The Authoritative Detroit Tigers Season Preview Vol: 1

While sitting in my Con Law class today I felt a sharp pang in my stomach. My first instinct was "I'm never eating Chicken Shawarma again god dammit," but after a moment I realized this wasnt the side effect of indulging in some Middle Eastern food yesterday but was the need for me to write a season preview for the Detroit Tigers. This guide has nothing to do with sabermetrics, so if you are a robot and your name is Rob Neyer and you want to replace everything that makes baseball fun and interesting with a cold objective analysis of the game, just stop reading right now because this post will not be for you. Seriously though I know nothing about sabermetrics and thats because I loathe math and given the chance I'd punch Euclid of Alexandria in the mouth and smash up his geometric tablets....but I digress. Also there will be times I'm sure when this preview will read like schizophrenic word salad but thats because I'm crazy for baseball (I also suffer other various forms of mental illness). But enough with introductions it's time to present your 2006 Tigers.

Owner: Mike Ilitch. I like Ilitch, sure he may be a crappy baseball team owner, but being a college student I appreciate the way he revolutionized the low end pizza market by introducing the five dollar Hot and Ready pizza. Sure it's the most processed food this side of Smore flavored Pop-Tarts but its affordable and I dont have much money...it's like I found my soul mate. Although I am keeping the old boxes on top of my fridge so when I'm found dead after having a stroke they'll know what caused it. I wish I could see my death certificate just to see: Cause of Death: Little Caesers. Anyways Ilitch has vowed to get more involved because nothing lights a fire under an owner like Death's cold icy hands approaching you (Ilitch will be 77 this July), and he's recently upped payroll and spent money to improve the whole teams infrastrucure, because he doesnt want to be remembered as the worst owner in Tigers history, so I'm going to enjoy this before he becomes senile authorizes signing Todd Jones to a two year deal...........Oh no.

Manager: Jim Leyland. Like I've said before I like Leyland because he looks like a friendly chain smoking janitor. I also like the fact that he filled his staff with early 90's Pirates: Andy Van Slyke, Don Slaught, and Lloyd McLendon. The only exception was pitching coach where the Tigers hired Chuck Hernandez. What the hell Leyland, you're telling me Zane Smith isnt available for that job.....John Smiley....anybody.

Players:

Ivan Rodriguez: I think Pudge will have a bounce back season this year after using last season getting adjusted to not being able to use steroids anymore..... Whoops. I think Pudge will try to prove he's not finished, or beginning to go into that precipitous decline that hits catchers around his age, and have a solid season of doing Pudge things, and if Leyland is as good at keeping the clubhouse in check as he's supposed to be I don't think Pudge will be allowed to be the petulant little baby he reportedly was for most of last season, especially after the team traded his completely insane, gun-toting, torturer, best friend Ugie Urbina last year.

Vance Wilson: What the hell is he doing back. I love Vance and his BluBlockers, but doesnt he realize Detroit is where backup catchers go to die? Mitch Meluskey, A.J. Hinch, Matt Walbeck, Mike DiFelice, are all buried underneath the Tigers old bullpen....and thats just in the last 4 years. Congratulation Vance, now could you try to hit better then .197......thanks.

Chris Shelton: I'm intrigued by Shelton and guarantee I'm going to draft him about 5 rounds to early in my fantasy baseball draft Monday night. (Note: Last year I did this with Oliver Perez and....well you know how that turned out.) I still believe that Shelton looks like he should be an overzealous sales rep at Best Buy telling me the XBOX 360 is the most overrated console since 3DO, rather than a professional baseball player, and nothing beats the crowd reaction when they show his face on the 100 foot scoreboard before his first at bat, the gasps from people unprepared for such an event resounds throughout the stadium as though they had just seen The Phanton of the Opera, but all I care about is if he hits .300 with 25 homers and 90 RBI's.

Carlos Pena: I'm not going to spend much time on Pena because he might not be with the team by the time I finish this post. But I will say he has the most Luis Gonzalez "Holy crap I can't believe the Tigers gave up on this guy" potential....and that scares me. However I don't think the Tigers can afford to waste time on him anymore.

Placido Polanco: I like Polanco, but I'll never be able to get over the shape of his head. It appears in my nightmares, and I think I'm the only one who is noticing it's expanding, until one day it cracks open and a little alien falls out, a la The Head from that old MTV cartoon. Hopefully it doesnt happen this season, because I dont like the idea of Omar Infante playing everyday again. The two best examples I can think of to describe Polanco's head, and I wish I could take credit for thinking these up, are 1: His head is actually a Milk Dud and, 2: He is storing food in his cranium like a hamster.

Carlos Guillen: If he's healthy he's in the second tier of shortstops in all of MLB. However thats a big if. Since he's been in the Big Leagues he's torn his ACL, contracted TB from Jane Austen, broken his hip, suffered leprosy, the Bubonic Plague and battled Hysterical Pregnancy. Here's hoping to a healthy season and a .315 average 15 homeruns and solid D.

Brandon Inge: I can't believe he is the longest tenured Tiger. He looks 16. I hope he can continue to steadily improve this season, avoid a second half collapse, and become a more consistent defensive player. He makes some spectacular plays and then kicks around some of the most basic, although Im not sure there are basic plays at a position where the ball screams at you at 100 MPH from 90 feet away.

Omar Infante: I'm a little concerned that on the Tigers official website he's listed as the only backup for 2nd base, SS and 3rd base. It just seems like its spread a little thin. Can't they sign Craig Paquette again.... I think he owes us money still after his pathetic tenure in Detroit. Anyways Omar seems like he was hurt from being rushed through the system and comes in a close second to Pena in the "Holy Crap" potential race.

The Meat Hook: The Hook always seems like a good guy, but I think last season started to wear on him. There is a certain shelf life when it comes to playing for the Tigers, usually after about five consecutive seasons, a player realizes "Oh my God, this team will never improve, I wasted my prime on a crappy team in a crappy city thats cold 10 months out of the year.", and they start pouting. It happened to Higginson, it happened to Juan Gonzalez in about 7 minutes, and it even broke Steve Sparks, arguably the most laid back, funniest guy to come through the organization in years. However instead of sulking Dmitri got motivated and dropped his weight down to a Jabba the Hutt-esque 900 pounds and I admire that kind of dedication. Hopefully this will keep him from being slowed by nagging injurues that have haunted him in the past and he'll post a solid season.

Craig Monroe: The Tigers gave him a decent one year deal this off season so he didnt feel the need to steal belts from Target anymore, which is good because God knows we have to fight that temptation everday. He also came back from having a breaking ball snap off about 8 inches right into his crotch last season against the White Sox. My friend T.J. is inexplicably in love with Monroe, which makes me not want to like him, but I can't resist.

Curtis Granderson: He's the front runner for the center field job over my favorite player Nook Logan, so I'm inclined to not like him emotionally. But my rational side lets me know that he really is the better player of the two and deserves the job. I also think he has 20/20 potential, from center field which the Tigers havent really had since Chester Lemon roamed the outfield at Tiger stadium. However I also remember feeling the same way about Kimera Bartee.

Magglio: I don't think Magglio will ever live up to his contract, but I hope he can at least give us a few solid seasons, maybe with a couple of 35 HR 100+ RBI seasons, Please (I know it's not happening but I can dream right) before turning into a DH. He battled so many injuries last season that I don't feel comfortable passing judgment on him yet, so I'm just hoping for the best, (how's that for analysis and you said I needed Sabermetrics...Ha).

Nook Logan: He is my favorite current Tiger and it's not even close. Hopefully he can make the team by living on Dmitri's shoulder talking shit, and eating scraps of food out of the Meat Hook's beard, hell he might actually gain weight. I've always had a soft spot for slap hitters who bat about .270 with no power and are disruptive as hell on the basepaths. He also gave me the highlight of last season, even more so then when Dmitri homered three times on opening day, when he robbed 2 homeruns in the same game against Baltimore. I remember watching the game at my house and jumping onto my couch after the second grab, and it's not often a Tigers game will make you do that. So it was devastating for me when I read in Danny Knobler's excellent Blog (seriously though, how many bodies are in Knoblers crawl space.....5, 10...my friends and I have been guessing at this for years) that the Tigers were seriously considering trading the modern day Otis Nixon before the season began. After reading it I wanted to tug on Nook's jersey and go "say it aint so Nook" but security got there first.

Alexis Thames: The battle for the last outfield spot is between Alexis Gomez and Marcus Thames, it really doesnt matter who wins this spot, although I'm rooting for Thames because it seems like the Tigers have been jobbing him the past couple of seasons and I think he deserves a chance, especially to provide a little pop off the bench, which this team is sorely lacking.

