Thursday, January 26, 2006

Detroit Tiger's Off-season

I know, I know, baseball's off season has been going on for nearly three months and the only free agents still kicking around are Sammy Sosa, a heterosexual catcher who dates women, Bobby Higginson and Frank Tanana. The first two may end up splitting time with Cecil Fielder and Bill Gulickson in Japan,
The third guy can GO STRAIGHT TO HELL with his .077 batting average.
And Tanana may be younger than the two guys the Tigers signed this off season.

Which nicely segues into the Tigers two key off season acquisitions, Matt Mantei and Bobby Seay, errr....I mean Todd Jones and Kenny Rogers two pitchers who are a combined 80 years old. So even though its the middle of winter I thought it was time to check in with the happenings of arguably my favorite Detroit team, (no not the Lions they are about team no. 21 somewhere below the Wayne State Law School softball team.)

Off season move No.1 Signing Todd Jones. I was never a big Todd Jones fan during his first tour in Detroit, not because of anything he did necessarily, but because I loved Matt Anderson and I thought Jones was holding this guy back from being one of the top closers in baseball. Well that didn't really go as planned and now five years later we're back with Todd again, a guy who the Tigers traded five years ago because they thought he was washed up. Well after putting up one good season in those five years with at least 15 different teams, including one with the
Homestead Grays if I remember correctly, he's back in Detroit to help pin down the closers job. Wait, didn't we bring Troy Percival in for this reason last year, What happened? Oh yeah, this, along with a career ending injury. Of course this signing was met with yawns and "What the hell's?" from around the state and the only person remotely excited was Adam Duritz who can look forward to monthly $3 royalty checks for "Mr. Jones." Anyways the thing this most reminds me of is when Norm McDonald came back to host SNL after he was fired and said, and I'm paraphrasing, "It's not that I've gotten funnier since I left, it's that this show is so bad now I'm funnier then the people on here." And he was right, so we'll see how this goes, I'm saying he has a 3.90 ERA and 28 saves this season.

Off-season move No. 2: Signing Kenny Rogers. I liked this signing, Rogers is the kind of pitcher who can junk his way to 14-16 wins, a la Jaime Moyer especially at the cavern known as Comerica Park, and if things start to go bad we can always look forward to him tossing cameramen, sportwriters, fans, children, etc. to the deck when they dare take a picture of him. Hopefully he can teach Maroth and Robertson something about being junkballing lefty's and cheating on their wives.

Off-season move No. 3: Hiring Jim Leyland. Some of my favorite people in sports are chain smokers, Mark Grace, Vlade Divac, and now Jim Leyland. What I don't like are those Jim Leyland Tiger commercials, and if you live in Michigan you know what I mean. The first time I saw one I thought it was a preview for the new Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie, there are all kinds of screeching and scratchy noises, and its designed to look like a movie preview, with quotes from Detroit sportswriters, like Mitch Albom, (ugh.) and at the end they just flash up a picture of Jim Leyland. What? Jim Leyland? There is nothing badass or scary about a 60 year old man who weighs about 160 pounds. He looks like a friendly high school janitor who would look the other way if you ducked out of class, which leads me to believe that off-season move number 4 should be hire a new ad agency, and please god, please, no more of those ridiculous Who's your Tiger ads. Please.

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