Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Wanted: One Hype Man

I may have sat next to you at a Tigers game, waited in line behind you at the bank, ate at the table next to yours in a restaurant, or sat next to you in class while you were reading my site and I was writing for it and you had no idea who I was even though my name is displayed at the bottom of this page....wait, wait , wait, that was a terrible introduction, it read well in my head but the execution was horrific. It sounded like a commercial for the American Heart Association where they would reveal a person dressed like a high cholesterol food item, stalking a healthy looking man, or possibly the trailer for one of the several outrageously lame horror movies that get churned out on a bi-weekly basis and always star at least one girl from either CW or WB (although I am generally in favor of anything that results in more Kristen Bell and/or Sophia Bush, and if you think I only mentioned those two by name to justify a gratuitous photo of one of them you've been reading this site for a while) running from some generic, maniacal, madman and screaming/begging for mercy. Actually there is probably someone who works for a second rate horror movie production company reading this, nodding his head yes, and trying to see where I am going with this, hell everyone is probably wondering where I'm going with this, but trust me, there is a point to this rambling nonsense.....sort of.

I hardly ever write anything personal on this site and prefer to be a faceless narrator of the area's sporting events, as if the letters that appeared on your screen had been written by God himself, only with wittier insight and better grammar, but in order to properly set up this post I must describe a little bit of my personality. I'm so bashful and inoffensive that it's like I'm invisible, like one of those lame ass lo-fi emo bands whose music you hear but you don't really listen to, and afterward you say was that Dashboard Confessional? Taking Back Sunday? Does it matter? Anyways this type of anonymity can be good, especially when it allows me to duck in and out of class with the professors wondering if I'm even enrolled, but at times it can be irritating, and for the past few days I've been trying to figure out a way to change this, trying to find a way to get noticed, so that when I go out with friends people remember that I was there, and during this time of deep thought, the perfect idea finally dawned on me. I need to hire a hype man to follow me around. For those of you who are unfamiliar with what a hype man is let me explain. He's the guy at hip-hop shows who walks around the stage and is responsible for getting the crowd involved in the show and taking over chorus parts of hip-hop songs so the lead performer can catch his breath without interrupting the flow of the song. An example of a hype man outside of the context of a hip-hop show is Duke Tango, the immensely annoying emcee from those late night And 1 Tour shows that air on ESPN2 and which my roommate and I followed closely due to our joint insomnia-induced boredom. Most of the time the hype man just yells out commands to the audience, repeats every other word the main attraction says, and strings together random, nonsensical, boastful ramblings, which is exactly what I need to get noticed.

The way I have it planned out is I would supply the microphone to my hype man only require that he would be dressed like Ice Cube on the cover of AmeriKKKa's Most Wanted. My hype man would then follow me around to class and when I was answering questions correctly, he would make noises like "Ho......uh.....uh.....ho" and after I nailed a question he would wave a towel at me, yelling out "He's Hot!! Class dismissed" before bearhugging me and walking me out of the classroom, or if we went to the gas station he could say things like, "Uh, uh, uhhh, here he is Big A Killah, AKA Chicken Fried John Goodman, AKA Hot Bananas, AKA Atticus Ness, crack-i-lackin' da twanky foe's, the hottest shit out of the Belcrest Apartments since that one girl, (you know the one that looked like a skinny Natasha Bedingfield, and always wore the cute matching hat and gloves in the winter and you said hi to her in the parking lot when you saw her but was always too shy to actually start a conversation with......uh disregard this last sentence he wouldn't know me that well...), moved out this fall, Andrew Stout!!!" Sure none of what my hype man says makes any sense and it would be so over the top and ludicrous that no one would take it seriously, but they would certainly remember I was there and that's what's important..........nah....not really but it would be cool as hell.


Dr Huxtable said...

I was hoping that you'd have your hype man dress like Don Magic Juan.

beefshower said...

Don Magic Juan would have been an excellent choice too, I wish I would have thought of him, I guess I could always delete your comment and re-write the idea as my own....