodys face. When he's at the Denny's in Arlington he probably goes into a whole, "Do you know who the f--- I am, Im Roger f---ing Pavlik, I was an All-Star, I could buy this place, and you won' let me sleep in your f---ing dumpster!" Or even worse he probably shows up at crappy small town Little League games under the title Former Rangers great, as all the little kids get excited that they might be meeting Nolan Ryan, Pudge, or Al Oliver only to find Pavlik sitting under a tent wearing sunglasses and reeking of vodka. By the way I only write this last part because it happened to me once. I was enticed to stay after practice to meet a Tigers legend from the 68 World Series team, I was a big baseball fan even then and was running the names through my head, Al Kaline, Willie Horton, Mickey Lolich, who could it be? It was Mickey Stanley, who stayed for about fifteen minutes was probably drunk, absolutely surly, and signed maybe two items. Needless to say I quit Little League a week later, my dream of becoming a professional ballplayer shattered by witnessing in person, at such an impressionable age, the frailty of being a professional athlete. He was the complete opposite of everything I had ever imagined would become of a professional big leaguer, a crusty old curmudgeon. Enough of this though, I fear Im getting to deep, somehow I started writing about Roger Pavlik, and veered towards a Little League experience from fifteen years ago as being responsible for my jaded outlook on life.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Pistons-Tigers Update
Tonights Pistons game was amazing. Thirty one point victory, I would have never believed that any game in this series would have been decided by a margin as large as thirty points. I'm not sure what a lot of peoples opinions of Hubie Brown are as an announcer, but I think hes great to listen to. I also wonder if hes actually alive. I think hes probably been dead for about twenty plus years. Here is what I assume his daily routine is. Emerge from vault around five-ish in the evening. Re-apply any clumps of decomposing flesh which may have fallen off during sleep, before arriving to the arena in a hearse. Call the game. Leave arena and start to harvest bodies/souls. Take bath/soak in young mens blood to sustain himself for another day. I bet in whatever cities that Hubies calling games in the missing person total goes up by about 10 or 12. Another thing I hate to read about, and that the national media seems to focus a lot of attention on is the low rating for the Finals games. I never understood why this is newsworthy. 1) I am watching the game, thats for sure, as are 99% of my friends, (wait im not friends with a hundred people so how could I get 99%, im not even friends with 4 people). So then 100% of my friends are going to watch the game. 2) The NBA Finals, no matter how low the ratings may be, will never NOT be broadcast on TV, the networks pay and make too much money for them not to be televised, and even if they dont come on a network channel, Im sure one of the 2,983 other cable channels will carry the games. 3) Why would I care if some fruit picker in Southern California decides to go siesta instead of appreciating Lindsey Hunters tenacious defense or if some housewife in suburban Atlanta decides to watch "Hit Me Baby One More Time" on another network instead of the Finals. Its not like Im going to randomly call up someone and say "Did you watch the game?" have her say no and then become so flustered that i wont have any idea what to talk about. Not going to happen, so please stop informing me of ratings and percentages. Please.
Meanwhile the Tigers just completed an impressive sweep over the Padres, meaning that the Pads have never won a game in Detroit, which is kind of a cool stat. I like that Detroit had to beat San Diegos two best starters to get the sweep. Bonderman pitched great again today, and now has 8 victories with about 40% of the season completed, which actually puts him on pace for my one friends drug induced prediction of 20 wins this season. This is a quality of marijuana that the government never tells you about. They always harp on memory loss, and impaired motor skills, but never inform you of the seer-like abilities that happen as a result of the drug. You need burnout friends to find this stuff out for you. The Padres were getting desperate to beat Detroit, I even read that if they were to play a fourth game in this series they were going to drag Tim Lollar out of retirement to make an emergency start. Another great sign from this series, well from this week in general has been the outstanding play of Placido Polanco. I watched him yesterday go opposite field against Eaton three times, all of them were impressive at bats too. The only unnerving thing about Polanco so far, other than his name, which Ive already touched on, is the shape of his head. Right now Im at a complete loss for words on how to describe the shape or why it irritates me so much, However I am going to tomorrows Tigers game against the Giants, so maybe if I see it in person, Ill be better able to describe the effect it has on me, if one even exists. Oh well, Im excited about the Tigers game tomorrow night, and will post about it in the near future.
