The Best Things In Life Are Free

Today was a good day. The Tigers offense routed Sabathia with both Cabrera and Renteria contributing 5 R.B.I.'s. Armando Galarraga pitched great in his Tigers debut, throwing strikes and retiring 17 in a row after a first inning homerun to Dave Dellucci. Jason Grilli came in and didn't blow a ten run lead, only allowing one inherited baserunner to score in two hits over 2 1/3 innings of relief. The game ended within minutes of the new episode of South Park starting, which made for a seamless transition of laziness as I didn't have to spend a few minutes surfing channels, wasting time and fighting off a nagging feeling of guilt for neglecting my studies as final exams rapidly approach. South Park was hilarious. Then my friend Matt, who was over to watch the game and South Park, and I went to Burger King because we were both starving our faces off. While we were placing our orders a homeless guy approached my car and waited patiently for us to finish our order before asking us for money. But instead of just asking for cash he fidgeted around in his pocket and for a split second I thought, "Jesus Christ I think this dangerous minority is going to pull a gun or knife out of his pocket and rob me as I try to order Chicken Tenders. I never thought I would go out this way. I always imagined it would be at a White Castle." (Wait was that racist? Can I use it as an excuse that I'm typing this at 5:41 A.M. and that the brain filter that keeps me from writing stupid things might not be functioning at full capacity. I think even Mother Teresa would be capable of saying something offensive if she were as sleep deprived as I am right now. Seriously, I've seen meth heads who look more refreshed and alive than I do right now......rimshot followed by silence...maybe a cough or two). Instead the homeless guy pulled out a pocket full of baseball cards that he offered to sell me so that he could buy a Whopper. Being a dorky white kid who blows cash on all kinds of stupid shit that could be classified under the loose tag of collectibles I eagerly accepted. Had the guy opened up a book bag full of ALF pogs I probably would've traded him my car for them. I told him to meet me after the drive-thru window and I would give him the cash for the cards. I paid for Matt and I's food with a $20 and should have got $5 back in change but the lady working the window made a mistake and handed me back $15. Since I'm a total cheapass I didnt alert her to her mistake and pocketed the extra ten bucks. We got all the food we ordered, which is a minor miracle when dealing with the fast food restaurants in Detroit, and feeling generous I gave the homeless guy with the baseball cards $5. I pulled out of BK and hit every green light on the way back to my apartment. When I got back to my apartment I inspected the cards I had just received and, as I expected, they all sucked with the highlights being an '88 Topps Floyd Youmans and Rick Rhoden and a '91 Score Rondell White Draft Pick card. Matt joked that with all the good things that had happened to me throughout the day karma was going to rear its ugly head and have something terrible beset me. I thought about what he said for a moment and responded that maybe I had already died and this was my version of heaven.

He called me gay.

I deserved it.