Sunday, June 26, 2005

R.B.I. Baseball

I originally hail from a small town in Mid-Michigan named Clio. On my profile I have my town listed as Detroit but thats a little premature. I will be living in Detroit in about six weeks as I get ready to attend law school at Wayne State, but presently Im stuck in my hometown...........and I hate it. There is nothing to do here, and ninety eight percent of the population are hicks, I cant wait to move from here, hopefully for good. The only thing in Clio that keeps me entertained is force feeding my dog the crust of my chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts. Anyways when I move away I hope Detroit will offer me the chance to live a more interesting life, even if my social life doesnt pick up I can at least look forward to getting my car broken into/stolen or see bums fight over the privledge to sleep on a soiled mattress. Oh well, enough complaining about that.

I am going to break down one of the top five greatest games in the history of NES tonight, and probably over the course of the next couple of posts. The game of course is R.B.I. baseball. I was always a big fan of RBI 3 for NES and my friend Kevin and I would play this game for hours a day every day, especially during the summer, until we graduated from high school. Then one day he ruined everything by getting a job and a girlfriend and having "responsibilities." What a loser. Well this put me in a predicament because none of my friends necessarily cared for RBI 3, and I was so far advanced in the game, having played thousands of them, that I had a decided advantage over anyone who tried to challenge me, also playing the computer was out of the question because playing them, even on difficult, is the equivalent of playing a dog, or a retarded person. For anybody offended by the last remark, where I compared a dog to a retarded person, Im sorry, and you probably dont want to get me started on my feelings regarding wheelchair "basketball", and yes the quotes are there for a reason. My friends Josh and Bill simultaneously clued me in on the magnificence of the original RBI, a game I had owned for quite some time but had never really played because I hated the fat players, I mean couldnt they show some self control and not eat so much, and the fact that you couldnt dive for ground balls, an important feature in RBI 3 because it allowed you to rub every ground ball out into your opponents face by making unnecessary dives, resulting in an automatic instant replay. However after a few games of the original RBI I was hooked, and now me and Josh play regularly as Kevin is stuck in his own private hell known as a Relationship. Anyways even though I am a relative newcomer to the original, I believe I have played enough to have the authority to write a comprehensive guide breaking down the important parts of the game. First off let it be known that Josh Bill and I play by the normal rules of baseball, not the common feed everything straight down the middle and mash rule, therefore pitchers and light hitters with wheels are valued as much as
Tony Armas.

Boston: RBI came out in 1987 for NES and contained the 1986 rosters and stats for each team on the game, including the ill-fated 86 Red Sox team, which Im sure made the game extraordinarily popular in the New England area as Boston fans got to rejoice over the fact that they could play with this team and enjoy there self loathing in perpetuem thanks to this game. One day I will write about how insufferable Red Sox fans were during the past eighty plus years, while their equally suffering Chicago brethren have taken losing so admirably and in stride.


Marty Barrett. I have no idea how good Marty Barrett is on RBI because no one ever plays with him. Even though he was a solid player in real life Bostons bench on RBI is so incredible that he is immediately removed from the lineup to make room for Ellis Burks or Dave Henderson. In real life 1986 was Barrett salad days, especially the post season, where he won the ALCS and was equally hot in the World Series, where he probably would have won MVP had the Sox won. The only thing I can consciously remember about Marty Barrett was being about five or six and watching baseball highlights on ESPN the day his knee exploded running to first base. Apparently it was pretty serious because when he came back the next year Jody Reed took his spot, a man who sucked for the 1997 Tigers along with the rest of the team.

Effectiveness rating (ER): unknown, never plays.

Bill Buckner I like Buckner on RBI, because I prefer hitting with lefties, but my friend Josh cant stand him and he usually pulls him out of the lineup for either Burks or Hendu. Buckner is slow as hell as is the rest of the Red Sox team. Rumored to have played a small part in Bostons World Series collapse in 86.

