Depressing Sunday

When I was working on my history degree at State I was required to read "My Bondage and My Freedom" by Frederick Douglass for about 98% of my history classes. If I remember correctly I believe I even had to read it for my college algebra and biology lab. Anyways there is a lengthy passage where Douglass writes about the happiest time of his life being when he was a child and lived with his grandmother, a freed woman, in a house just off the plantation. This allowed him to enjoy a carefree young childhood and remain ignorant of the evils of slavery occurring just a few miles away. Professors would always base a discussion around Douglass' "ignorance is bliss" statement because they knew some kids in class, namely the ones who toted crusty Beaners coffee mugs, reeked of patchouli, and described everything as "pragmatic", would drone on for 90 minutes waxing philosophically about Douglass/slavery/ignorance. Me, I sat in the back of the room slyly working on The State News crossword puzzle with Mr. Douglass a million miles away from my thoughts.

After the events of this afternoon I finally thought about and understood what Mr. Douglass was talking about. (Disclaimer: I didn't think about it until I sat down just now and tried to come up with an introductory paragraph, I never think that deeply, I also don't want you to think that I'm serious in comparing watching football to the horrible institution of slavery, because I don't think Mr. Douglass ever had to sit through a Lions game.) As I've mentioned before my dad has Detroit Lions season tickets, presumably as a passive aggressive way to punish me for the 20+ years of sucking him dry through allowances, college tuition, etc., etc. Today we arrived at the stadium shortly before kickoff and had to fight our way through dozens of people looking to dump extra tickets for as low as $5 dollars. My dad and I even saw a guy trying to help out a homeless man by offering him an extra ticket for free (!) so that the guy could re-sell it for a few dollars and the homeless guy turned him down.......I couldn't make this stuff up. After making it through the desperate ticket dumping crowd my dad and I found are seats, situated between a whole gaggle of early thirties alcoholic douchebags and their bimbo wives, and settled in for what was the most boring offensive game I've ever witnessed, and this is coming from someone who witnessed firsthand the Joey Harrington Era. In typical Lions fan fashion, a group which may the the bitchiest, fickle...i..est (?) group this side of Ann Arbor they turned on the team before the second quarter of the first game. By the second quarter I overheard people near us talking about how they wished Charlie Batch was still in Detroit after watching him play in the Thursday night game for Pittsburgh. This coming from people who wore #10 "Bitch" jerseys during his last season as starter. This was followed by more grousing at halftime where people were talking about hoping the team would switch to McCown for the second half, before things ultimately came to a head midway through the third when after two consecutive bad throws by Kitna, a man in the row in front of us, who had been relatively quiet leading up to that point, stood up and yelled "Joey Fucking Harrington could have made that throw" and after looking around for a couple of seconds completely beside himself, stormed off. I've never seen fans this irate, this early into the season.

Some more quick observations from the game:

1: The offensive line sucks.....still. Jeff "Sackus" (my friend takes credit for that) was back to racking up holding penalties and false starts like every other "Franchise" left tackle. Dominic Raiola is tenacious, if you count tenacity as trying to pick a fight with the guy who sacked the quarterback 5 seconds after the whistle blows because your stubby T-Rex arms are useless at blocking.

2: The defense was good enough to win but got zero help from the offense, by week 9 they should be so disenchanted by the ineptitude of the offense that they'll stop trying, like they did after last seasons Carolina loss.

3: Fernando Bryant is still constructed of papier mache, seems like the Lions would have investigated this before handing him a five year deal, it only took one hit from the equally fragile Darrell Jackson to sideline Bryant in this game. I don't know how Bryant makes it through the week without getting hurt, they must wrap him in bubble wrap and store him in a Styrofoam case, much like a bobblehead, between gamedays.

The one saving grace for my dad and I was that the Tigers were playing the Twins in the pivotal final game of a four game set. It was the great unknown, we were imagining a pitching duel between Bonderman and Santana with Craig Monroe breaking a scoreless tie in the 8th inning with a dramatic 3 run homer and pushing the division lead back to four games, and countless other dramatic scenarios. After Josh Brown's last second field goal beat the Lions my dad and I rushed out of the stadium and to the car to catch the Tigers score. We turned on the radio and.........commercial. Damn. After a few more moments the game comes back on with Dan Dickerson announcing a Twins pitching change in the 7th, which I immediately think is a good sign that Santana can't get through the seventh and I'm back to thinking about a tight game and late inning heroics before I finally hear the score. 8-0. Bonderman who probably hasn't won since July.......what.....he really hasn't won since July, I was being sarcastic. Jesus Christ. My dad reached over an immediately turned off the radio and we sat in silence for a few moments wondering why we even bother following sports, between the hundreds of dollars in season tickets following a hapless franchise, to watching the slow and excrutiating death of a team that you've invested your heart, soul and summer following, as they slip in the standings and dangerously close to out of the playoffs completely. When it dawns on me. The reason sports is worth following is for those moments of blissful ignorance (wait I already discredited myself by saying that I made up the introductory paragraph.......hmm....just play along) when you're filled with hope and your mind fills with thoughts of thrilling outcomes and heroic efforts. Sure, today sucked, but it's worth it.

Top Five Sports Video Game Countdown # 3

I apologize for the lack of posting, (not that anyone was complaining) but I've been swamped with reading since my return to school. I think I read Plessy v. Ferguson for the 1,758th time in my life last night and it still took me forever to get through it all. So tonight I'm going to return to my top five sports video game countdown eschewing all of the big mostly depressing news (Tigers tailspin, Dmitri Young release, pantsless Lions coaches) in favor of something lighter, so on with the countdown.

#3 Madden 2005 (PS2)

Madden is now in its 17th year as a sports video game franchise and is easily the most popular and successful series in the history of video games so picking the best one wasn't easy. I loved the Genesis version most notably for the late hits that would result in devastating injuries. I remember this one game I was playing against a friend, which also happened to be the computer (I was a very lonely child), and my friend had inserted Deion Sanders into the Falcons offense at a time when he was the fastest player in the game and completely unstoppable. Anyways I'm winning the game late by less then a touchdown, when my friend receives the ball and starts his drive. First play sweep to Deion gain of ten, Deion picks himself of the turf, when out of nowhere Antonio London comes and blindsides him 5 seconds after the whistle. POP!, "oh no there's a man down" Summerall solemnly says as "Neon" Deion lays prostrate by the first down marker, and my friend has to resort to the Erric Pegram, Jeff George, Bert Emanuel triumvirate. Game Over. Anyways the game became increasingly better with each new generation of systems, ranging from Genesis to Nintendo 64 to ultimately the ps2, with which it ultimately peaked with the release of Madden 2005.

The only thing I play on Madden, other then the occasional exhibition matchup against my friend (a real one now), is the Franchise mode, which I stupidly play with the Lions every season. That year the Lions didn't have the best overall rating, because they never do, but they arguably had the most potential at a time when Joey Harrington was still fooling people into thinking he was capable of becoming a competent quarterback, Charles Rogers coming off injury but still highly regarded, Boss Bailey being as fast as most wide receivers, and the addition of first round picks Roy Williams and Kevin Jones. By the third year of my Franchise I had all of the aforementioned guys up to a 99 overall, had shipped Harrington, whom I hated in real life to the point that it pained me to see a digital version of him succeed, to the Falcons for Michael Vick. This was easily the funnest team I had ever assembled and allowed me to shatter every record imaginable. Most sacks in a season, Boss Bailey obliterated Mark Gastineau's record by...... oh about 68 sacks. Single season rushing record broken by week 9. Most receptions in a season, shattered by each of my top three receivers. I plowed through season after season on my Franchise, much to the chagrin of my roommate Mike who didn't even like Madden raising suspicions about whether or not he was actually human. That fall was easily my least productive semester of college, which is coming from a person who played all 256 games of a Tecmo Super Bowl season TWICE my freshman year. Thinking back on it now I 'm not sure I actually went to class once during my four years at State, but I digress. Anyways here's my typical exchange with Mike that year.

Me: (walking in the door) Hey Mike let me play Madden.

Mike: O.k. but let me finish this episode of Becker/King of Queens/Suddenly Susan.

Me: (staring blankly)

Me: (blinking)

Mike: What? Wait......what are you doing....set me down.

Me: (lifting couch off ground and shaking Mike out the window)

Mike: (walking in the door from outside) Fine I'll go to bed because I'm a submissive little girl.

12 hours later.......

Me: Why is that star so bright, whats going on here?

Mike: (emerging from room with blindfold on (he actually wore those) What are you talking about that's the sun you jackass, you were up all night playing Madden again.