Another update

I managed to follow up my semi-successful first day of picking, with an abysmal 7-9 record on Friday, so I didnt bother making choices for the second round, mostly because I was rocking back and forth in the shower with a my crumpled up bracket in my hand bleeding the ink from my mistakes down the drain. (Thank You Kansas and Michigan State, nothing like seeing Paul Davis get owned by a bunch of 6'6 guys, to bad he's graduating I'll miss him.......) I know that last sentence made me sound like a whiny bitchass goth kid.....but thats only half right. Anyways, after 96 consecutive hours of watching tournament basketball I didn't have the energy to write anything sports related for at least a couple days, as just the mere thought of sports made me physically ill, along with the tapeworms coarsing through my duodenum.

But now my batteries are recharged and Im ready to go again. The big local sports story was that Joey Harrington was "vacationing" in Southeast Asia after it was highly recommended by his good friend Gary Glitter (Hey I've watched Dateline, I know what goes on in Bangkok), and he was expected to be released upon his return. The writing was on the wall when the Lions signed Josh McCown, which I was hoping they would do because Ive always been intrigued by him and I think/ hope that he'll flourish in Detroit. I'm going to hold off writing about Harrington until he's actually released because as Ive said before I think Harrington is really Jason Voorhees and I won't believe he's actually gone until he's beheaded. I'm just waiting for the season opener next year where the stadium will be full and then you'll hear, Ha-Ha-Hee-Hee-Cha-Cha-Cha-Cha, and he'll slowly be walking onto the field as everyone screams in terror, before Tommy Jarvis storms the field and takes care of business with a machete. In the meantime The Wayne Fontes Experience (which almost has as many letters in its name as this site, let's face it I am the John Vanbiesbrouck of Detroit area sports blogs) has been doing an excellent job of covering the demise of Joey Harrington.

The bigger story is that the Tigers are less then two weeks away from Opening day, and I am officially getting giddy. Just like Nascar (note I hate Nascar....loathe it, and never watch it) the Tigers biggest game of the Tigers season is the first one, and after that its all downhill until I stop paying attention in about mid September, and devote all of my false hope and energy into believeing this is the Lions year. Nevertheless I'm going to give my second annual Tigers season preview sometime between now and Opening Day.

Finally, because as I mentioned before I've become addicted to Atari, and feel the urge for some Space Invaders right now, I'd recommend checking out the blog TURN UP THE SUN, it's by a fellow Detroiter who has been writing for a while but is new to Blogger. It's mostly about music, sports and other happenings and its good stuff.

Tourney Picks Day 2

I've been on spring break for nearly a week now and my schedule is already completely out of whack. It's 3:30 in the morning and it feels like the middle of the afternoon for me. I've become reacquainted with the magnificent World News Now on ABC, which hasnt been the same since Anderson Cooper Juju Chang era ended a couple of years ago, but the show is still excellent late night television (although there are moments I want to crawl through the screen and punch Ron Corning in the nose.) I also dusted off the original Atari for some late night Asteroids ( I was distressed to find that I had lost my copy of Custer's Revenge.......). And now with nothing else to do I'm going to run through my Day 2 picks for the 1st round of the tourney. Yesterday I went 12-4, which is about average, and correctly guesse one of the upsets, UW-Milwaukee over Oklahoma, so we'll see how todays games turn out.

(2) Ohio State over (15) Davidson: Being from Michigan its in my blood to hate Ohio State, I hate Jimmy Jackson, Michael Redd, Scoonie Penn, and I especially hate Lawrence Funderburke........fucker. Regardless of my hatred for the Buckeyes I think they will beat Davidson, which has a kickass logo and hopefully makes Columbus sweat a little bit tomorrow.

(3) Iowa over (14) Northwestern State: I have always had a soft spot for unathletic, goony, white, Big Ten forwards dating back to former Pistons great and 12 time Purdue letterman (seriously he played for the Boilermakers for at least a decade) Brian Cardinal. I think Greg Brunner has proven worthy of carrying on the legacy.........get back in your hole Graham Brown, you upset me.

(9) Bucknell over (8) Arkansas: I know nothing about Bucknell outside of the campus being located in Kansas and their nickname being the Bisons. Did this prevent me from wagering on this game. Of course not.........go Bisons!!!

(9) Wisconsin over (8) Arizona: I have no idea who will win this game as Arizona was inconsistent all season, and Wisconsin can't win a game away from home, so I'm going with my Wisconsin Corollary here, not to be confused with the Roosevelt Corollary, and if another Wisconsin team lets me down this theory will go to the wayside along with my "I think Larry Foster could be a solid NFL receiver." statement.

(7) Georgetown over (10) Northern Iowa: I like Northern Iowa because they have someone who shares my surname: Stout. However Grant Stout alone is not enough for me to pick the Panthers over the Hoyas, although I think this game will be tight.

(11) Southern Illinois over (6) West Virginia: I like the Salukis and how they shut down teams with their stifling defense. I also like Kevin Pittsnogle, but I cant get over the game he had against Pitt earlier this season when he went 0-everything and fouled out, I just get the feeling he'll struggle again tomorrow.

(16) Oral Roberts over (1) Memphis: Ha, I was just seeing if you were still paying attention......or even reading, but seriously I think Memphis will roll in this game and in case you don't know who Oral Roberts is all you need to know is that he's completely insane.

(1) Villanova over (16) Monmouth and (1) UConn over (16) Albany....moving on.

(6) Michigan State over (11) George Mason: George Mason is a university named after the alleged "Father of the Bill of Rights," but everyone knows he just ripped the idea off of Willam Eustis and claimed it as his own. I don't see how Mason has a chance against the oldest cow college in the country which doubles as the alma mater of World's Sexiest Sports Blogger (translation: least troll-like and not morbidly obese): Andrew Stout, unless Tony Skinn suits up and goes on a nut punching rampage. Note: I do hate Paul Davis and his bitch face he bought from Cliff Robinson.

I'm just going to quickly run through the rest:

(12) Kent State over (5) Pitt: I love the MAC.....and apparently hate the Big East

(10) N.C. State over (7) Cal

(4) Kansas over (13) Bradley: I have Kansas in my Final Four, I also have the feeling my bracket is about to get busted by Bradley. Kansas in a close one

(3) North Carolina over (14) Murray State

(2) Texas over (15) Penn

(9) UAB over (8) Kentucky: I can't go against a team with a guy named Squeaky Johnson, also the guy responsible for the Lazy Tuesday abomination found on Deadspin told me to go fuck myself. LEACH! LEACH! LEACH! I just hope Patrick Sparxxx takes it easy on his asshole after tomorrow night.

Day 1 Picks cont.

Now for the late games......

(8) GW v. (9) UNC Wilmington: I like GW in this game. I think this is the most excited Ive been about a GW team since Yinka Dare was in the post and Mike Jarvis was patrolling the sidelines. I also think that GW will be a little bit rowdy about their low seed, considering they were 26-2 and undefeated in their conference play. I also think that GW will be pumped about the return of Pops Mensah Bonsu and will beat the Seahawks on what is will essentially be a home court game for UNC-Wilmington.

Once again I've procrastinated on updating this site so I'm just going to pick the winners of each game

(4) LSU over (13) Iona: Big Baby (not Shaun Rogers) goes crazy on the Gales as Louisiana exacts a little revenge on strong winds.....what's that, Iona is nicknamed the Gaels....what the hell is that? A Gaelic speaking person, you say....hmmm LSU still wins.

(3) Gonzaga over (14) Xavier: Ive always like the name Xavier, it was my French name for one semester in high school, before I became Jean-Jacques, and eventually shortened it to Jacques, but I'm going with Morrison who reminds me of a scuzzier Jack White......if thats possible.

(4) Illinois over (13) Air Force: Personally I dont think air Force is a joke, I kind of like Jeff Bzelick and think he kind of got screwed in Denver, but Illinois is to deep and tourney tested to lose this game.

(11) SDSU over (6) Indiana: Im going with the upset here and taking Steve Fisher (oh how I miss Steve Fisher......) and Olivier St. Jean over Indiana. I watched PTI the other day and I did not find Mike Davis to be a very sympathetic character. In fact I found him to be the total opposite, I thought he was rather whiny and arrogant, so I'm hoping he goes down in flames in the first round Bobby Knight style.

(1) Duke over (16) Southern: Duh....

(5) Syracuse over (12) Texas A&M: I think Syracuse didnt play out of their minds to win the Big East just to lose in the first round, so I think theyll win at least one game before bowing out .

(5) Washington over (1) Utah State: Nevada let me down today as Fazekas-mania will not be overtaking the country, so I'm hoping the whole conference goes down.

NCAA Tourney Picks Day 1

This is a quick rundown of my tourney picks, hours before tipoff, however it pales in comparison to the mammoth and kick ass tourney guide Deadspin has put out over the last two days.