ER: 4/10

Wade Boggs Wade Boggs is one of my favorite players ever. He did everything,hit for average, played good D at third, got on base a ton, had an affair, admitted to being a sex addict to Barbara Walters, (but really who isnt I want to know what constitutes being a sex addict), was run over by his wife in a car, twisted his back putting on cowboy boots after being caught having an affair, rumored to have drank over 60 beers on a cross country flight, and then threatened to fight the flight attendant after she refused to serve him more, it seems like she would have cut him off oh i dont know maybe 60 BEERS before hand. And to top it off he won a World Series with the Yankees after leaving Boston. How cool was this guy. Also threw a knuckleball. In RBI hes good for doubles and the occasional homerun even though he doesnt have great power numbers. However he will occasionally go into prolonged slumps, often inciting "stinkbag" comments from Josh.

ER 8/10

Jim Rice Rice is another decent player, actually the whole Red Sox lineup is decent and capable of hitting one out of the park and Rice is no exception. He is however remarkably slow even for the Red Sox. Josh tends to enjoy relatively good success with Rice. Of course all Red Sox fans will insanely argue that this man deserves to go to the Hall of Fame. He might but I hope he never does in spite of Red Sox fans. Also I believe I read somewhere that this guy was a complete asshole.

ER 7/10

Don Baylor Baylor is also effective and is inexplicably the fastest Red Sox even though in the real world he hadnt been a legitimate base stealing threat in nearly a decade. This however will not be the only occurrence of the real world and RBI world not being alike. The real Don Baylor was good at getting hit by pitches and was completely overmatched as a manager, especially with the Cubs. RBI Don Baylor can mash especially if you try busting him inside or accidentally swinging a pitch across the plate to soon.

ER 7/10

Dwight Evans For some reason neither me nor Josh can ever play good with this guy. He was a good player in real life but that does not translate to NES life, only reason he stays in the lineup is that theres no one better on the bench after all of the necessary substitutions. I also own about 5,000 Dwight Evans 1991 Upper Deck cards with him in his Baltimore Orioles jersey, priceless, I wonder how many people foolishly bought one of those, and if you know anyone tell me because I would like to purchase it.

ER 4/10

Rich Gedman This guy sucks too, always a threat to get pulled, instead of Buckner, when Josh plays, he is unbelievably slow and has an incredibly weak arm so if youve got St. Louis you can run all day. I dont know much about him in real life because by the time I started following baseball closely he was bouncing around the league. He will hit the occasional homerun, maybe once or twice in a lifetime. Worthless.

ER 3/10

Spike Owen Poor Spike never gets any love in any RBI game Ive played. Hes always taken out so I have no idea what he can do. In RBI 2 and 3 he is taken out before the games even begin, but in the original he at least gets to play a couple of innings in the field before his turn in the order. If its any consolation I always liked his name, especially the fact that his given name is Spike.


Ellis Burks Ellis is really good, and arguably the best player on the Red Sox as it seems to me he has the most speed and can hit for power. Josh usually bats him leadoff where he is pretty effective. I always thought Ellis would be the last active player from RBI, but I was wrong as his career ended last season with the Sox. I always like Ellis in real life, for no real reason, and always considered him to be somewhat underrated.

ER 8/10

Dave Henderson Dave as he is known to me and my friends, so he would not be confused with Ricky on the RBI 3 A's team, is usually subbed in for Buckner or Gedman by Josh. He is a pretty dangerous hitter, especially inside fastballs. However whatever ability he has on this game is absent in the RBI 3 version as he is easily one of the most disappointing and frustrating players on that A's team.

ER 6/10

Tony Armas. In real life this guy could crush the ball, and that was about it as his average and OBP would even make Rob Deer and Steve Balboni blush. On RBI however he sucks despite his 43 homeruns. If you pitch him outside its a guaranteed ground ball to third base. Hes so lowly regarded that Josh bats him 8th in the order in place of Spike.

ER 2/10 so low because his stats make you think he might actually be good.

Marc Sullivan In real life this guy was atrocious, and statistically the worst player in the game. He was however the grandson of the guy who owned the team so that may have had something to do with him playing five years with the Sox despite his career .186 average. In RBI he is not to be taken lightly. I used to throw him down the middle as I would a pitcher but he made me pay by depositing a couple over the other side of the fence. He is the total opposite of Armas in the fact that he performs surprisingly well despite his numbers.

