....and he's an asshole. He's also infinitely better at breaking teammate's faces then he is at getting opposing batter's out. If you haven't heard or are just to lazy to click on the link I was so gracious to provide for you with and read like three paragraphs, (and if this browbeating isn't bad enough to make you click the link or leave this site while muttering about what a jerk I am) then here's the story. Before Tuesday's game Colon got into an altercation with numerous teammates that led to a fight and ultimately an innocent peacemaker facing reconstructive face surgery like The Joker in Batman (1989) (for reference I'm throwing the relevant scene [as opposed to an irrelevant scene involving Harvey Dent] from the movie at the end of this post, just because I remember seeing this film in theaters when I was 6 and being completely unnerved by it, but I digress). Contrary to popular belief I am not a lonely blogger far removed from the inside of sports locker rooms with no contacts or sources capable of providing me with accurate and trustworthy news stories. In reality I have a network of fast-talking guys who wear fedoras, suspenders, dress shirts with the sleeves rolled up and slacken ties all of whom take blinding flash photos of the days events while saying things like, "Whatta scoop." Luckily one of my news agents was in the Mud Hens locker room before the altercation allowing my site to have an exclusive recitation of the facts surrounding the incident. For reasons known only to me, my dog Sadie, God and God's God, a six armed molten lava creature with a kitten's head named Glormax, this account will be told more like a play then a news report. Why? The answers lie within...........it's a gimmicky device used to gloss over my inability to write coherent paragraphs that don't mysteriously change tenses and are rife with grammatical errors, shit I already spoiled the mystery.
(Jordan Tata, Virgil Vasquez, Kevin Hooper and Jason Karnuth sit around the locker room discussing their respective cups of coffee with the Tigers over the past couple of seasons when Roman Colon enters the locker room, stage left, with a large grin on his face.)
Tata: Hello Roman would you like to join our conversation about our respective brief stints with the Tigers over the past couple of seasons. I was just regaling the group with my story of how Tigers fans were so delusional following years of losing that they were actually excited about me following my 13-2 season in the low level minors. Why I was the toast of Motown. A certified Donruss Rated Rookie, and then those bastards Verlander, Zumaya and Miller stole my thunder and now I rot down here with Chris Shelton on the Team of Forgotten Souls.
Colon: No thanks, Jordan but I do have a special treat for you guys. I've noticed that our clubhouse is kind of dull before games so I made a pre-game mix on my iPod to help us get fired up before we take the field. Do you guys want to hear (the room enthusiastically nods in agreement as Colon hooks his iPod up to the speakers.) I put a lot of time into it and I hope you guys like it. (Colon pushes play)
Lita Ford: "I went to the party last Saturday Night, I didn't get laid I got in a fight, uh-huh it ain't no big thing...."(Colon turns to teammates and smiles before beginning to sing along with the next verse) "Late for my job and the traffic was bad......"
Hooper: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Is this some kind of joke Roman. I mean that song was terrible when it came out, like twenty years ago and it's only gotten worse with age.
Colon: No, no man this isn't a joke......you don't like it? (teammates plug their ears and literally howl with disapproval) Fine I'll play the next song.
Kim Carnes: "Her hair is Harlow gold, her lips sweet surprise. Her hands are never cold. She's got Bette Davis eyes."
Tata: Jesus Christ, Roman! That song is like 10 parsecs beyond gayness. What the hell else is on there because if I listen to five more seconds of this shit my ears will burst into flames. (Roman is becoming visibly flustered and skips to the next song).
OMC: (The Tigers are not openly hostile towards the song as it sounds vaguely familiar) "...Zina just hides her eyes, policeman taps his shades, "Is that a Chevy '69". How bizarre, how bizarre."
Tata: Aww. Aww. Aww. Christ, this song is terrible Roman. My patience is wearing out man. You've got like 10 seconds to play some "Cowboys from Hell" or some other face-melting cock-rocker or I'm walking over there and wrecking that shit.
Colon: (Frantically scrolling through his playlist past P.M. Dawn, Benny Mardones and Lou Bega.) O.k. o.k. I know you guys will like this. Give me one more chance please, I spent a lot of time on this.
Tiffany: "Children behave, that's what they say when we're together. And watch how you play, they don't understand and so we're running just as fast as we can." (Music goes silence as Vasquez has turned down the volume on the stereo)
Colon: (aggressively approaches Vasquez) Hey holmes, you can't go around touching another man's ghetto blaster and think he ain't gonna react, man.
Tata: Calm Down, Virgil was doing us all a favor Roman. Your taste in music is terrible. Also, who puts Tiffany on a playlist but ignores Debbie Gibson. Tiffany was the original Dog Faced Gremlin and wasn't good enough to bleach Debbie Gibsons hair let alone compete for the hearts of pre-teen girls.
Colon: Fuck you Tata!! (Colon shoves Tata and a minor skirmish occurs not unlike the Terminators fighting each other in the mall during T2: Judgment Day, wait.....very unlike that......Colon then proceeds to hop back three steps before cocking his fist).
Colon: "My super spin punch is totally tough!"
Tata: Shit, I've seen this before from Macho Man at the end of Tyson's Punchout. Everyone duck and remember he can't spin punch more than eight times.
Karnuth: What was that Jord......YAARRRFGGFGFGHHG!!!!!!!!!!! (Karnuth has been knocked unconscious by a Colon spin-hook)
Colon: "I don't smoke but tonight I smoked you." (Colon lights cigarette.)
Annnnnnnnnnddddd scene. Curtain falls, cast bows and I, director and playwright extraordinaire, come out to a deafening roar of applause. Seriously though, Colon also went on to make a few disparaging remarks about the Tigers organization and implied that race, and not breaking a teammates face open, was the reason why he was suspended while other non face-breaking teammates involved in the altercation weren't disciplined. I cant imagine that Colon is going to be in the organization very long after his suspension ends and I hope the Tigers do the right thing and cut ties with this ineffective reliever. I also hope Karnuth can recover and resume his pro career and that Colon is banished to a far away place where jerks like him go to see their careers die. Tampa Bay.