Top 5 Sports Video Game Countdown #1

Continuing my theme of laziness, I'm going to finish a countdown that I started last August and has now taken nearly 8 months for me to complete. I know my writing is erratic and I've been apt to take weeks, and occasionally months, off between postings but even I can't believe it's taken this long for me to finish this list. In my defense I didn't forget about the list, it's just the #1 game holds such a special place in the heart and soul of my friends and I that I wanted to do it justice. I didn't want to slap together a few incoherent and rambling paragraphs and call it a day, no this game is much to important to receive such a short shrift. Now I fear I've raised the bar too high, I'm sure this post will still be strife with misspelled words, riddled with poor grammar, and contain many factual errors, so don't expect an eloquent post that will be included in the 2007 Best American Sports Writers book, (because 90% of that book is reserved for that asshat Rick Reilly....yeah thats why this wont be in there...). Also I apologize for these long ass introductory paragraphs before every post, they are probably really tiresome to read through, but I feel it necessary to explain all of my actions. I do this in real life and most people find it charming and endearing.....wait I mean painfully annoying, but indulge me on this. Anyways on to #1.

# 1: Tecmo Super Bowl: This is the perfect sports video game, no forget that, this is the greatest, most transcendent, video game ever created. Wait, that still understates the importance of this game, o.k. let me try again...if Jesus, Mickey Tettleton, Thomas Edison, Alfred Nobel and a thousand monkeys programming a thousand games for a thousand years combined their efforts they would not be able to come up with a game that equalled the sheer brilliance of Tecmo Super Bowl. That's how strongly I feel about this game as the absolute apex of human innovation. To put it another way if I had to chose just one item to put into a time capsule to be opened hundreds of years into the future as an example of American life and culture, it would be Tecmo Super Bowl. Forget "Catcher in the Rye", forget "Nighthawks", and forget Elvis Presley and rock n' roll, just leave Tecmo Super Bowl and watch (well I guess we'd all be dead by then, so we'll just have to imagine) as future generations worship Lawrence Taylor as a God and spend lifetimes trying to understand his power, grace, and ruthlessness.

I remember the day I purchased Tecmo Super Bowl. I was 8 and my mom and I were browsing through the electronics section at the local Big Wheel (Clio used to be a sprawling metropolis, we even had an Ampitheater) shortly before Christmas looking for gift ideas. That's when I saw the huge display touting the release of Tecmo Super Bowl for the NES, and I knew I had to have it.....right now. I begged my mom for the game and after much wrangling, and promises that I'm sure went unfulfilled I managed to procure a copy of the game two weeks before Christmas morning. After I got back home I raced to the basement, where the NES was set up, loaded the cartridge and started playing....and I never really stopped.

When I was a kid I was much more patient and easily amazed, and whenever I would rent or purchase a game I would always watch the title screen and whatever back story the game had programmed. These screens always ranged from terrible to just not making any fucking sense, (see Monster Party), with the lone exception being the intro to Tecmo Super Bowl. I remember sitting there in the basement and hearing the first strings (I know I wrote strings, like the game's music was produced by an orchestra, when in real life it was a grating synthesized MIDI file) of that memorable music as the camera panned over a packed out stadium. Then came the cut screens came. Wow! Joe Montana dropping back to pass. No way! that's Barry Sanders and the Lions, Holy shit! Lawrence Taylor is pissing on Mark Rypien after a sack.

Anyways, I always forget how groundbreaking this game was for the time, as it was the first game I can remember that had a full 16 game schedule and playoffs, compiled player statistics, and had in-game injuries, which were always amusing because two little trainers would come sprinting on to the field as the crowd sat stunned, and dramatic music started playing before Webster Slaughter limped off the field. This was the first game that contained all the elements that would make sports games so addictive for me, culminating in the 30 season franchise option available on the most recent version of Madden, which in turn means Tecmo Super Bowl is responsible for ruining any semblance of a social life I might have had....so thanks a lot you big sweater wearing Tecmo rabbit who mockingly smiles at me every time I turn on my console...jerk.

I'm not going to continue to bore you with the technical details of the game and anyone who is reading this and doesn't know how amazing this game is or has never played it before, just stop. Stop reading this, stop working, stop going to class, stop everything, and go out and buy this game or download an emulator and play it on your computer, and then a couple of weeks from now when you've grown a scraggly beard, you reek of body odor from not showering, your girlfriends left you and you've lost your job/flunked out of school you can e-mail me and thank me for changing your life...for the better. Instead of the technical nonsense I'm going to close this post out with a rundown of the top four games of Tecmo I've played in my life. I know a list within a list is a new apex for my lack of creativity and re-affirms my disinterest in transition sentences and writing coherent, cohesive paragraphs, or cause some shift in the space time continuum, which could cause the earth and moon to collide into each other, but I'm willing to take that risk. On to the list.

#4: Stephone Paige Goes Crazy: My friend Bill is the only person I know who is my equal in Tecmo Super Bowl, (o.k. I'm exaggerating, I'm slightly better but we're splitting hairs here). Anyways when we found out about our mutual affinity for the game we immediately engaged in some good natured trash talking before we played our initial game against one another. Bill, being an amateur, insisted on a warm up game because he hadn't picked up the sticks in a couple of years. I grudgingly agreed to this match up and picked Kansas City mainly because its always fun to run over guys with Christian Okoye. However on my first play I picked a pass expecting Bill to guard against Okoye's power and select a run play. I snapped the ball and Shit! Bill picked this play and his whole front seven is coming at Steve DeBerg. Since I'm such a friggin' gunslinger and refused to take a sack I tried to zip the pass into double coverage and immediately regretted the decision, until Stephone Paige dove in front of both defenders and made the catch. Bill yelpped in disbelief and I sighed in relief. Next play same thing, Bill's defense does a jailbreak, DeBerg throws into coverage, Paige dives and catches, Bill becomes outraged and I sense something special happening. Sure enough Paige played out of his mind the whole game. Everything I threw his way he caught. He snared cut screen jump balls against defenders, and at one point, to really rub salt into Bill's wounds, I ran to the back of the end zone and threw a 110 yard bomb to Paige who leaped into the air snagging the ball while crossing the plane for the touchdown. By the end of the game Paige had accrued 15 catches topped 300 yards and made numerous trips to the end zone, hands down the greatest offensive performance I've ever had against a respected opponent.