ER 5/10

Pitching: Roger Clemens. Roger is, of course one of the final four remaining active players from the RBI game and my new odds on favorite to be the last player from the game to retire. Clemens is one of the top 3 pitchers on the game and has a devastating fastball. In real life though Clemens is one of my least favorite players ever. Although he did have one of my favorite moments in baseball history with his meltdown in the ALCS against Oakland, where he came out with the war paint on his face and the brightly colored shoelaces before getting ejected early in the game for arguing balls and strikes. Also I like the fact that his son Koby Clemens has Pete Rose Jr. potential, in the fact that in twenty years when you go to type in Clemens on youll see these career numbers for Koby. BA .170 HR. 1 RBI 6 over about 45 games in parts of three seasons with the Astros.

ER 9/10

Bruce Hurst: Surprisingly effective second starter. In games between me and Josh since we pitch all over the place we usually burn through the whole staff during the course of a game and Hurst can be counted on for three solid innings and is a good change of pace from Clemens because hes left handed and throws curve balls well. However he is sucepitble to giving up the occasional huge 4 or 5 run inning, which effectively puts the game out of reach.

ER: 6.5/10

Calvin Schiraldi: Schiraldi is to be avoided at all costs. Even though he had a 1.41 ERA in 1986 he blew two games in the World Series and is equally unreliable in RBI. Do not use him for more than a batter or two and never when hlding on to a one run laed.

ER: 3/10

Bob Stanley: Stanley is a good reliever and has a pretty wicked wiggler pitch with tons of movement. He is a pretty good closer but should only be used for an inning. I have nothing else to add about Stanley, because I hardly remember him as a real player. In the game he has been known to give up the occasional long ball but is pretty steady.

E/R 6/10

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


Big day today for Detroit area sports, the Pistons won to force a game seven, and the Tigers beat the Twins at the Metrodome to go over .500. I always loved how it is such a big deal for Tigers fans for the Tigers to be one game over .500 this late in the season, yet in places like New York, Boston or St. Louis, if the team were playing this bad Joe Torre would be getting fired, Terry Franconas head would be on a stick, and Tony La Russas body would be floating down the Mississippi. Irregardless, Im still excited about this Tigers team. Bonderman pitched great again tonight, which means hes getting closer and closer to the twenty wins my friend predicted and which the rest of us, as in the ones not heavily involved in drugs dismissed. Of course with each win that Bonderman gets, my friend who predicted the twenty wins becomes increasingly insufferable with the amount of gloating he does.

Before I continue I would like to correct, or update, some of the things I have previously wrote.
First off I once mentioned I have a friend with the mentality of a twelve year old. The more I think about that the more I realize Im selling him short. Sure he likes the same things as twelve year old boys would, cartoons, Gameboy, marijuana, etc..... but hes actually quite remarkable in the fact that he can multitask like no one Ive ever seen before. My friend, well hes Tizzy the one from the Macker tournament, can play Xbox, watch DVDs on his computer, maintain multiple instant message conversations, listen to the Tigers game on the radio, and still manage to maintain an itelligable conversation on his phone, while absorbing everything that goes on about him. Its like he never learned the process of selective attention, which instead of being a hindrance gave him the supernatural ability to perform everything at once. However when God divvys out talents he usually seems to give out the bad with the good, and Tizzy is no exception. Other than being able to absorb all of the information in his surrounding environment, Tizzy was also given a lateral line. I didnt come up with this, and I wish I could remember which friend did so I could give them their proper due, but whenever Tizzy is being attacked or wrestled with he has a defense mechanism which produces its own thin slime layer. Its not just sweat either its the same kind of sensation one gets from picking up a fish, its like he becomes super slippery and if you have him in a bear hug he runs the risk of popping out of your grasp, the same way a bar of soap would. Even though it sounds like this could be beneficial, it just makes him disgusting to everyone, but in his own unique way.