Actually there was usually a lot more shrieking over things like whose TV it was, which devolved into a 20 minute wrestling match with the loser being too tired to fight and just going to bed. Anyways I managed to play 17, yes 17, (17!!!!!!) seasons on my franchise that year playing through a whole career of each of the aforementioned guys and making poor Madden announce games into early 90's, which means they were probably keeping him alive with some sort of hyperbolic sleeping chamber. The last two Maddens have been equally good because they've pretty much released the 2005 version with updated rosters and limited new features, which I have no problem with and I'm sure I'll still be playing it 17 years from now.

Saturday Afternoon Re-Cap

Just a couple of quick Saturday observations:

I have just returned from the Michigan-Vanderbilt game and my first impression of this years Michigan squad is.............eh.

Quarterback: Henne looked a little bit flat and wasn't very accurate in his throws. I think he played slightly better then his final stats indicated as the receiving corps was plagued by a case of the dropsies. Henne also looked a little tentative at times, electing to pull the ball down and scramble more then any other time I can remember over the past 2 + seasons. I think Henne will be as good as his receivers such as the spectacular Braylon Edwards during his freshman season and the always solid Jason Avant last year. We'll see what kind of rapport he develops with Manningham/Breaston.

Running back: I think the difference between a 7-5 and 10-2 season last year was the helath of Mike Hart. When he's 100% he's arguably the best running bak in the nation and today was another example of that with 148 yards. I love his elusiveness and ability to shuck would be tacklers. On the other hand there is Kevin Grady. I've never been a big Grady fan, he did have a good touchdown run early, but after that was unproductive including a bad fumble in the Vandy redzone. He has to much David Underwood in him for me to like. He seems indecisive and slow to the hit the hole. I think his final season line will be 121 carries 264 yards 6 lost fumbles,(I'm exagerating but I just don't like him).

Receivers: To many drops today, especially from Breaston who may end up being a glorified kick returner. Manningham had a nice touchdown catch late in the game and hopefully becomes a consistent go-to-guy.

Defense: The defense was spectacular today getting 6 quarterback sacks and being in the Commodores backfield all game. Lamar Woodley had 3 sacks and seems to finally be fulfilling his vast potential after four years. The defensive line also did an excellent job of containing the quarterback when he tried to pull it down and run, a problem that has plagued Michigan since, seemingly, the days of Red Grange.

Special Teams: I'm thrilled that the punters name is Zoltan. All punters should have unique names like that to make them a little more relevant/memorable. Rivas, entering his 7th season as the Wolverines kicker had 1 kicked blocked but also nailed a 48 yard field goal so he's already in maddeningly inconsistent mid-season form.

Michigan fans: I was impressed with them this year as it only took until the 9:00 minute mark before openly bitching about the coaching, an unusual amount of restraint from the biggest Chicken Little fans in sports.

Finally on a sad note two of my favorite athletes in the Detroit are left me today. Everyone knows about Charles Rogers who was officially released by the Lions this afternoon. But equally painful and less newsworthy was the Tigers decision to trade Nook Logan to the Washington Nationals. Anyone who has read this site since the beginning knows of my affection for Nook. I was hoping he would beat out Granderson for the starting centerfield spot this spring, even though Granderson was the better player. I always thought he could be a poor mans Otis Nixon minus the crack addiction. A #9 hitter who would bat .255 with 95 steals and some spectacular defense. My favorite moment of a rather forgettable 2005 Tigers season was when Nook Logan robbed two homeruns in the same game against the Baltimore Orioles and sprinted off the field laughing. He was the one guy that seemed to always have fun on a morose petulant team last season. Here's hoping he has success in Washington.

Charles Rogers

"Rogers will get 'extensive' time in final exhibition".

That was the headline in yesterdays Detroit News. Apparently they meant extensive time riding the exercise bike, or extensive time chatting to Mike Williams 10 yards away from the rest of the team on the sideline. As I am writing this there is 9:52 remaining in the fourth quarter and Charles Rogers was on the field for one series catching one hitch pass for a total of 3 yards. Apparently this was enough for the completely incompetent Lions organization to make a decisive decision about the future of the former Number 2 overall pick who is scheduled to make millions of dollars this year, or, in the more likely event that he is released Saturday, eat up millions more in salary cap space over the next three years. Meanwhile Glenn Martinez gets a ton of playing time and drops about 25 passes and will more then likely make the team because he practices hard. It doesn't matter that he sucks, has no real upside, and that him playing at 110% is slightly worse then Charlie Rogers at 50%, at least he practices hard and even though that doesn't translate into any wins on Sunday it's the attitude we need........for whatever the hell thats worth.

In the effort of full disclosure I have to say that I've been a Chuck Rogers fan since high school. I grew up in Clio, which is about 25 miles south of Saginaw and 10 miles north of Flint. The two cities schools play each other in the Saginaw Valley Conference, and whenever you have an all-world athlete come out of the area he's usually rabidlly covered by the local media, namely the Flint Journal. This was the case with Cleaves, MoPete, Jason Richardson, Lamar Woodley and scores of others. But I would argue that none of the aforementioned athletes over the past 15 years were as highly touted as Charles Rogers. I remember when it was front page news when the mother of one of his 19 children (all with variations of his name, I think one of them was name Charmander) stabbed him in the lung with a fork at a party and put his status for the upcoming week into question. I followed him to State and was in the stands with my friend Mike when the wildly overmatched Jeremy LeSuerer gave up trying to defend him by halftime and racked up about 5 pass interference/personal fouls over the course State's last second victory. I was estatic when the Lions took him second overall to help out Joey Harrington, a move which the Sporting News referred to as the new Manning/Harrison combo that would dominate the NFL for the next decade. And it all seemed true in that first game against the Arizona Cardinals where I had a goal line seat to the first two touchdown catches of what was sure to be a Hall of Fame worthy career.

And it was all downhill from there, with the injury to close out his rookie season, followed by his second season being wiped out after one series with the same broken collarbone, which the Lions had replaced with adamantium. Then he came in the next year on the second team, a demotion he received only for being injured, before he fucked up and got suspended four games for smoking weed non-stop. This year he came into camp fighting to maintain a roster spot he never got a chance to keep, playing only 14 of 48 possible games before the Lions thought he was worthless. A decision they reached in a much quicker time then the 50 games it took the Lions brass to finally realize that Joey Jo-Jo sucked. I don't think I'm alone in believing as I think Rogers has become a sympathetic character to many Lions fans, who are frustrated over an organization that gave Joey every opportunity to succeed and watch him fall flat on his face over and over again for four years, while Rogers got a handful of starts and 36 catches before getting cut loose. As a matter of fact I think that Lions fans could do a better job making decisions for the team then the people in charge. If you hooked up those Americas Funniest Home Videos voting devices and let Lions fans chose plays they might win 10 games this season instead of the 3-13 record they are destined for.

As the game progressed I was finding myself becoming increasingly irate over the idea that Rogers couldn't get on the field for a fair evaluation in a COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS pre-season game, so I called my sister to complain, a conversation that started something like this.

Me: "Lions-doodly, Rogers-diddly, no chance-a-diddly-doodly, Lions hate, go hell!"

Sister: "You're acting crazy, calm down, it'll be better if he leaves this incompetent organization, gets a fresh start somewhere else, flourishes and makes the Lions look like idiots.......again. And you just have to stop caring about them."

Me: "You're right."

Sister: "That you're crazy?"

Me (flinging whiskey bottle against wall): "About Everything Dammit!!!!!"

O.K. so it wasn't that dramatic, that dialogue read like a Tennessee Williams play rewritten by 4th graders, but she raises a couple of good points. 1: I just have to stop caring about the Lions, as long as Millen is in charge and hiring functionally retarded coaches. Just Stop Caring. I'll follow the NFL by rooting for the players on my fantasy team and just expect the Lions to win five games a year......if they are lucky. 2: I do hope Rogers gets released. Sure it will end his days as a Lion the team I foolishly choose to follow, although he'll still be my No.1 receiver on my Madden Lions, a team which I follow closer then the real franchise anyway. And I don't think he'll be out of work long. I'm sure a team desperate for a receiver will pick him up, hopefully Minnesota, where he'll practice, Brad Childress will turn to his staff and go "Why did the Lions let him go?" and his assistant will say "Because Matt Millen's retarded sir." And they'll high five. Rogers will come into Ford Field and torch the Lions twice a year and I'll be sitting in my seat by the goal line, smiling, and wearing my Chuck Rogers Viking jersey. God I hate the Lions.