#3: Al Toon Saves the Day: I introduced my college room mate Mike to Tecmo our freshman year at the Michigan State dorms. While everyone else on our floor was cutting loose and beginning the debauchery and boozing that make up college life, my friend Mike was getting a crash course in the finer points of Tecmo Super Bowl. I figured the best way for him to learn was through frequent beat downs at my hands and if he ever got discouraged, taunting, goading and humiliating him until his competitive nature took over and he played again, (I know I'm going to make a wonderful father, Marv Marinovich is going to be jealous). Mike got progressively better but never could get over the hurdle of beating me, until one day I was playing with the New York Jets against the Lions. I was losing 14-3 with about 1:45 left in the game and Mike was becoming giddy at the possibility of finally winning a game. That's when I took a Freeman McNeil screen pass about 50 yards for a TD making it 14-10, needing an onside kick and score to win and things were looking bleak. I recovered the onside kick with time for a single play. I snapped the ball, dropped back with Ken O'Brien and watched Al Toon streak for the end zone, lofted the pass and watched Toon leap. catch the ball and land on the five, where I was immediately tied up with Ray Crockett. Mike and I furiously tapped the A button and I shucked Crockett and ran for the end zone only to be tackled from behind as the ball crossed the plane, Touchdown J-E-T-S Jets! Jets! Jets! I jumped in the air to celebrate and immediately had the wind knocked out of me. See, Mike didnt take this loss to well and decided to time a right cross to my xiphoid process, knocking the wind out of me. I fell to the ground and Mike jumped on my back holding me down and working over my kidneys with a series of punches. I was desperate and out of breath so I used the one thing I learned from Jackie Chan movies (other than the finer points of calculus) and utilized the closest object available to defend myself. I blindly grasped about with my free hand for something, anything. A box of Kleenex? Too light. What's this? A full box of Capri Sun, that'll do. I grabbed it and flung it backwards towards Mike and heard it connect, then a howl reminiscent of a dying werewolf turning back into his naked human form. I had struck Mike in the face leaving him groggy, slightly bloody, and most importantly still a loser.

#2: Mike's Revenge: Over the four years Mike and I lived together he vastly improved in Tecmo, and became my equal, (honestly, turning Mike into a great Tecmo player is my proudest achievement from college) and eventually avenged his defeat at the hands of Al Toon several times. The most memorable being a game between his Lions and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. This game went into overtime and I received the ball and began my drive towards victory moving within the Lions twenty. This is where I let my arrogance get in the way and I decided to score a touchdown to win instead of kicking the field goal. I picked a passing play and snapped the ball. However Mike had picked my play and Vinny Testaverde was getting rushed from all directions but was nimble enough to roll out and avoid the sack. Everyone downfield was wide open and I scrolled through my options before selecting Gary Anderson to throw to. Problem was Anderson had been wiped out during the blitz and was laying on the ground ten yards behind the play. This resulted in Vinny turning around 180 degrees and throwing into a pack of juiced up blitzing Lions, and into the waiting hands of Dan Owens. I was stunned, Mike was stunned and there was nothing I could do but watch as Owens sprinted 80 yards the other direction, protected by the other Lions defenders who were laying waste to everyone in their path, for the deciding touchdown.

#1: David Fulcher: Fulcher was a safety for the Cincinnati Bengals and is the single most dominant player on the game. I will not argue this point either, I don't care about Jerry Rice, Lawrence Taylor, Babe Laufenberg....wait he sucks anyways. Even Fulcher's Wikipedia page has a small section devoted to his prowess on the game, and I could probably come up with a Top 5 most memorable David Fulcher moments list if I wanted too, but I won't punish you readers with that. Anyways the one defining Fulcher game, which is still talked about in hushed tones amongst my friends and I, is the game in which Fulcher intercepted seven John Elway passes in one game, returning one of them for a touchdown. Mike had selected the Broncos thinking Elway's strong passing arm would neutralize Fulcher's closing speed, a theory that seemed sound in reasoning, but proved fatal in execution (that sounded like something you would hear on the History Channel special about Operation Barbarossa before a commercial break, but I digress). The game started with Fulcher intercepting a pass intended for Clarence Kay at about the Denver 15 and running it in for an easy six, and that ended up being the highlight of the game for Elway, because it was the only time he would see a pass of his make its way to the end zone. By the time the game had finished Mike was scared to death to throw the ball with Elway as Fulcher was flying around the field snaring everything Elway dared put in the air leading Mike to continually pitch it to poor Bobby Humphrey who was pounded into submission by Carl Zander, James Francis & Co. For the game Mike ended up throwing more interceptions than he had total yards, and the Broncos were completely discredited as a team worthy of playing with. Only David Fulcher could single handedly ruin a Hall Of Fame quaterbacks career and leave an entire franchise in shambles.

Well, there are my top Tecmo memories, I would love to hear any other similar stories in the comments or through email, tettletonoverpass@yahoo.com.

