Claude Williams: F*** you too. You said there would be Night Train and I ain't seen shit. My shift starts in 3 hours and I gotta be soaked by then or I'm gonna be really f***ing irritable and shit and I don't need that, understood?
AS: Sorry about that Claude...I've already drank it all, you should have been here on time. Moving on. Our other panelist is "Scabby" Oscar Flesch an 88 year old lifelong Detroiter who has been driving cabs for nearly 65 years. Very impressive "Scabby" with that kind of experience I'm sure you'll have many enlightening anecdotes to share with us.
"Scabby" Flesch: One of us smells like piss. Guess which one and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
AS: Wow, I'm regretting this already. Our first topic is the perennially losing Detroit Lions who recently selected wide receiver Calvin Johnson with the second pick of the NFL draft. What are your thoughts on taking a receiver with a top 10 pick for the 4th times in 5 years and the overall state of the franchise?
CW: The Lions? Shit, that franchise is f***ed. That Millen guy always talks about toughness and accountability but then he wastes high draft picks on dopeheads and fat-ass lazy wideouts. They need to hire a coach that will go in there and discipline those diva's. A real hard-hittin', skull crackin' muthf***a.
AS: Well Claude they went in that direction with their last coaching hire. Rod Marinelli served in Vietnam and has a reputation for being a very demanding but fair disciplinarian.....
CW: Nah, man. I ain't talkin about no "Yes sir," "no sir" drill sergeant bullshit. See, I would make a good coach. I'm not afraid to get into Big Baby's face if he half asses some run defense. I'd get right up in that fat f***'s grill an let him know he let me down. I remember this one time I'm driving my cab down Cass Ave at about 3 A.M. and this sketchy looking muthaf***a hails me, gets in the back seat and sticks a pistol right in my face. Now it looks like I'm f***ed but I ain't scared of some basehead, so I reach over to my passenger seat grab a hunting knife and put it right through this guys eye. He drops the gun in my seat and I drive around smoking and listening to "Rubberband Man" by the Spinners as he bleeds to death in my taxi. I dumped the body and took his watch to cover the fare. That's the kind of discipline football players respect.
AS: Hmmm....I don't know if that's the most awesome or most frightening story I've ever heard, while I mull this over let's hear from "Scabby".
SOF: I don't like the pick. I'm old enough to remember the last time the Lions were good and the whole key to their success was Bobby Layne, hands down the toughest son of a bitch to ever put on a Lions uniform. I remember back in 1953 getting dispatched to the Brunswick Hotel, which had a reputation for being a place of ill-repute if you catch my drift. So I pull up at about 7 A.M. and a disheveled Bobby Layne comes walking out, bottle of whiskey in hand and peering into the morning sun. When, all of a sudden, some floozy comes running out of the room and sticks a knife right into Layne's throwing shoulder. Layne doesn't even blink, turns around and grabs this broads arm, kisses her hard, breaks her wrist and sends her flying about twenty feet across the courtyard. Layne gets in the cab, with the knife still in his shoulder, takes a pull from his bottle, and growls "Briggs Stadium". About four hours later Layne throws 2 touchdowns and adds another one on the ground to beat those bastard Cleveland Browns. Greatest performance I've ever seen. That's what the Lions need and I don't think Jon Kitna has that gritty quality, although he is a vast improvement over those limp-wristed flits like Scott Mitchell and Joey Harrington. The Lions should go out and get a real blood and guts guy like Y.A. Tittle or Otto Graham.
AS: Sorry "Scabby," Otto Graham died 4 years ago although Tittle may still be available, and I apologize to you Claude, I stand corrected. That Layne story is the greatest story I've ever heard.
CW: (glares at Andrew, puts toothpick in mouth).
AS: I said I was sorry Claude but Scabby came up big with a kickass story, although your glare is cutting through me like a knife.........wait that's because you're shanking me from underneath the table. This seems like a good time to break, I need a doctor, Claude is going to run to the store and pick up some Thunderbird, and Scabby is making a run for a Crave Case. We'll be back shortly with our second installment addressing The Bulls-Pistons series and the showdown with Big Ben.........(collapses from blood loss).
CW: Check the whiteboys wallet and we can pick up some 'dro to go with this wine.
SOF: (Gingerly kneels over).