Back To School

I've got some bad news. Yesterday I started my second year of law school. Which means that my posting will become increasingly erratic over the next couple of weeks as I try to make time from the hundreds of thousands of millions of pages of reading that will be assigned early in the semester. I'm sure by the end of September I will have quit trying to keep up with my studies and be posting about the Tigers clinching the Central Division (fingers crossed). To commemorate my return to school I was going to list all of the different people and things that I hate about law school but to do so would would take too long and fill too many libraries with material. Anyways I'm sure I'll hear people say "slippery slope" 1,840,609 times between now and the first week of December, watch on in amazement as people nod their heads in agreement with EVERYTHING the professor says over the course of two hours, and turn my brain off when someone raises their hands, (99% of the time fat, older women) and say "I've got a question that will stir the pot a little and get some discussion started." And then they'll ask about some hot button issue from 15-30 years ago, i.e. prayer in school, gender equality, or the pros and cons of Prohibition. Ugh. No, lady, stop. Put your ham hock down and stop asking questions. Please. The only thing that will allow me to keep a modicum of sanity is I'm taking a Sports and the Law class which seems generally interesting because there are case names like Rose v. Giamatti and Boston Celtics v. Brian Shaw instead of U.S. v. Public Utilities Commission. So hopefully I'll find time to update this site in the next few days andd not get completely bogged down in reading.

Top Five Sports Video Game Countdown # 4

My Madden '07 playing has been curtailed lately due to a catastrophic injury I suffered when I burned my left thumb by inadvertently placing it on a piping hot George Foreman Grill. Burning your left thumb is the equivalent of a torn ACL when it comes to video game playing as its nearly impossible to control the direction of my players or effectively run the ball. So while recuperating I thought I would take the time to continue my countdown of the top 5 sports video game of all time. Continuing with...........

#4 PGA Tour Golf II Sega Genesis.

I know when I began this countdown I said I was only going to limit it to games from the major pro sports and not include fringe games dealing with beach volleyball, cliff diving, or martial arts tournaments being held in alternate universes, that being said I am going to include golf........grudgingly. Personally I hate golf.....loathe it. I've never been good at it and never cared enough about it to try to get better. The two things that hinder me the most while attempting to play golf are 1: a complete lack of coordination, and 2: an equally lacking sense of focus and concentration. My swing is an absolute nightmare to watch and my old roommate Mike, who owns/works at a golf course, has attempted to help me work on my swing in an attempt to help me embrace the game of golf but he usually quits in frustration after about five minutes. Even if I do get a halfway decent swing going, in the time between starting my backswing and making contact with the ball I'm already so bored with the game that I either top the ball/slice the hell out of it/or most commonly fail to make contact at all.

The only thing more boring then playing golf is watching it on television. 98% of professional golfers are 5'6 135 pound conservative, boring douchebags, the kind of people who would find Rick Reilly funny and would have no chance of playing any other sport with the possible exception of men's gymnastics or figure skating. The other 2% are foreigners ranging from the freakishly tall and boyish South Africans (Els, Goosen) to the obese and surly Englishmen (Montgomerie). So one might ask, if you hate golf so much how could you possibly enjoy a video game simulating golf? Because PGA Tour Golf II achieves the impossible, it actually makes the sport fun.

I was introduced to this game about ten years after it came out while playing it a friend of mines apartment. Like all games that make this list, the first time I played it quickly devolved into a 12 hour marathon that didn't end until after the sun had come up the next morning. The penultimate moment of that first marathon session was when my roommate Mike and friend Bill were wrapping up a 72 hole tournament, from which I had long been eliminated, and heading into the final hole tied. Mike had the honors and hit a full power shot down the middle of the fairway about 300 yards, which led to much bragging and yelling on Mike's part. Bill followed with a solid drive and they were both on the green in two shots facing long birdie putts. Mike lined up his putt from about 45 feet and places it within a few feet of the cup for an easy par and potential playoff. Bill then lined his putt up from about 42 feet out on a green that was going up and down and breaking right and left and stroked it. As soon as it left the putter you knew it was good and thats when Bill delivered this dagger to Mike's heart. With no change in emotion and in a voice calm enough to creep out Hannibal Lecter he said, "Drive for show, putt for dough." as the ball dropped into the cup on its final turn and as Mike sat there more stunned then Greg Norman at the 1997 Masters. Easily the greatest shit talking moment witnessed during my lifetime.

This game also gets major bonus points for helping get me through numerous classes while attending State thanks to the gift of emulation as well as featuring hints and tips on how to best approach the upcoming hole from horribly pixelated (?) images of golfers such as a confused looking Walrus named Craig Stadler a smug and satisfied Fred Couples and a completely irrelevant Tommy Armour III. They would always point out the most obvious things about the course such as, "watch out for the sandtraps to the right of the green" an area that encompassed nearly 3/4 of the screen, or "winds can make this whole tricky" as a hurricane force gale wind would be blowing across the course. The great gameplay and numerous other quirks are what makes PGA Tour Golf II the best golf game and # 4 sports game ever.

Tiger's To Reward Loyal Fan Base

Dateline Detroit: Impish Pizza baron Mike Ilitch emerged from his cave today after years of self imposed seclusion during the summer months over the embarrassment and shame he felt in overseeing the disintegration of one of baseball's proudest franchises into a laughingstock during his 14 year reign as the franchises principal owner. With his team relevant for the first time since Whitney Houston's infectious smash hit "I Wanna Dance with Somebody" provided a perfect soundtrack for a magical Tigers team that featured Tiger icons Alan Trammell, Jack Morris and Dave Bergman some 19 seasons ago, Mr. Ilitch scheduled a press conference for Wednesday afternoon to be held at Comerica Park.

From a conference room inside Comerica, with the shades drawn to prevent Mr. Ilitch from bursting into flames from exposure to sunlight. The cloistered elderly Tigers owner entered the room to the sounds of complete silence. The temperature in the conference room dropped several degrees and became overwhelmed with the pungent scent of grease and pepperoni as Mr. Caesar himself strode toward the podium, cleared his throat for over 12 minutes before speaking in a voice barely above a breathless whisper.

"As you may know The Tigers have been slightly below average over the past two decades." Mr. Ilitch said. "However the fans in Detroit are some of the best fans in the world, as exemplified by their blind devotion to the Detroit Lions, owned by my close friend and fellow vampire/Republican/industry magnate Bill Ford and I would like to reward them for their undeserved support."

Mr. Ilitch paused and motioned for a young, gangly, yet strikingly handsome man named Andrew to join him onstage.

"This is Andrew, a college student with an irregular heartbeat caused by my pizzas, thousands of dollars in student loan debt, and barely enough money to dress respectably, as shown by him wearing a t-shirt today that illustrates a shark eating a kitten..........(mmm, I havent eaten a kitten in awhile), who filled my coffers attending games during a 119 loss season, purchased $8 beers in an attempt to get drunk enough to enjoy a day at the park with my often inept Detroit Nines playing a game of Rounders, and spent $25 on T-shirt jersey's of "stars" like Matt Anderson, Damion Easley, and Rondell White. For him and all the fans like him, I want to reward them by not increasing the price of Tigers tickets if they reach the post-season." Ilitch stated.

The crowd was stunned as Mr. Ilitch showed generosity for the first time since his revolutionary announcement of a $5 Hot & Ready pizza. Andrew stood dumbfounded searching for something to say.

"And," Mr. Ilitch continued, "I'm going to present the first two tickets to my young, handsome, (did I mention I.....he's handsome) friend here."

The owner dug into his pocket and instead of producing tickets brandished a fork. "Ahhhhhh!!!!" a shrill, feminine cry was heard and Andrew fell to the ground with the fork protruding from his eye. With the quickness of a cat Mr. Ilitch lept over Andrew's body and procured his wallet, emptying its contents into his own pockets. BOOM!! The room was rocked as a strategically timed smoke bomb exploded, disorienting the crowd, as Ilitch was whisked away to his lair by devoted underling Randy Smith. Banners then unfolded from the ceiling revealing a pricing plan that had increased playoff ticket prices fivefold as mandated by the Supreme Overlord of baseball himself Bud Selig, before stormtroopers orderly marched in and dispersed the crowd.

O.K. I'm not going to pretend to know where that came from although I might have been influenced by Ken Burns documentary on Baseball, part of which I watched this evening, and none of these events happened.........obviously other than the announcement of the ticket increases, which I learned about in the Detroit News via Deadspin. The increase is just another example of Major League Baseball's need to suck the fun and goodwill out of their sport and attempt to further alienate an already disenchanted fan base. God I hate MLB.