Game 1: (7) Witchita State v. (10) Seton Hall: I like Withchita State in this game, mainly because there nickname is the Shockers. Is it something that you learn about before gym class in 8th grade? Yes. Is it still funny now that I'm in law school? Absolutely. Also I don't like Seton Hall this year for two main reasons 1: They didnt accept me to their law school (I wouldnt have went anyways.......) 2: They were a bubble team that might have taken a bid away from Michigan, who would have totally lit up Witchita State (probably not).

Game 2: (6) Oklahoma v. (11) UW Milwaukee: I smell an upset in this one. Every year it seems like the Wisconsin schools are tough outs for whatever reason, whether its the Badgers, Marquette, UW Milwaukee (watch out for UW Stout next year......) and I don't think this season will be any different. Sure Bruce Pearl and his muckraking self is sweating it up in the mountains but I still think this team will be dangerous. Also Ive never been a big fan of the Big 12 in college hoops and wouldnt be surprised if Oklahoma got bounced early.

Game 3: (4) BC v. (13) Pacific: I dont know much about Pacific (Do they still have the Kandi man?) but I have been to Stockton California and it's boring as hell, at least when your ten it is. Also I think BC went far into the tourney last year (this is the kind of in depth analysis you guys expect on this site I know), so the pick is BC.

Game 4: (3) Florida v. (14) S. Alabama: Billy Donovon teams are famous for having a tough time in the first round, but I don't even know the South Alabama nickname let alone one of their players so I'm going familiarity here and I'm a closet Yannick Noah fan. So I'm going with the Gators.

Game 5: (7) Marquette v. (10) Alabama: As I said earlier the people from Wisconsin do two things 1: Make cheese 2: Ball. Although Im a little distressed that there are not at least three Diener brothers on Marquette this season. Regardless I'm going with the Warriors....errr Gold.....is it Golden Eagles...fuck it ......moving on.

Game 6: (2) Tennessee v. (15) Winthrop: This seems to be a trendy upset pick but personally I don't see it happening. I think it will be close at half time and then Tennessee will begin to pull away as Bruce Pearl gives Gregg Marshall tips on how to get the hell out of Winthrop.

Game 7: (5) Nevada v (12) Montana: Trust me, by this time Monday morning Fazekas-mania will be spreading the country. Ive always liked Nevada after watching them bounce MSU from the tourney a couple a years ago while living in Hooverville-esque conditions in East Lansing (that's not a great Depression photo, its the Cedar Village apartment complex). I am torn though because I also love Larry Kryztrzotrwiak (thats not even close, but you know what its late). I always liked those Buck teams of the early 90's with the plethora of unathletic white guys, namely NBA Jam stud, Brad Lohaus, but I' still picking Nevada.

Game 8: (2) UCLA v. (15) Belmont: A friend of mine has picked Belmont to upset UCLA. The same friend was also high when he filled out his bracket. I'm going with the Bruins.

I'll be back with a preview of the 7:10 games later this afternoon. Here's hoping for another exciting NCAA tourney.

Lions Free Agent Signings Vol. I.

The NFL off season began this past weekend with a flurry of free agent signings. Some bad teams made a splash and signed some marquee free agents, such as Drew Brees in New Orleans, Edgerrin James to the Cardinals, and LeCharles Bentley to the Browns, in an effort to show their fan base that they are committed to winning. Others added role players to improve their teams depth or strengthen weaknesses or in the case of the Dophins aqcuire a quarterback in Culpepper that could take them from potential playoff team to a sleeper Super Bowl contender. On the other hand the Lions....err....well they are the Lions and here are a few observations from their first few offseason moves. With Grades!

1. The Lions signed "Baby Herman" from Who Framed Roger Rabbit to compete with Harrington for the starting quaterback job. Actually the Lions signed Jon Kitna, who always bore a striking resemblance to a big fat cigar smoking baby. I don't know what to make of this move. I like Kitna better then the other stinkbags the Lions were bringing in to compete for the job, especially Patrick Ramsey who is a less proven and potentially crappier version of Joey Harrington. On the other hand I was slightly intrigued by Josh McCown, but once I realized Id be subjected to "Tears of McCown" Bermanisms on NFL Primetime next year I'm glad we didnt sign him. I'm also a hell of a lot more relieved that the Lions won't be going into next season with Harrington/King/Orlovsky/Ware on their depth chart. On the other hand this signing isnt making me want rush out to buy season tickets.

Grade: B-

2. Signing Corey Bradford. Let's see the Lions signed a former Packer receiver who runs a 4.3 40, refuses to go over the middle and bobbles/drops a ton of passes. Hmm.....this sounds awfully familiar....hmmm.....where did I see this before? Oh my god we just signed Bill Schroeder again. At least the Lions won't have to rely on Bradford as much as they did on Schroeder, because among our current receivers, Roy Williams never gets hurt, Charles Rogers doesn't smoke weed all the time and Mike Williams doesnt suck....Nevermind, I'm sure he'll be starting by Week 3.

Grade: C

3. Re-signing Kalimba Edwards. I'm torn about this move. The positives with Kalimba are that he's young (26), fast, and has a kickass first name, he sounds like a character from the Lion King, I wonder if his midle name is Rafiki? Also Marinelli has a history of turning players like Kalimba into big time pass rushers, namely Simeon Rice. The negatives with Kalimba are that he's been injury prone, and he doesnt really have any pass rushing moves, as he seems to rely on his athleticism/quickness alone to get to the quarterback, I always trade him in the first season of my Madden franchise, and if someone gets their hands on him, he instantly becomes a non-factor. It also shows how weak of a free agent class it was this season when Kalimba was one of the top defensive ends available. I guess this also eliminates the rumblings that John Abraham and his .215 blood alcohol level won't be reuniting with Donnie Henderson in Detroit. Reports are that the Lions are going to spend the rest of their money to re-sign their own players, (theyve already done this with Backus and Drummond) because who wouldnt want to try recapture the magic that was the 2005 Lions season. (Fire Millen........Fire Millen.....)

Grade: B

Based on the first round of free agency I'm still down on the Lions. It's actually gotten to the point where I don't know if I'll use them for my franchise when I buy Madden 2007, and thats saying a lot, and sadly for me its the equivalent of breaking up with a long time girlfriend, because honestly I invest as much emotionally in my Madden franchise as I do most of my relationships.........moving on. It's not that I disagree with the moves it's just that I'm not excited by them and I was so disillusioned at the end of last season that I don't have the patience for these incremental improvements, especially with the devision shaping up to be the weakest in the NFL in years....possibly ever. The only way I think my attitude will change is if we draft an exciting defensive player (Michael Huff) this April, or make a run at one of the remaining game changing free agents (Lavar Arrington?).......oh who am I kidding, I know I'll be playing in Super Bowl XLI with Jon Kitna come August. God, I hate the Lions.

Longing for Brian Ellerbe

It appears as though Michigan might have played themselves out of the tournament today, with a loss in the first round of the Big Ten tournament to the Golden Gophers. At least we have a history of tearing up the NIT, so I guess I have that to look forward to. Some quick observations from todays game.

1: I'm down on Tommy Amaker right now, hence the title of this post. I'm sick of his turtle necks, I'm sick of hearing about what a nice guy he is, and I'm tired of these late season collapses that Michigan has suffered the last two seasons. I thought this was Michigan's best chance to get back in the tournament since they stopped paying their players but now it looks like they'll be on the outside looking in.......again. I also realize that this senior class has been hampered by injuries, and suspensions, since that promising sophmore season when they won the NIT, but part of their underachieving can be attributed to questionable coaching, and todays game was no exception. For example when they were down 7 with about two minutes to go in todays game, Amaker had Michigan still playing a zone defense, which allowed Minnesota to dribble nearly 30 seconds off the clock, when time was precious to Michigan. Even Steve Lavin was imploring Michigan to do some kind of trap/press to force a turnover, or a shot, or ANYTHING that might make Minnesotas give up possession, and/or stop the clock, and it's never a good thing when Steve Lavin is outcoaching you from the scorer's table. Later with a little over one minute left and Michigan having cut the lead down to 4, Chris Hunter missed the first of two three pointers he would heave up in the closing minutes. Why didn't Amkaer call a timeout and instruct his charges that they didn't need a three yet and there was still plenty of time left? Oh, because Michigan had already burned up all of their timeouts. So it was a miracle when Lester Abram took the initative to drive to the basket and get a quick two instead of panicking and jacking up an ill advised three. Even though Abrams ended up fouling out after a Minnesota player drew a charge, it was still refreshing to see that at least one guy on the team knew what the hell was going on and it wasnt even our head coach. I'm not saying they should fire Amaker or do anything reactionary if Michigan fails to get into the tourney.....I'm just saying I wouldnt be surprised if he turned into the next Quin Snyder.