Andrew Stout's Top 5 Underrated Hot Women

In a previous post I wrote that making top (insert number) lists and handing out grades are the two most overused, gimmicky ideas for a column/post and are used primarily by alcoholic, disenchanted, lazy, uncreative writers who are obviously mailing it in before some deadline and hoping to make it to happy hour before the guy who brings the karaoke machine shows up and steals the affection of the desperate 40 year old bar flies the writer strives after. I'm not naming names here, (Mike O'Hara, Danny Knobler, Tom Kowalski, the entire Detroit Free Press sports section), I'm just concerned that I've fallen into the same trap, and if you need evidence just scroll through my last 2 months worth of postings, and you'll see what I'm talking about, go ahead, I'll wait 10 seconds until your back......no rush.....See what I mean? I've got Top 5 Favorite/Least Favorite Tigers, Grades for the Pistons, and my only post that doesn't fall into that category doesn't even pertain to sports. Normally an introductory paragraph like this would crescent into me swearing off the gimmicky ideas and vowing to write more coherent and creative posts...or so you would think. Instead, I'm going to do one worse and write a Top 5 list about things not pertaining to sports. Wait, why is everyone leaving, you can't go anywhere, that back button on your browser is just painted on, go ahead and click it......hello?

Enough nonsense, this post is pretty self explanatory, with one minor caveat, I deplore the word hot as a way to describe a woman, unless it has a qualifier in front of it, i.e. "retarded hot", but I believe standing alone "hot" is a banal, moronic and slightly demeaning adjective. So why did I use it in the title for this post? Because I couldn't come up with a synonym that didn't sound creepy and or old fashioned, like something Mr. Burns would say. But this should be no surprise as anyone who knows me, knows that even though I'm only 23 I'm pretty old fashioned in my, uhhh......, sensibilities. For example I wish I could ride a penny-farthing to the local box social and discuss with the bourgeoisie how my father conscripted a poor "labourer" into taking my enlistment in the Union, and then act surprised when its announced that I'm the "Gentlemen of the Season", as girls bat their eyes and wave fans......but I was born about 150 years to late for that. Also this list won't contain the obvious, there will be no mention of Angelina Jolie, Mandy Moore, Sophia Bush, or Estelle Getty, (although in full disclosure had I made such a list spots 1, 2, and 3 would go to Kate Beckinsale). It will, however, feature women from across time, and in one case medium. These are just five women who for reasons unbeknownst to even myself, I've been drawn too, and I don't mean that in a creepy stalker kind of way.....mostly. On to the list!

5: Moira Quirk: When I was growing up, the only shows that mattered after coming home from school were the Nickelodeon game shows, American Gladiators and syndicated episodes of Empty Nest....well not so much the latter, but everything else could go to hell. The Nickelodeon game shows consisted of Nick Arcade, Finders Keepers, and Double Dare, and they were all pretty entertaining save for that creepy Harvey guy who was the announcer for seemingly every one of these shows. Harvey looked more like the kind of guy that would be circling the playground in a van with the windows covered by leopard print curtains than someone who should be co-hosting a children's show, but I digress. Everything changed in 1992 with the debut of the show GUTS. GUTS was pretty much a scaled down, children's version of American Gladiators, which means it essentially rocked my nine-year old face off, repeatedly. The part of the show that made it infinitely more entertaining for me was the presence of Mo, the referee/co-host with the British accent. I don't know if it was the beginning of changes for me (I don't know anything about children and the ages they start functioning, I'm genuinely startled when I hear a 7 year old talk), but for the first time in my life I was attracted to a "celebrity", and would anticipate the moments Mo was on the screem more than the race up the Aggro-Crag. Mo also began my lifelong infatuation with British accents, and I imagined Mo saying really generic British sayings, such as yelling out "What's all this then, right?" when she got pissed at me and I would just melt and go "Awww, I'm sorry, lets go buy purses." Recently I saw a repeat of GUTS for the first time in over a decade on Nick GAS and was excited to see what Mo looked like now that I had grown up. I waited through Mike O'Malley's babblings, (I was jealous of him when the show first came on) and when Mo finally appeared on the screen before the first event I was......eh. She was alright, but I could see how the only other person who thought she was hot when I was nine was my friend Greg who became a gay vampire, (his words, not mine), later in life......wait whats that say about me?

4: Erin E-Surance: This is easily the strangest entry on this list, because for one, she's not a real human, and, well I don't even need a two, because the first reason stands alone in its creepiness. This attraction to a car commercial cartoon has drove every girl I've been around crazy and made them re-evaluate if they want to continue to be around someone who would leer at a fictitious comic book character that is trying to sell car insurance. In my defense whats not to like? The pink hair shows shes probably into the same music as me, there is a commercial where she plays basketball, so we share a love of sports, and during the day she wears glasses, so she has to be smart and we could sit around and talk about important, topical things over dinner. See, I told you it made sense Candace, so why do you keep blocking my calls! Wait, I can read that......they can read that....disregard that last sentence please.