Meanwhile the Tigers just completed an impressive sweep over the Padres, meaning that the Pads have never won a game in Detroit, which is kind of a cool stat. I like that Detroit had to beat San Diegos two best starters to get the sweep. Bonderman pitched great again today, and now has 8 victories with about 40% of the season completed, which actually puts him on pace for my one friends drug induced prediction of 20 wins this season. This is a quality of marijuana that the government never tells you about. They always harp on memory loss, and impaired motor skills, but never inform you of the seer-like abilities that happen as a result of the drug. You need burnout friends to find this stuff out for you. The Padres were getting desperate to beat Detroit, I even read that if they were to play a fourth game in this series they were going to drag Tim Lollar out of retirement to make an emergency start. Another great sign from this series, well from this week in general has been the outstanding play of Placido Polanco. I watched him yesterday go opposite field against Eaton three times, all of them were impressive at bats too. The only unnerving thing about Polanco so far, other than his name, which Ive already touched on, is the shape of his head. Right now Im at a complete loss for words on how to describe the shape or why it irritates me so much, However I am going to tomorrows Tigers game against the Giants, so maybe if I see it in person, Ill be better able to describe the effect it has on me, if one even exists. Oh well, Im excited about the Tigers game tomorrow night, and will post about it in the near future.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Macker Weekend
I was unable to watch any of this weekends Tigers series because me and a couple of my friends, Tizzy and Arnie, were playing in the Gus Macker tournament, down in Taylor, Michigan. I don't care much for writing about my personal life in these posts, because......well whoever is reading this doesn't know me, so why the hell would you care about my day to day activities. Anyways I feel obliged to share the tale of the beatdown my friends and I, Tizzy and Arnie (pseudonyms of course........I've never been a fan of nicknames amongst friends, because it approaches a level of intimacy that I don't really care to share with my "friends", also friends is in quotations because as my one college roommate, the aforementioned Arnie, once said, "we don't have friends just close enemies.")
Forget the parentheses, I feel the need to expand on this topic a bit. Me and my friends have an interesting group dynamic, which can probably be gleaned from my room mates comment. The majority of my friends and I grew up in the same town, well practically the same neighborhood. From the beginning none of us really cared for one another, but we all shared the same trait, which forced our bond and in turn formed the foundation for our friendship. That trait was laziness. None of us wanted to really give the effort to forge friendships with people outside the area of a two minute bike ride, or short walk. Therefore our relationships with one another were based on a sense of proximity more than, shared traits, common interests, etc...... all of the things which, normal and I assume healthy friendships are built on. There is no sense of trust or interest of the general well being of other members of the group, and we try to discourage and bring down anyone that we feel threatens the stability of the group by actually achieving something that they may be proud of or make them stand out amongst us. However this is probably pretty common for most people growing up, where they befriend a neighbor, until high school and drivers licenses and all that cal and then slowly drift apart. My group was no exception to this as upon entering high school most of us from the neighborhood branched out into different social groups and friendships. However after a short time we drug our newfound friends into our same miserable group mentality and effectively ruined their social lives, which they in turn resented and hated us for. For example if a couple of my friends started to hang out frequently, they would be referred to as lovers and ridiculed mercilessly until they stopped. If one got a girlfriend the single ones would become antagonistic and subconsciously and covertly try to ruin their relationship through repeated barbs and the enticement of Nintendo, a very powerful weapon. This is not to say that my group of friends are a lot of dropouts, burnouts, ne'er do wells, in fact its quite the opposite considering our hometown, in the fact that we almost all went to college, received degrees, and are on the verge of decent jobs or grad school...........and this is a long drawn out reason for why I don't like nicknames amongst friends.
The fourth man on the Macker team was a big burly guy who used to live in the neighborhood, and whom we befriended, but mostly out of fear because he was older then us, twice our size, and a little bit mental. His name is Rob, (not a pseudonym). I was a late addition to the Macker team because last year I bailed on them to go on a trip to New York, which was about the easiest decision I ever made, but apparently upsetting to the team. I brushed it off and likened my behavior to the immortal Cedric Ceballos, I mean I just needed a vacation, who cares if its in the middle of a basketball season, or in this case local, crappy, 3 on 3 tourney. However they were a wary that I would go AWOL again so they didn't ask me to join until they had decided on a team name, which was (ugh) D-Unit. I would have called our team "Don't be a faggot", but it wasn't my decision to make. Also against my protests we made t- shirts just like a JV girls soccer team, complete with nicknames on the back. I was half expecting my friend Arnie to put something ridiculous like Short Stuf (yes with one f) and number 1/2. However much to my chagrin I was the only one to go with a nickname, I chose Dr. Thunderfoot, and number 00 of course (representing Benoit Benjamin).
We arrived in Taylor early Saturday morning, we consisting of my team already mentioned, and my teammates three girlfriends, which made me an unprecedented seventh wheel. Im not sure if an occurrence like that has ever happened before but I now hold the record unofficially until proven otherwise. I had to room with Tizzy and his girl, who Id never met but who I immediately knew was on her period, not because of her attitude but because of a smell, an uncanny and unfortunate attribute that I have. Apparently when God was handing out talents, me and Sasquatch were on the short end of the stick. Because if youve ever watched Unsolved Mysteries you would know that Bigfoot is attracted to menstruating women. But enough of that. The first team we played was the Seven Mile Doggs. There were two possible scenarios regarding this 7 mile team. 1) dorky white guys, with a tongue in cheek street cred name or 2) 4 tall black guys who were in the No Experience bracket because apparently The Michigan State Penitentiary Basketball team does not qualify as an Experience league. Unfortunately it was the latter. You can guess how that turned out. 15-4 Doggs, only made close because they were determined to score their last 3 points by each dunking on us. The next game we played against a team named Spiced Lightning, a team we should have beat and were beating until midway through the game I landed on someones foot. POP! I now know what it feels like to have no foot, to have your tibia and fibula touch the pavement, and it is not good. I immediately hopped off the court and watched Arnie, who was completely outsized by the guy I was guarding, get killed on the offensive glass, and eventually lose the game.