2: I hate Courtney Sims. Was anything more predictable then him disappearing in what was arguably Michigan's biggest game of the year, when their NCAA tournmanent hopes were on the line? No, of course not. Can't Michigan pay someone to brainwash Sims into thinking he's playing Delaware State every night?

3: I love Brent Petway, and I like him even more now that he got the No. 23 shaved into his head. I just noticed this today, and he may have always had it and I was just to blind to see it, but it's great. I hope he get's the chance to have an NBA career similar to Kenny Walker, who inexplicably has his own ridiculous website, I think I was the first visitor ever.

4: Is anything more ridiculous then those Pride of the Program segment ESPN runs during their college basketball coverage. They always pick the most obscure schools, schools I didnt even know existed let alone have Division I college basketball teams. Also I know a lot of these small schools havent had much of a chance to get to an NCAA tournament or do anything of real significance, but some of the entries are pretty pathetic. The other night there was one for Slippery Rock University, (a school cleverly nicknamed The Rocks) and their Pride of the Program moment was knocking the Boston Terriers out of the conference tournament about five years ago. I just want to know what is needed to qualify as a Division I basketball school, if me and four of my friends got together and called our Gus Macker team Amorphous Blob University, would we be eligable to play in the North Coast Atlantic Conference, or better yet if I rounded up a similar group of temas could I get an automatic NCAA berth? These are the questions I need answers to.

Barry Bonds

The big news coming out of sports today is that Barry Bonds allegedly took steroids, in other news scientists discovered cats and dogs don't like each other. Now, I'm a Barry Bonds apologist, and personally I don't see what the big deal is about this book. It appears to be an encyclopedia of all of the rumors and allegations that we've been discussing (or in other words had forced down our throats by ESPN) for the past 5 years. I love baseball, its arguably my favorite sport, and I would trade a Pistons title for the chance to see the Tigers in the World Series........and I love the Pistons, but personally I'm just tired of hearing about steroids, I just don't care anymore, it was a problem in the past which will hopefully be put to rest by the stricter testing, harsher suspensions, blah, blah, blah. I'm ready to move on but I just can't get away from this, I'm actually more interested in seeing Karim Garcia in uniform again in the WBC then hearing another story about steroids. So having said that I'm going to completely contradict myself and write five observations about the most recent steroid scandal.

1: The thing that bothers me the most, and about the only thing left for Barry Bonds supporters like myself to stand on is the fact that he's never failed a drug test. Even with all of the evidence that SI came out with today the most glaring omission was there failure to explain how he was masking his steroid use, or whether the steroids he was allegedly using were undetectable. I find it hard to believe that he could be shooting up with steroids on a daily basis, showing up at drug tests with a needle practically hanging out of his ass and still pass EVERY ONE of them. Also I keep hearing talking heads talk about the court of public opinion and how thats all that matters. Wrong, the court of public opinion has hated Barry Bonds for about 10 years or more. He could be totally vindicated tomorrow, break the home run record, and put an end world hunger and 90 percent of the population would still think he was an asshole because he gets short with Pedro Gomez after being asked about steroids for then 5,982nd time.

2. If he did take steroids he wasnt breaking any rules, and thats Major League Baseballs fault and not his. If a great player has the chance to become the greatest player of all time, by taking a substance that baseball had been glacially slow to outlaw, thats his choice. It certainly isnt morally right but neither is cheating on your wife, or being a crack head, or a drunk. When we start looking at athletes to determine our values, which many people seem to do, well maybe its time to start re-evaluating things. Also it's not entirely inconceivable that someone who is a workout fanatic and dedicates his life to being one of the greatest athletes is able to play longer and more effectively then fat ass Babe Ruth who smoked cigars in the dugout, battled syphilis, and lived in a time when people were still dying of Tuberculosis in this country on a large scale.

3. I don't think they should put an asterisk by Barry Bonds name, based on hearsay and suspicion. Should they put an asterisk by Roger Maris' record season because he played a longer.......oh wait they tried that, and immediately realized how stupid and shortsighted that was. Speaking of Babe Ruth should people recognize his homerun total when he played in an era with no Latin or African American players. Can you imagine how many homeruns Adam Dunn would hit this season if he got to tee off on the Jason Johnson's of the world of the world on an almost daily basis.

4. Was anything more satisfying for a Detroiter then watching Jeffri Chadiha calmly and rationally destroy a reactionary Drew Sharp on Jim Rome today. I'm not just saying this because I hate Drew Sharp, which I do since he quit trying to write columns about five years and started to follow Stephen A. Smiths career path of shouting people down and trying to be intimidating over being right, but its always a pleasure to see Drew Sharp get put in his place.

5. Finally I touched on this in the beginning but I hate that this book is being released the week before Opening Day. I hate it beyond words so in protest I will never, ever buy or read this book. I won't let this book, steroids, or Barry Bonds ruin my passion for baseball, because well...thats what I follow the Tigers for.

Update

With my latest paper finished, I no longer have any big obligations for the remainder of the semester other then reading for class, which means that I'll be more prolific in my postings, or I'll just turn into Bill Simmons and post half assed entries about what me and my girlfriend watched on TV last night (Note: in my case girlfriend is a box of Cheez It's that Ive been eating out of for the past 6 weeks, which is about the longest relationship I've ever had with anything.)..........which actually doesnt sound like a bad idea.

Just because I've been busy writing a paper doesnt mean I've been living in a cave, as I still managed to find time to watch the Oscars last night even though I had seen none of the movies that were nominated for Best Picture, because I go to see movies like Land of the Dead in theaters (surprisingly no nominations), although Crash has been in my Netflix queue since August for whatever thats worth. However I still find the Oscars interesting, and last night was no exception. 3 memorable moments.

1. Keira Knightley cemented her status atop Andy's list of most beautiful women. No.2 right now is Kate Beckinsale and it isnt even close.

2. Tab trying to reinvent itself as a hip drink for young women. What? TAB? The only people I know who drink TAB are old chain smoking women. My friends mom is the only die hard TAB drinker I've ever met, they have a refrigerator in their garage that is constantly packed with TAB. I don't even know where she bought it from, my friends and I used to always joke that she bought a warehouse of it back in the 80's and had cornered the TAB market, because nothing goes better with cigarettes and Wheel of Fortune then TAB. Oh and I'm always a little skeptical of any soda that warns that its cancerous on the can, because apparently making TAB is easier then bottling cigarettes.

3. My personal highlight of the night was Three 6 Mafia winning an Oscar for Best Song. Their winning led to so many questions that needed to be answered. BET shouldve sent a camera crew along to chronicle their night at the Oscars. Were they the lonliest guys back stage, or were they walking around blowing ganj smoke in stuffy old white guys faces? Did they come to the awards show dressed in Burgundy sweatsuits and Phillies hats or had they not had a chance to change since their performance? Was anything funnier then them giving a shoutout to Jamie Foxx about liking his T.V. show, because who doesn't love the Jamie Foxx show? How many rich, white girls did they collectively plow through at after parties? 5? 10? 50? These are the things that are important, I don't care about Best Sound Mixing, or animated short, I need to know these things. Also in an interesting side note Crunchy Black is not the first award winner named Crunchy, as Rex "Crunchy" Harrison won an Oscar for his hard hitting Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady.

Finally......what is this site about again......hmmm.....Sports? Is that it? Anyways Michigan is trying its best to play its way out of the NCAA tournament, losing at home to Indiana on Saturday because Dion Harris couldt hit water if he fell out of a boat for about the tenth game in a row. Anyways from watching that ESPN troll Joe Lunardi discuss Bracketology, I get the feeling that everyone is going to talk themselves into letting an insane amount of mid majors in this season, with five coming from the MVC alone. I don't like this because the reality is these teams that are in small conferences just arent as good as......say the 6th best team in the Big Ten, and I'm not just saying that as a Michigan fan (O.K. I probably am). Sure every now and then one of those teams puts together a decent run and makes it to the Elite Eight, like St. Joes a few years ago, but just as likely, if not more is the chance that a team with more losses in a tougher conference and a lower seed ends up in the Final Four. I can't wait until GW which will probably be a 2 or 3 seed get bounced by a team like Wisconsin, and I like underdogs, but I don't like Lunardi busting onto the scene with all this noise about Bradley, and George Mason.

Another hiatus.......

The paper that nearly caused me to have a nervous breakdown a couple of weeks ago was only the rough draft of the paper that is due this Monday. Seeing how poorly I handled the last paper, I'm making preparations for another nervous breakdown that will probably occur at about 1A.M. Monday morning. I'll resume posting Monday. In the meantime here is a picture of a baby monkey.

Loose Strings

Normally when I sit down to write a post I like to have one main theme to write about. But sometimes there just isnt anything happening that is significant enough to write about at length, or I'm just feeling lazy. So today I'm just running through some of today's local sports stories.