3: Mid-70's Linda Ronstadt: Wow those last two postings spiraled out of control and I fear Ive revealed things about myself, to you the reader, that I didnt even know, but moving on. # 3 is the person on this list that I've probably come the closest to physical contact with....in a round about, vicarious, sort of way, similar to my contact with every other woman. You're probably asking, "What the hell are you talking about Andrew you weren't even born until 1983 how could you have met mid-70's Linda Ronstandt?" Let me explain. A few weeks ago I was having a variety of GI health problems that led to me visiting a series of doctors to find the source of the ailment. While going to the doctor I was subjected to a "test" that every man NOT named Mr. Slave fears. I was informed ahead of time about the exam and, after debating throwing my self out the window and fleeing to Canada, decided to accept my fate. So I laid on my side and tried to focus on something...anything, to distract me. But my options were limited in the sterile, boring doctors office, except for the music being piped into the room, "Different Drum". With the doctor looming over my shoulder I tried hard to focus on the song and commit the lyrics to memory. Unfortunately doing this made the song get stuck in my head for days, and not wanting to constantly relive this painful, emabarrasing and shameful moment, decided to listen to the song as a way of deleting/repressing it from my mind (this works for me). While looking the song up online I stumbled across a young Linda Ronstandt and was struck by how pretty she was, as I had never recalled seeing a photo of her outside of the Simpsons drawing from the Mr. Plow episode. So thats how she makes the list. Questions? Yes, in the back. "Umm, the physical contact you alluded to earlier was really a doctor sticking his finger in your nether regions....uhh....are you gay?" Huh?....I don't...know.....anymore.

2: Elizabeth Vargas: Elizabeth Vargas was the short lived host of ABC's evening newscast in the time between the death of the immortal Peter Jennings, (wait thats a contradiction, forget it I'm leaving it in anyways) and the cheesy Charlie Gibson. Normally I eschew the nightly news because I'm too young and hip to get my news at 6:30 on T.V., I mean what is this the 1960's, 90% of the stuff that happens during the day I've already seen online, processed, regurgitated and moved on before 6:30. However the one exception was the short period in which Elizabeth Vargas hosted the ABC newscast. Nearly every night that summer I tuned in and, most of the time, I couldnt tell you what the stories were about. They were just filler between the time Elizabeth Vargas was on the screen, and when she was reassigned to make room for that ass Charlie Gibson I was outraged. Here was someone who actually appealed to younger male viewers and she was pushed out because old men, like my Grandpa, couldn't stomach the fact that a woman, a Hispanic woman! was ruining their news. To this day I'm hostile towards Gibson's mere presence on the screen whenever I accidentally go past the news at 6:30. Vargas would have occupied the top spot on this list until I recently found out she was married to Marc Cohn the man responsible for what is quite possibly my least favorite song of all time, "Walking in Memphis". I was so disappointed in the fact that she would be into emotional songwriting types, who would cry at their son's piano recital, I hate those guys. I don't have any emotions and if I was at the piano recital I would be wondering why he wasn't out looking for a job. I don't care if he's 10, factories would pay a lot of money to have those little fingers cleaning machines.

1: Stacy London: The co-host of TLC's "What Not to Wear" ......(sigh). What is it about Stacy London that I like, what makes her grab this coveted top spot on a list created by a lonely law student in his Detroit apartment at 3:15 in the morning, (because she WOULD care)? The first thing about Stacy is obviously her style. I have none, and I need help, I'm strictly a t-shirt (usually an animal, or an animal eating another animal, standard stuff) and jeans, and if I'm feeling really saucy...khakis. That's it. I need help with this kind of stuff, a way to look clean and not lazy and disheveled, and who better to help me navigate through the fashion terrain than a person with their own fashion show. Also I love her acerbic sense of humor, and the biting, catty remarks she makes to guests on the show. I have the same sense of humor and my perfect date with a girl, any girl, would be sitting on a bench, people watching and belittling strangers with cutting remarks after they were out of an earshot, because I'm just such a charming man. I also like the fact that she has such a polarizing effect on other women. Every girl I talk to thinks she's a snobby, cold hearted, mean spirited squaw, incapable of feeling. Even my sister couldn't believe I liked Stacy London, and when she showed me a picture of her online my sister said they should have called the show "How Not to Smile." Oh well, different strokes for different folks, I guess.

There's your list now that I've re-read it I have to go re-evaluate a series of things in my life but NOT my sexuality.........of course.....(nervous laughter).

My Top 5: Favorite Tigers

In lieu of starting this semester off on the right foot and getting a head start on the thousands of pages of reading that will be assigned over the course of the next thirteen weeks I'm going to write a post that I've been meaning to get to since I started this site but have neglected due to sheer laziness. I'm going to count down my five favorite players ever to don the Olde English D. This list is not based on performance, character, standing in the community or any other rational basis of judgment but rather a completely arbitrary decision by me, where something as small as a fleeting glance or a bat of the eyelashes means as much as a powerful homerun or overwhelming fastball. This list could just as likely include Raul Casanova (not bloody likely) as much as it would Cecil Fielder. I'll try to keep the sappy sentimentality crap to a minimum because I am an emotionless robot confused and irritated by this feeling you call "love". Enough...........on to the list.

Honorable mention: Rob Deer, Nook Logan: Deer almost makes the list for obvious reasons. 1: The absolute apex of the white trash look for baseball players (rivaled only by fellow Tiger Dan Gladden) with his mullet flowing from under his batting helmet and his infamous wispy moustache that made women swoon and bloggers name their sites after it. 2: He harkens back to the simpler times before sabermetric robots like Rob Neyer made stats like OBP important, and guys like Deer and Steve Balboni could justify their .192 BA's and 180 K's w/ 25 homeruns and be considered power threats instead of swirling black vortexes of lineup production, (sigh).

Logan would have had real chance of cracking the top 3 had his stay in Detroit lasted longer then half a season. I loved how fast he was around the bases, how he broke his hat off as far as possible, the bunt singles, his name, his laid back demeanor, everything. Also his robbing two homers in a game against the Orioles might be my most memorable and enjoyable Tigers moment ever before last season's playoff run. He's already my favorite Washington National, (sorry Mathew LeCroy) and if you read any of my blog entries from two years ago you'll see why I now have to stay 500 feet away from Nook at all times.