Anyways I'm really not going to post much more regarding the Macker weekend, except that after the game my friend Arnie proceeded to drink heavily for oh.........about the next six hours. So the next morning we found him comatose on the hotel room bed. Of course he was to hungover, (or would it be hanged over?) to play, and I already had an ankle with a baseball growing out of the side of it rendering me almost completely immobile. Still though, with essentially two and a half men, we almost won our third and final game, even though my first step on defense was as quick as that of an uninjured person wearing cement shoes. Hopefully Greg Kelser hasn't copyrighted that saying yet. Speaking of Pistons broadcasters, I wonder if any one has ever had the heart to tell Fred McLeod that he probably shouldn't refer to shots that bounce around the rim before going in as "rubber rim jobs". Ive always pictured the situation as McLeod being really proud of creating that little phrase and a conversation going as follows:Kelser: "Hey, Fred you know that rubber rim job thing you always say?"McLeod(cutting in): "Yeah isnt it great, I remember it just came to me, just a catchy little somewhat alliterative phrase, just kind of rolls off the tongue, Im really proud of that one. So whats up Greg?"Kelser: (being polite as he seems he would be) " Oh nothing......err do you think Rips gay I was gonna ask him out, you know just to make Zeke jealous and all."They need a drunk and belligerant Mark Champion to break it to McLeod, have him fill in for Kelser one day and be like, "You know Fred a rim job is when you get your asshole licked". Now that would be color commentary. Anyways my team was eliminated from the Macker after playing the bare minimum of three games. Pathetic, yet fun.
Forget the parentheses, I feel the need to expand on this topic a bit. Me and my friends have an interesting group dynamic, which can probably be gleaned from my room mates comment. The majority of my friends and I grew up in the same town, well practically the same neighborhood. From the beginning none of us really cared for one another, but we all shared the same trait, which forced our bond and in turn formed the foundation for our friendship. That trait was laziness. None of us wanted to really give the effort to forge friendships with people outside the area of a two minute bike ride, or short walk. Therefore our relationships with one another were based on a sense of proximity more than, shared traits, common interests, etc...... all of the things which, normal and I assume healthy friendships are built on. There is no sense of trust or interest of the general well being of other members of the group, and we try to discourage and bring down anyone that we feel threatens the stability of the group by actually achieving something that they may be proud of or make them stand out amongst us. However this is probably pretty common for most people growing up, where they befriend a neighbor, until high school and drivers licenses and all that cal and then slowly drift apart. My group was no exception to this as upon entering high school most of us from the neighborhood branched out into different social groups and friendships. However after a short time we drug our newfound friends into our same miserable group mentality and effectively ruined their social lives, which they in turn resented and hated us for. For example if a couple of my friends started to hang out frequently, they would be referred to as lovers and ridiculed mercilessly until they stopped. If one got a girlfriend the single ones would become antagonistic and subconsciously and covertly try to ruin their relationship through repeated barbs and the enticement of Nintendo, a very powerful weapon. This is not to say that my group of friends are a lot of dropouts, burnouts, ne'er do wells, in fact its quite the opposite considering our hometown, in the fact that we almost all went to college, received degrees, and are on the verge of decent jobs or grad school...........and this is a long drawn out reason for why I don't like nicknames amongst friends.
The fourth man on the Macker team was a big burly guy who used to live in the neighborhood, and whom we befriended, but mostly out of fear because he was older then us, twice our size, and a little bit mental. His name is Rob, (not a pseudonym). I was a late addition to the Macker team because last year I bailed on them to go on a trip to New York, which was about the easiest decision I ever made, but apparently upsetting to the team. I brushed it off and likened my behavior to the immortal Cedric Ceballos, I mean I just needed a vacation, who cares if its in the middle of a basketball season, or in this case local, crappy, 3 on 3 tourney. However they were a wary that I would go AWOL again so they didn't ask me to join until they had decided on a team name, which was (ugh) D-Unit. I would have called our team "Don't be a faggot", but it wasn't my decision to make. Also against my protests we made t- shirts just like a JV girls soccer team, complete with nicknames on the back. I was half expecting my friend Arnie to put something ridiculous like Short Stuf (yes with one f) and number 1/2. However much to my chagrin I was the only one to go with a nickname, I chose Dr. Thunderfoot, and number 00 of course (representing Benoit Benjamin).
We arrived in Taylor early Saturday morning, we consisting of my team already mentioned, and my teammates three girlfriends, which made me an unprecedented seventh wheel. Im not sure if an occurrence like that has ever happened before but I now hold the record unofficially until proven otherwise. I had to room with Tizzy and his girl, who Id never met but who I immediately knew was on her period, not because of her attitude but because of a smell, an uncanny and unfortunate attribute that I have. Apparently when God was handing out talents, me and Sasquatch were on the short end of the stick. Because if youve ever watched Unsolved Mysteries you would know that Bigfoot is attracted to menstruating women. But enough of that. The first team we played was the Seven Mile Doggs. There were two possible scenarios regarding this 7 mile team. 1) dorky white guys, with a tongue in cheek street cred name or 2) 4 tall black guys who were in the No Experience bracket because apparently The Michigan State Penitentiary Basketball team does not qualify as an Experience league. Unfortunately it was the latter. You can guess how that turned out. 15-4 Doggs, only made close because they were determined to score their last 3 points by each dunking on us. The next game we played against a team named Spiced Lightning, a team we should have beat and were beating until midway through the game I landed on someones foot. POP! I now know what it feels like to have no foot, to have your tibia and fibula touch the pavement, and it is not good. I immediately hopped off the court and watched Arnie, who was completely outsized by the guy I was guarding, get killed on the offensive glass, and eventually lose the game.