Top Five Sports Video Game Countdown # 5

I'm going to begin this post with another apology. I'm sorry for the lack of updates over the past week but I've been very busy with getting prepared for school, attending to birthdays, and my closest friend Kevin, whom I've known since I was 6, step-father passed away this week. All of these events made it nearly impossible for me to find the time to write a post, (also sleeping in until 3 P.M. and acquiring and watching the entire Simpsons Season 8 DVD's didn't help either.) and for this I apologize to the one person who reads this site.

Every red-blooded, virile, American male born since 1980 eagerly awaits with bated breath and sweaty palms for the end of August. Why? A hysterical woman might ask. For the Montrose, Michigan Annual Blueberry Festival? Certainly not. Rather the excitement is over the release of the latest installment of EA Sports Madden NFL Football. An event so magnificent that it nearly balances out the soul crushing experience of having to go back to school the following week. And if you can't relate to the reverential terms I'm using to describe the Madden series, well.....I just don't know who you are anymore. Anyways to honor/celebrate the release of the new Madden game and to shatter any idea that I have/had any semblance of a social life I'm going to count down my Top 5 favorite sports video games of all-time, (and to avoid talking about the suddenly free falling Tigers, but I'm not going to panic........ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod, ohmigod). I'm limiting this list to the major pro sports, so if you have an e-mail or comment about how great Ivan "Ironman" Stewarts Off-Road was or how I overlooked the brilliance of Kings of the Beach save it. So without further adieu The List.

#5 NHLPA '93 Sega Genesis

My first memory of playing NHL '93 was when I was ten years old and staying the night at my friend Greg's house. Greg's stepdad had made the trip to the local video store and rented a game to prevent a couple of energetic ten year olds from interfering with his plans of getting blind drunk and watching Mrs. Doubtfire. Needless to say it worked as Greg and I played the game for the next 12 hours matching the Detroit Red Wings v. The Chicago Blackhawks in a best of 165 series. To say that this was a transcendent game, which appealed to everyone regardless of race, gender, religion or sexual orientation would be a gross understatement. For example my friend Greg, whom I spent my first several hours playing this game with grew up to be a homosexual Wiccan, (I only wish I were joking about that), and when I've run into him over the years during......... I mean between, rave party orgies and brushing up on his Book of Shadows studies, he still talks about the game in hushed tones.

Anyways enough about my introduction to the brilliance of NHL '93, the key question is what made the game so great and since I'm no good at writing transition sentences, I'm going to list them numerically beginning with.......

1: The opening music which was so shrill and grating that it made your ears bleed and you were forced to listen to it for at least 10 seconds as the game scrolled through a list of programmers and producers. It's impossible to describe how horrendous this music was but I'll try. Imagine if John Tesh's magnificent NBA on NBC theme was played by deaf retarded chimps on synthesizers, and produced by Satan, Pol Pot, and Ty Cobb, then multiply that by 100x and your almost there.

2: The unstoppable force of Jeremy Roenick. Some guys are so ridiculously good in a video game that playing with them isnt even a challenge, such as Michael Vick in any Madden game, Terry Pendelton in RBI '93 and David Fulcher in Tecmo Super Bowl. Jeremy Roenick is better than all of them. He's nearly impossible to knock down, lays devastating checks, is the fastest guy on the game, and if you really make him mad he'll beat the hell out of you. He was so devastating that my friends imposed a temporary ban on the Blackhawks to keep the game competitive.

3: The Deke Move. Approach the goal hit left right left and plant the puck top shelf. My friend T.J. has mastered this move to a point that elite goalies like Ed Belfour and Patrick Roy look like run of the mill Peter Sidorkiewiczs'. The one man in Saskatoon with internet access is nodding his head knowingly at that last statement.

4. Fighting and blood on the ice. The NHL didn't approve of this aspect of the game and it disappeared from the NHL series for the next several years even though it was arguably the most exciting part of the game. My friends and I have vivid memories of some of the most classic fights including the complete destruction of Bob Probert (played by my friend Kevin) at the hands of Bob Bassen (me) a fight that quickly turned into the final scene of Rocky IV and had real life implications cementing my friend Kevin's status as a pretty boy. The fighting also allowed the player to administer some frontier justice as nothing was more satisfying than seeing Theo Fleury sliding on his back towards the boards as blood spilled out of his skull, especially after he had lit you up for a triple hat trick and you were losing 11-3 and you were so goddamn frustrated that you thought your head was going to EXP........ok, ok I'm calmed down.

Are You Ready For Some Foot........Not Yet....Oh, O.K.

I'm hitting the wall. For the first time in the fifteen years that I've been a diehard sports fan and took a personal interest in how teams and players were doing instead of just rooting for whoever my dad was cheering for the Tigers are relevant in August instead of being buried in April. Of course this means that the Tigers will be commanding my interest heading into football season, which in past seasons was about the time my interest in the Tigers would begin to wane dramatically. So that means that I and a lot of other fans will have a lot on my plate as a Detroit fan over the next few months between the Tigers playoff race, Michigan and Lions football, and the beginning of what should be another promising Pistons season. Hello Academic Probation.

Speaking of the Lions my dad has been a season ticket holder since 1981 and for all that money he's spent over the years he's got to see one playoff victory and that was fifteen years ago. But everyone knows about this franchises inaptitude and I've had the privilege (?) to attend nearly 90% of the Lions games over the past fifteen years, although I did miss the playoff game, ranging from the cold/bleak/depressing, Silver Dome to the state-of-the-art Ford Field where the team has won barely 25% of their games since the place opened. I got a sideline view of the brilliance that was Barry Sanders and suffered through.........well everything but Barry Sanders. Tonight was the Pre-season opener for the Lions and once again I was in attendance with my Dad ready to kickoff my sixteenth season of disappointment and wasted Sunday afternoons. My dad and I were far from interested in this meaningless preseason game wishing instead to watch the Tigers and Justin Verlander take on the ChiSox on the South Side but we couldn't even give the tickets away. We would have probably had an easier time giving away syphilis then finding someone who wanted to attend a Friday night Lions exhibition game. (Speaking of not having a life, not only did I attend the Friday night game with my dad, I'm also spending the same Friday night blogging about it on a site no one reads. *Sobbing*) O.K. I'm rambling so I'll get to the point. Here are five observations from inside tonights game.

1. I noticed immediately that Glenn Martinez, the practice squad receiver, who supposedly developed a rapport with Joey Harrington last season which led to his appearance in a few games wearing #12 last season was wearing #84 tonight, which means one of two things. A: He received a traditional receiver number because he has a legitimate chance of making the team, or B: He stumbled across an old Herman Moore jersey at the Salvation Army and paid the twenty dollars to have his name screened on the back. Both equally likely scenarios.

2. Josh McCown, who bears a frightening resemblance to Ivan Drago, (or an overmuscled and less gay Tab Hunter, whichever your more comfortable with) made his Lions debut in the beginning of the third quarter and they posted his statistics from last season as having 9 TDS and 110 INT's!!!!! 110 INT's welcome to Detroit Mr. McCown we always try to make the players look good. Hopefully that was a typographical error and not a bit of foreshadowing on the part of the Lions JumboTron, which has been known for such things. Like who can forget last season when it famously showed the video of my future demise, (Ninja Attack......no surprise there), and when it showed the day robots will rule the earth a la Terminator-2, but I digress.

3. With tickets being ridiculously expensive ($70 dollars, preseason, yeah thats justifiable) and pricier and harder to get than when the Lions ruled the Silver Dome the rowdy whitetrash that used to patrol the Upper Level has been priced out of the action. Personally I missed them, there was nothing more exciting then seeing a bare knuckle brawl involving 4 balding mullet coiffed guys wearing faded Chris Spielman jerseys. Now you get 30 something guys and their bimbo wives/girlfriends/mistresses, screaming at inappropriate times. Although tonight I got to sit next to an old-school Silver Dome fan wearing a Stephen Boyd jersey and a permanent Kool-Aid moustache and it was fun unfortunately rare. It was like getting to watch a game with Paleolithic Man.

4. One of the highlights of the night was watching the game with my dad, and not for your typical sappy reason. My dad always goes to bed early usually falling asleep on the couch at about 9 an almost always out cold by 10:30. So as the night went on he became increasingly disheveled and incoherent. His shirt came untucked, his hair frazzled, he was mispronouncing names and coming up with new ones. He was calling Tatum Bell, Taco Bell and laughing to himself for minutes afterwards. By the time we left he probably would have failed a sobriety test, AND HE DIDN'T EVEN DRINK A BEER. An all-around excellent performance on his part tonight.