5: Deivi Cruz: During the 1999, 2000 seasons I would argue passionately with anyone who would listen, (my dog, my grandfather, a parrot, etc.) that Deivi Cruz deserved to be mentioned in the same breath as the other elite A.L. shortstops of the time (A-Rod, Jeter, Nomar, and Tejada), a position that was completely indefensible and insane, but I stood by it. I always thought he looked as though he was made out of plastic like a Starting Lineup and his rigid movement seemed to support this belief as he was a machine at grounding into double plays and had a range at shortstop that was one step to his right and zero steps to his left. A friend of a friend of mind nicknamed him "Shufflebutt", which I thought was the most appropriate nickname for any athlete.........ever. I was beside myself when the Tigers non-tendered him and let him walk as a free agent believing he would turn into the next Luis Gonzalez as a former Tiger who flourished after leaving Detroit, and as in many instances when I let my emotions get in the way I was dead wrong. Regardless I enjoyed the Deivi era enough for him to crack number 5 on the list.

4: Steve Sparks: I remember when Sparks came out of nowhere in a rather forgettable 2000 season as a 34 year old journeyman knuckleballer to go 5-1 in the month of August which was good enough to establish himself as the de facto "ace" of the staff. Sparks had the kind of persona that one would envision a journeyman knuckleballer to have, a kind of laid back, sarcastic sense of humor, (unlike that womanizing, alcoholic prick Hoyt Wilhelm) with a "I can't believe I'm pitching in the big leagues with a fastball that wouldn't break a pane of glass" giddyness. He also scored bonus points for nearly ending his career by injuring his shoulder while trying to rip a phone book in half, a feat of stupidity that sounds like something my roommate and I would try in a fit of late night boredom. After he signed an extension to stay in Detroit I seriously considered buying an authentic Steve Sparks jersey but didn't because apparently purchasing jerseys involves a monetary transaction, which was beyond my means at the time, and was fortuitous as Sparks struggled and was eventually released.

3: Curtis Granderson: He's quickly moving his way up the list and if he has a few more stellar seasons could pose a real threat to knock off the long reigning No: 1. I wanted to hate Granderson this season because I thought he usurped the centerfield position from the aforementioned Nook Logan. However Granderson was stellar from the start and Nook slowly faded from my memory leading to the inevitable emotional demise of me and Nook's relationship, (you knew what this was Nook). I like Granderson's style, personality, and he seems like a guy I could hang out with and go to Talib Kweli concerts in a vain attempt to not look like a nerdy white guy. As the season progressed I found myself doodling his name on my book covers, signing documents as Mrs. Andrew Granderson, and hanging pictures of him in my locker, and one day he actually said my name when I was outside his apartment, either that or "Hey you behind the bushes", whatever.

2: Matt Anderson: Anderson may be one of the biggest draft busts ever but he comes in at No. 2 on this list. The thing I like most about Anderson was his style, (like I said this list isnt based on any important facts/statistics), if I were a baseball player I would probably have a similar style to Anderson, ill fitting jersey from being tall and insanely skinny, with a three quarter length sleeve cutoff sweatshirt underneath, long hair, lackadaisical approach, (it's never a good sign when a closer has the same reaction to a 100mph strikeout as he does a walk off grand slam), although I might have slightly more movement on my fastball, ( this may be true because I have grotesquely long fingers, like a mortician in a Disney cartoon, if only I could throw hard, locate and develop a second pitch I would be thhiiiiiiisssssssss close). Also for the past five years I've wore my hair long and it's because of Anderson. In the summer of 2001 I vowed not to cut my long, flowing, beautiful locks until the next time Anderson blew a save, which I figured would be a matter of hours if not minutes. Of course he didnt blow a save until late September by which time I looked like disheveled homeless man, a look that I still wear to this day to as much success with women as Anderson was having in the Mexican Slo-Pitch Softball League this past season.

1: Mickey Tettleton: No one person had a bigger influence on my childhood then Mickey Tettleton. I was completely obsessed with him and emulated his mannerisms as much as I could. Froot Loops became my breakfast cereal of choice, I held my bat at hip level much to the consternation of my Little League coaches, I played catcher, was snubbed by the Little League All-Star team and exclusively chewed Red Man Brand Tobacco in 3rd grade. I developed an immense hatred for Chad Kreuter that continues to this day, sent Tettleton autograph requests on a daily basis none of which he ever returned, but that still wasn't enough to dissuade me from liking him. I still own nearly 10,000 of his baseball cards including this really creepy Leaf Studio card that frightened me so much I went and buried it in the back yard. Nearly fifteen years after he left I can still recall all of his statistics and when I decided to start this blog two seasons ago there was no question about who it would be named after. So there you have it you didn't ask for it but you received it.

Top Five Sports Video Game Countdown # 2

I was s'posed ta have a ticket to see tonight's Detroit-Baltimore game at Comerica but the guy that we bought the tickets from ripped us off and never showed with the tickets. Naturally the Tigers went on to score 17 runs in one of the most lopsided defeats in Comerica's history. It's for the best, however, as with the way my luck has been going and with my uncanny ability to jinx every sporting event I attend, the game probably would have been a 1-0 Baltimore win and over in about an 1 hour and fifteen minutes. We ended up missing the entire game as, after getting shut out from the game, we headed back to my friend Matt's place and watched "The Inside Man" (which sucked, but maybe I was predisposed to not liking it based on the events of the evening up to that point) because he didn't have cable to tune in the game. So now it's a little after 3 A.M. and I'm writing this as I'm watching the replay on FSN at my apartment. To help kill time between the scoring outbursts I decided to pick up with my video game countdown that I started nearly a month ago. Also I haven't had an original idea since I started back at law school around the same time and am using this countdown as an excuse to continue not to think. So without further adieu..........# 2 (oh crap I only get to write one more of these posts.......time to start thinking again.)