Anyways I'm really not going to post much more regarding the Macker weekend, except that after the game my friend Arnie proceeded to drink heavily for oh.........about the next six hours. So the next morning we found him comatose on the hotel room bed. Of course he was to hungover, (or would it be hanged over?) to play, and I already had an ankle with a baseball growing out of the side of it rendering me almost completely immobile. Still though, with essentially two and a half men, we almost won our third and final game, even though my first step on defense was as quick as that of an uninjured person wearing cement shoes. Hopefully Greg Kelser hasn't copyrighted that saying yet. Speaking of Pistons broadcasters, I wonder if any one has ever had the heart to tell Fred McLeod that he probably shouldn't refer to shots that bounce around the rim before going in as "rubber rim jobs". Ive always pictured the situation as McLeod being really proud of creating that little phrase and a conversation going as follows:Kelser: "Hey, Fred you know that rubber rim job thing you always say?"McLeod(cutting in): "Yeah isnt it great, I remember it just came to me, just a catchy little somewhat alliterative phrase, just kind of rolls off the tongue, Im really proud of that one. So whats up Greg?"Kelser: (being polite as he seems he would be) " Oh nothing......err do you think Rips gay I was gonna ask him out, you know just to make Zeke jealous and all."They need a drunk and belligerant Mark Champion to break it to McLeod, have him fill in for Kelser one day and be like, "You know Fred a rim job is when you get your asshole licked". Now that would be color commentary. Anyways my team was eliminated from the Macker after playing the bare minimum of three games. Pathetic, yet fun.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Another Update
I told you that I can never think of any creative titles for my posts. It took me nearly 15 minutes to come up with this title. I could never work at a newspaper because I lack the ability to grab a readers attention, I would probably continuously submit articles headlined.......... Another Accident, or More Dead, but I digress. Anyways its been a while since I last posted and a lot has happened with the Tigers in the meantime, with the biggest news being todays trade between Detroit and the Phillies that sent Ugueth and Ramon Martinez to Philly for Placido Polanco. My initial reaction to the move was anger because over the last year and a half I had really grown to like Ugie...........or is it Oogey, can I get a definitive answer on this please. Anyways both teams traded their strengths to overcome weaknesses, so you cant fault either team there. However, I immediately called up my friends with the news of the Ugueth trade after seeing it during my 671st ESPN.com page refresh of the day, thereby justifying the time I spend online, especially on the espn webpage waiting for any news. Anyways the immediate reaction from my friends as well as myself was that none of us like Polanco, strictly because of his name. I know on previous reports I have harped on my dislike for the word blog, because I think it sounds vulgar, and for some reason I feel the same about Placido's name. I cant quite put my finger on why I dislike it but I think its because I associate his first name with the word flaccid a word which I in turn associate with a limp penis. However, I think everybody associates the word flaccid with that, I mean I dont think I ve ever heard it used in a different context, like for example, someone saying, "Check and see if the spaghetti is flaccid yet", it just sounds disturbing.........Oh well I think trading for Placido is a good move, just because Guillen is hurting, Infante blows, and I dont think Tony Graffanino, or I mean Giarrarrarrttarranrrno is ready to play and be effective everyday.
Also Chris Shelton is back with the Tigers after tearing up Triple A, which raises the question, has there ever been a more unlikely looking professional athlete as Chris Shelton, He looks as though he should be working in a sausage factory, or behind the counter of the local Dunkin' Donuts. The person he reminds me the most of is an overweight Robert Fick..........I think I may have just uncovered Sheltons secret, I think he was probably an unassuming minor leaguer in the Pittsburgh system, who had a chance encounter with Fick somewhere, ate him, absorbed his powers which he combined with his own natural ability, and skyrocketed through the minors as a result, much like Majinn Buu used to do on Dragonball Z. Mind you I never watched Dragonball Z willingly, its just I have a friend, who is 22, (I dont want anyone to think I am a chester), but has a mentality of a 12 year old. He was obsessed with the Dragonball show, and talked to me and my friends incessantly about it, and for some reason this completely useless info stuck around for years, taking up valuable space in my brain which could have been used for my learning German in college. Speaking of stolen identities Vance Wilson is horrific, I think it's Matt Walbeck in disguise, back for seconds with the Tigers, I think Walbecks been able to fool people by wearing those stupid angular sunglasses.
