Thursday, May 03, 2007

Finally...A Lions Draft Re-Cap.

Earlier this afternoon I took my last exam of the semester and it felt great (Seriously if I had to choose between taking an exam, fighting a T-Rex with a golf club, or taking a shower in prison for three hours I don't know which one I would choose......probably the T-Rex, but I digress). The class was Employment Discrimination, (taught by a guy with a eerie resemblance to a gnome lawn ornament, I would post a photo, but I may take another class with him next semester and don't want to face his 3 foot tall, white bearded scorn) which should come in handy in the future. It pretty much taught me how many sexist comments and off-color jokes I can get away with, (about one a month or so), and how many times I can expose myself to my secretary, (about once every two years give or take), and still avoid liability. See, this is the shit I need to learn in law school. I don't need to learn how to help other people with their legal problems, I just need to know how to keep myself out of trouble.

In a completely unrelated note I am looking to hire a secretary for those who are interested. The job requirements are as follows: Max. height 5'6", max weight 98 lbs, must bear a striking resemblance to Kristin Bell (top left), answer to the name "Jiggles", carry me into meetings and to the supermarket on their back and...uh....light typing, I guess, like 7 words a minute or something. Send photos c/o "Women are Things"........o.k., o.k. I have to stop, women's heads are exploding everywhere as they read this and my sister's gonna lecture me on equality, women's right's and blah, blah, blah, so I'm just gonna stop typing, and switch topics completely.

I hope it's not to late for me to chime in about the NFL Draft and the Lions 2007 picks. I'll break this down pick by pick, even though it's already been done by Big Al, in a way that is funnier and infinitely more clever than what I'm about to write, so uh go check that out, or scroll down, whatever......(Now I know your going to read this because you like the fact that I'm indifferent to your readership. You think you can change me. That I'm a long haired, wild eyed rebel, but you know I have a real sensitive side just waiting to come out. If I could only meet the right reader. Who knows, you could be that person, there is only one way to find out...../whispering/ on)
1: Calvin Johnson, WR Georgia Tech: I'm going to operate under the belief that every other Lions receiver will turn out to be sensational. Rogers was a bust, but Roy has been fantastic, Mike Williams sucked, so naturally Johnson is going to be a superstar. This is how the NFL works right? Anyways Mike Martz has to be going crazy right now and I can't wait to see some of the crazy shit formations he's going to roll out next season. However I get the nagging feeling that come Week 14 the Lions are going to be starting Devale Ellis, Bert Emanuel, and Pete Mandley because of all the injuries that seem to crop up at this position every season. On a personal note I can't wait to get Madden 2008 and play with Williams and Johnson. It's going to be amazing throwing for about 7,000 yards and 65 touchdowns with new quarterback.....

2: Drew Stanton, QB Michigan State: Finally, a quarterback to replace that fat cigar-smoking baby from "Who Framed Roger Rabbit ?", what's his face.....Jon Kitna. Kitna wasn't terrible last year, even if it seemed like he was sacked, fumbled or threw an interception on every other passing play. I'm not sure what to think of Stanton. I was never really impressed with his play at State. He was spectacular at times but wildly inconsistent, and it seems like even though he had the athletic ability to scramble about and make plays happen, he would take his fair share of kill shots and leave dazed after every series. It will be interesting to see what happens to Stanton the first time he lowers his shoulder as Brian Urlacher tries to detach his head from his body. I'm not looking forward to that moment......wait, yeah I am.

2: Ikaika Alama-Francis, DL Hawaii: It seems like every year the Lions take a defensive lineman on the first day of the draft, only for them to kick around for a couple of seasons and then disappear into the ether. By the way can we send out an all-points bulletin in search of Shaun Cody. What the hell happened to this guy? I'm sure I could do a Google search and find out in 2 seconds if I wanted, I guess I really don't care, that sounds like a lot of effort. The point is, I hope Ikaika can avoid this fate, successfully slay The Ghost of Tracy Scroggins and remain with the organization for more than three years. I wouldn't bet on it though.

2: Gerald Alexander, S Boise State: I thought the Lions addressed their need at safety last season when they drafted Daniel Bullocks, who turned out to be pretty sweet, and they are paying assloads of money to Kennoy Kennedy to man the other safety position. So why take this guy, a guy who was rated as a second day pick at best by all the draft "experts." Especially when we have a glaring need for a cornerback. Oh that's right, because drafting a corner would make way to much fucking sense and the Lions are currently being run by a man I wouldn't trust to set my alarm clock, let alone run an entire football organization. Jesus.

4: A.J. Davis, CB Somewhere State: Hopefully this guy can defeat the ghost of Kevin Abrams, and......wait, someones trying to get my say I've already used the "Ghost of" joke in this post.....ok...... and I use the "Ghost of" joke in EVERY post....... and I'm a no talented, one trick pony, hack of a writer...... (clears throat) well if you'll excuse me I have to use the bathroom...... (escapes out bathroom window, looks back, stumbles, and waits for the vicious hounds to chase him down).
5: Manuel Ramirez, G Texas Tech: I hate it when offensive linemen get drafted. It's so safe and boring. You sit there for five/ten/fifteen minutes waiting for the selection, and then Der Kommissar walks to the podium, clears his throat and says, "With the --th selection the Lions select some fatass lineman you've never heard of." If I were running the league I would limit the draft to skill position players only, and dispense the linemen in a matter similar to the Oklahoma Land Run. Like you wouldn't watch Matt Millen and Phil Savage tearing across the land on horseback trying to throw a net over Joe Thomas in hopes of obtaining his rights, that would be riveting.

6: Johnny Baldwin, LB Alabama A&M:

Mr Irrelevant: Ramzee Robinson, CB Alabama: I love this guys name, and demand he wear one of those Egyptian crowns covered in snakes and birds, or better yet conscript thousands of hoboes from Detroit to build an enormous tomb to contain his riches, servants, and lots and lots of purple drank. Too bad he probably won't make the team because I would be looking forward to that pyramid, but I look forward to a lot of mundane things. Now if I could only get that robot I built to dance....


Anonymous said...

Drew Stanton sucks. End of story. I would rather have Ryan Leaf come out of hiding to be the Lions new quarterback. Joe Dumars and Darko Milicic think that was a bad pick.

Dr Huxtable said...

This is the best draft breakdown I've read yet. Maybe not the most insightful, but definitely the funniest.

Rudy said...

Okay so I think I have you figured out you Cleo hick, You are a binge and purger, you post over and over and then go AWOL for weeks like Kelly Kapowski's early high school eating habits.

You need to post more often before you turn into 2006 Britney -- a little gross but still doable. Post more often, before you turn into gross, overweight and disgusting 2007 Brit.