# 2 R.B.I. Baseball (NES, that's Nintendo Entertainment System for all of you dorks.......yeah, (whimper))

Last summer, a time when this blog was still in its pink, slimy, infancy and I wasn't sure what the hell I was writing about with topics ranging from a diatribe about why Patricia Heaton was responsible for everything that was wrong with America (seriously, if you want to lose all respect for me go read it.........What's that? You don't respect me now? Why....let me at him), to a 4 A.M. live-blogging of B.E.T. Un-Cut, to following another disappointing Tigers season, I attempted to break down each team and every player in R.B.I. Baseball and anyone who is a longtime reader of this site (I think that list begins and ends with myself) knows I have a hard time sticking to a task that demanding. I was putting in a couple of hours writing these breakdowns and getting only four page hits a day unlike now where after over a year of hard work I have increased my readership to a whopping 20 a day (Why do I do this again? That's right for you the fans.........Hello). Also I found out that there is a website called Dee-Nee which had already broken down the teams and is much more professional and in-depth than anything I could put together so I quit. Anyways I'm not going to do any in-depth analysis tonight, just a short post mostly bragging about my exploits against my friends while playing this game, namely Bill and Josh, so if they are reading I'm sorry...........that you guys suck so bad in R.B.I.

I never really played the original R.B.I. until about 7 or 8 years ago and it was my friend Josh who introduced me to it. Up to that point my friend Kevin and I played R.B.I. 3 roughly 3,680,147 times over the years pitching straight down the middle game after game after game after game...... which may have been the most mindless, IQ dropping activity imaginable and also actively contributed to neither of us having a girlfriend almost all the way through high school, (however if you mention not having a girlfriend to Kevin he would bristle and say something like "Maybe Andy didn't have a girlfriend but I had X amount, including so and so, who grew up to be way hot years after we dated." He's lying, I was there. The closest thing he had to a girlfriend was the few seconds in which my sister would dare to walk into the Nintendo room and make sure we were alive and that the smell coming from the room was only farts and not rotting corpses. So there. The game devolved into me playing small ball with the Cardinals against Kevin hitting tape measure shots, with the roided out Bash Brothers including a 490 foot Mark MGwire blast off Tom Niedenfuer that I'm still not ready to talk about.

Then Josh reluctantly introduced me to the original, which I had never really liked because of the fat players and it only 10 teams to chose from, but I agreed to play and selected the Cardinals, my team from R.B.I. 3, and was introduced to two names that would change my life forever (I know this is sad and I'm using a lot of parentheses) John Tudor and Danny Cox. No longer being neutered by having to pitch strictly down the middle Tudor and Cox unleashed the filthiest duo since the days of Koufax and Drysdale. After getting my brains beat in over the first few games I started to make some adjustments and mastered John Tudor's sweeping curveball and changing speeds enough to keep Josh and Boston's mashing lineup off balance. The offense came along slower but in a short while I was back to swiping bags with Vince Coleman and Ozzie Smith, legging out infield hits with Willie Magee, and getting the occasional bomb from Jack Clark. I was hooked. I also started to branch out and discovered that if Tudor/Cox was Koufax/Drysdale then Krukow/Reuschel were Johnson/Schilling and the Mets lineup was probably more potent than the '27 Yankees.

It wasn't until I played my friend Bill that I reached my peak as an R.B.I. player. The first time I played him I was genuinely disappointed that I didn't pitch a no-hitter. Bill took that as cocky boasting but it wasn't, it was the truth, I had reached the "I'm Keith Hernandez" moment while playing with a pixelated Keith Hernandez, and it nearly melted my brain. I would later put together a scoreless innings streak with Tudor and Cox which had me breathing down Orel Hershiser's neck before it finally ended in the 46th inning. I was genuinely upset over a scoring decision that charged Doc Gooden with a hit instead of a Danny Heep error ruining a perfect game, going so far as to blame it on a sympathetic hometown official scorer. Basically I was accusing a game that couldnt program African-American players of going out of its way to change a scoring decision in the home teams favor. I was insane and arrogant and I don't know why Bill continued to play against me, especially with the way I was handing him his ass every 15 minutes, but he did and eventually I cooled off and the games became competitive again. However I would go so far as to say that my 6 week stretch of nonstop R.B.I. playing was one of the best stretches by anyone playing any video game ever, and thats why R.B.I. Baseball for the NES holds such a lofty standing in the rankings.

Top Five Sports Video Game Countdown # 3

I apologize for the lack of posting, (not that anyone was complaining) but I've been swamped with reading since my return to school. I think I read Plessy v. Ferguson for the 1,758th time in my life last night and it still took me forever to get through it all. So tonight I'm going to return to my top five sports video game countdown eschewing all of the big mostly depressing news (Tigers tailspin, Dmitri Young release, pantsless Lions coaches) in favor of something lighter, so on with the countdown.

