Thursday, November 02, 2006

Detroit Pistons Season Preview

With the Tigers extended, post-season run lasting into the final week of October, (and no I havent been avoiding writing about the Tigers resounding thud in the World Series, its just been a series of technical problems, first with Blogger and then my desktop crashed and now I'm writing on a newly purchased laptop,) I almost completely forgot about the upcoming NBA season. Normally by the middle of September I begin to turn my attention away from the Tigers and towards other sports, namely college football and the NFL, (although I gave up on the NFL this year after one week, I love football but the Lions have completely killed my interest in the League.), and eventually the Pistons. And for all you people who have begun to read this site during the Tigers playoff run don't forget about me now that baseball is over, I keep updating throughout the year and try to write frequently about the Pistons, just think of this site as The Terry Mills Memorial Overpass between November and April. I know this is a bit late as the Pistons started the season tonight with a loss at home to the Bucks. IRREGARDLESS, (I know that's not a word but it sounds so much more authoritative, like a word you would yell out before breathing fire), here is a player by player breakdown of what I expect from every Piston for the remainder of the season.

Chauncey Billups: Billups had a career year last season and I got so worked up about him that I wrote an impassioned post about how he should have been the League MVP. I had no stats to back up my argument (He led the NBA in assist to turnover ration people.) so I tried to appeal to people's sense of emotion over reason. Kind of like those early 20th century socialists in New York that thought they were printing the new Common Sense when instead they were churning out poorly written, completely insane pamphlets and not being taken serious by anyone, that was me. But I digress. I think Chauncey will have an even better season then last year followed by him driving an armored car up to Bill Davidson's house and filling it with cash after he opts out of his contract after this season, purchasing a jewel encrusted crown and wearing it in place of a headband for the rest of his career.

Rip: I think Rip will continue to do what Rip does, o.k. defense, excellent jump shooting, and constantly moving and wearing out the opposing defender, while also adding an improved three point shot. I miss the braids though, I think he should have given us one game of Giant Afro-Rip before shaving his head. Also I wonder in Rip stole "Yessir" from Pharrell or vice versa, also is pronounced Pha-rel or like feral cats? My head hurts.

Tayshaun: There's nothing I can write about Tayshaun that I havent already written............wait I've never written about Tayshaun !?! Hmmm......I also think he will continue to improve and become more consistent. The fact that we are paying Tayshaun the same amount that Mike Dunlevey is making in Golden State means that either Joe Dumars is the best GM in basketball or Chris Mullin is the worst. Probably a little bit of both.

Rasheed: I guarantee that Rasheed Wallace will break the record for most technicals in one season. A record currently held by.........Rasheed Wallace. I'll take it a step further and say he breaks this record by Christmas. You know every ref in the League has a vendetta against him because of all the times he's showed them up over the years. He picked up 2 in the first 23 minutes of the season, and he wasnt even that demonstrative. This is going to get ugly.

Nazr: Player A makes 6 million a year, and will average 14 points, 9 boards, 1 block, and shoot 52% from the floor and be capable of hitting an open 12 footer. Player B. to obvious, lets call him Ben W., (yes I steal 90% of my jokes from the Simpsons, so what) makes 15 million will average 8 points, 11 boards, 1.8 blocks, and shoot 45 %, drags ass back to the offensive end and has range limited to 18 inches from the rim. Hmm, so how does losing Ben make us a 45 win team? Am I missing something? Did you see Ben get torched by Dwight Howard tonight, he's not the same player he was 3-5 years ago, and he's not gonna be that way when he's 36. Also I love the fact that we have a guy named Nas-e.

Lindsey Hunter: I love Lindsey as a person, and I love the energy he gives us defensively for 10-15 minutes, but I'd be lying if I said I was thrilled that he and his 35% shooting was back this season as Chaunceys lone backup. Sorry.

Will Blalock: Introducing your Roanoke Dazzle starting point guard. Surely the latest 2nd round pick who sticks around for a season before falling off the face of the earth into oblivion. I picture Lou Roe, Ricky Paulding and Alex Acker floating around silently in space.

Dale Davis: I wonder what the look on his face is when he opens a check for $200,000 every two weeks. Jesus I wish I was 7 feet tall. Wait what's that tingling I'm feeling in my legs? Could I be growing? No it's just a rash.

Carlos Delfino: I still maintain that he looks like Gael Garcia Bernal in drag or at least with heavy mascara. Or he kind of looks like John Travolta in that one movie from the 70's with the cult that melts peoples faces. Whatever. I'm glad that Delfino is getting a bigger role this season. Ive always been intrigued by him and hopes he turns into a poor mans Manu Ginobili. However he'll probably plat well off the bench this season and next, before getting a boatload of cash to sign with the Nuggets, a la how the Pistons lost Mehmet.

Ronald Dupree: Ronald's back. I thought we got rid of him twice already. Does he just keep showing up under assumed names and tricking the coaching staff. I can see Flip turning to an assistant and asking, "Where did this Donald Rupee guy come from again, he's quite the leaper." Or at the end of camp Dupree rips off a fake mustache after making the team and say "The man you thought was Phineus J. Farnsworth is me Ronald Dupree.", as Flip throws the clipboard down.

Amir Johnson: I like Amir and Im looking forward to an array of garbage time dunks but I feel threatened that there is someone in the NBA whose 4 years younger then me. I feel old, I'm gonna go lay down.

Jason Maxiell: Maxiell is mesmerizing because I can't believe someone that fat can be so nimble and athletic. I really think that he will turn into a defensive presence as the season progresses helping the Pistons replace some of the defensive intimidation that Ben helped provide. I could also see him turning into a slow, depressing, fat man who can barely move up and down the court, like Tractor Traylor.

Antonio McDyess: Antonio looks like he's from another era of history, or more appropriately every era. He looks like a guy who would be in a group like the Spinners, as the freakishly tall guy with the deep voice, or he could've been a super-cool soul brother with a long leather coat and houndstooth fedora, like Richard Roundtree, but he doesnt look like a 21st century basketball player. If Nike did a series of commercials with McDyess, like The LeBrons, Antonio would win an Oscar.

Flip Murray: I'm tired.

So what do I think the Pistons will do this year? I think they will tail off a little from last years 64 win pace, but will still be good for 55 wins and the Central Division title. I also think that they can win the East and play in their 3rd Finals in 4 years but so many things can change between now and April with injuries (God No.), trades, and signings, (Jalen Rose anyone?) that I won't predict an NBA title, but I do think they are one of 5 or 6 teams that have a legitimate shot at it.

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