Las Vegas

Ya'll readers. This Memorial Day weekend I'm heading to Las Vegas for the first time in my life. I figure the best way to honor veterans of foreign wars is to revel in all the things that make America great. Namely gambling, neon lights, Roseanne's stand-up act, and trannies, trannies, trannies. Oh yeah, that whole freedom thing is pretty nice too, if you can call living under this current fascist regime freedom. Heed the call people, read John Stuart Mill, admire Bentham's utilitarianism and vote Libertarian in 2008. Oh Christ, I've said to much. Who are you? Where are you going to stick those? Tell Sheila I love her....YARGHHH!! (Seriously though, I have the utmost respect for veterans. Many of my relatives have served this country, a few of whom have given their lives in doing so. Also I spent two years trying to learn German in college and that shit was impossible [like what the fuck's a past participle.....are you serious], so chest bumps go out to all the WWII vets who helped us all avoid that hornet's nest).

Enough bullshitting though. The purpose of this post is that I need help from you the reader. Don't worry reader, I won't harm you, I even have pockets full of bird seed for you. (Extends hand with dry corn kernels and seeds) Come here reader, it's ok. (Bends down on one knee) See that wasn't so hard was it. We can be friends. Here let me rub that spot behind your ear. Now that we've established a level of trust, I was hoping that you could give me some advice on what to do on my trip. For example is there anything that's MUST see, a cool place to take in the Pistons playoff game, an amazing place to eat, prostitutes that will do that thing where they......oh nevermind, my dad will be there with me, he'll know where to find them because he has the most amazing sense of direction and.....Oh shit, my mom and sister read this. (Passes hand over family's face) Disregard that last sentence. These are not the droids you are looking for. See, I was going to ask my friends for advice but then I realized I.....uhh.....heh......don't have any. Funny story actually, I used to have a lot but they were so petty and jealous about my good looks, intelligence, sharp wit, modesty and luck with women. Anyways, please leave the suggestions in the comments, and if I don't receive any it will be very, very sad and you wouldn't want to make me cry, would you? I thought you were different. You told me I was the main component of your future, that you wanted to take me places I've always wanted to see, that you even lov......(I run to the bedroom in tears wearing a flowing nightgown and slam the door.......and don't even think about taking a step towards me and then walking away).

O.k. I think I might be losing my mind, just leave the info below. Thanks.

-Andrew