#3 Madden 2005 (PS2)

Madden is now in its 17th year as a sports video game franchise and is easily the most popular and successful series in the history of video games so picking the best one wasn't easy. I loved the Genesis version most notably for the late hits that would result in devastating injuries. I remember this one game I was playing against a friend, which also happened to be the computer (I was a very lonely child), and my friend had inserted Deion Sanders into the Falcons offense at a time when he was the fastest player in the game and completely unstoppable. Anyways I'm winning the game late by less then a touchdown, when my friend receives the ball and starts his drive. First play sweep to Deion gain of ten, Deion picks himself of the turf, when out of nowhere Antonio London comes and blindsides him 5 seconds after the whistle. POP!, "oh no there's a man down" Summerall solemnly says as "Neon" Deion lays prostrate by the first down marker, and my friend has to resort to the Erric Pegram, Jeff George, Bert Emanuel triumvirate. Game Over. Anyways the game became increasingly better with each new generation of systems, ranging from Genesis to Nintendo 64 to ultimately the ps2, with which it ultimately peaked with the release of Madden 2005.

The only thing I play on Madden, other then the occasional exhibition matchup against my friend (a real one now), is the Franchise mode, which I stupidly play with the Lions every season. That year the Lions didn't have the best overall rating, because they never do, but they arguably had the most potential at a time when Joey Harrington was still fooling people into thinking he was capable of becoming a competent quarterback, Charles Rogers coming off injury but still highly regarded, Boss Bailey being as fast as most wide receivers, and the addition of first round picks Roy Williams and Kevin Jones. By the third year of my Franchise I had all of the aforementioned guys up to a 99 overall, had shipped Harrington, whom I hated in real life to the point that it pained me to see a digital version of him succeed, to the Falcons for Michael Vick. This was easily the funnest team I had ever assembled and allowed me to shatter every record imaginable. Most sacks in a season, Boss Bailey obliterated Mark Gastineau's record by...... oh about 68 sacks. Single season rushing record broken by week 9. Most receptions in a season, shattered by each of my top three receivers. I plowed through season after season on my Franchise, much to the chagrin of my roommate Mike who didn't even like Madden raising suspicions about whether or not he was actually human. That fall was easily my least productive semester of college, which is coming from a person who played all 256 games of a Tecmo Super Bowl season TWICE my freshman year. Thinking back on it now I 'm not sure I actually went to class once during my four years at State, but I digress. Anyways here's my typical exchange with Mike that year.

Me: (walking in the door) Hey Mike let me play Madden.

Mike: O.k. but let me finish this episode of Becker/King of Queens/Suddenly Susan.

Me: (staring blankly)

Me: (blinking)

Mike: What? Wait......what are you doing....set me down.

Me: (lifting couch off ground and shaking Mike out the window)

Mike: (walking in the door from outside) Fine I'll go to bed because I'm a submissive little girl.

12 hours later.......

Me: Why is that star so bright, whats going on here?

Mike: (emerging from room with blindfold on (he actually wore those) What are you talking about that's the sun you jackass, you were up all night playing Madden again.

Actually there was usually a lot more shrieking over things like whose TV it was, which devolved into a 20 minute wrestling match with the loser being too tired to fight and just going to bed. Anyways I managed to play 17, yes 17, (17!!!!!!) seasons on my franchise that year playing through a whole career of each of the aforementioned guys and making poor Madden announce games into early 90's, which means they were probably keeping him alive with some sort of hyperbolic sleeping chamber. The last two Maddens have been equally good because they've pretty much released the 2005 version with updated rosters and limited new features, which I have no problem with and I'm sure I'll still be playing it 17 years from now.

Top Five Sports Video Game Countdown # 4

My Madden '07 playing has been curtailed lately due to a catastrophic injury I suffered when I burned my left thumb by inadvertently placing it on a piping hot George Foreman Grill. Burning your left thumb is the equivalent of a torn ACL when it comes to video game playing as its nearly impossible to control the direction of my players or effectively run the ball. So while recuperating I thought I would take the time to continue my countdown of the top 5 sports video game of all time. Continuing with...........

#4 PGA Tour Golf II Sega Genesis.

I know when I began this countdown I said I was only going to limit it to games from the major pro sports and not include fringe games dealing with beach volleyball, cliff diving, or martial arts tournaments being held in alternate universes, that being said I am going to include golf........grudgingly. Personally I hate golf.....loathe it. I've never been good at it and never cared enough about it to try to get better. The two things that hinder me the most while attempting to play golf are 1: a complete lack of coordination, and 2: an equally lacking sense of focus and concentration. My swing is an absolute nightmare to watch and my old roommate Mike, who owns/works at a golf course, has attempted to help me work on my swing in an attempt to help me embrace the game of golf but he usually quits in frustration after about five minutes. Even if I do get a halfway decent swing going, in the time between starting my backswing and making contact with the ball I'm already so bored with the game that I either top the ball/slice the hell out of it/or most commonly fail to make contact at all.

The only thing more boring then playing golf is watching it on television. 98% of professional golfers are 5'6 135 pound conservative, boring douchebags, the kind of people who would find Rick Reilly funny and would have no chance of playing any other sport with the possible exception of men's gymnastics or figure skating. The other 2% are foreigners ranging from the freakishly tall and boyish South Africans (Els, Goosen) to the obese and surly Englishmen (Montgomerie). So one might ask, if you hate golf so much how could you possibly enjoy a video game simulating golf? Because PGA Tour Golf II achieves the impossible, it actually makes the sport fun.

I was introduced to this game about ten years after it came out while playing it a friend of mines apartment. Like all games that make this list, the first time I played it quickly devolved into a 12 hour marathon that didn't end until after the sun had come up the next morning. The penultimate moment of that first marathon session was when my roommate Mike and friend Bill were wrapping up a 72 hole tournament, from which I had long been eliminated, and heading into the final hole tied. Mike had the honors and hit a full power shot down the middle of the fairway about 300 yards, which led to much bragging and yelling on Mike's part. Bill followed with a solid drive and they were both on the green in two shots facing long birdie putts. Mike lined up his putt from about 45 feet and places it within a few feet of the cup for an easy par and potential playoff. Bill then lined his putt up from about 42 feet out on a green that was going up and down and breaking right and left and stroked it. As soon as it left the putter you knew it was good and thats when Bill delivered this dagger to Mike's heart. With no change in emotion and in a voice calm enough to creep out Hannibal Lecter he said, "Drive for show, putt for dough." as the ball dropped into the cup on its final turn and as Mike sat there more stunned then Greg Norman at the 1997 Masters. Easily the greatest shit talking moment witnessed during my lifetime.

