Thursday, May 03, 2007

Avril Lavigne

This post is long, so you might want to get some snacks........Thousands of Years Ago.....

This post is going to be a departure from the central theme of this site, which, if you are new to these parts is mostly about the joys of scrapbooking. Wait, wait, that's not right, I meant to say sports, I get my two hobbies mixed up sometimes, but who doesn't. Anyways, this post is dedicated to all those guys out there who used to argue in vain with their friends over the merits of Avril Lavigne's pulchritudinous, (thank you, Word of the Day calendar, wow that really is pretentious sounding though.......fuck it, it stays in). I've found myself in this position a few times and it's a very unenviable one (not as bad as being robbed at knife-point in an alley, but I digress), but before I go on any farther I feel as though I should provide a bit of context to the situation I'm talking about.

In the winter of 1998 I was a 15 year old sophomore in high school who essentially did nothing but hang out with my friend Kevin who was a year older than me, had a license to drive and a means of transportation that did not involve my mom and her minivan. You would think this would open up a world of possibilities and adventures, but you would be wrong, and don't you readers ever tire of being wrong. I mean, like every time I write, you guys make the most egregious presumptions and I have to take time out of writing to correct you.......(wait don't insult the readers Andrew, play nice until Operation Putsch is's all coming together). See, I come from a little town called Clio, where there isn't shit to do, especially for anyone under the age of.......well of any age I guess. I'm being completely honest when I say there hasn't been a worthwhile activity in that town since the donut shop that carried the arcade version of Mortal Kombat II closed about ten years ago.

Regardless, Kevin and I would drive around on most Friday nights for a few hours alternating stopping by:

1: Parties thrown by preppy kids that consisted of drinking their parents Seagram's with 2 liters of flat 7 Up and playing euchre with three guys who were distracted by trying to hit on the only girl at the party that would let them feel her up. This really sounds more like an exciting night at a retirement home than a high school party but our options were limited and it was pretty much equal too.....

2: Bonfires thrown by whitetrash kids in a field or by a barn, with most of the kids wearing ICP or Metallica shirts and getting drunk on MD 20/20 or Natural Light before everything culminated in a fist fight between some even more white trash kid from two towns over who would get wrecked by some fatass football player.

The problem was Kevin and I didn't really fit into either of these groups because we were way to cool for the preppy crowd, (even though Kevin tried to fit in by buying a whole wardrobe from Nautica, which just led to endless and justified ridicule on my behalf) and we were way to fucking handsome to be hanging out with the burnouts by the bonfire, so we would often choose option.....

#3: Which consisted of going over to my friend Josh's house and playing Goldeneye 64 on his big screen for about 5 hours, where I was unstoppable as Jaws packing the automatic shotgun and wasting anyone trying to get the body armor in the Temple that sounded pathetic.

One Friday following another "Slaughter at the hands of Jaws", Kevin and I returned to my house and turned on MTV just as they started to play a video that would alter the course of our adolescence, "...Baby One More Time". I remember we stood and watched the video in complete silence and wondered if we would ever witness something like this again. Little did we know this was the beginning of a wave of pop stars, (Christina Aguilera, Jessica Simpson, Mandy Moore, etc) similar to our age and all of whom exposed the girls we went to high school with as complete dogs, (sorry Karrie Brooks).

However I was always kind of indifferent to this first set of pop stars and a few years later during a game of R.B.I. with Kevin I mentioned this belief as an offhand comment. He immediately paused the game and burned a hole in the back of my head with his stare, culminating in this exchange:

Kevin: "Are you serious?"

Me: (turning around), "Well yeah. I mean don't get me wrong I think they are all pretty cute, and I think Mandy Moore is really pretty, but collectively they just don't do anything for me. They remind me too much of all the snobby girls in high school that only date insurance salesmen and think they've made it big time because they are a teller at the credit union, you know..."

Kevin: "That is the stupidest shit I ever heard, and sounds just like something you would say. 'Oh blah blah, personality, blah'. Who cares if they are snobby, it's not like we're talking to them. All I know is as long as they dress like strippers and make hot videos, they could go home and throw bacon at fat girls with image low self esteen and it wouldn't make them any less hot. Jesus, Prof. Gaybody why don't you listen to your Backstreet Boy albums.......i cant believe I hang out with you."

Me: "Hey, asshole I own those Backstreet Boys albums for their artistic merits only o.k."