1: The Lions slap the franchise tag on Jeff Backus. I like how sports writers always say they slapped the franchise tag on someone. It's never, delicately applied, its always an authoritative slap. So now the Lions have to pay the slowest moving left tackle in the NFL at least 6.8 million for next season. Great. I bet if the Lions put a pile of money at left tackle and set it on fire, it would pass protect AND run block better then Backus. It's just that........nevermind it's just easier to say I hate the Lions, God I hate the Lions.

2. I just saw a commercial for the World Baseball Classic, and one of the players featured was Jorge Cantu. Really, Jorge Cantu, I bet half the people in Tampa Bay don't know who he is, and the only reason I'm aware of him is because I picked him up for my fantasy team last year and he's now one of the headliners for the WBC and the main star for the Mexican Squad (sounds like the name of an Edward James Olmos movie), who's starting for the Mexicans Teddy Higuera.......is he available? Yes.

3. The Pistons allowed the trade deadline to pass without making another trade, which is fine, it's not like they need anything. However some nitpickers are wondering why they didnt try to swing a deal for a third point guard. The way I see it is if Chauncey gets hurt the Pistons are pretty much screwed, and by screwed I mean a team might take them to six games in the Finals instead of getting swept. Second Lindsey Hunter is pretty freaking solid especially for 12-15 minutes a game and he's fresh after sitting out half the season with an injury. Finally in an emergency Tayshaun could fill in and run the point for a bit, or just be a point forward, with Delfino and Hamilton in the backcourt. So I'm not too concerned, I trust Dumars and if he thought we needed a 3rd point he wouldnt have traded Arroyo.

4. Teddy Higuera just pulled out of the WBC.

5. Darko Milicic jerseys are on sale for 20 bucks at the Palace Locker Room store.

6. I was able to attend the Pistons-Pacers game tonight and it was amazing. I had bought the tickets back in October hoping for a chance to boo Ron Artest and Jermaine O'Neal in their first trip back after the brawl. However O'Neal's flow was too heavy to play tonight and Ron Artest....well I'm not going to make fun of Artest, even if it is on a small anonymous blog, because he scares the hell out of me. However the unequivocal highlight of the night was the half time show. It was the most surreal, homo erotic experience I've had in my entire life, 100 times more gay then when me and my room mate Mike gave each other hot oil massag.......hmm...I mean ate steaks and wrestled bears. Moving on. These two guys, who had to have been Germans, come out in light green/avocado colored unitards that were so form fitting it looked like they weren't wearing any clothing at all. Anyways they went into a ten minute long segment of picking each other up and contorting their bodies around each other, in the most sensual, slowest moving way possible. It was like watching a mating dance of two, hairless, lime green, German snakes, all set to the synthesized background music of "Flying High Now" from the Rocky movies. The only people I can adaquetely compare them to are the Barnaby and Finneous characters on Family Guy. The more I think about it the more I realize I can't give this justice through words, I'm not that good of a writer and you just had to be there to see it. As a matter of fact it's probably best if you didnt see it.......I think Im going to go take a 2 hour long shower and burn my clothes. Goodnight.

A Return to Normalcy

The person in the photo to the left is none other than Warren Gamaliel Harding, the forgettable 29th President of the U.S. who used the slogan A Return to Normalcy in his campaign following the conclusion of World War I. Having just experienced the most dull week in sports in months I could relate to what the nation was going through in those strange and wary postwar times and I couldnt think of a more appropriate title for this post. Also I couldnt resist having a reason to throw up a photo of one of the most promiscuous presidents in history on this site. You can't see it but he's pantsless in this photo.

I know there have been plenty of sporting events in the last week or so. The Olympics, NBA All-Star weekend (Iguodala was robbed, the competition shouldve ended after the behind the backboard dunk), Michigan v. MSU in basketball, Kenny Rogers possibly starting on opening day.....yawn....but those events seemed so singular and isolated that I couldn't garner enough optimism or energy to write or even really care about them. However tonight there are the Olympics along with a slate of NBA games and some College basketball action, enough to where I have to take a break from typing to flip between sporting events I actually care about on three seperate channels. There is just a certain amount of comfort in knowing I can watch Courtney Sims turn the ball over on four straight possessions, listen to Steve Lavin talk nonsense as he sends out resumes to D-III schools (although he is noticeably subdued tonight, he must have lost out on the Hope College opening to Larry Eustachy), watch Daniel Horton single handedly keep Michigan afloat, and wait for Lester Abrams to get hurt by a falling anvil AND then turn the channel and watch the Pistons toy with the Hawks for about three quarters before completely crushing them in the final minutes AND also have the option of flipping back to keep checking on the Olympics waiting for Sasha Cohen's short program err.... I mean bobsledding (Just for the record that may be the longest sentence ever written in history, I'm a little rusty although somewhere I'm sure John Marshall is nodding approvingly). Anyways I'm glad sports is back in full swing because I was about 48 hours away from growing a red Ricky Williams homeless man beard and wandering the globe attending cricket matches in India..... or studying.

Finally, they keep showing this fat kid in the stands from Illinois wearing a chef's outfit and high fiving awkwardly after each Illinois fast break. I know nothing about this kid but Ive met his type a thousand times at State. I bet his name is Jordan, he plays tuba in the marching band and he's totally insufferable. If I were Amaker I would give Amadou Ba the role of going up into the crowd and administering beatdowns on fans like this because they deserve it. I actually enjoyed watching the kid in the pleather Beast coat get knocked out before the game on Saturday and I went to State. But then again that might be why I enjoyed it so much.

Darko Freed

All day today I had a nagging feeling, well not so much a nagging feeling as much as a feeling of certain impending doom. I spent the day expecting something cartoonish to happen, something like an anvil falling on my head, or opening up my casebook and having a snake pop out and start biting me. Well, just when I thought I had made it through the day safely I checked ESPN.com and saw that the Pistons had traded Darko Milicic. Actually it wasnt that dramatic, OK it was about .0001% as dramatic, but still it was a shock to the system to see the former no. 2 pick in the NBA draft gone after 2 and a half seasons. So in honor of the soon departed Darko (unless the trade falls through and makes this post completely irrelevant) I thought I would run through a quick timeline of the Darko Era in Detroit.

August 7th, 1973: The Pistons trade a decomposing Otis Thorpe to the Vancouver Grizzlies for a conditional 1st round pick, which the Grizzlies will roll over for what seemed like the next 30 years. For the draft pick the Grizzlies get a half season of Otis Thorpe doing Otis Thorpe things, before they trade him for Bobby Hurley and a stable full of Tennessee Walking Horses. In retrospect this deal turned out brilliantly for the Grizz.

Fall 2002: Chad Ford writes over 100 columns about Darko Milicic. Feeling confident after successfully introducing the world to another 7 foot Euro phenom by the name of Nikoloz Tskis, no Skiti, wait Tstksh..........forget it, this guy Ford favorably compares Darko to both Hakeem and KG. Of course the competition in Darko's league were a bunch of 40 year old chain smoking Euros, which is like me dropping 30 on a convalescent center rec team.

Spring 2003: The balls bounce the Pistons way as the Grizzles draw the second pick in the draft, which gets rolled over to the Pistons in what analysts predict will be one of the best drafts at the top in years. The prospects include LeBron James, the consensus No.1, Chris Bosh, NCAA champ Carmelo Anthony, Dywane Wade, and Darko. After six months of reading Darko story's on ESPN Insider I'm legitimately excited about Darko, who Chad Ford has now said is a more talented and tougher version of Dirk, Hakeem, KG, Tim Duncan and Jesus Christ.

June 26 2003: The Pistons draft Darko, Chad Ford gives the Pistons an A+ for their selection. Darko gives one of the all time great post draft interviews, by refusing to use an interpretor, making Ivan Drago look like Henry Clay and giving the immortal answer to the question of growing up in a war torn country "Make me strong." I contemplate laying down $100 on a Darko jersey, realizing I don't have a $100 I decide against it.

2003-04 Season: Darko provides nothing but is still an intriguing prospect. His teammates rave about his skills and attitude. Pistons win the championship. The always hateable Karl Malone retires with one less ring then a kid who wasnt born when he started plaing and has tape protecting his ear lobes. He immediately retires to pursue a lifelong dream of hunting Mexican girls.

2004-05 Season: Darko slowly becomes exposed as a fraud. Openly bitches about his role on the team and finds his way into Larry Browns dog house. He begins to be greeted by mock cheers, earns the nickname Human Victory Cigar, and is consistently stuffed by the rim. Meanwhile Lebron, Carmelo, Wade, and Bosh begin to establish themselves as legitimite superstars, and the Pistons fall just short of a second NBA title.

Feb. 2005: I cancel my subscription to ESPN.com by submitting my Chad Ford manifesto, which ESPN promptly returns to me.