5. Chuckles Rogers looked faster and sleeker then he ever has. Sure he only had 1 catch for 7 yards on a little screen pass that was straight out of the Michigan playbook. He also had that ridiculous false start where he tried to maintain his balance before falling off to the side like he was having a seizure. This of course got him lustily booed and probably deservedly. But personally, I don't think he deserved the booing. I'm pulling for Charlie Rogers. Like I've written before I was in high school when he was dominating the Saginaw Valley Conference in High School and was at State when he had his incredible season, so I've been able to follow his career since he was about 16. I like Rogers because he seems like a generally nice guy, he's just stupid. I know thats harsh but its true and I'm glad to see it looks like he finally got his stuff together enough to get in the best shape of his life and start over with the new staff, which is more then what fatass petulant Mike Williams has done. So here's hoping Rogers makes it, even if he won't ever be a superstar at lest as a serviceable receiver. And I know this is going to look really dumb when he gets his year long weed suspension in Week 6.

Tigers Win.............Again

The other day I was talking to a friend of mine and he asked whether it was easier or harder to maintain a blog about the Tigers during a wildly successful season, and the answer I gave was it's harder, much, much harder. It's been infinitely more exciting/enjoyable to watch a team thats winning nearly 68% of their games and are on pace for 108 victories, BUT at the same time it's nearly impossible to write anything new about their sustained success through the first 2/3rds of their schedule. There has been no controversy, no major injuries, no heartbreak, and no disappointment. (I know I just jinxed the team by writing that last sentence, tomorrow Pudge will probably demand a permanent move to first base, Verlander and Guillen will go down with catastrophic injuries and they'll lose a nine game Central Division lead in three days. Sorry.) I just can't find myself getting worked up over the little bits of news that are coming out of the team since I last posted. Verlander misses a start as a way to limit his innings. Makes sense. Chris Shelton gets demoted to the minors to work out the kinks and to re-work his contract with the devil and have another hot streak for the last two months of the season. Justified. Even potentially sticky situations have worked out swimmingly. Dmitri Young comes out of re-hab and steps right into the lineup as a productive bat/defensive monster. Kenny Rogers turns in a months worth of poor starts and has Lynn Henning calling for his spot in the rotation to be replaced by has-been/never-was Chad Durbin because Willie Blair,(whose autograph actually decreases the value of that card from 5 to 3 cents) wasn't available and then Rogers comes out and delivers a solid start in yesterdays game against the Indians. Verlander misses his turn and Wil Ledezma turns in a stellar performance shutting a powerful Indians team out in his first big league start in over a year (remember I once compared Wil Ledezma to a young Pedro Martinez before the start of last season, which proves that I have no business writing about sports.) Even Jason Grilli.......wait no, Grilli still sucks, but you get my point.

Anyways this weekend the Tigers swept the Indians, the 11th time this season that they've accomplished such a feat, and it seemed as if they were toying with the Indians, seeing how far they could push themselves to the brink of losing and still come through triumphant. Friday night they fell behind big early before clawing back and winning in their last at-bat as Craig Monroe hit a two run homerun, which made my friend T.J. who doubles as the president of the Craig Monroe fan club even more insufferable. Saturday night Rogers got knocked around in the first inning putting the Tigers behind 3-0 before they even got a chance to bat before Pudge hit another 2-run homer to win with two outs in the bottom of the ninth inning. Followed by Ledezma and a gaggle of relievers combining for a 1-0 shutout today the 13th time this season that the Tigers have shut the opposition out and opening up a nine game lead over the White Sox, who won 2 of 3 against the Blue Jays this weekend and still lost ground. Ho-Hum. Now the Tigers enter a tough ten game stretch where they play nine games against the Twins, White Sox and Red Sox, which should be interesting as we face three teams contending for a playoff spot including two from our own division but probably won't be very interesting because I continue to expect them to do well regardless of the doom and decline that many naysayers still predict even though this team has proven itself through the first 110 games of the year. This is just a long way of explaining why I havent been posting much lately, I need poor play, and idiotic moves to build up the necessary amount of indignation to sit down and write/complain on this site or to make fun of a player/team. But I wouldnt trade this season for anything, it's great to not have anything to complain about with the team and not have any gripes with the performance of the players.......( not so fast Mr. Grilli. ) and if that comes at the expense of having nothing to write about so be it. And there is always Lions season.

Trade Deadline

Earlier today I went to the butcher to get my teeth cleaned. Technically it was a dentist but with how brutal the dental assistant was with my mouth and by the amount of blood my bib was soaked in afterwards the difference between the two is nominal. Most people I know actually enjoy going to the dentist which by their accounts is rather pain-free, pleasant and modern. However my dentist has a collection of saws and drills hanging on his walls that is more reminiscent of one of those torture rooms in "Hostel" than of a 21st century dentist office. Also I wonder where my dentist finds his assistants who tend to be normal looking women who also happen to have an icy detached persona with a dash of bloodlust. I bet if you dug through these assistants applications under influences you would find Josef Mengele and Dr. Giggles. Anyways in an effort to distract myself from the pain incurred from the dental assistant need to floss all the way to my jawbone and to sustain consciousness I started thinking of all the potential Tiger trades. For the first time I can ever remember the Tigers will be buyers at the trading deadline with the potential to acquire a bat that would fortify their lineup coming down the stretch and heading into the playoffs. Anyways here's a list of players that are rumored to be available before or at the trade deadline and my take on their potential to help/join the Tigers before the trade deadline this coming Monday.

1: Alfonso Soriano: I don't know why the Tigers are so adamant about adding Carlton Banks to their outfield mix.......what? OH......I'm thinking of Alfonso Ribeiro, moving on. Everyone knows the Tigers need a lefthanded bat who will help out against tough righthanders. Soriano doesn't satisfy this requirement but WHO CARES! He would add power and speed, (which this team is sorely lacking, it's so bad Carlos Guillen is leading the team in steals and you know Leyland would love to turn someone like Soriano loose on the basepaths) and he would make an already dangerous Tigers lineup damn near unstoppable, and if (when) the Tigers made the playoffs Soriano has the most potential for a Carlos Beltran-esque post-season run where he ups his free agent value $20-$30 million dollars as a team like the Mets or Yankees go crazy over him. So what's the problem here? Apparently Nats GM Jim Bowden emboldened by actually being praised for making a trade (see: Kearns/Lopez for 2 middle relievers) is asking for the sun and the moon from the Tigers wanted Toledo ace Humberto Sanchez (who Im not opposed to dealing), some Double A guy whose name I'm not even going to pretend to know how to pronounce (Jair Jurrgens?) and Cameron Maybin (No F-ing way!) No way the Tigers give up Maybin who has the potential to be a Soriano type outfielder for the Tigers for the next 10 years, at least no way they give him up for a two month rental. So unless the price comes down big time (NO MAYBIN!), I don't see the Tigers making this deal. With Maybin 0%, without Maybin 30%

2: Carlos Lee: Apparently the Tigers had an interest in acquiring Lee when he became available on the market after the Brewers decided they didn't believe they had a chance to contend this season. He seemed like a logical choice to join the Tigers considering he would provide as much power as Soriano and probably come at a cheaper price. However this is a moot point now because during the time that I fell asleep last night and woke up this morning the Brewers made their decision and enacted upon it trading him almost immediately to the Texas Rangers. Whatever. Chances 0%

3. Bobby Abreu: Finally a left handed bat on this list. However Abreu comes with a bit of a caveat because he doesnt hit righties particularly well. He's also on the hook for about $150 million dollars over the next year and a half as well as potentially controlling his destination/holding out for an extension because of his no trade clause. Although he showed during last years Homerun Derby that the confines of Comerica Park wouldnt be a problem, as long as hes hitting BP fastballs, hes probably entering the downside of his career with a lot of cash still owed to him if he got his extension. Chances 5%.

4. Raul Ibanez: Ibanez reminds me of Lou Diamond Phillips and thats a bad thing. I've never liked Lou Diamond Phillips because I hated the Young Guns movies and my friend Nick and I sat through over 90 minutes worth of his awful 1994 movie Dangerous Touch because HBO warned us of Strong Sexual Content and Nudity that never came, but I digress. I do like Ibanez though, he crushes right handed pitching and plays a solid leftfield, plus he's locked into a reasonable 2 year $10 million dollar deal which allows some flexibility not to mention he put together a solid RBI run for my fantasy team. Problem with Ibanez is he probably won't be available because the A.L. West is pathetic and even though the Mariners have a losing record they are only 4 games out of the playoffs. Chances 1.8 %.