This game also gets major bonus points for helping get me through numerous classes while attending State thanks to the gift of emulation as well as featuring hints and tips on how to best approach the upcoming hole from horribly pixelated (?) images of golfers such as a confused looking Walrus named Craig Stadler a smug and satisfied Fred Couples and a completely irrelevant Tommy Armour III. They would always point out the most obvious things about the course such as, "watch out for the sandtraps to the right of the green" an area that encompassed nearly 3/4 of the screen, or "winds can make this whole tricky" as a hurricane force gale wind would be blowing across the course. The great gameplay and numerous other quirks are what makes PGA Tour Golf II the best golf game and # 4 sports game ever.

Top Five Sports Video Game Countdown # 5

I'm going to begin this post with another apology. I'm sorry for the lack of updates over the past week but I've been very busy with getting prepared for school, attending to birthdays, and my closest friend Kevin, whom I've known since I was 6, step-father passed away this week. All of these events made it nearly impossible for me to find the time to write a post, (also sleeping in until 3 P.M. and acquiring and watching the entire Simpsons Season 8 DVD's didn't help either.) and for this I apologize to the one person who reads this site.

Every red-blooded, virile, American male born since 1980 eagerly awaits with bated breath and sweaty palms for the end of August. Why? A hysterical woman might ask. For the Montrose, Michigan Annual Blueberry Festival? Certainly not. Rather the excitement is over the release of the latest installment of EA Sports Madden NFL Football. An event so magnificent that it nearly balances out the soul crushing experience of having to go back to school the following week. And if you can't relate to the reverential terms I'm using to describe the Madden series, well.....I just don't know who you are anymore. Anyways to honor/celebrate the release of the new Madden game and to shatter any idea that I have/had any semblance of a social life I'm going to count down my Top 5 favorite sports video games of all-time, (and to avoid talking about the suddenly free falling Tigers, but I'm not going to panic........ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod). I'm limiting this list to the major pro sports, so if you have an e-mail or comment about how great Ivan "Ironman" Stewarts Off-Road was or how I overlooked the brilliance of Kings of the Beach save it. So without further adieu The List.

#5 NHLPA '93 Sega Genesis

My first memory of playing NHL '93 was when I was ten years old and staying the night at my friend Greg's house. Greg's stepdad had made the trip to the local video store and rented a game to prevent a couple of energetic ten year olds from interfering with his plans of getting blind drunk and watching Mrs. Doubtfire. Needless to say it worked as Greg and I played the game for the next 12 hours matching the Detroit Red Wings v. The Chicago Blackhawks in a best of 165 series. To say that this was a transcendent game, which appealed to everyone regardless of race, gender, religion or sexual orientation would be a gross understatement. For example my friend Greg, whom I spent my first several hours playing this game with grew up to be a homosexual Wiccan, (I only wish I were joking about that), and when I've run into him over the years during......... I mean between, rave party orgies and brushing up on his Book of Shadows studies, he still talks about the game in hushed tones.

Anyways enough about my introduction to the brilliance of NHL '93, the key question is what made the game so great and since I'm no good at writing transition sentences, I'm going to list them numerically beginning with.......

1: The opening music which was so shrill and grating that it made your ears bleed and you were forced to listen to it for at least 10 seconds as the game scrolled through a list of programmers and producers. It's impossible to describe how horrendous this music was but I'll try. Imagine if John Tesh's magnificent NBA on NBC theme was played by deaf retarded chimps on synthesizers, and produced by Satan, Pol Pot, and Ty Cobb, then multiply that by 100x and your almost there.

2: The unstoppable force of Jeremy Roenick. Some guys are so ridiculously good in a video game that playing with them isnt even a challenge, such as Michael Vick in any Madden game, Terry Pendelton in RBI '93 and David Fulcher in Tecmo Super Bowl. Jeremy Roenick is better than all of them. He's nearly impossible to knock down, lays devastating checks, is the fastest guy on the game, and if you really make him mad he'll beat the hell out of you. He was so devastating that my friends imposed a temporary ban on the Blackhawks to keep the game competitive.

3: The Deke Move. Approach the goal hit left right left and plant the puck top shelf. My friend T.J. has mastered this move to a point that elite goalies like Ed Belfour and Patrick Roy look like run of the mill Peter Sidorkiewiczs'. The one man in Saskatoon with internet access is nodding his head knowingly at that last statement.

4. Fighting and blood on the ice. The NHL didn't approve of this aspect of the game and it disappeared from the NHL series for the next several years even though it was arguably the most exciting part of the game. My friends and I have vivid memories of some of the most classic fights including the complete destruction of Bob Probert (played by my friend Kevin) at the hands of Bob Bassen (me) a fight that quickly turned into the final scene of Rocky IV and had real life implications cementing my friend Kevin's status as a pretty boy. The fighting also allowed the player to administer some frontier justice as nothing was more satisfying than seeing Theo Fleury sliding on his back towards the boards as blood spilled out of his skull, especially after he had lit you up for a triple hat trick and you were losing 11-3 and you were so goddamn frustrated that you thought your head was going to EXP........ok, ok I'm calmed down.