2005-present: The departure of Larry Brown gives Darko a new lease on his career in Detroit where he vows to work hard to be part of the rotation. After starting the season getting regular minutes Darko gets nearly as many fouls as points and finds himself quickly becoming the answer to the trivia question

Who was the 2nd pick of the 2003 NBA draft?
A: Carmelo Anthony
B: Yao Ming
C: That kid in the back who washes dishes, you know Marko, Darko......something.

So anyways Darko is now with the Magic (probably) and all joking aside its probably best for both teams. The Pistons will get cap room from Cato's expiring contract to re-sign Chauncey and Ben who are both young enough to justify long term expensive contracts, (which if your scoring at home, and who isnt, means the Pistons passed on Carmelo, Wade, and Bosh for cap room and Kelvin Cato), and Orlando gets to try ouy Darko next to Dwight Howard for the rest of this season. The Pistons will also throw in Carlos Arroyo and receive another lottery protected pick to try there hand again, and somewhere Chad Ford is scouting for the next big thing.

I'm Alive

The Lions finally hired Mike Martz today. Wait, no they didn't, he's taking the year off. Wait, he's back. Nevermind they can't agree on money/philosophy so he's leaving. Who's next Hue Jackson? Tom Moore? O.K. here comes the announcement. The Lions new O-coordinator is.............Mike Martz. What? This Mike Martz nonsense has made me institute a new rule here at MTMO. I will never write about the most dysfunctional team in the NFL trying to hire the most sensitive/insane assistant coach in the NFL 3 times over the course of two weeks. I can't think of any other time I will need to enforce this rule unless the Arizona Cardinals attempt to hire Jerry Glanville, but I'm just throwing it out there. Seriously though, no more writing about the Lions until at least the NFL draft.

So I promised to update today barring a complete emotional/physical/mental breakdown caused by writing my research paper. Well here I am updating, so you must be going "Hey, alright everything turned out fine. Right." Wrong! Here's the rundown of my night.

12 A.M. halfway done
1 A.M. still halfway because I can't formulate a rule.
2 A.M. check out my myspace profile and spend the next hour randomly clicking on other profiles
3 A.M. Here's the mental breakdown. I can't think, I can't write, cases are running together.
5 A.M. I'm wondering what happened to 4 A.M. things are being thrown around the apartment, and I'm checking wayne states website for the process of disenrolling. I see it's too late to get my money back so I get back to working. This constitutes the emotional breakdown.
6 A.M. I actually start getting work done, my brains finally functioning, credit goes to Pizza Rolls and MTV showing videos again because nothing gets my morning going like a little Daddy Yankee.
8 A.M. Paper's finished, I stagger over to the school to turn it in, come back to my apartment and crash. Thereby completing the breakdown trifecta that won't be on ESPN.

Yet here I am tonight posting, now thats dedication.......sort of.

I'm not going to write about the game because I couldn't tell you anything you don't already know. The only significant event from a rather boring game is that I was able to taste death in a can and it's name is Stroh's.

So my Super Bowl weekend consisted of me and my old room mate Mike walking the 2.1 miles downtown (I counted) to attend Winter Blast in perfect weather. You know when it's cold enough to be snowing but warm enough get soaking wet. Lovely. Anyways we got to Campus Martius where the activities were taking place and tried to cram into one of the many tents that had been set up to get out of the elements. Unfortunately we were two of only 50,000 people who had the same idea, so we decided to head over to Greektown to do some gambling. Being the high rollers we are, me and Mike immediately looked for the 5 dollar blackjack table. They were easy to find because we followed the cursing, B.O. and faded Greg Lloyd/Barry Foster jerseys (no not this Barry Foster). So me and Mike, sorry.........Mike and I, sit at a table and immediately start winning hand after hand going from 50 dollars to about 200 in a matter of minutes. Everyone at the table is winning and the world record for awkward high fives by white guys is shattered. My friend Mike also catches the eye of a couple of hit out nasty 45 year old bar flies, from Pittsburgh. They were probably only 25 but years of chain smoking and hard living had accelerated the aging process 2:1. So after a while Mike started getting distracted from the "Mikey" cheers and grabass he was being subjected to and we decided to take off. To my dismay he didn't go home with either of them....but I digress. After leaving the casino we walked past the Penthouse party and a bum (who may have been Ickey Woods) taking a crap in the doorway of a bar, which I frantically tried to take a picture of but I couldnt work my camera because my fingers were refusing to work properly in sub zero temperatures. Naturally we celebrated our winnings by playing two hours of Dr. Mario and watching Blade Runner. .........Like I said we're high rollers.

Super Bowl prediction

O.K. Here it is. This is what everyone has been waiting for. Seahawks 27 Steelers 23. Hurry and call Vegas before they close the books. Wait. Someone's trying to tell me something. What is it? The game was yesterday? Seattle lost? Ok, Ok, I know at the end of the last post I promised to make a prediction/analysis/blah/blah/blah. However I also mentioned that I had a research paper due Monday. Well that paper got extended to Wednesday which means for two more days I get to stare at a blank screen, cry in the shower, and subsist on Teddy Grahams. So, barring a complete mental/emotional/physical breakdown, on Wednesday (or next week) I promise to post again.

Martz Update

Well, apparently Mike Martz is not coming to Detroit to take the job of offensive co-ordinator. The initial reports were that Martz and the Lions couldn't agree on money issues but locally everybody is reporting that the real reason was a philosophical difference between Martz and Millen. Apparently Millen wasn't willing to buy into Martz's concept of being successful, and felt more comfortable handing the reins over to another coach with no proven track record. The local media has been saying the leading candidate for the job is now Hue Jackson who was last seen being put into a headlock by Chad Johnson during the Bengals playoff loss. At least Jackson, if he takes the job, won't have to worry about any confrontations with his receivers because Charles Rogers will be too high to care, Roy Williams will pull his quad going after him and miss six weeks, and by the time Mike Williams got off the line of scrimmage, halftime would be over. Oh well, I'm sure this is going to turn into another front office fiasco just like.........well everything else over the last five years.

Enough about the Lions though, I'm done wasting my time writing about them, well at least until Monday. Yesterday I didn't get the chance to go downtown or do anything remotely related to the Super Bowl because my law school professor's were kind enough to assign a long research paper due Monday, which has been occupying my time this week and given me an excuse to grow the most frightening red beard this side of Roy Halladay. This however will not deter me from participating in the activities over the weekend and if it leads to me turning in a paper that says things like, "I think Joey Porter just violated Matt Hasselbeck's Fourth Amendment rights with that blitz," then so be it. Also when I say participating in the Super Bowl activities I mean that as narrowly as possible. I'm not going to any parties, so all of you people who come here for the latest gossip/celebrity news will be sorely disappointed. I'm just going to be walking around downtown, and hanging out in places open to the public, with a couple of my friends as well as my sister and her boyfriend, hoping that I run into Jay Mariotti so I can punch him in the back of the head, which only seems like the fair thing to do.

With all of the hype surrounding the game and festivities in Detroit I've kind of forgot that they are actually playing a game this week and I haven't really thought about who will win or analyzed it yet. So my goal is to, sometime before kickoff, break down the game and give a a prediction. I also realized I never finished grading the Pistons starters. I sat down a couple of times to write about it but couldn't think of anything interesting to say, so they all get A's, I mean they are 38-6 I can't really nitpick and complain about them.

Super Bowl XL

It's Wednesday and apparently something called the Super Bowl is being held in Detroit. Yeah, Ive never heard of it before either, but apparently the two best teams in the NFL play in this event every year and its been going on for forty years now. I mean if the two best teams played every year for the past forty years it seems like the Lions would have been in one of them, right? Anyways with all these crazy events happening this week and seeing as how I live about two miles from Ford Field I thought I would devote a little time posting about it

Today I went with my sister to the RenCen, where all the media is headquartered this week, to check out a live taping of Sportscenter. Some observations. First Dan Patrick has a GI-normous bald spot, and looks to be anywhere between 75-130 years old in person. On tv he looks fine, but when you see him up close it looks like he's wearing a mask of his own face. Now that I'm starting to really think about it, I bet Dan Patrick died two years ago and Mike Hall, remember the guy who won the first Dream Job on ESPN, (it's ok I didnt remember him either I had to look it up), took over his place without anybody noticing, or caring. Also I was amazed at how little the guys in studio actually do. The whole time I was there Patrick was probably on camera for a total of five minutes and would just sit there and talk to people while the segments were playing, which leads to the famous question, who got paid more for doing less last year, Bobby Higginson or Dan Patrick.

The other two guys in studio were Tom Jackson and Mark Schlereth. I've got no problem with Jackson, and when the crowd started chanting "Fire Millen" during a break he turned around and was laughing, acknowledging the crowd, it was a nice gesture. Meanwhile an assistant took off Mark Schlereth's face and was frantically trying to re-program him before the break ended.