5. Shawn Green/Luis Gonzalez. Neither of these guys provide much pop anymore and they are a combined 147 years old. However they both hit righthanders at a .300 plus clip. Shawn Green would easily be the greatest Jewish player to wear a Tigers uniform since Hank Greenberg supplanting Al Levine and.........uh......Charlie Maxwell (?). Also Luis Gonzalez could probably be had for next to nothing, given his advanced age and the numerous young prospects the D-Backs have namely Carlos Quentin. The Tigers might be able to get Gonzalez for the ghost of Karim Garcia and 2 years worth of HGH........oh right they got rid of Grimsley.
Chances 15%

6. Jeromy Burnitz. No. Next.

7. Dave Delucci/Tom Gordon. Personally I think Delucci would be the perfect fit. He absolutely destroys right handed pitching, hitting over .330 with an OPS of over 1.000 and he's not a big enough star to bitch about playing in a limited/platoon role at DH or the outfield. He reminds me of a more consistent better hitting John Vander Wal, which is a good thing.......I think. The other Phillie that might be available if they decide to start dumping salary and going young is Tom Gordon. I know the Tigers bullpen has been one of their many strengths this season but adding another power arm like Gordons would make them nearly unhittable. I can't imagine being able to pick from Gordon, Zumaya, Rodney, Walker, and Jones. The starters would theoretically only have to be good for 2 innings a night and we would be almost guaranteed a victory. You can never have to much bullpen help as exemplified by the 2003 Marlins who made a deadline deal to acquire closer/arsonist/maniac Ugie Urbina. Gordon would also give us a more reliable option in case Jones decides to have another 2 week meltdown in late September/October. Chances Delucci 25% Gordon 3.7%

8: The Tigers do nothing. This is the most likely scenario. Most people will argue that you don't want to mess with a team thats winning at a .670 clip. That Dmitri Young will be the left handed bat we need and he'll go back to being the old Meat Hook now that he's joined the Women's Christian Temperance Union (although I don't fully trust him yet I think he's a couple of weeks away from hooking an IV of Natural Light to his veins). That our starting pitching won't falter and will only improve with a fresh Mike Maroth rejoining the rotation in August. That our bullpen will continue to shut down opposing offenses and protect close/late leads, and that its not worth mortgaging the long term future of the franchise for one shot at glory. To these people I say............your probably right. Chances Tigers stand pat: 85%

Tigers-White Sox Series Re-cap

After spending an inordinate amount of time making minor changes to my Myspace profile, (by the way feel free to add me as a friend, especially if your under the age of 16 and need a ride/alcohol and don't mind the fact that I drive a mid-80's Chevy Suburban with a futon mattress in the back.........hold on Stone Phillips and Dateline just came crashing through my front window), I decided that I was calmed down and rational enough to describe THE THRASHING THE DETROIT TIGERS HANDED THOSE NO TALENT ASS CLOWN SOUTH-SIDERS, WHAT'S THAT CHICAGO? I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THIS INSURMOUNTABLE 5.5 GAME LEAD.

O.k., maybe I havent calmed down but if I don't write this post right now at 3:00 A.M. I'll have forgotten 90 % of what my friend Bill said and won't be able to use his words as my own. Oh no I've said to much, on to the post.

Regardless of how much Jim Leyland, (who is so amazing I'm beginning to believe that he is a direct descendant of Jesus Christ) tried to downplay this series, anybody who has followed the Tigers through the dark years knew this was the biggest three game set for this team in at least fifteen years. So with all the excitement surrounding this team and in front of a sold out crowd that was ready to explode in orgasmic fits of jubilation should the home team win the triumphant Tigers took the field..........and completely crapped the bed. The Tigers put together a bunch of weak swings off the entirely hittable Jon Garland, Nate Robertson looked completely overmatched against the heart of the Sox order (Thome, Konerko, and Dye), and the devil incarnate himself Joe Crede hit his 461st career homerun against the Tigers. By the 7th inning I was scouring Yahoo! sports looking for left handed bats the Tigers could trade for and trying to make theoretical deals for Raul Ibanez. Driving around later that night I listened to three consecutive callers on Fox Sports Radio talk about how the Tigers were going to fade including one guy from Boston with the most obnoxious accent I've ever heard say he hoped Detroit made the wild card so that the BoSox would be guaranteed a spot in the ALCS.

Wednesday night started out promising for Detroit with the Tigers sending their ace Jeremy Bonderman out to the mound, where he struck out the first three guys he faced. However the Tigers offense still couldn't get anything going against another righty this time Javier Vasquez. Bonderman let up two solo shots to Crede (#462) and Juan Uribe, the Tigers had two hits and I'm becoming delusional trying to talk myself into believing that Dmitri Young is the left handed bat we need while writing a letter in my own blood to Mr. Dombrowski, that cryptically only says "TRADE FOR BOBBY!" That's when the rally started with a series of four straight singles to score a run and load the bases. After Thames grounded into a fielders choice, The Mighty Craig Monroe came up. After getting a steady diet of breaking balls Vasquez threw one more and this one hangs a little to much. Crack, GRAND SLAM! As soon as it left the bat I knew it was gone and jumped off the couch ran out of the living room (my house also has a dying room but there is no cable in there only trapped souls), awaking my dad from a stupor and by running outside to howl at the moon. Just like that the momentum in the series shifted and the Tigers held on to win 5-2.

With the game televised on ESPN Thursday I came down "sick" and had to stay home to watch it. As punishment I had to listen to the inane ramblings of Steve Phillips a man who makes Rod Allen sound like an Ivy League professor. This was a big game for not only the Tigers but for Kenny Rogers who hasn't been sharp in his last half dozen starts or so. Rogers came out and pitched great, save for a fourth inning jam where he loaded up the bases, considering he was going up against the best offense in baseball. The game was tied at one heading into the seventh when Marcus Thames made what was arguably the biggest play of the series, even more so than Monroes grand slam. With Thames on first Monroe hit a ground ball to Crede that looked like a potential double play. Crede threw to Iguchi at second when Thames comes barreling in knocking Iguchi ass-over-teakettle ( I dont know what that means ) therefore preventing the double play. The next batter, Chris Shelton, comes up and smoked one to deep left center which fell perfectly between Podsednik and Anderson allowing Monroe to come around from first to score what would be the deciding run. Joel Zumaya continued to pitch amazing after correcting his problem of pitching somewhere between the mound and first base, and made Steve Phillips pull an about face regarding his insane Smoltz-Zumaya deal he had been touting on Basebal Tonight. Really? Should we listen to a guy who traded for a 600 pound Mo Vaughn? Zumaya ended his appearance with a strikeout of Bezelbulb Crede, which he punctuated with yelling and a fist pump much to the delight of lifelong Tiger fans Tom Hanks and Ron Howard (Wait, WTF were these assholes doing there? Their lucky I love The Money Pit so much or I'd really be hysterical.) Jones worked a 1-2-3 ninth and the Tigers won the game and the series 2-1.

I realize it's still July, and the Tigers were probably a little brash and arrogant for winning a series with 65 games left, with the Zumaya histrionics and the Monroe/Pierzynski bump, but they are young, having fun, playing in front of a town thats crazy about them and coming out in droves to support them and most of these guys know the pain and embarrassment of being one of the worst teams in baseball HISTORY, especially Monroe, Robertson and Inge and personally as a fan who comes from a generation that doesnt really remember the last time they were winning much less relevant to the playoff picture I'm loving every second of it.

The Authoritative Detroit Tigers Mid-Season Report Vol. 2 Pitcher's Edition

Wrapping up the mid season report that I started over a week ago, (I grade my effort a solid D) I'm going to hand out the grades for the pitching staff.

Kenny Rogers: Rogers first half was nothing short of spectacular culminating in being selected to start the All-Star game since "Wabash" George Mullin in nineteen aught-nine. Now I know it hasn't been that long since a Tiger started the All-Star game (Jack Morris 1985) but it seems like it. So far I've enjoyed Rogers pitching, for some reason I have a greater appreciation for older, crafty pitchers who rely on changing speeds and tossing junk than I do watching guys who thrive on how naturally filthy their stuff is. The one downside to the Rogers era is Jim Price's need to refer to Rogers as "The Professor" approximately 5,729 times a game. I'm also concerned about Rogers ability to pitch as well as he has going forward as he has perennially been a better first half pitcher especially in recent seasons. Regardless I'm grading only the first half. Grade: B.

