In a previous post I wrote that making top (insert number) lists and handing out grades are the two most overused, gimmicky ideas for a column/post and are used primarily by alcoholic, disenchanted, lazy, uncreative writers who are obviously mailing it in before some deadline and hoping to make it to happy hour before the guy who brings the karaoke machine shows up and steals the affection of the desperate 40 year old bar flies the writer strives after. I'm not naming names here, (Mike O'Hara, Danny Knobler, Tom Kowalski, the entire Detroit Free Press sports section), I'm just concerned that I've fallen into the same trap, and if you need evidence just scroll through my last 2 months worth of postings, and you'll see what I'm talking about, go ahead, I'll wait 10 seconds until your back......no rush.....See what I mean? I've got Top 5 Favorite/Least Favorite Tigers, Grades for the Pistons, and my only post that doesn't fall into that category doesn't even pertain to sports. Normally an introductory paragraph like this would crescent into me swearing off the gimmicky ideas and vowing to write more coherent and creative posts...or so you would think. Instead, I'm going to do one worse and write a Top 5 list about things not pertaining to sports. Wait, why is everyone leaving, you can't go anywhere, that back button on your browser is just painted on, go ahead and click it......hello?
Enough nonsense, this post is pretty self explanatory, with one minor caveat, I deplore the word hot as a way to describe a woman, unless it has a qualifier in front of it, i.e. "retarded hot", but I believe standing alone "hot" is a banal, moronic and slightly demeaning adjective. So why did I use it in the title for this post? Because I couldn't come up with a synonym that didn't sound creepy and or old fashioned, like something Mr. Burns would say. But this should be no surprise as anyone who knows me, knows that even though I'm only 23 I'm pretty old fashioned in my, uhhh......, sensibilities. For example I wish I could ride a penny-farthing to the local box social and discuss with the bourgeoisie how my father conscripted a poor "labourer" into taking my enlistment in the Union, and then act surprised when its announced that I'm the "Gentlemen of the Season", as girls bat their eyes and wave fans......but I was born about 150 years to late for that. Also this list won't contain the obvious, there will be no mention of Angelina Jolie, Mandy Moore, Sophia Bush, or Estelle Getty, (although in full disclosure had I made such a list spots 1, 2, and 3 would go to Kate Beckinsale). It will, however, feature women from across time, and in one case medium. These are just five women who for reasons unbeknownst to even myself, I've been drawn too, and I don't mean that in a creepy stalker kind of way.....mostly. On to the list!
5: Moira Quirk: When I was growing up, the only shows that mattered after coming home from school were the Nickelodeon game shows, American Gladiators and syndicated episodes of Empty Nest....well not so much the latter, but everything else could go to hell. The Nickelodeon game shows consisted of Nick Arcade, Finders Keepers, and Double Dare, and they were all pretty entertaining save for that creepy Harvey guy who was the announcer for seemingly every one of these shows. Harvey looked more like the kind of guy that would be circling the playground in a van with the windows covered by leopard print curtains than someone who should be co-hosting a children's show, but I digress. Everything changed in 1992 with the debut of the show GUTS. GUTS was pretty much a scaled down, children's version of American Gladiators, which means it essentially rocked my nine-year old face off, repeatedly. The part of the show that made it infinitely more entertaining for me was the presence of Mo, the referee/co-host with the British accent. I don't know if it was the beginning of changes for me (I don't know anything about children and the ages they start functioning, I'm genuinely startled when I hear a 7 year old talk), but for the first time in my life I was attracted to a "celebrity", and would anticipate the moments Mo was on the screem more than the race up the Aggro-Crag. Mo also began my lifelong infatuation with British accents, and I imagined Mo saying really generic British sayings, such as yelling out "What's all this then, right?" when she got pissed at me and I would just melt and go "Awww, I'm sorry, lets go buy purses." Recently I saw a repeat of GUTS for the first time in over a decade on Nick GAS and was excited to see what Mo looked like now that I had grown up. I waited through Mike O'Malley's babblings, (I was jealous of him when the show first came on) and when Mo finally appeared on the screen before the first event I was......eh. She was alright, but I could see how the only other person who thought she was hot when I was nine was my friend Greg who became a gay vampire, (his words, not mine), later in life......wait whats that say about me?
4: Erin E-Surance: This is easily the strangest entry on this list, because for one, she's not a real human, and, well I don't even need a two, because the first reason stands alone in its creepiness. This attraction to a car commercial cartoon has drove every girl I've been around crazy and made them re-evaluate if they want to continue to be around someone who would leer at a fictitious comic book character that is trying to sell car insurance. In my defense whats not to like? The pink hair shows shes probably into the same music as me, there is a commercial where she plays basketball, so we share a love of sports, and during the day she wears glasses, so she has to be smart and we could sit around and talk about important, topical things over dinner. See, I told you it made sense Candace, so why do you keep blocking my calls! Wait, I can read that......they can read that....disregard that last sentence please.