Secondly, I was trying to figure out what was irritating, or strange about the shape of Placido Polanco's head, when my one friend Josh revealed the answer to me. It looks as if Placido is storing sunflower seeds all over his face, in his jaw, temples, forehead, etc. No one could have been able to describe Placido's look better. On a positive note it no longer makes me angry to look at Placido, in fact I rather enjoy it, because now he just looks like a hamster storing food away in his cheeks, for a later day.

Finally in my post going over the Devil Rays roster I said Lance Carter might be the worst all-star representative ever. I was wrong. The absolute worst All-Star ever, and I can not believe I forgot about him is Roger Pavlik in 1996. Granted his won loss record was respectable seeing as how he went 15-8, but his ERA was over 5.00, and he gave up over a hit an inning, and walked 80 batters to go along with 120 strikeouts. But the thing that really sets him apart from the rest in my mind, is the fact that the 1996 Texas Rangers were not a bad team, I mean they won the AL West and went to the playoffs, so its not like he was the lone representative on a horrible team, like Carter or Robert Fick were. In fact the AL MVP for that year, the always loathsome, especially for Tigers fans, Juan Gonzalez didnt go to the All-Star game that year. Dean Palmer, didnt go either, even though he hit 38 homeruns, and had over 100 RBIS. And if they had to take a pitcher Ken Hill, actually had a great year that year considering how much lower his ERA was compared to the league average. Not to mention that Pavlik was selected over the immortal Mickey Tettleton and Mike Henneman. But enough harping on Pavlik, Im sure he is a nice enough guy, well actually I bet he isnt, I bet he rubs his All Star prestige in everybodys face. When he's at the Denny's in Arlington he probably goes into a whole, "Do you know who the f--- I am, Im Roger f---ing Pavlik, I was an All-Star, I could buy this place, and you won' let me sleep in your f---ing dumpster!" Or even worse he probably shows up at crappy small town Little League games under the title Former Rangers great, as all the little kids get excited that they might be meeting Nolan Ryan, Pudge, or Al Oliver only to find Pavlik sitting under a tent wearing sunglasses and reeking of vodka. By the way I only write this last part because it happened to me once. I was enticed to stay after practice to meet a Tigers legend from the 68 World Series team, I was a big baseball fan even then and was running the names through my head, Al Kaline, Willie Horton, Mickey Lolich, who could it be? It was Mickey Stanley, who stayed for about fifteen minutes was probably drunk, absolutely surly, and signed maybe two items. Needless to say I quit Little League a week later, my dream of becoming a professional ballplayer shattered by witnessing in person, at such an impressionable age, the frailty of being a professional athlete. He was the complete opposite of everything I had ever imagined would become of a professional big leaguer, a crusty old curmudgeon. Enough of this though, I fear Im getting to deep, somehow I started writing about Roger Pavlik, and veered towards a Little League experience from fifteen years ago as being responsible for my jaded outlook on life.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Pistons-Tigers Update

Tonights Pistons game was amazing. Thirty one point victory, I would have never believed that any game in this series would have been decided by a margin as large as thirty points. I'm not sure what a lot of peoples opinions of Hubie Brown are as an announcer, but I think hes great to listen to. I also wonder if hes actually alive. I think hes probably been dead for about twenty plus years. Here is what I assume his daily routine is. Emerge from vault around five-ish in the evening. Re-apply any clumps of decomposing flesh which may have fallen off during sleep, before arriving to the arena in a hearse. Call the game. Leave arena and start to harvest bodies/souls. Take bath/soak in young mens blood to sustain himself for another day. I bet in whatever cities that Hubies calling games in the missing person total goes up by about 10 or 12. Another thing I hate to read about, and that the national media seems to focus a lot of attention on is the low rating for the Finals games. I never understood why this is newsworthy. 1) I am watching the game, thats for sure, as are 99% of my friends, (wait im not friends with a hundred people so how could I get 99%, im not even friends with 4 people). So then 100% of my friends are going to watch the game. 2) The NBA Finals, no matter how low the ratings may be, will never NOT be broadcast on TV, the networks pay and make too much money for them not to be televised, and even if they dont come on a network channel, Im sure one of the 2,983 other cable channels will carry the games. 3) Why would I care if some fruit picker in Southern California decides to go siesta instead of appreciating Lindsey Hunters tenacious defense or if some housewife in suburban Atlanta decides to watch "Hit Me Baby One More Time" on another network instead of the Finals. Its not like Im going to randomly call up someone and say "Did you watch the game?" have her say no and then become so flustered that i wont have any idea what to talk about. Not going to happen, so please stop informing me of ratings and percentages. Please.

