Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Season in Review: Prelude

Ahoy hoy, dear readers. It has been months since I've updated this blog but that is because I have been busy establishing myself as a young attorney. I was fortunate enough to hire into the illustrious law firm of Howe & Hummel where I found myself assigned to the high profile case of busting the Amalgamated-Men's-Hat-Penny-Farthing-Syndicate-Liniment-Oil-Tobacco-Concern trust. I couldn't believe my good fortune. The whole reason I went to law school was because I had grown up idolizing Teddy Roosevelt, even going so far as growing a bushy walrus mustache in the third grade, and how he would fearlessly take on the biggest and most powerful monopolies. I saw this case as Providence bestowing the opportunity for me to send my career soaring like a space rocket into the moon's eye. If I was successful it could be the beginning of the fame I so desperately sought. I could picture it now, my name on the front pages of the Times, being invited to the opening night performance of Miss Cairo's seductive and centuries old "Forbidden Egypt Dance", courting the beautiful Ms. Crosby and wooing her with trips to the finest candy stores and expensive parasols, purchasing ruby and sapphire tie pins and launching my own political career as a champion of the people and opponent of vice and corruption. I sequestered myself and read nothing but law books in preparation of the case, my only real contact with the outside world was a little street urchin named Paddy O'Sullivan who would bring me copies of the dailies and a variety of cakes and sweetmeats in exchange for pieces of stale bread. It was through these reports that I kept abreast of the progress of the Detroit squad. My excitement knew no bounds as the local nine entered the All-Star break in first place however the team trailed off terribly in the second half and finished a distant third place.

Jesus Christ, who am I kidding? All this stuff is obviously fake. Anyone who has followed this site over the years, and I seriously doubt there is anybody out there who has kept up with my erratic posting for five years, knows about my unabashed love of anything from the Progressive Era. The truth is I am a struggling young attorney in Flint whose biggest case so far was the prosecution of the infamous Family Dollar bandits. No teenage girl is going to steal headbands from a dollar store and not pay the ultimate price of pleaing down to a deferred sentence and spending a Saturday afternoon at Shoplifters Anonymous. I'm essentially the Elliot Ness of busting petty criminals. I'm also only about one step away from living in a Motel 6 in the North End of Flint, setting up my office in a storage unit and taking cases on a Sandwich and Flaming Hot Cheetos retainer. So instead of just sitting around and waiting for the phone to ring and daydreaming of stealing all the money from the office trust account and disappearing to the Chilean mountains under the alias Zesty Alvarado, where I would raise goats and be the moody and mysterious gringo who would grow silent and angry when people asked questions about my career as a lawyer in the States, I thought I would go back to updating this site regularly or semi-regularly or three times in one week before my ambition and time to update the site simultaneously run out and the site goes dormant again.

The first thing I am going to do is write up a season in review for the Tigers as well as a look at some of the Tigers off-season moves now that I have had months to carefully contemplate and examine them. Expect the usual array of schizophrenic level word salad, paper thin analysis, unabashed love of Austin Jackson and hatred of Ryan Raburn that knows no bounds. The first player due up on the review is Austin Jackson and I'm going to try to have something up on him by tomorrow.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

please please please continue to update this blog. i love it!