3: Mid-70's Linda Ronstadt: Wow those last two postings spiraled out of control and I fear Ive revealed things about myself, to you the reader, that I didnt even know, but moving on. # 3 is the person on this list that I've probably come the closest to physical contact with....in a round about, vicarious, sort of way, similar to my contact with every other woman. You're probably asking, "What the hell are you talking about Andrew you weren't even born until 1983 how could you have met mid-70's Linda Ronstandt?" Let me explain. A few weeks ago I was having a variety of GI health problems that led to me visiting a series of doctors to find the source of the ailment. While going to the doctor I was subjected to a "test" that every man NOT named Mr. Slave fears. I was informed ahead of time about the exam and, after debating throwing my self out the window and fleeing to Canada, decided to accept my fate. So I laid on my side and tried to focus on something...anything, to distract me. But my options were limited in the sterile, boring doctors office, except for the music being piped into the room, "Different Drum". With the doctor looming over my shoulder I tried hard to focus on the song and commit the lyrics to memory. Unfortunately doing this made the song get stuck in my head for days, and not wanting to constantly relive this painful, emabarrasing and shameful moment, decided to listen to the song as a way of deleting/repressing it from my mind (this works for me). While looking the song up online I stumbled across a young Linda Ronstandt and was struck by how pretty she was, as I had never recalled seeing a photo of her outside of the Simpsons drawing from the Mr. Plow episode. So thats how she makes the list. Questions? Yes, in the back. "Umm, the physical contact you alluded to earlier was really a doctor sticking his finger in your nether regions....uhh....are you gay?" Huh?....I don't...know.....anymore.
2: Elizabeth Vargas: Elizabeth Vargas was the short lived host of ABC's evening newscast in the time between the death of the immortal Peter Jennings, (wait thats a contradiction, forget it I'm leaving it in anyways) and the cheesy Charlie Gibson. Normally I eschew the nightly news because I'm too young and hip to get my news at 6:30 on T.V., I mean what is this the 1960's, 90% of the stuff that happens during the day I've already seen online, processed, regurgitated and moved on before 6:30. However the one exception was the short period in which Elizabeth Vargas hosted the ABC newscast. Nearly every night that summer I tuned in and, most of the time, I couldnt tell you what the stories were about. They were just filler between the time Elizabeth Vargas was on the screen, and when she was reassigned to make room for that ass Charlie Gibson I was outraged. Here was someone who actually appealed to younger male viewers and she was pushed out because old men, like my Grandpa, couldn't stomach the fact that a woman, a Hispanic woman! was ruining their news. To this day I'm hostile towards Gibson's mere presence on the screen whenever I accidentally go past the news at 6:30. Vargas would have occupied the top spot on this list until I recently found out she was married to Marc Cohn the man responsible for what is quite possibly my least favorite song of all time, "Walking in Memphis". I was so disappointed in the fact that she would be into emotional songwriting types, who would cry at their son's piano recital, I hate those guys. I don't have any emotions and if I was at the piano recital I would be wondering why he wasn't out looking for a job. I don't care if he's 10, factories would pay a lot of money to have those little fingers cleaning machines.
1: Stacy London: The co-host of TLC's "What Not to Wear" ......(sigh). What is it about Stacy London that I like, what makes her grab this coveted top spot on a list created by a lonely law student in his Detroit apartment at 3:15 in the morning, (because she WOULD care)? The first thing about Stacy is obviously her style. I have none, and I need help, I'm strictly a t-shirt (usually an animal, or an animal eating another animal, standard stuff) and jeans, and if I'm feeling really saucy...khakis. That's it. I need help with this kind of stuff, a way to look clean and not lazy and disheveled, and who better to help me navigate through the fashion terrain than a person with their own fashion show. Also I love her acerbic sense of humor, and the biting, catty remarks she makes to guests on the show. I have the same sense of humor and my perfect date with a girl, any girl, would be sitting on a bench, people watching and belittling strangers with cutting remarks after they were out of an earshot, because I'm just such a charming man. I also like the fact that she has such a polarizing effect on other women. Every girl I talk to thinks she's a snobby, cold hearted, mean spirited squaw, incapable of feeling. Even my sister couldn't believe I liked Stacy London, and when she showed me a picture of her online my sister said they should have called the show "How Not to Smile." Oh well, different strokes for different folks, I guess.
There's your list now that I've re-read it I have to go re-evaluate a series of things in my life but NOT my sexuality.........of course.....(nervous laughter).