A: It depends. If I havent fallen asleep from the previous night I'll usually start drinking at around 10 A.M. with the hopes of being pissed by the time Price is Right comes on. Otherwise I'll hold off until mid-afternoon. However if Jerry Green is around all bets are off. One time Greenie kicked my hotel room door off the hinges at 7 A.M. hopped on my bed and started pouring an unmarked bottle of booze down my throat. We continued to drink from that point on until the bars closed at two that night. Sure enough we get pulled over by the police and Green has to take a breathalyzer and blows a 2.00 meaning he had twice as much alcohol than blood in his body. A normal man would have died hours before then but Green ended up making love to the police officer until the sun came up.
Q: I have a ten year old Lhasa Apso named Sadie who doesn't know her own name and is afraid of thunder and vacuum cleaners. Am I right to presume that she is more qualified to write columns for the Detroit News then Rob Parker?
Q: When was the last time you felt the tender caress of a woman?
A: Well my wife and I haven't slept in the same bed for two decades and the prostitutes I pick up on the road have such souless eyes and defeated personalities that I don't even consider them human. This is a very tricky question. When did Ralph Houk last manage the team? 1978. Yeah about that time. I remember Dave Rozema tricked some groupie into thinking I was a recent call-up and future star of the team instead of the new beat writer for the Detroit News. She found out the truth the next morning and has spent the last 29 years cleaning herself in a hot shower.
Q: If I were to go into Danny Knobler's crawlspace how many bodies would I find? 5? 10?
A: Haha, that's a very ambitious estimate. Knobler's crawlspace is actually body free. He disposes of them in the Flint River.
Q: Seriously why didn't the Tigers trade for a reliever?
A: What good does it do to have a lights-out bullpen if your starting pitching can't get you to a point where the bullpen makes a difference? The Tigers' problem is no longer a bullpen that figures to be a lot better when Fernando Rodney, to say nothing of Joel Zumaya, returns late this week. It's a starting rotation that suddenly can't stay on track.
Q: When did this ad hominem attack on all of the Detroit Tigers beat writers cease to be funny?
A: 3 paragraphs ago.
Q: Can I buy weed off you?
A: You can reach Lynn Henning at (313) 222-2472. I've got some Reggie Miller shit that'll make you choke.