Sunday, November 11, 2007

Toastin'


My original idea for this post was to steal a page from Michael Jordan's book and leave a two word post that simply stated, "I'm back." Then I realized how many levels of ridiculous that statement would be coming from somebody like me.

For example, when Jordan first retired from the NBA he was coming off three consecutive championships, was in the prime of his life physically, had established himself as one of the greatest basketball players of all-time and with nothing left to prove in basketball decided he was such an amazing athlete that he might try his hand at professional baseball because....well, why the hell not? He's Michael Jeffrey Jesus Adonis Jordan! He defies gravity and is the beacon through which all that is graceful, beautiful, athletic and organic about basketball shone and to think for a second that he would not excel at a sport that breaks down to "see ball, hit ball" is preposterous to the point of hilarity. Hahahaha. (He really couldn't play though, he OPS'ed .555 in his one season of AA ball. Even Cesar Izturis is appalled by that number.)

On the other end of the spectrum I am a lonely man who probably doesnt even run the best blog in my apartment complex, (Seriously, there is a 90 year old lady in my building who runs the definitive blog on urban culture, fashion and sneakers. She had photos of BBC/Ice Creams fall collection on-line two full weeks before Hypebeast, that's how tight her game is.) let alone in Detroit, I can't even walk up a flight of stairs without having to catch my breath, I spend most of my time chronically masturbating to "Paramore" videos (The lead singer of that band, Hayley Williams....wow, she may warrant her own post in the near future because she is so unbelievably hot...Jesus Christ! How old is she? Is it even a she because Hayley could double as a really gay boy's name. Hang on.../frantically searching the internet/...She's a she and 18, oh thank god.), microwaving French Bread Pizzas and single-handedly dragging Wayne State's Law School into the dreaded 4th Tier of the rankings with my low GPA. Michael Jordan I am not.

The reason for my absence this time is that I've been trying really, really, REALLY hard in school so I can at least salvage my GPA and not have to take a job at a criminal defense firm that advertises on a spraypainted bedsheet, "Rape? Murder? Robbery? We Defend Everything". The main source of my anxiety this semester was a paper I had to write for my Urban Housing and Community Development Seminar that was due on November 20. Notice I wrote "was" due. That's because during the course of writing my paper tonight I had my first miniature meltdown and as I was panicking at the edge of despair I went to my syllabus in search of some hope that Nov. 20th wasnt the actual due date for my paper. It wasn't. I couldn't believe it, I thought it was some kind of frenzy induced hallucination so I raced to my phone and called my friend Matt who shares that class with me to verify my information. The conversation went something like this.

Me: "Matt I know its like 2 A.M. on a Saturday night and the last thing you want to talk about is school, but I just found in my notes that our seminar paper isnt due next Tuesday but rather any time between now and ten days before grades are due. Is this right or did some dragon just fly through my computer screen and steal my reality."

Matt: "Yeah it's true, he's mentioned that about a million times. What are you stupid?"

Me: "That class is at 10 A.M. I can't be held responsible for remembering anything at that ungodly hour."

So now I have been granted a reprieve. I now understand what a prisoner feels like when he receieves a last minute stay from the governor. I know what it feels like to be given a second chance at life. I also understand how to belabor a point and write repetitive analogies. So how am I going to spend my new found time? By writing my paper so that I don't find myself in this exact same situation 1 month from now? Hahaha. Of course not. Instead I will write my hundredth post promising to update this site and then fail to fulfill that promise, watch Misery on the Sci-fi channel, fall asleep to crappy videos on VH1 and hope to wake up in time for the Lions game tomorrow at 4. See you in 6 weeks, jerks.

No. Seriously I plan on writing again, real soon. Honest.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Funny that you masturbate to Paramore videos, because I masturbate to this blog of yours. So update more often.

Rudy said...

I'll be looking for your next post -- just in time for spring training.