Friday, August 03, 2007

Burning Questions for Lynn Henning

Hi everyone...Oh Jesus Christ when did you buy a shotgun!! Relax. Relax. It's me Andrew. I didn't mean to startle you so just put the gun down, I'm not going to harm you. I know I haven't really been around the last couple of weeks and that you are frightened and a little bit hungry and the website has fallen into disrepair (seriously, I leave for like two weeks and I come back to my site and the fucking stove is in the yard? What were you guys doing while I was gone?) but thats what happens when your favorite and most devilishly handsome blogger with his bedroom eyes and chiseled jaw (sorry I was looking at my reflection in the window and got distracted) has an addiction to crystal meth. I just up and disappear for a couple of weeks before I wake up on a bunch of shattered light bulbs next to some fifty year old grandma on a farm in Iowa hoping I have all of my teeth and a wireless connection. Lucky for you guys I have both this time and the Overpass is coming to you live from Dubuque with a really innovative idea. Actually it's not innovative because it's not my idea at all but I'm going to mock Lynn Henning's Burning Questions columns from the Detroit News. I know Big Al over at The Wayne Fontes Experience is already doing this but I'm going to take it in a different direction. I'll pause for a few seconds to let you recover from just having your mind blown....(Seriously though Big Al sorry for ganking your idea I've just had writer's block forever). I'm going to present Mr. Henning with a series of non-baseball related questions (except for one) and transcribe his answers to you. I'm warning you now this post is going to be very spiteful and mean spirited for reasons unbeknownst to even myself. So if things are getting a little too real for you around here, a little too IN YOUR FACE, then feel free to leave this site at the expense of having your manhood questioned and girlfriend tooken. On to the questions!!!

Q: On average, by what time of the day are you drunk?

A: It depends. If I havent fallen asleep from the previous night I'll usually start drinking at around 10 A.M. with the hopes of being pissed by the time Price is Right comes on. Otherwise I'll hold off until mid-afternoon. However if Jerry Green is around all bets are off. One time Greenie kicked my hotel room door off the hinges at 7 A.M. hopped on my bed and started pouring an unmarked bottle of booze down my throat. We continued to drink from that point on until the bars closed at two that night. Sure enough we get pulled over by the police and Green has to take a breathalyzer and blows a 2.00 meaning he had twice as much alcohol than blood in his body. A normal man would have died hours before then but Green ended up making love to the police officer until the sun came up.

Q: I have a ten year old Lhasa Apso named Sadie who doesn't know her own name and is afraid of thunder and vacuum cleaners. Am I right to presume that she is more qualified to write columns for the Detroit News then Rob Parker?

A: Yes

Q: When was the last time you felt the tender caress of a woman?

A: Well my wife and I haven't slept in the same bed for two decades and the prostitutes I pick up on the road have such souless eyes and defeated personalities that I don't even consider them human. This is a very tricky question. When did Ralph Houk last manage the team? 1978. Yeah about that time. I remember Dave Rozema tricked some groupie into thinking I was a recent call-up and future star of the team instead of the new beat writer for the Detroit News. She found out the truth the next morning and has spent the last 29 years cleaning herself in a hot shower.

Q: If I were to go into Danny Knobler's crawlspace how many bodies would I find? 5? 10?

A: Haha, that's a very ambitious estimate. Knobler's crawlspace is actually body free. He disposes of them in the Flint River.

Q: Seriously why didn't the Tigers trade for a reliever?

A: What good does it do to have a lights-out bullpen if your starting pitching can't get you to a point where the bullpen makes a difference? The Tigers' problem is no longer a bullpen that figures to be a lot better when Fernando Rodney, to say nothing of Joel Zumaya, returns late this week. It's a starting rotation that suddenly can't stay on track.

Q: When did this ad hominem attack on all of the Detroit Tigers beat writers cease to be funny?

A: 3 paragraphs ago.

Q: Can I buy weed off you?

A: You can reach Lynn Henning at (313) 222-2472. I've got some Reggie Miller shit that'll make you choke.

1 comment:

Big Al said...

No offense taken, Andrew. I figure the more people who take Henning's clueless blatherings to task, the better.