Jeremy Bonderman: At the beginning of the year I wrote that I was a little down on Jeremy Bonderman and thought that he had probably leveled off as a pitcher. Statements like this just go to prove that I am a complete idiot who has no business writing about sports but as long as its free and as long as I have time on my hands no one will be able to stop me, and even then I'm still way more qualified to do this than Rob Parker. Anyways Bonderman has arguably been the best pitcher on the staff this year and is coming off an amazing June where he posted a 1.77 ERA over five starts and unleashed a slider that was practically unhittable. Grade: A-

Justin Verlander: Wow. I had tempered my expectation before the season started and thought Verlander would struggle a little in his first full season in the big leagues. Well after another masterful performance against the Royals tonight Verlander is sitting third in the A.L in ERA behind Liriano, and Lackey and leads is second in wins with 11. When was the last time a minor leaguer with hype panned out for the Tigers? Torey Lovullo? Greg Gohr? Cade Gaspar? Eric Munson? Randy Smith has forever ruined any faith I have in the word prospect but Verlander/Zumaya are slowly changing that. Grade: A+

Nate Robertson: After a rocky first couple of starts that had me calling for his spot in the rotation, Robertson has pitched amazingly well. He still seems to start in an inordinate amount of games that I attend as he's started three of the seven Ive been to so far. Also he's lining Jim Bouton's pockets by chewing 100 pouches of Big League Chew thus providing the inane Mario Impemba another reason to get a raging semi other than looking at Rod Allen's curvaceous body. Where were we? Grade: B

Mike Maroth: I feel bad for Maroth. He went out and got his brains beat in for four straight years especially as the overmatched "ace" of the 2003 season where he got the stigma of being the first 20 game loser in the five man rotation era. And then when the Tigers finally get good wit Maroth pitching well he goes and gets injured. Grade: B

Zach Miner: Miner has been a saving grace for the Tigers. At the time of the Maroth injury it appeared the Tigers had a major hole to fill at the back of the rotation. I thought we would be subjected to Roman Colon beatdowns every fifth day or get real desperate and sign Jose Lima to fill out the rotation and just outright concede every fifth game. Then out of nowhere Miner who spawned out of the same primordial ooze that gave us Chris Shelton and Toxie starts his career at a 6-1 clip with a 2.57 ERA as well as some insurance should Maroth not be ready to pitch effectively in a pennant race. Grade: A

Joel Zumaya: Zumaya has been spectacular in his first season in the majors as arguably the most dominant middle relief pitcher in the game, averaging well over a K an inning. He's also the most exciting pitcher the Tigers have had coming out of the pen since the immortal and MTMO favorite Matt Anderson. It will be interesting to see if Zumaya will become a closer in the future or move into the rotation. Grade: A.

Fernando Rodney: Rodney has been wildly inconsistent. He is nearly unhittable as evidenced by his .187 BAA but when his mechanics are off he's more wild than (insert metaphor) and let me tell you that's wild. It's getting late. Grade: B

Todd Jones: Just typing his name gives me chills. The problem with Jones, other than the fact that he sucks, is that I can't escape him. The other night I had a dream that I was living in a huge apartment with nice furniture AND I was dating Mandy Moore and it was all ruined by Todd Jones blowing a save. Honest to God this happened. Todd Jones is turning into my version of Freddy Krueger. If I'm found in my sleep screaming "He walked in the winning run!!!!" before gasping for air and dying you know who's responsible. Grade: D-

Chris Spurling: He pitched o.k. but hopefully his big #48 pendant goes on sale on eBay in a couple of months Grade: D+

Fredo Ledezma: Before last season I wrote he was the second coming of Pedro Martinez. I was obviously wrong, but I'm happy to see him back with the Tigers and he's pitched well in limited duty so far. Grade: I.

Jamie Walker: My friend Bill said that when a team is destined to have a magical season it seems as though they get career years from average players. So when you look back on that team twenty years from now on baseball-reference.com you can say things like "Holy Hell Jamie Walker had a 1.70 ERA in 60 appearances that year, how'd that happen at 35 no less."
Grade: A.

Jason Grilli: Grilli's numbers are solid but for some reason I hate him. Maybe its from the three straight bases loaded walks against Boston and for the fact that he made himself out to be a hero for getting Albert Pujols out in a win over the Cardinals, or in other words for doing his job. Grade: C.

The Authoritative Tigers Mid-Season Report

I am in the midst of my 18th summer "vacation", the glorious three months where there are no classes to worry about, exams to take, or papers to write, and until the past two summers when I've worked off and on at my Dad's law office, summer consisted of sleeping in until 4 P.M. followed by 16 consecutive hours of consecutive video game playing.........needless to say three very lonely months. There always seemed to be one predominant summer theme for each summer, one thing that would define those three months and allow me to immediately recall the events of that year. For example I've had the Summer of BMX, the Summer of Mailbox Smashing (My hometown is small and boring when your 16), the Summer of Goldeneye 64, the Summer of 119 losses, and who can forget the Summer of Hate Crimes (It's also boring here when you're 8), ah good times indeed. But this summer has been entirely different. What I was hoping would be Andy's Summer of Sexy Parties, has turned into the Summer of Ill Health and Disappointment. First it was a battle with German Measles (seriously), followed by a disastrous Pistons playoff run, followed by a heart problem that went from benign, to potentially serious, back to relatively benign with medication, to finally Ben Wallace spurning the Pistons and signing with the Bulls. The one thing thats kept me happy for every day this summer is the continued stellar play of the Detroit Tigers who coming up on the All-Star Break have the best record in baseball (!!!!!) and are poised to make the playoffs for the first time since 1987. Had the Tigers been in the midst of another 100 loss season I would probably be locked in my room writing a play starring Viceroy Fizzlebottom and wearing dark eye liner. But enough of the melodramatic nonsense, its time to grade your 2006 Detroit Tigers. For a look at my ridiculous season preview click here and here. Enjoy.

Owner: Mike Ilitch. After another disappointing playoff exit by the Red Wings, Mr. Ilitch has been more public in his ownership with the Tigers and reveling in the teams early success, a great improvement over the brooding, reclusive, snippy owner he was when the team was a national embarrassment losing 119 games a season. Mr. Ilitch even did an interview in natural light without turning into dust during a Tigers pre-game show destroying my theory that he was a vampire, although he immediately feasted on John Keating after the interview was finished, so I have my doubts. My friend and I were also recently debating on who was the uglier owner/slash pizza entrepreneur Ilitch or Tom Monaghan, My friend said Monaghan but I'm going with Mr. Caesar myself. I was going to put their photos in here but Blogger won't let me upload right now anyways, here's their pictures. (Warning not for the feint of heart, wait, that's me now glehghkghckkhkch.........I'm O.k.) Discuss. What? Right the Grade: B-, is it possible to be a bandwagon owner.........we'll find out this October.

Manager: Jim Leyland: Wow, Leyland has been absolutely amazing. As good as advertised. He makes all the right moves, and he always puts his team in the best possible position to win the game, which is really all you can ask of a manager. What's not to love about Leyland, from his managing skills, to his metal spikes and stirrups, to his chain smoking. If it made Leyland happy to stay in Detroit I'd let him put his cigarettes out on my arm, all sixty a day. Thats how much I love this man. Grade A+++++.

Catchers: Pudge Rodriguez: Pudge has returned to form this year already drawing as many walks this season as he did last year, which is only 11 still not a great total. He has cut out the petulant crybaby crap that helped poison the clubhouse last season, and he's starting in his 10th All-Star Game Tuesday night, as well as keeping up the spectacular defense. Will he ever post his pre-steroi......his power numbers from past years, probably not but if he hits .310 with 15 homers , 85 R.B.I and another Gold Glove I won't complain. Grade: B+

Vance Wilson: Holy crap the Tigers have a backup catcher hitting over .300, start storing bottled water and canned foods. Seriously has this ever happened. Even in the immediate Pre-Pudge dark days we couldn't field a starting catcher who hit over the Mendoza Line. All Hail the mysterious powers of the BluBlockers. Grade: A-

Infielders: Chris Shelton: Nothing has run hot and cold or abruptly lost water pressure faster than the shower at my apartment other than Chris Shelton this season. There are games where it looks like he's getting locked in for another insane streak, followed by an 0-4 with 3 K performance. However I'm still pleased with Shelton, I expected him to bat about .300 with 25 homers before the season and it appears as though he'll still fall in line with those numbers. Grade: B

Placido Polanco; His average is down quite a bit from last year and from what I expected heading into this season. He also hasn't provided the energy/spark that he provided after coming over for Uegeth last June. However he isn't sitting in a Venezuelan prison for setting his ranch hands on fire either, so I think its safe to say that trade worked in the Tigers favor. I would be lying though if I wrote that I wasnt slightly disappointed in Plinko's play right now. Grade: C+

Shortstop: Carlos Guillen: I'm glad to see what is arguably my favorite Tiger, (and yes I do argue about this with myself all the time) return to form after not being completely healthy at any point last season. His defense has been a little sloppy at times this season but he is on pace to bat .300 with 20 homers and nearly 100 RBIS making him one of the three most productive shortstops in all baseball, not to mention providing a little Latin swagger, i picture Guillen, Maggs, and Pudge dressing like Miami Vice cocaine dealers, with the pastels, shirt lapels over the suit, layers of gold chains, and having Ledezma, Santiago and Infante run the streets for them. Regardless Grade: A-

