Friday, July 27, 2007

Greatest Movie Ever

As anyone who has read even a single solitary post on this website knows, I am a pretty big Simpsons fan. Nearly every joke I've written on this website has been a twisted version of something I heard on the Simpsons, made less funny and claimed as my own without even realizing I had stole it. I have seen every episode of the show numerous times and annoyingly recite lines from it amongst my friends. I feel as though I know the characters on that show as well as I know people in real life. I believe it is the funniest television show in the existence of forever and the absolute apex of achievement by man (slightly ahead of Tecmo Super Bowl...slightly). That's why when I first heard the movie was being made over a year ago I was worried. I thought this movie reeked of a cash grab by a show on the decline that was looking for one last big financial windfall before riding off into the sunset. I was worried because I had waited 18 of my 23 years for this movie to come out and there was no possible way it could meet the ridiculous expectations I had created for it. I was wrong. The Simpsons movie was the most exhilarating experience of my life. It was like being conscious during your own birth and realizing all of the wonder and magnificence that awaited you during your new lifetime. If you compiled every great thing that Frank Capra, John Ford, Stanley Kubrick and Woody Allen ever put to film and then multiplied it by a number so large that saying it would take a lifetime you still wouldn't even be close to how great this movie is. Jesus Christ himself could have come bursting through the theater doors riding a surfboard on a wave of fire, carrying the head of Satan in one hand and shooting a shotgun into the air with the other and I still wouldn't have been able to turn away from the brilliance that was occurring on screen and if that last sentence didn't make sense to you then you haven't seen the film yet. That's how amazing this movie is. I don't know how more highly I could recommend it. But if you want to have your life changed for the best then go see this movie. Right now. And when you're done watching it watch it again. Please.

Monday, July 23, 2007


I don't do this nearly enough because, well, I guess I've never really done it before but the Tigers have some of the most dedicated and entertaining bloggers of any team in the majors, especially that strikingly handsome Andrew at the Mickey Tettleton Memorial Overpass with his arresting hazel eyes, commanding voice and humorous, insightful and punctual posting.

Anyways, everyone knows of the stellar work done on a daily basis at Detroit Tigers Weblog, Mack Ave. Tigers and Bless You Boys as well as the excellent posts at The Wayne Fontes Experience.

However, this post is meant to introduce you to a new blogger on the scene who has received Andrew Stout's personal seal of approval (by the way I'm working on this seal and the rough draft is me wearing a bandolier while smoking a pipe and riding a shark, it would've been done by now but the seven year old whose doing it can't draw for shit.) Enough of that though the name of the site is Go Get'em Tigers. He's new to the game but so far his work has been Grade A Premium Dolphin Meat (o.k. I'll stop with all the classifications and's getting late.) So I suggest you check out our new blogging friend and enjoy. I mean unless your some kind of selfish jerk. Now if you'll excuse me these models at my apartment keep asking me to take my shirt off and I would like to oblige them... Check it Out

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Who's Your Tiger?

As long as I can remember the Tigers have had pretty terrible ad campaigns to promote their product on the field. The most memorable of these ads (and if you remember things like old Tigers T.V. commercials you are probably some kind of obsessive nerd who hasn't been on a date in months, downloads Hentai and uses your two Netflix rentals on Akira and Videodrome respectively...wait, I just described myself and I still have the nerve to complain about being to busy to update this site) were the ones which aired during the historically bad 2003 season. These commercials featured new manager Alan Trammell donning a pair of shades while wearing a no-nonsense expression and walking around the bowels of Comerica Park banging on doors with baseball bats as the rest of the coaching staff (Lance Parrish and Kirk Gibson) emerged from smoke-filled rooms wearing the same style sunglasses and growling things like "It's go time." These commercials were outrageous on several levels but namely for the fact that Trammell has the friendliest disposition of any player/manager ever and casting him in the role of a bad-ass totalitarian who wore a necklace made of Barbaro Garbey's teeth would be the equivalent of going to a production of King Lear and finding out that Jean-Claude Van Damme had been cast in the lead role (when everyone knows he would be perfectly suited for the part of Edmund...that noise you just heard was my entire readership leaving my site en masse at that tortured attempt at a joke...snobs.)