Seriously I don't think it's possible to have less charisma/personality than Mark. He seems like the typical ex-jock, who provides no insight and believes games come down to intangibles like toughness, as if the Super Bowl should be decided on which teams O-line could eat more buckets of barbwire. Also the in-studio football field which looks so neat and green on tv is just a bunch of strips of turf shoddily held together by green electrical tape, with seams big enough to blow out Wendell Davis's knees, (check out injury no. 11). So in it's totality it was pretty cool getting to see Sportscenter live, but it wasn't nearly as entertaining as catching College GameDay at the Big House as Chris Fowler calmly polished off two slices of pizza as the production lady was counting down the seconds to airtime.

Finally, like I said in the beginning the RenCen is hosting all of the media day activities and while walking around I got to see and smell many of the national radio guys and sportswriters. That's when I realized that I am wasting my time in law school. For instance today I had to shower and dress something like this.

However if I were a sportswriter all of these things wouldn't be necessary. Shower? Maybe tomorrow. Deodorant? Optional. Shave? Yeah right. Sweat pants with holes in the crotch? Formal wear. So people I'm begging you, please send me money to help me pay off all the cash I've wasted on college, and give me a chance to pursue my dream, so that one day I can become this guy.

Dr. Martzenstein

I'll finish grading the Pistons starters in another post, because today the big story out of Detroit is that the Lions are close to hiring Mike Martz, the most delusional coach in the NFL who also happens to double as an innovative offensive mastermind. A couple of weeks ago I buried Rod Marinelli, the new head coach, and wondered, along with everybody else, who this guy would hire as his assistants because God knows he's gonna need them. Now as we are about to close out the first month of the New Year we may finally have the answer to our question and it turns out the Lions two new co-ordinators are more qualified to be head coaches then the actual head coach is, only with the Lions could this happen. Anyways here is my quick breakdown of the Lion's new coaches, and this is assuming Martz will be hired as all the preliminary reports indicate he will be. Once again these opinions are backed up by no legitimate facts whatsoever and are gleaned from little/no actual knowledge just observations.

1: Donnie Henderson, previously the defensive coordinator for the New York Jets. I really don't know much about Henderson other then the fact that he was responsible for some pretty solid if not spectacular defenses by the New York Jets over the past three years or so. It seems like he had been mentioned as a possible head coaching candidate during this time as well. However since most NFL owners are white 70 plus year old billionaires and Henderson is black he has a 1 in....ohhhh....10 billion chance of landing a job as a head coach. Actually I'm going to open the line on when William Clay Ford first accidentally mistakes Henderson for his chauffeur at two days ago. Anyways Henderson made his mark as a defensive backs coach with the Ravens team that won the Super Bowl and helped develop Chris McAllister and Ed Reed into top flight players. He also took a young defense in 2004 and turned it into one of the best, fastest, most opportunistic ones in the league. So between Marinelli's expertise on the D-line and Henderson's experience I'm looking forward to the fact that the Lions may actually blitz next season and not allow crappy qbs, see Kyle Orton and CHRIS WEINKE!!, sit back and pick the defense apart.

2: Mike Martz: Personally I was secretly hoping that the Lions would hire him as the head coach, just because they had invested so much into the offense through the draft over the past few years, blah, blah, blah. However the thing I'm most excited about is the possibility that Martz could finally coax some production out of the quaterback spot. Look at what he did In St. Louis with Warner, although Satan may have played a large part in that, and most recently Bulger. Now I know your going to say, but Andy you hate Harrington, now you think he could be the savior, you sellout/bastard/hypocrite. Well you'd be wrong I still hate Harrington and I think they should give him a one way ticket to play for the Grand Rapids Rampage. So is the answer Garcia? No. Do they draft Cutler? No. The answer to the quarterback problem is Dan Orlovsky. I think he has the potential to be turned into the next Bulger. He's big, immobile, goony, and possibly has the precision and timing to run the intricate offense Martz employs. The person who can't be happy about this is Kevin Jones as he now gets to look forward to 12 carries a game, which means he's going to have to find a way to get hurt even faster.

Pistons Mid-Season Report card

The Pistons just played their 42nd game tonight which just puts them past the halway mark on their season. Currently their record stands at 37-5, which is an incredible .881 winning percentage. But more important then their blistering start is the fact that it's time for my favorite gimmick article in the history of sportswriting. That's right, its time to grade the Pistons, starting today with the reserves. I must note that because of their record (37-5!!!) almost all of these guys will be getting A's, which kind of sucks the fun out of writing this, but we'll see how it goes.

Alex Acker: I know nothing about Alex Acker, he has yet to appear in a game this season for Detroit so I can't talk about his game. At least he gets to look forward to playing with the Fayetteville Patriots in about two weeks, where I'm sure he will replace former Piston great Mateen Cleaves who was just recalled by the Sonics because they needed an emergency towel waver. So instead of wearing a borrowed suit at the end of the Pistons bench Alex will now get to play in front of dozens of people against teams with names like Roanoke Dazzle. Yikes.
Grade: I

Dale Davis: He's appeared in nine games so far and has yet to score a basket for the Pistons. However I did run into D squared ( I cant believe I just typed that) at the Coach store in Somerset around Christmas time. He seemed absolutely frightened that I recognized him and proceeded to buy over $5000 worth of women's purses. I think he'll do an excellent job of replacing what the Big Easy gave us.....whatever that was.......oh right 6 fouls...... come playoff time.
Grade: A. He seemed like a nice guy

Amir Johnson: I just wrote about this guy a couple of days ago and the good folks at Deadspin.com linked to my blog, a move that single handedly spiked my readership from about 4 to nearly a thousand, if only for a day. For this I'm eternally grateful to Amir.
Grade: A

Lindsey Hunter: Has been injured all year, but did provide ok color commentary for one half of a Pistons game this season, also his favorite movie is New Jack City.......wait I mean Office Space. What?!?
Grade: I

Jason Maxiell: He's appeared in 16 games and has been a pretty exciting player in the limited action he's seen. I love how aggresive he is, as he's always trying to throw it down on someone or sprinting towards the basket looking for an alley oop. It's also amazing how such a fat guy can have such crazy hops. He's like the anti-Tractor Traylor. Speaking of Tractor I remember going to a game a few years ago with my room mate and his girlfriend who wasnt a really big basketball fan. She was enjoying her self until the Tractor came in and was, how should I say this, laboring up and down the court, when she said "Awww, who's that fat man he's making me feel sad." So I guess my point, if I even have one, is nothing take a crowd out of a game like the Tractor.
Grade: A

Carlos Arroyo: My old room mate could never say his name and always ended up saying something to the effect of Carlos Errorrrorroorro, which was always good comedy. I also like the fact that he's a stereotypical hot blooded Latino, (headbutting a ref, wanting to fight Dirk) like if he played on the playground he'd look like this. Oh wait that is him. He also has the most ridiculous backup point guard site on the web at CarlosArroyo.com, with over 57 wallpapers. For this I give him my first...........
Grade: B

Carlos Delfino: I love Delfino and think he will be a great player someday in the same mold as Manu Ginobilli. He plays with a ton of energy and does all the little things like diving for loose balls and tons of other scrappy stuff. What I don't like is how he looks like Gael Garcia Bernal from the Motorcycle Diaries in drag.
Grade: A

Darko Milicic: Before the season my friends and I argued about his stats for the season, which ranged from the low of more personal fouls than points (my guess) to 15 minutes 6 points and four boards a game. It goes without saying that the friend who guessed the latter was heavily involved in drugs.
Grade: F-

Antonio McDyess: He got off to a slow start but has turned it on as of late, even though his numbers are still down quite a bit across the board from last season. It's nice to know that we have a big man coming off of our bench who could probably start for half of the teams in the league. He's so solid in fact that I have nothing to add....that and Im starting to get really freakin' tired.
Grade B+

Maurice Evans: I like Mo Evans because I don't think Ive ever seen him miss a shot. Honestly I can't remember watching a game where he missed, but yet it says on his player page that his shooting percentage is below 50%. Hmmm, anyways Mo is a definite improvement over both Darvin Ham and Ronald Dupree the two guys he essentially replaced. Speaking of which does anyone know what happened to Darvin Ham, did he roll out of bed and fall off the face of the Earth. Did he get left behind in Africa after his tour with the NBA cares program and no one has noticed?......or cared?
Grade: A.

Detroit Tiger's Off-season

I know, I know, baseball's off season has been going on for nearly three months and the only free agents still kicking around are Sammy Sosa, a heterosexual catcher who dates women, Bobby Higginson and Frank Tanana. The first two may end up splitting time with Cecil Fielder and Bill Gulickson in Japan,
The third guy can GO STRAIGHT TO HELL with his .077 batting average.
And Tanana may be younger than the two guys the Tigers signed this off season.