Meanwhile the Tigers just completed an impressive sweep over the Padres, meaning that the Pads have never won a game in Detroit, which is kind of a cool stat. I like that Detroit had to beat San Diegos two best starters to get the sweep. Bonderman pitched great again today, and now has 8 victories with about 40% of the season completed, which actually puts him on pace for my one friends drug induced prediction of 20 wins this season. This is a quality of marijuana that the government never tells you about. They always harp on memory loss, and impaired motor skills, but never inform you of the seer-like abilities that happen as a result of the drug. You need burnout friends to find this stuff out for you. The Padres were getting desperate to beat Detroit, I even read that if they were to play a fourth game in this series they were going to drag Tim Lollar out of retirement to make an emergency start. Another great sign from this series, well from this week in general has been the outstanding play of Placido Polanco. I watched him yesterday go opposite field against Eaton three times, all of them were impressive at bats too. The only unnerving thing about Polanco so far, other than his name, which Ive already touched on, is the shape of his head. Right now Im at a complete loss for words on how to describe the shape or why it irritates me so much, However I am going to tomorrows Tigers game against the Giants, so maybe if I see it in person, Ill be better able to describe the effect it has on me, if one even exists. Oh well, Im excited about the Tigers game tomorrow night, and will post about it in the near future.

Monday, June 13, 2005

Macker Weekend

I was unable to watch any of this weekends Tigers series because me and a couple of my friends, Tizzy and Arnie, were playing in the Gus Macker tournament, down in Taylor, Michigan. I don't care much for writing about my personal life in these posts, because......well whoever is reading this doesn't know me, so why the hell would you care about my day to day activities. Anyways I feel obliged to share the tale of the beatdown my friends and I, Tizzy and Arnie (pseudonyms of course........I've never been a fan of nicknames amongst friends, because it approaches a level of intimacy that I don't really care to share with my "friends", also friends is in quotations because as my one college roommate, the aforementioned Arnie, once said, "we don't have friends just close enemies.")

Forget the parentheses, I feel the need to expand on this topic a bit. Me and my friends have an interesting group dynamic, which can probably be gleaned from my room mates comment. The majority of my friends and I grew up in the same town, well practically the same neighborhood. From the beginning none of us really cared for one another, but we all shared the same trait, which forced our bond and in turn formed the foundation for our friendship. That trait was laziness. None of us wanted to really give the effort to forge friendships with people outside the area of a two minute bike ride, or short walk. Therefore our relationships with one another were based on a sense of proximity more than, shared traits, common interests, etc...... all of the things which, normal and I assume healthy friendships are built on. There is no sense of trust or interest of the general well being of other members of the group, and we try to discourage and bring down anyone that we feel threatens the stability of the group by actually achieving something that they may be proud of or make them stand out amongst us. However this is probably pretty common for most people growing up, where they befriend a neighbor, until high school and drivers licenses and all that cal and then slowly drift apart. My group was no exception to this as upon entering high school most of us from the neighborhood branched out into different social groups and friendships. However after a short time we drug our newfound friends into our same miserable group mentality and effectively ruined their social lives, which they in turn resented and hated us for. For example if a couple of my friends started to hang out frequently, they would be referred to as lovers and ridiculed mercilessly until they stopped. If one got a girlfriend the single ones would become antagonistic and subconsciously and covertly try to ruin their relationship through repeated barbs and the enticement of Nintendo, a very powerful weapon. This is not to say that my group of friends are a lot of dropouts, burnouts, ne'er do wells, in fact its quite the opposite considering our hometown, in the fact that we almost all went to college, received degrees, and are on the verge of decent jobs or grad school...........and this is a long drawn out reason for why I don't like nicknames amongst friends.

