Friday, July 22, 2005

Weimar Republic/ B.E.T. Un-cut

Still having trouble with the titles for these posts, so I thought I would put my history degree to use and start naming these things after certain people, governments, and places that I had overheard of before falling asleep in one of the many hundreds of classes I went to over the last four years. Thats one thing Im going to miss the most about school..........the sleeping in class, and Im not about this either I wasnt one of those people who pretended to sleep as a way to attract attention and once the teacher called on me wake up alertly and look for a cheap laugh, oh no I never slept more peacefully in my life than when I had the sounds of a professor droning on for over an hour, but I digress. I didnt get a chance to watch tonights Tigers game because it wasnt on Fox Sports, but I do know they lost, and from what I read in the Detroit News it was ugly. Jason Johnson got lit up to the tune of 8 runs, same as he did earlier this year but at least he lasted longer than a third of an inning today.

So I have really nothing to add about todays game, so Im going to write about something that I think is long overdue. Earlier this year I posted about how Nick GAS was the greatest late night television network ever. This may have been the stupidest thing I ever wrote. Although GAS is great, nothing will ever be able to top B.E.T.'s Un-cut. In case your unfamiliar with this program its three hours of the most sexually explicit videos from the most obscure rap "artists" in the country. I put the parentheses around artist not because I don't respect rap music, but the people that appear on this program would a hard time drawing a crowd to the Holden Hall 2nd Floor Meeting, or if these guys were holding a live show in my garage I dont think I would go check it out.

The first ballot hall of famers for Un-Cut would be:

1. A rapper known as Isaiah who seemingly puts out a new video every week, which isnt that hard as the only thing required to shoot his video is a jacuzzi, a bottle of Arbor Mist, and lots of drugs not too mention an endless supply of white sorority girls, who are giving their dads a class action brain aneurysm, as well as the most hit out, worn down, depressing strippers the city of Decatur has to offer.

2. Hustle Mania: This is a pair of rappers with a combined weight of 1300 lbs., which is exactly half the total number of girls who shake their....... err......I mean p-pop in their video, tastefully titled Bend Over.

3. Black Jesus: He is responsible for the worst rap song of all time. Me and my friends couldnt believe it was actually happening, so we Googled his name, and got ZERO search least for rappers with that name.......which led us to the conclusion that this actually may not have happened, seeing as how we saw the video after 10 hours of Nintendo 64 Super Smash Bros. and we all know Nintendo eyes can be just as dangerous as any hallucinogen.

4. The Mighty Casey: 2 words "White Girls". 4 more words Greatest Rap Song..........EVER.

Another great part of Un-Cut, at least for a sports fan, is identifying the thousands of throwback jerseys worn by said obscure rappers. This isnt as easy as the mainstream rappers, who stick to the Dr. J's, Bill Russells, and Walter Payton's of the world. Oh no this is far more challenging, as tonight I saw a throwback Haywood Jefferies jersey. Haywood Jefferies. Apparently the Stephone Paige jerseys were sold out. The contemporary jerseys are always pretty good too because it allows you to see whats on sale at the Sports Authority without actually leaving the house. I can think of no stronger evidence to support this than the fact that I saw two Joey Harrington Lions jerseys tonight alone. The other cliches in these videos that never get old, and are always wildly entertaining is the slow motion smoke pouring out of peoples noses and mouths, and its always amazing at how adept all rappers are at riding ATVS. I think this skill has actually replaced rhyming as the most important qualification on becoming a rap star. In an attempt to allow the owners and programmers at BET to sleep at night, or possibly avoid going straight to hell, they immediately follow up Un-Cut with about 5 hours of religious programming, which performs the task of a mass exorcism for the whole network. So the next thing you see after watching a girl shake her blurred out crotch in slow motion while two guys pour Boones Farm on it is a man who looks a lot like Phil Hartman telling you of the evils of everything you just watched. If your not careful the quick 180 may be enough to cause a great amount of internal bleeding or at least the loss of your 3:30 A.M. Strawberry Pop Tart.

I don't know what kind of tone this post has taken but I certainly hope it isnt preachy because I by no means intend to condemn B.E.T. or lecture the reader about the evils of rap and p- popping, in fact I encourage you, implore you, to watch this program. Hopefully I ve made Bob Johnson a little richer, and maybe one day he can reward me for filling his pockets by letting a true American Hero The Mighty Casey sing the national anthem at a Charlotte Bobcats game because it would help me unwind. (White Girls running through my mind...................)

2 comments: said...

Hey, one of the dudes in Hustle Mania is my brother. Chill with the jokes, OK? Yeesh. And I was at the video shoot for that video. Good times...

Anonymous said...

thanks for putting my cousin's group (hustle mania) in your hall of fame but no jokes ok both of them are sweet guys