Which nicely segues into the Tigers two key off season acquisitions, Matt Mantei and Bobby Seay, errr....I mean Todd Jones and Kenny Rogers two pitchers who are a combined 80 years old. So even though its the middle of winter I thought it was time to check in with the happenings of arguably my favorite Detroit team, (no not the Lions they are about team no. 21 somewhere below the Wayne State Law School softball team.)

Off season move No.1 Signing Todd Jones. I was never a big Todd Jones fan during his first tour in Detroit, not because of anything he did necessarily, but because I loved Matt Anderson and I thought Jones was holding this guy back from being one of the top closers in baseball. Well that didn't really go as planned and now five years later we're back with Todd again, a guy who the Tigers traded five years ago because they thought he was washed up. Well after putting up one good season in those five years with at least 15 different teams, including one with the Homestead Grays if I remember correctly, he's back in Detroit to help pin down the closers job. Wait, didn't we bring Troy Percival in for this reason last year, What happened? Oh yeah, this, along with a career ending injury. Of course this signing was met with yawns and "What the hell's?" from around the state and the only person remotely excited was Adam Duritz who can look forward to monthly $3 royalty checks for "Mr. Jones." Anyways the thing this most reminds me of is when Norm McDonald came back to host SNL after he was fired and said, and I'm paraphrasing, "It's not that I've gotten funnier since I left, it's that this show is so bad now I'm funnier then the people on here." And he was right, so we'll see how this goes, I'm saying he has a 3.90 ERA and 28 saves this season.

Off-season move No. 2: Signing Kenny Rogers. I liked this signing, Rogers is the kind of pitcher who can junk his way to 14-16 wins, a la Jaime Moyer especially at the cavern known as Comerica Park, and if things start to go bad we can always look forward to him tossing cameramen, sportwriters, fans, children, etc. to the deck when they dare take a picture of him. Hopefully he can teach Maroth and Robertson something about being junkballing lefty's and cheating on their wives.

Off-season move No. 3: Hiring Jim Leyland. Some of my favorite people in sports are chain smokers, Mark Grace, Vlade Divac, and now Jim Leyland. What I don't like are those Jim Leyland Tiger commercials, and if you live in Michigan you know what I mean. The first time I saw one I thought it was a preview for the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie, there are all kinds of screeching and scratchy noises, and its designed to look like a movie preview, with quotes from Detroit sportswriters, like Mitch Albom, (ugh.) and at the end they just flash up a picture of Jim Leyland. What? Jim Leyland? There is nothing badass or scary about a 60 year old man who weighs about 160 pounds. He looks like a friendly high school janitor who would look the other way if you ducked out of class, which leads me to believe that off-season move number 4 should be hire a new ad agency, and please god, please, no more of those ridiculous Who's your Tiger ads. Please.

Amir Johnson

I just watched another Pistons beatdown tonight, this time they took out the T-Wolves by about 745 points after being down two at the break. At the end of the game Amir Johnson came in and challenged Darko for the title of Human Victory Cigar. See I like Darko, I don't think hes gonna bust and I think his biggest problem is that he is just too young right now. I'm having a hard time adjusting to law school at age 22, and I don't have to study in front of 19,000 fans, huge expectations, in a foreign country where I hardly know the language, and with little cotton swabs taped to my earlobes, but I digress.

Anyways I, like everyone else, always looked forward to Darko coming in to finish off Pistons blowouts. I liked the way the crowd got fired up whenever he stood up and made his way to the scorers table. It often was enough to make me put off studying for another 20 minutes or so, although this really isn't saying much because I'd put off studying for just about anything, change a light bulb, rearrange my bookshelf, because I'm having stinky farts.......pretty much anything. Anyways I always found Darko Time to be interesting, because it was like a glimpse at what it would be like if I played professional basketball, a tall skinny semi-athletic white guy who prefers to play twenty feet from the basket even though he's the tallest guy on the court. It was also interesting to see him going after rebounds with one hand, getting offensive fouls for moving screens, and watching the guys on the other team just lining up for a chance to dunk all over his face like one massive basketball, (I put a joke in here that was so filthy and out of character I had to delete it myself after facing a big moral dilemma, like in case my kids or parents were to read this one day, anyways if you want to know the magic missing word e-mail me.)

However tonight things changed with me, probably forever, as a younger, faster, super athletic-er(?) blacker kid (not me) named Amir Johnson came in for some major Darko Time minutes. He looked nervous at first and it seemed as though Amir Johnson's debut would go down as a non-descript beginning to what will probably be a non-descript career. But in the final minute a flurry of action started by a Darko steal (who else) led to a pass to Amir Johnson for a thunderous windmill dunk. Amazing, when was the last time someone windmilled for the Pistons? Stackhouse? Maybe. Darvin Ham? Possibly. Terry Mills? Never. I immediately grabbed the phone to call my friend T.J., who you may remember from waaaayyyyyyy back from the Macker tournament post, when at the other end Amir Johnson denies a shot, which leads to another jam this time by Mo Evans. By now the Pistons bench is going crazy, Im fumbling my phone and mashing the numbers on the keypad, and when I finally get through to T.J. it goes to his voicemail because we were both frantically calling each other at the same time, and I'm thinking when was the last time I did this in a game that had been decided an hour ago?

Well the answer, me and T.J. concluded, was never, at least not in the Darko era of garbage time. This was much more exciting. As much as I enjoyed Darko getting stuffed by the rim, seeing the ball actually go through it was so much more gratifying. Darko was a constant reminder to Pistons fans to be humble, because it was possible for someone to adorn the red, white, and blue, and still struggle and suck (at least for now he does, like I said I still have faith in him). But I don't know if I can get excited for that anymore, like how I felt about the Magnum after riding the Millennium Force, o.k. thats the worst analogy Ive ever come up with but if youve ever been to Cedar Point you know where Im coming from. What I'm trying to say is, I'm sorry Darko but your garbage, errr..... I mean, Amir time minutes are dead to me now.

Welcome to the Graveyard, Rod Marinelli

Today the Lions introduced their newest head coach and it is....... some guy named Rod Marinelli. Who? I had never even heard of this guy until about two days ago, and now he is the head coach of the worst franchise in the NFL. I was actually getting excited about the possibility of the Russ Grimm era because if there is one thing that guarantees the success of a football coach its being fat. I mean look at Andy Reid, Mike Holmgren, Charlie Weiss, Romeo Crennell, who I think will be pretty good regardless of the Browns record this season, and that insanely obese coach for the University of Kansas you know this guy.

But now we have Marinelli, a guy who has never been a head coach or coordinator at any level, but is now responsible for an entire football team. Great. By this logic I'm assuming I'm qualified to run for president and lead the nation based on the fact that I was elected to student council and served the most tumultuous two week tenure in student council history. This is a true story, I woke up for the first meeting which was held before school realized it was still dark outside and about 6 A.M. and said forget that (I didnt swear in fifth grade now I'd say "fuck that fucking bullshit, bitches"). This didnt fly over to well with the constituency and I was replaced by Tracy Roby in a Washington D.C.-style power grab. Now Im in law school and shes got like 4 kids and works at a gas station.....so, i guess i won the war, but i digress.

Where was I? Oh yeah I dont know if Marinelli is the answer or another mistake, but given Millen's track record Im expecting the worst, but at least there is always the draft, where I'm expecting to hear,

"With the ninth pick of the 2006 NFL draft the Detroit Lions select Santonio Holmes, Wide Receiver, Ohio State." And it would be the last thing I ever hear because it would lead to a massive rib breaking heart attack.

Moving on to a much better topic the Pistons are just killing The Knicks tonight and I'm loving every second of it. Right before the half the Pistons poured in three three pointers, and were getting all kinds of offensive boards, uncontested layups, and every time little Nate Robinson tried to take it the hole, the Wallace's just threw it back out. In other words this is just another typical Pistons beat down, much like what they did to Atlanta last night. In fact the most interesting thing tonight is Steve Kerr revealing that he lives in the same neighborhood as Jud Buechler, which led me to imagine that all the slow, white, three-point specialists live in the same gated community somewhere in Arizona. Where if you drove through the subdivision you would find Jon Sundvold planting flowers around his mailbox, Jim Les watering his lawn, Tim Legler and Mark Price jogging together down the street, and Craig Hodges on the outside of the gate looking in because of those damn neighborhood associations.

Well thats enough for today, Im going to finish watching the Pistons polish of the Knicks, who may be the most sloppy careless team that Ive seen in a while.

The Paper Chase

I havent posted in a long time because I've been, well not so much busy as lazy, supine, shiftless and apathetic all rolled into one. I did however watch the movie from which this post got its title, and which apparently doubles as required viewing for all first year law students. Anyways Ive taken way to much time off and havent wrote enough about how great the pistons are this season. So this blog is officially back in business, and more posts will be coming shortly.