The fourth man on the Macker team was a big burly guy who used to live in the neighborhood, and whom we befriended, but mostly out of fear because he was older then us, twice our size, and a little bit mental. His name is Rob, (not a pseudonym). I was a late addition to the Macker team because last year I bailed on them to go on a trip to New York, which was about the easiest decision I ever made, but apparently upsetting to the team. I brushed it off and likened my behavior to the immortal Cedric Ceballos, I mean I just needed a vacation, who cares if its in the middle of a basketball season, or in this case local, crappy, 3 on 3 tourney. However they were a wary that I would go AWOL again so they didn't ask me to join until they had decided on a team name, which was (ugh) D-Unit. I would have called our team "Don't be a faggot", but it wasn't my decision to make. Also against my protests we made t- shirts just like a JV girls soccer team, complete with nicknames on the back. I was half expecting my friend Arnie to put something ridiculous like Short Stuf (yes with one f) and number 1/2. However much to my chagrin I was the only one to go with a nickname, I chose Dr. Thunderfoot, and number 00 of course (representing Benoit Benjamin).

We arrived in Taylor early Saturday morning, we consisting of my team already mentioned, and my teammates three girlfriends, which made me an unprecedented seventh wheel. Im not sure if an occurrence like that has ever happened before but I now hold the record unofficially until proven otherwise. I had to room with Tizzy and his girl, who Id never met but who I immediately knew was on her period, not because of her attitude but because of a smell, an uncanny and unfortunate attribute that I have. Apparently when God was handing out talents, me and Sasquatch were on the short end of the stick. Because if youve ever watched Unsolved Mysteries you would know that Bigfoot is attracted to menstruating women. But enough of that. The first team we played was the Seven Mile Doggs. There were two possible scenarios regarding this 7 mile team. 1) dorky white guys, with a tongue in cheek street cred name or 2) 4 tall black guys who were in the No Experience bracket because apparently The Michigan State Penitentiary Basketball team does not qualify as an Experience league. Unfortunately it was the latter. You can guess how that turned out. 15-4 Doggs, only made close because they were determined to score their last 3 points by each dunking on us. The next game we played against a team named Spiced Lightning, a team we should have beat and were beating until midway through the game I landed on someones foot. POP! I now know what it feels like to have no foot, to have your tibia and fibula touch the pavement, and it is not good. I immediately hopped off the court and watched Arnie, who was completely outsized by the guy I was guarding, get killed on the offensive glass, and eventually lose the game.

Anyways I'm really not going to post much more regarding the Macker weekend, except that after the game my friend Arnie proceeded to drink heavily for oh.........about the next six hours. So the next morning we found him comatose on the hotel room bed. Of course he was to hungover, (or would it be hanged over?) to play, and I already had an ankle with a baseball growing out of the side of it rendering me almost completely immobile. Still though, with essentially two and a half men, we almost won our third and final game, even though my first step on defense was as quick as that of an uninjured person wearing cement shoes. Hopefully Greg Kelser hasn't copyrighted that saying yet. Speaking of Pistons broadcasters, I wonder if any one has ever had the heart to tell Fred McLeod that he probably shouldn't refer to shots that bounce around the rim before going in as "rubber rim jobs". Ive always pictured the situation as McLeod being really proud of creating that little phrase and a conversation going as follows:Kelser: "Hey, Fred you know that rubber rim job thing you always say?"McLeod(cutting in): "Yeah isnt it great, I remember it just came to me, just a catchy little somewhat alliterative phrase, just kind of rolls off the tongue, Im really proud of that one. So whats up Greg?"Kelser: (being polite as he seems he would be) " Oh nothing......err do you think Rips gay I was gonna ask him out, you know just to make Zeke jealous and all."They need a drunk and belligerant Mark Champion to break it to McLeod, have him fill in for Kelser one day and be like, "You know Fred a rim job is when you get your asshole licked". Now that would be color commentary. Anyways my team was eliminated from the Macker after playing the bare minimum of three games. Pathetic, yet fun.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Another Update