some quick thoughts about ESPN programming- I liked the idea of battle of the gridiron stars but the execution was horrible. I think the show would have been better had they ended each episode with a special event, such as who can snort the most lines of coke off of strippers bodies, or who can successfully mask their drug tests. Also how did they decide on having Harold Reynolds involved, he played baseball, I bet he either stowed away on the flight to Hawaii, or happened to be vacationing at the same resort where they filmed it. And Im sure that Sean Salisbury would have been falling over himself to be involved, however I believe the Mannings probably have a restraining order against him, since he slurps Peyton so much. Of course you know Merrill Hoge would have turned his nose down at the whole idea, of such a competition. Finally whos idea was it to release TILT on DVD, is anyone going to buy this? did anyone watch one episode of this? Now we are once again subjected to more commercials with Norman Chad explaining why they call Michael Madsen the Matador. I think I would rather be skinned alive than watch the whole season of TILT, and yes ESPN the DVD would make a great Fathers Day gift, but only if you really hated the man, then it would be great to get it in spite of him.
Also Chris Shelton is back with the Tigers after tearing up Triple A, which raises the question, has there ever been a more unlikely looking professional athlete as Chris Shelton, He looks as though he should be working in a sausage factory, or behind the counter of the local Dunkin' Donuts. The person he reminds me the most of is an overweight Robert Fick..........I think I may have just uncovered Sheltons secret, I think he was probably an unassuming minor leaguer in the Pittsburgh system, who had a chance encounter with Fick somewhere, ate him, absorbed his powers which he combined with his own natural ability, and skyrocketed through the minors as a result, much like Majinn Buu used to do on Dragonball Z. Mind you I never watched Dragonball Z willingly, its just I have a friend, who is 22, (I dont want anyone to think I am a chester), but has a mentality of a 12 year old. He was obsessed with the Dragonball show, and talked to me and my friends incessantly about it, and for some reason this completely useless info stuck around for years, taking up valuable space in my brain which could have been used for my learning German in college. Speaking of stolen identities Vance Wilson is horrific, I think it's Matt Walbeck in disguise, back for seconds with the Tigers, I think Walbecks been able to fool people by wearing those stupid angular sunglasses.
some quick thoughts about ESPN programming- I liked the idea of battle of the gridiron stars but the execution was horrible. I think the show would have been better had they ended each episode with a special event, such as who can snort the most lines of coke off of strippers bodies, or who can successfully mask their drug tests. Also how did they decide on having Harold Reynolds involved, he played baseball, I bet he either stowed away on the flight to Hawaii, or happened to be vacationing at the same resort where they filmed it. And Im sure that Sean Salisbury would have been falling over himself to be involved, however I believe the Mannings probably have a restraining order against him, since he slurps Peyton so much. Of course you know Merrill Hoge would have turned his nose down at the whole idea, of such a competition. Finally whos idea was it to release TILT on DVD, is anyone going to buy this? did anyone watch one episode of this? Now we are once again subjected to more commercials with Norman Chad explaining why they call Michael Madsen the Matador. I think I would rather be skinned alive than watch the whole season of TILT, and yes ESPN the DVD would make a great Fathers Day gift, but only if you really hated the man, then it would be great to get it in spite of him.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Update
I have been a bad Tigers fan this season........there I admitted it. I ve only been to one game at Comerica and have not been able to watch every game on television this season. I don't have an explanation for why I haven't been watching, its not like I have work/girlfriends/distractions that prevent me from watching........I just don't. I think its a part of getting older, or just the feeling that I should be doing more important things, like its no longer acceptable to devote five nights a week to sitting alone in my house and watching a three hour long baseball game. But enough about that I have watched a fair amount of games, and the reliable and always scary Danny Knobler has kept me informed of the happenings within the organization and locker room. So with this information in hand I will now give a quarterly report on the entire Tigers roster, a task whose scope is so large that I will find it necessary to sleep until at least 4 oclock tomorrow afternoon just to recover, well actually I am sure I would be sleeping in tomorrow regardless but at least I now have a legitimate excuse, well at least its legitimate for me........
Jeremy Bonderman: I cant believe I almost got this prediction right, I thought I was being ridiculously optimistic in my predictions for his season but so far so good, and now if I've completely jinxed him you can put 100 percent of the blame on me. I haven't really been able to see him pitch much this season, but when I have hes been electric. He still reminds me of a bird or a fat toad, nevermind I cant say fat toad because that nickname already belongs to the immortal Hideki Irabu. I was concerned as I think nearly every Tigers fan was, when Bonderman missed that one start with dead arm. Luckily it was just a passing thing.........I think. Speaking of dead arms the Carlos Zambrano injury that he got from typing online too much must be one of the most absurd injuries in awhile. I can relate to Carlos because I myself have experienced dead arm from spending too much time online, however for an entirely different reason, usually on weekday nights when my room mate in college was staying at his girlfriends apartment. Also I believe I am close enough to Carlos that I can refer to him on a first name basis, this is based solely on the fact that he has been on my fantasy baseball team each year that he has been in the major leagues.