Brandon Inge: Inge is doing his best to emulate Rob Deer circa 1986 this season. He has all the Deer tools, low average, high strikeouts, good power, atrocious facial hair, supple skin, etc. He has also turned in some spectacular defensive plays, such as throwing out Gary Bennett, (who was running about as fast as Tony Pena with a refrigerator strapped to his back) from foul territory after a diving stop. Grade: B-

Outfield: Marcus Thames: Everyone who knew anything about baseball knew that Thames deserved to be on the team coming out of spring training last year, instead of that dirtbag Bobby Higginson. Everyone except Alan Trammell that is, which was a problem seeing as how he was the one with the final say in things. This season Thames finally got his chance and he's making the most of it with an exceptional season, slugging over 1.000 and tying for the team lead in homeruns. Grade: A +

Curtis Granderson: I'll admit that heading into the season I had reservations about Granderson. I had a a right to be nervous seeing as how centerfield had been a talent vortex in my time following the Tigers. I remember only the tail end of Chet Lemon's career, and remember mostly the Milt Cuyler, Brian Hunter, Gabe Kapler trifecta. I even compared Granderson to Kimera Bartee and openly pushed for Nook Logan to make the team as he was my favorite and most exiting player from the aught five Tigers. However I am a fool sometimes.........most of the time......o.k. always as Granderson has been fabulous so far, playing error free defense, providing pop at the top of the lineup and drawing a ton of walks not to mention scoring ass loads of runs for my fantasy team over a 3 week stretch. Grade A+

Magglio Ordonez: So far Maggs has put his injury questions to rest bouncing back with an All-Star season and giving the Tiger a potential 30 homer 120 RBI season they had hoped for and that seemed like pure fantasy following his first catastrophic season in Detroit. It's nice to see Ozzie Guillen recognize Maggs with an All-Star selection. My friend and I thought Magglio had no chance in hell of making the All-Star game after the tiff between the two last season. We thought Dan Pasqua had a better chance given Ozzie's inclination to pick White Sox. (Seriously Buehrle over Verlander?!?) Grade: B

Reserves: Craig Monroe: My friend T.J. still gets a raging semi- everytime Monroe comes to bat, and since I hate my friend T.J. Im inclined to hate Monroe, luckily he's making it easy for me, with his low average, lazy defense, and abysmal OBP. Monroe lost his job to Thames and has become the topic of trade rumors namely to the D-Rays for the equally crappy Aubrey Huff. Grade: C.

Omar Infante/Ramon Santiago: I wish there was a way to get Infante more playing time because it seems like he's fully recovered from the nagging injuries that kept him down last year, but this years Tigers team is to stacked for him to get anything consistent which is kind of a shame. Santiago on the other hand has given up all pretense of the fact that he may get a hit in any way other than bunting, as he's sporting a healthy .194 average. I feel bad for Santiago because if he had been born 20 years earlier he probably could've turned his slick fielding/no stick into a 15 year career in the mold of Rafael Belliard or Jose Lind. Grade: B

Dmitri Young: Question: What's higher Dmitri's Blood Alcohol Level, or his batting average? It's closer than you think as Dmitri is batting a pathetic .169, which is probably lower than he blows on your typical Wednesday afternoon. He also has almost as many missed court dates/stints in re-hab than RBI. If he comes back and gives any indication of the old Dmitri I'll be happy but I don't trust him, if anything I see him getting a short time to prove himself followed by being stashed on the bench, before signing a minor league deal with the Padres before next season. Grade F-

Alexis Gomez: Thames personal pinch runner/defensive replacement has been decent doing the things he does, whatever those are. I was in attendance at the game where he hit his first and quite possibly only career homerun. However I was in the bathroom at the time so I missed it, which is like the equivalent of taking a crap as Halley's comet goes by. Grade C+.

Ben Wallace

It's not everyday that a city loses two of its iconic sports figures within 12 hours but unfortunately for Detroit fans it happened today. First came Steve Yzerman's announcement that he was retiring after 23 years in Detroit, the last twenty as the captain. He helped lead the Wings to three Stanley Cups and was one of the top three players on NHLPA '93 for Genesis, only ranking behind Jeremy Roenick and Theo Fleury. I'm not going to pretend Yzerman's retirement effected me that much because personally I've never been a big hockey fan, but Yzerman has been playing at a high level for as long as I've been alive and I have to respect that.

However the news that broke later in the day and resonated with me on a lager level was the news that Ben Wallace had signed a free agent contract with the Chicago Bulls. I had been bracing for the news for some time now and even mentioned his potentially leaving for the Bulls in a previous post. Nevertheless it was still shocking to actually see scrolling across the Bottomline, "Ben Wallace agrees in principle to a deal with the Bulls." ESPN.com initially reported that Wallace had signed a 4 year $52 million which sent me into a near frenzy. The mere thought that Ben would leave for only $1 million more per season, (look at me write like $1 million dollars is nothing, if I had a million dollars to throw around I would be posting from a submarine right now.) I couldn't believe that he would turn his back on the Pistons, this starting five that was supposed to be like family, a team that was coming off back to back Finals appearances and another deep run into the playoffs for an extra million dollars a year to win 45 games with the Bulls and finish 3rd in the Central division. What a sell-out, what another money hungry selfish pro athlete. That's what I was going to write and then I heard that the deal was for 4 years $60 million and that........well that changed everything. First I could understand why Ben would take the money, it's a 3 million dollar a year difference and 12 million over the course of the contract, it was definitely his last big payday as he'll be 36 at the end of the deal and he probably has been underpaid during the course of his career, especially in his defensive prime. Second I could understand why the Pistons wouldn't match (if they were even given the chance) because Ben is going to be 36 at the end of the deal, he is already beginning to slip, was coming off a nightmare postseason, is a complete liability on the offensive end, and seemed to be increasingly petulant and unhappy in Detroit, a problem that began under Larry Brown and was exacerbated under Flip Saunders and highlighted by his refusal to re-enter a game against the Magic.

The man who came to Detroit in in the Grant Hill trade because the Magic didnt want to depart with the distinguished John Amaechi and became the face of the franchise and the most popular player for the Pistons since the original Zeke, Dumars, and Laimbeer will now ply his trade for a hated Central Division rival. What do I expect from Big Ben? Next year I think a motivated Ben will have a classic Ben season 8 points per game, 13 boards, 2.5 blocks, solid interior defense, and a potential 5th Defensive Player of the Year award 48 wins and a second round playoff exit, followed by a solid second season where his numbers begin to slip, followed by a precipitous decline in year three where he scores 3 points per game, to finally a trade to the Warriors to clear cap space playing 15 minutes a night backing up Ike Diogu and Andris Bierdins. Was this worth another couple of title runs with the best starting five in the league, having your jersey hang from the Palace rafters, and being loved and adored by an entire basketball crazed community/fanbase? I guess only Big Ben has the answer to that.

Finally what do the Pistons do? I think this is a blessing in disguise for the Pistons. Is it going to be gut-wrenching that first time Ben returns to the Palace in a Bulls uniform (as photoshopped on the always fabulous Need4sheed.)? Is it going to feel like something's missing during the intros, with no bell-ringing and no Ben jumping into the players? Am I going to miss him going 1-9 from the line in the 4th quarter and being intentionally fouled? Yes, Absolutely, and Hell No!!!!!!!! I think the Pistons move McDyess into the starting lineup where they'll lose.......well nothing, and they'll gain someone who is competent on offense. Rasheed will move to the five, and hopefully they'll be able to sign Bonzi Wells to the mid-level and still have room for Nucky Ratkins, with Carlos Delfino continually improving getting 20-25 minutes a game, and who can forget about the immediate contributions of Cheick Samb. Is that a team that wins 65 games? Am I asking to many questions? No and Yes. But still it could be enough to contend in the East and with the right pieces picked up through trades and such could surprise people. Would it still be nice to have Darko, who was traded away for the cap-space necessary to re-sign Ben, which means we passed on Carmelo, Bosh and DYWANE FUCKING WADE!! for 2 and a half season of Darko and Kelvin Cato's wasted cap space? Sure, but at the time Ben's re-signing was going to be a slam dunk. (No I'm not bitter what are you implying?)

Feeling the need to have some closing words for Ben, without running the risk of sounding overly sappy/emotional, reminiscing about the past but knowing that things will be better in the future without them, I will say the same words I chose when my roommate and I moved out after living together for four years. "It's been real, Ben."