I told you that I can never think of any creative titles for my posts. It took me nearly 15 minutes to come up with this title. I could never work at a newspaper because I lack the ability to grab a readers attention, I would probably continuously submit articles headlined.......... Another Accident, or More Dead, but I digress. Anyways its been a while since I last posted and a lot has happened with the Tigers in the meantime, with the biggest news being todays trade between Detroit and the Phillies that sent Ugueth and Ramon Martinez to Philly for Placido Polanco. My initial reaction to the move was anger because over the last year and a half I had really grown to like Ugie...........or is it Oogey, can I get a definitive answer on this please. Anyways both teams traded their strengths to overcome weaknesses, so you cant fault either team there. However, I immediately called up my friends with the news of the Ugueth trade after seeing it during my 671st page refresh of the day, thereby justifying the time I spend online, especially on the espn webpage waiting for any news. Anyways the immediate reaction from my friends as well as myself was that none of us like Polanco, strictly because of his name. I know on previous reports I have harped on my dislike for the word blog, because I think it sounds vulgar, and for some reason I feel the same about Placido's name. I cant quite put my finger on why I dislike it but I think its because I associate his first name with the word flaccid a word which I in turn associate with a limp penis. However, I think everybody associates the word flaccid with that, I mean I dont think I ve ever heard it used in a different context, like for example, someone saying, "Check and see if the spaghetti is flaccid yet", it just sounds disturbing.........Oh well I think trading for Placido is a good move, just because Guillen is hurting, Infante blows, and I dont think Tony Graffanino, or I mean Giarrarrarrttarranrrno is ready to play and be effective everyday.

Also Chris Shelton is back with the Tigers after tearing up Triple A, which raises the question, has there ever been a more unlikely looking professional athlete as Chris Shelton, He looks as though he should be working in a sausage factory, or behind the counter of the local Dunkin' Donuts. The person he reminds me the most of is an overweight Robert Fick..........I think I may have just uncovered Sheltons secret, I think he was probably an unassuming minor leaguer in the Pittsburgh system, who had a chance encounter with Fick somewhere, ate him, absorbed his powers which he combined with his own natural ability, and skyrocketed through the minors as a result, much like Majinn Buu used to do on Dragonball Z. Mind you I never watched Dragonball Z willingly, its just I have a friend, who is 22, (I dont want anyone to think I am a chester), but has a mentality of a 12 year old. He was obsessed with the Dragonball show, and talked to me and my friends incessantly about it, and for some reason this completely useless info stuck around for years, taking up valuable space in my brain which could have been used for my learning German in college. Speaking of stolen identities Vance Wilson is horrific, I think it's Matt Walbeck in disguise, back for seconds with the Tigers, I think Walbecks been able to fool people by wearing those stupid angular sunglasses.

some quick thoughts about ESPN programming- I liked the idea of battle of the gridiron stars but the execution was horrible. I think the show would have been better had they ended each episode with a special event, such as who can snort the most lines of coke off of strippers bodies, or who can successfully mask their drug tests. Also how did they decide on having Harold Reynolds involved, he played baseball, I bet he either stowed away on the flight to Hawaii, or happened to be vacationing at the same resort where they filmed it. And Im sure that Sean Salisbury would have been falling over himself to be involved, however I believe the Mannings probably have a restraining order against him, since he slurps Peyton so much. Of course you know Merrill Hoge would have turned his nose down at the whole idea, of such a competition. Finally whos idea was it to release TILT on DVD, is anyone going to buy this? did anyone watch one episode of this? Now we are once again subjected to more commercials with Norman Chad explaining why they call Michael Madsen the Matador. I think I would rather be skinned alive than watch the whole season of TILT, and yes ESPN the DVD would make a great Fathers Day gift, but only if you really hated the man, then it would be great to get it in spite of him.