Mike Maroth: I also have gotten this one right so far. I thought Maroth would end up with about a .500 record and an ERA in the mid 4's based solely on the fact that its Mike Maroth and this is what he does every year. Im not really sure if I've seen him pitch more than a couple of innings this year but Im assuming its still the same bland soft tossing lefty stuff hes been doing for over three years. Mike Maroth is my candidate for the potential Willie Blair/Kent Bottenfield season, a season in which none of Maroths stats are any better except for his won-loss record, a season in which he'll get insane run support in his starts, which will in turn result in a season where he goes 18-8. I only remember Bottenfield because I may be the only person to have drafted him in fantasy sports the following season. I always have a penchant for making ridiculous sleeper picks, because my arrogance about my baseball knowledge leads me to believe I can win the title with a lineup that contains nearly no household names. In an unrelated story I have never won my fantasy baseball league, and Bottenfield sucked with the Angels.........of course.
Nate Robertson: Robertson worries me in the fact that he now throws as hard as Maroth, but with no control. Robertson sports an ERA of 2.96 which is misleading because ten of his runs are unearned including five in one game against the Angels. However that Angels game was the one game I attended and let me tell you he was pitching like feces. However it did not help that the Tigers, inexplicably, could not turn a double play to save their lives in that game which resulted in all the unearned runs, but Robertson was still throwing BP fastballs and everything the Los Angeles of Anaheim of Orange County of the Great Golden State of California of the United States Of America hit was hit hard. However I do like Robertson because he wears goggles and I think that if I were a professional athlete I would also wear goggles even though I wear contacts in every day life. I would especially wear them if I played football, I always though Eric Dickerson looked badass in goggles, however Horace Grant was an asshole so I may have to rethink my position on this very important matter. Also I have no evidence that Horace Grant was an asshole but he seemed like he would be.
Jason Johnson: Johnson started off kind of slow, well actually he threw a shutout in his first start but it was against the Royals so that really shouldnt count, but he was also getting rocked in spring training and after his nightmare game against the Twins I was ready to designate him for assignment, but this is why I am not a GM nor will I ever be one. Since that Twins start he has pitched good and has his ERA in the mid 3's or a full two runs lower than I thought it would be, but he has a tendency to tire as the season wears on so we'll see how he does from here on out.
Fredo Ledezma: Ugh, I expected big things from him and so far he is off to a pretty rough start. Im not ready to give up on him of course because its only a quarter of the way through the season and that would be absurd. However I did expect better than this, watching him against the Yankees the other night was rough, they were absolutely teeing off on him. Oh well he will still be solid in the future and will come back and get his revenge against the Yankees. Also I wonder if Wil is the most prominent person to ever attend Ciudad Jardin University. I need some one to research this, I would try but I don't know Spanish and thats what there whole website is in. Also if Wil was born in 1981 and has been playing professional baseball for at least five years how old was he when he first started going to University. Something doesnt seem to add up, I smell a potential Deivi Cruz situation where one day I ll wake up to find that Wil is actually 32, a revelation which will throw me off for an entire day, as I try to come to grips with the fact that I may have actually slept for 8 years a feat that is surely not a question of if it will happen but when.
Jeremy Bonderman: I cant believe I almost got this prediction right, I thought I was being ridiculously optimistic in my predictions for his season but so far so good, and now if I've completely jinxed him you can put 100 percent of the blame on me. I haven't really been able to see him pitch much this season, but when I have hes been electric. He still reminds me of a bird or a fat toad, nevermind I cant say fat toad because that nickname already belongs to the immortal Hideki Irabu. I was concerned as I think nearly every Tigers fan was, when Bonderman missed that one start with dead arm. Luckily it was just a passing thing.........I think. Speaking of dead arms the Carlos Zambrano injury that he got from typing online too much must be one of the most absurd injuries in awhile. I can relate to Carlos because I myself have experienced dead arm from spending too much time online, however for an entirely different reason, usually on weekday nights when my room mate in college was staying at his girlfriends apartment. Also I believe I am close enough to Carlos that I can refer to him on a first name basis, this is based solely on the fact that he has been on my fantasy baseball team each year that he has been in the major leagues.
Mike Maroth: I also have gotten this one right so far. I thought Maroth would end up with about a .500 record and an ERA in the mid 4's based solely on the fact that its Mike Maroth and this is what he does every year. Im not really sure if I've seen him pitch more than a couple of innings this year but Im assuming its still the same bland soft tossing lefty stuff hes been doing for over three years. Mike Maroth is my candidate for the potential Willie Blair/Kent Bottenfield season, a season in which none of Maroths stats are any better except for his won-loss record, a season in which he'll get insane run support in his starts, which will in turn result in a season where he goes 18-8. I only remember Bottenfield because I may be the only person to have drafted him in fantasy sports the following season. I always have a penchant for making ridiculous sleeper picks, because my arrogance about my baseball knowledge leads me to believe I can win the title with a lineup that contains nearly no household names. In an unrelated story I have never won my fantasy baseball league, and Bottenfield sucked with the Angels.........of course.