In 2004 the Tigers switched directions and went with a lighthearted comedic ad campaign that had a theme like "Know Your Tigers" or something equally as lame. These ads featured new editions Rondell White and Carlos Guillen playing catch with some guy and his dog by throwing the chew toy around the horn and Dmitri Young and Eric Munson crashing some kids birthday party and exploding the pinata with a homerun swing. In the latter ad I was always troubled by how eerily subdued the children were at the fact that a large crackhead looking baseball-bat wielding man had just emerged from the shrubs and destroyed their party game. Had this occurred at a party I was at as a child I would have turned around screaming and ran up the nearest tree but I guess that's just because I'm a racist. (I'm kidding about being racist, I may be a lot of things, polygamist, xenophobic, communist but I am definitely not racist.)

Anyways the 2004 ads were as forgettable as they were retarded and in 2005 the Tigers unveiled what may be my least favorite thing in the history of....ever. The Who's Your Tiger? ad campaign. The first incarnation featured children saying cutesy things like "Pudge is my Tiger because I play catcher too" or, "Dmitri Young's my Tiger because I saw Daddy choke Mommy last night." (Jesus I don't know why I'm so bitter.....wait I listed all the reasons above, that's right). However, after the first few ads the commercials abandoned the child narration and instead went with a formula where a narrator spouts an assortment of statements consisting of trivia (100 game errorless streak at 2nd base), useless statistics (batted .330 in day games in May) and corny nicknames (Polly) with the inflection of asking a question before smugly revealing "Then your Tiger is Placido Polanco." (No shit, jerkbag). I think one of the ways to make this ad campaign slightly less hateable would be if they expanded the breadth of players featured as over the past few seasons these commercials have been reserved for the stars of the team and Chris Shelton. So I'm taking up the cause of promoting some of the less popular and unfamiliar members of the team using the formula for the ads as I outlined above. Just to get the ball rolling on this idea and as a service to the p.r. department and the fans I've decided to take the time to create a "Who's Your Tiger" ads for these players beginning with...

"Does your Tiger have an ERA a shade under 6.00, is unilaterally scorned by the entire fan base and has a repertoire consisting of a straight-as-an-arrow 95 MPH fastball and a curve that breaks belt high and over the heart of the plate like it's sitting on a tee for the hitter?"

"Does your Tiger go by the nickname "Cheese Man" presumably because he doesn't wash the gel out of his hair for weeks at a time leaving his scalp smelling like Limburger that was drug under the radiator by a dying rat and does he make your heart sink and stomach churn with a sense of impending doom every time he enters to pitch in a close game?"

"Does your Tiger's appearances usually end with him staring at the dugout floor with his head in his hands after giving up the lead and is his father a former Tigers pitcher whose career could best be described as being the Jason Grilli of the late 70's."
"Then your Tiger is Jason Grilli and I hate you."

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

3 Things I Hate More Than Anything Ever.

1: Law School
2: Nazi's
3: Law School

I'm done with summer classes so I'll be posting again soon.

Monday, July 02, 2007

Tigers Send Five to the All-Star Game!!!

Congratulations to Magglio Ordonez, Placido Polanco, Pudge Rodriguez, Carlos Guillen and Justin Verlander on being selected to the All-Star team. I know all of you guys check my site every day and wait with bated breath in hopes that I will praise you or acknowledge your accomplishments in some way so I figured I wouldn't keep you waiting. Seriously though I'm still not used to the Tigers being successful and it seems like only yesterday that they were sending one, undeserving, representative like Brad Ausmus, Robert Fick or Justin Thompson because of the rule that every team had to be accounted for at the game. Now I get to be the asshole/obnoxious fan of a good team who complains about the fact that Gil Meche got a spot on the team over Jeremy Bonderman or Gary Sheffield, just because MLB feels its necessary to get the 20 Royals fans in existence excited for the All-Star festivities. (I'm kidding, I sympathize with Royals and Pirates fans and believe the system in place is good for the overall health of the game.)

I know this is a short post and I've been infrequent with my updates (your probably saying, "What else is new?" or "I didn't know you were ever frequent with your posting", which I would reply to by putting my arm around a total stranger, pointing at you and saying really sarcastically "Hahaha, this guys hilarious, how late did you stay up thinking of that joke? Your a regular Red Skelton.....jerk".)but I'm balls deep in work for my summer classes and have my exam coming up shortly. However, I do have a lot of ideas for posts and am slowly piecing together my three act play regarding Matt Millen's reign as GM of the Lions that will either be the most brilliant post in sports-blogging history and propel me to international acclaim and millions of dollars or a rushed and poorly executed abomination that isn't 1/1000th as funny as I had originally anticipated. Yeah it's gonna be the latter....

UPDATE: Jeremy Bonderman is on the last man ballot over on so go over there and vote the hell out of that poll.