However, during the summer after my freshmen year at MSU in 2002 I finally found the pop princess to fill the void in my life that had remained empty during the first wave in the form of a bratty, little, faux-punk Canadian named Avril Lavigne. I called Kevin and told him about my celebrity crush and he was less than impressed saying, "Sure, she's cute, but you would like her. It's the safe pick. She's Greg Maddux compared to Jessica Simpson's Pedro, solid but never capable of greatness." (Kevin can be a pretty shortsighted sports fan). I tried to argue back, "She's as pretty as those other girls she just can't embrace the "hotness" because she's got some bullshit punk girl image to portray. Watch it will happen someday." But he wasn't listening. So now it's up to me to prove it to him, even if it is years after the fact and after he's almost certainly forgot about our conversation, with a selected video retrospective of Avril's career.......(Man that was a lot of context, I'm finally getting to the good part and no one stuck around......hello (echo).......hello (crickets)......shit.)

1: Complicated

This is the video that started my whole interest in Avril, even though it's totally lame and cliche as hell. I can see some young record executive sitting around trying to think of a proper way to promote his new talent and saying, "Hmm, what would rebelious teenagers do? (taps pen on desk), Got it! They go to the mall, hang out, and fuck with security guards in a comical manner before skateboarding. Travis you are brilliant!! Nobody's ever thought of this before, even though every teen movie from 1982 on has this exact same scenario in it, but hopefully no one will remember that." before burying his face in a mountain of cocaine and laughing hysterically. By the way my copyright professor would lower my grade a whole step if he saw all the blatant infringement occuring on my blog right now by posting these videos.....Yikes.

2: Sk8ter Boi

This song and video were/are terrible, but I would still watch it when it came on. For some reason I've always had a soft spot for punk rock girls. I've always been attracted to the pink hair, tattoos and bitchy attitude but unfortunately this interest is hardly ever reciprocated and the only girls who find me attractive are, uh, none of them. I'm going to go cry now.

3: Don't Tell Me

Wait.....who the hell is this guy? How long was this going to go on before you told me? Huh, Avril!!! Oh thats right Andrew, you're not really dating her. No need to get all worked up like tat, but that still doesnt explain whose wrists I just grabbed (nervous laughter as I adjust my necktie). This video had potential as it features Avril in her underwear breaking things, but if you listen closely it's a song about not being pressured into sex by your boyfriend. BOOOOOOO!, whoops, I mean what a great message for teenage girls who face this kind of peer pressure from their pushy boyfriends, (boo.)

4: Nobody's Home

This video gave me the false impression that the streets were filled with hot homeless Canadian teenagers. So I went out in search of them on the streets of Detroit and only came across agressive alcoholics with dementia, prostitutes who looked like extras from "The Exorcist" and a raging case of syphi...... cotton candy. Avril gets bonus points for the old-timey, sepia toned bullshit, because anyone who reads this site regularly knows I'm a sucker for 19th century style romance. Oh, Jesus that wasn't manly sounding at all. (Clears throat) "Excuse me, I'm going to go make a sandwich out of nails between barbwire bread, catch you on the flip side, pussies." Now thats manly.

5: Girlfriend

Finally. This video was five years in the making for me (well I had made it previously using Barbie dolls and my imagination but I'm talking about an official video), and I demand you watch it in its entirety or I will never speak to you again. This is my example of the perfect girl and the standard to which I will hold any and all future girlfriends, so if your thinking about dating me here's the template, do with it what you must. One final gripe though, how is it that all these guys I know have 2 or 3 girls chasing after them and trying to get them to break up with their girlfriends and me, Mr. Big Shot lawyer man is up until 3 A.M. updating a blog about Avril Lavigne......Wait I just answered my own question. My next question is to see if this bed sheet can hold 160 pounds. Thank you everyone for indulging me and if you made it this far I'll send you a check for a $100*.

*Offer not valid to anyone. ever.


Big Al said...

2 posts in one day? Andrew, you haven't flunked out of law school, have you?

As someone who grew up playing euchre in a small Michigan town as well, I can relate. Except we didn't have fancy things like video games (Unless you count Pong on a black and white 19". That was high tech in my day...) to keep us occupied. We just drank beer and smoked a certain illegal plant.

Considering my age, the closest my era had to a faux-punk rock/pop star like Avril would be Joan Jett. Save for she's actually talented...

Aaron said...

I get to trade in my "man card" to drop some Avril Lavigne knowledge. She was a nice change of pace from the other pop girls but now that the genre has died down I guess she has too. She never looked better then she did in the Don't Tell Me video, but My Happy Ending was her best song.

Time to go eat a steak and do other manly things