Nate Robertson: Robertson worries me in the fact that he now throws as hard as Maroth, but with no control. Robertson sports an ERA of 2.96 which is misleading because ten of his runs are unearned including five in one game against the Angels. However that Angels game was the one game I attended and let me tell you he was pitching like feces. However it did not help that the Tigers, inexplicably, could not turn a double play to save their lives in that game which resulted in all the unearned runs, but Robertson was still throwing BP fastballs and everything the Los Angeles of Anaheim of Orange County of the Great Golden State of California of the United States Of America hit was hit hard. However I do like Robertson because he wears goggles and I think that if I were a professional athlete I would also wear goggles even though I wear contacts in every day life. I would especially wear them if I played football, I always though Eric Dickerson looked badass in goggles, however Horace Grant was an asshole so I may have to rethink my position on this very important matter. Also I have no evidence that Horace Grant was an asshole but he seemed like he would be.
Jason Johnson: Johnson started off kind of slow, well actually he threw a shutout in his first start but it was against the Royals so that really shouldnt count, but he was also getting rocked in spring training and after his nightmare game against the Twins I was ready to designate him for assignment, but this is why I am not a GM nor will I ever be one. Since that Twins start he has pitched good and has his ERA in the mid 3's or a full two runs lower than I thought it would be, but he has a tendency to tire as the season wears on so we'll see how he does from here on out.
Fredo Ledezma: Ugh, I expected big things from him and so far he is off to a pretty rough start. Im not ready to give up on him of course because its only a quarter of the way through the season and that would be absurd. However I did expect better than this, watching him against the Yankees the other night was rough, they were absolutely teeing off on him. Oh well he will still be solid in the future and will come back and get his revenge against the Yankees. Also I wonder if Wil is the most prominent person to ever attend Ciudad Jardin University. I need some one to research this, I would try but I don't know Spanish and thats what there whole website is in. Also if Wil was born in 1981 and has been playing professional baseball for at least five years how old was he when he first started going to University. Something doesnt seem to add up, I smell a potential Deivi Cruz situation where one day I ll wake up to find that Wil is actually 32, a revelation which will throw me off for an entire day, as I try to come to grips with the fact that I may have actually slept for 8 years a feat that is surely not a question of if it will happen but when.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Team Analog
That last post could only be described as a diatribe, I don't know how it got where it did, and it went on quite a bit longer than I expected it would. Also I dont like to make it look like I relish making obscure references and feel the need to point them out. After reading that I felt like whoever wrote that must be a pretentious asshole who ought to be punched in the face, so if anyone who has ever read this sees me walking down the street they get one free punch on me but not in the stomach I don't feel like dying Houdini style.
I got to watch tonights Tiger game on FSN Detroit for two reasons,
1: because it was actually being aired, and
2: there was no Pistons game on to rival it.
However there is not a more boring team to watch than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. I have never heard of any of the guys on their team, and the ones I have heard of are pretty depressing in the fact that you know they are at the end of the road guys like Charles Johnson,Hideo Nomo, and Casey Fossum, who was a key part of the trade that brought Curt Schilling to Boston................somehow. They also have the immortal Trever Miller, I believe I own about 500 1991 Topps Trever Miller draft pick baseball cards. A card that made me hope that one day Trever Miller would someday become a superstar, I mean if Topps picked him to be on a card so early in his career he must be good, because Topps had an eye for talent back then, making similar cards for Steve Searcy, and Hensley Meulens............nevermind. I'll run through the D-Rays roster really quick:
Danys Baez: Seemed like he was a big deal when he first arrived on the raft from Cuba, was with the Indians during the end of their AL Central Salad Days, always seemed to disappoint as a starter, and somehow ended up being traded to the D-Rays, also Ive never known how to properly say his first name is the S at the end silent?
Lance Carter: Brother of Aaron and Nick Carter, who gave up pursuit of celebrity in favor of a baseball career......well I made that up but Im sure its far more interesting than anything he has ever actually done in real life, although he may be the worst All-Star representative........ever.
Jesus Colome: I know nothing about this guy, but I like his name, possibly a stage name and my future porn movie name, although Im leaning towards Zesty Alvarado if and when I choose that path.
Lets just run through the rest of the pitchers, Ive already mentioned Fossum, I dont know who Travis Harper, John Switzer, or Doug Waechter are, or if they really exist, Mark Hendrickson used to play basketball with the Spurs I think, Scott Kazmir is supposed to be good, but Im still coming to grips with the fact that there are professional athletes younger than I am, and he is, so I dont like him. Seth McClung is a tall red headed guy, and thats about it. Now outside of Kazmir how many of these guys would even be on another teams roster, or if they made the roster be more than a 11th 12th man in the pen. None of them, and Dewon Brazelton sucks too so no help there.
The bats are just as bad, Toby Hall, it seems like hes been talked about as a big up and comer for years, but now hes nearly thirty years old, so I dont think hes going to be getting any better, not only that but I bought into his hype three years ago and drafted him for my fantasy team, thinking he would be the ultimate sleeper pick, but he killed my roto team for about three weeks before i dropped him, so I have a reason to dislike him. Apparently Eduardo Perez still plays, Julio Lugo is effective when hes not beating his wife in the parking lot after games, Alex Gonzalez is one of the 27 Alex Gonzalezes playing in the league, and they may or may not all be the same person. Actually I think it is a MLB rule that each team must be carrying at least one Alex Gonzalez on their roster at all times. And Jorge Cantu, I mean nothing can prepare you for the Jorge Cantu closeup on the TV screen. Anyways by now you get my point The D Rays suck, I mean Carl Crawford should be good, and Baldelli, as well as Delmon Young, and possibly BJ Upton if he ever learns to play defense, but thats years away and those guys arent sure things, and I dont think they have any pitching in their system.
Also is there anyone in Tampa who actual watches or cares about this team, are there such things as die hard D-Ray fans, why would there be?, and who? The team has only one more than 70 games once since their inception, at least Arizona the D-Rays sister expansion team, (why is it never brother when comparing things like this) have won a World Series and had some excitement. Oh well, and also my heart goes out to Rod Allen because tonight he got put in his place by an emailer who asked if any of Rods 11 career big league hits came off good pitchers. Ouch. You know that had to hurt him too, because he talks as though he were an integral member of the 84 championship team. At first it sounded like he was going to dispute the facts, but he knew deep down the guy was right. I bet he flipped over the production fan for forwarding that question through as well as punish Impembas asshole tonight for reading it on air. Well at least now we know Mike Flanagan and Frank Viola share the ignominy of allowing a hit to Rod Allen, when this was relayed to Viola he responded by saying "Who the fuck is Ron Allen?"
I got to watch tonights Tiger game on FSN Detroit for two reasons,
1: because it was actually being aired, and
2: there was no Pistons game on to rival it.
However there is not a more boring team to watch than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. I have never heard of any of the guys on their team, and the ones I have heard of are pretty depressing in the fact that you know they are at the end of the road guys like Charles Johnson,Hideo Nomo, and Casey Fossum, who was a key part of the trade that brought Curt Schilling to Boston................somehow. They also have the immortal Trever Miller, I believe I own about 500 1991 Topps Trever Miller draft pick baseball cards. A card that made me hope that one day Trever Miller would someday become a superstar, I mean if Topps picked him to be on a card so early in his career he must be good, because Topps had an eye for talent back then, making similar cards for Steve Searcy, and Hensley Meulens............nevermind. I'll run through the D-Rays roster really quick:
Danys Baez: Seemed like he was a big deal when he first arrived on the raft from Cuba, was with the Indians during the end of their AL Central Salad Days, always seemed to disappoint as a starter, and somehow ended up being traded to the D-Rays, also Ive never known how to properly say his first name is the S at the end silent?
Lance Carter: Brother of Aaron and Nick Carter, who gave up pursuit of celebrity in favor of a baseball career......well I made that up but Im sure its far more interesting than anything he has ever actually done in real life, although he may be the worst All-Star representative........ever.
Jesus Colome: I know nothing about this guy, but I like his name, possibly a stage name and my future porn movie name, although Im leaning towards Zesty Alvarado if and when I choose that path.
Lets just run through the rest of the pitchers, Ive already mentioned Fossum, I dont know who Travis Harper, John Switzer, or Doug Waechter are, or if they really exist, Mark Hendrickson used to play basketball with the Spurs I think, Scott Kazmir is supposed to be good, but Im still coming to grips with the fact that there are professional athletes younger than I am, and he is, so I dont like him. Seth McClung is a tall red headed guy, and thats about it. Now outside of Kazmir how many of these guys would even be on another teams roster, or if they made the roster be more than a 11th 12th man in the pen. None of them, and Dewon Brazelton sucks too so no help there.
The bats are just as bad, Toby Hall, it seems like hes been talked about as a big up and comer for years, but now hes nearly thirty years old, so I dont think hes going to be getting any better, not only that but I bought into his hype three years ago and drafted him for my fantasy team, thinking he would be the ultimate sleeper pick, but he killed my roto team for about three weeks before i dropped him, so I have a reason to dislike him. Apparently Eduardo Perez still plays, Julio Lugo is effective when hes not beating his wife in the parking lot after games, Alex Gonzalez is one of the 27 Alex Gonzalezes playing in the league, and they may or may not all be the same person. Actually I think it is a MLB rule that each team must be carrying at least one Alex Gonzalez on their roster at all times. And Jorge Cantu, I mean nothing can prepare you for the Jorge Cantu closeup on the TV screen. Anyways by now you get my point The D Rays suck, I mean Carl Crawford should be good, and Baldelli, as well as Delmon Young, and possibly BJ Upton if he ever learns to play defense, but thats years away and those guys arent sure things, and I dont think they have any pitching in their system.
Also is there anyone in Tampa who actual watches or cares about this team, are there such things as die hard D-Ray fans, why would there be?, and who? The team has only one more than 70 games once since their inception, at least Arizona the D-Rays sister expansion team, (why is it never brother when comparing things like this) have won a World Series and had some excitement. Oh well, and also my heart goes out to Rod Allen because tonight he got put in his place by an emailer who asked if any of Rods 11 career big league hits came off good pitchers. Ouch. You know that had to hurt him too, because he talks as though he were an integral member of the 84 championship team. At first it sounded like he was going to dispute the facts, but he knew deep down the guy was right. I bet he flipped over the production fan for forwarding that question through as well as punish Impembas asshole tonight for reading it on air. Well at least now we know Mike Flanagan and Frank Viola share the ignominy of allowing a hit to Rod Allen, when this was relayed to Viola he responded by saying "Who the fuck is Ron Allen?"
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