I originally hail from a small town in Mid-Michigan named Clio. On my profile I have my town listed as Detroit but thats a little premature. I will be living in Detroit in about six weeks as I get ready to attend law school at Wayne State, but presently Im stuck in my hometown...........and I hate it. There is nothing to do here, and ninety eight percent of the population are hicks, I cant wait to move from here, hopefully for good. The only thing in Clio that keeps me entertained is force feeding my dog the crust of my chocolate fudge Pop-Tarts. Anyways when I move away I hope Detroit will offer me the chance to live a more interesting life, even if my social life doesnt pick up I can at least look forward to getting my car broken into/stolen or see bums fight over the privledge to sleep on a soiled mattress. Oh well, enough complaining about that.
I am going to break down one of the top five greatest games in the history of NES tonight, and probably over the course of the next couple of posts. The game of course is R.B.I. baseball. I was always a big fan of RBI 3 for NES and my friend Kevin and I would play this game for hours a day every day, especially during the summer, until we graduated from high school. Then one day he ruined everything by getting a job and a girlfriend and having "responsibilities." What a loser. Well this put me in a predicament because none of my friends necessarily cared for RBI 3, and I was so far advanced in the game, having played thousands of them, that I had a decided advantage over anyone who tried to challenge me, also playing the computer was out of the question because playing them, even on difficult, is the equivalent of playing a dog, or a retarded person. For anybody offended by the last remark, where I compared a dog to a retarded person, Im sorry, and you probably dont want to get me started on my feelings regarding wheelchair "basketball", and yes the quotes are there for a reason. My friends Josh and Bill simultaneously clued me in on the magnificence of the original RBI, a game I had owned for quite some time but had never really played because I hated the fat players, I mean couldnt they show some self control and not eat so much, and the fact that you couldnt dive for ground balls, an important feature in RBI 3 because it allowed you to rub every ground ball out into your opponents face by making unnecessary dives, resulting in an automatic instant replay. However after a few games of the original RBI I was hooked, and now me and Josh play regularly as Kevin is stuck in his own private hell known as a Relationship. Anyways even though I am a relative newcomer to the original, I believe I have played enough to have the authority to write a comprehensive guide breaking down the important parts of the game. First off let it be known that Josh Bill and I play by the normal rules of baseball, not the common feed everything straight down the middle and mash rule, therefore pitchers and light hitters with wheels are valued as much as Tony Armas.
Boston: RBI came out in 1987 for NES and contained the 1986 rosters and stats for each team on the game, including the ill-fated 86 Red Sox team, which Im sure made the game extraordinarily popular in the New England area as Boston fans got to rejoice over the fact that they could play with this team and enjoy there self loathing in perpetuem thanks to this game. One day I will write about how insufferable Red Sox fans were during the past eighty plus years, while their equally suffering Chicago brethren have taken losing so admirably and in stride.
Lineup
1. Marty Barrett. I have no idea how good Marty Barrett is on RBI because no one ever plays with him. Even though he was a solid player in real life Bostons bench on RBI is so incredible that he is immediately removed from the lineup to make room for Ellis Burks or Dave Henderson. In real life 1986 was Barrett salad days, especially the post season, where he won the ALCS and was equally hot in the World Series, where he probably would have won MVP had the Sox won. The only thing I can consciously remember about Marty Barrett was being about five or six and watching baseball highlights on ESPN the day his knee exploded running to first base. Apparently it was pretty serious because when he came back the next year Jody Reed took his spot, a man who sucked for the 1997 Tigers along with the rest of the team.
Effectiveness rating (ER): unknown, never plays.
2. Bill Buckner I like Buckner on RBI, because I prefer hitting with lefties, but my friend Josh cant stand him and he usually pulls him out of the lineup for either Burks or Hendu. Buckner is slow as hell as is the rest of the Red Sox team. Rumored to have played a small part in Bostons World Series collapse in 86.
ER: 4/10
3. Wade Boggs Wade Boggs is one of my favorite players ever. He did everything,hit for average, played good D at third, got on base a ton, had an affair, admitted to being a sex addict to Barbara Walters, (but really who isnt I want to know what constitutes being a sex addict), was run over by his wife in a car, twisted his back putting on cowboy boots after being caught having an affair, rumored to have drank over 60 beers on a cross country flight, and then threatened to fight the flight attendant after she refused to serve him more, it seems like she would have cut him off oh i dont know maybe 60 BEERS before hand. And to top it off he won a World Series with the Yankees after leaving Boston. How cool was this guy. Also threw a knuckleball. In RBI hes good for doubles and the occasional homerun even though he doesnt have great power numbers. However he will occasionally go into prolonged slumps, often inciting "stinkbag" comments from Josh.
ER 8/10
4. Jim Rice Rice is another decent player, actually the whole Red Sox lineup is decent and capable of hitting one out of the park and Rice is no exception. He is however remarkably slow even for the Red Sox. Josh tends to enjoy relatively good success with Rice. Of course all Red Sox fans will insanely argue that this man deserves to go to the Hall of Fame. He might but I hope he never does in spite of Red Sox fans. Also I believe I read somewhere that this guy was a complete asshole.
ER 7/10
5. Don Baylor Baylor is also effective and is inexplicably the fastest Red Sox even though in the real world he hadnt been a legitimate base stealing threat in nearly a decade. This however will not be the only occurrence of the real world and RBI world not being alike. The real Don Baylor was good at getting hit by pitches and was completely overmatched as a manager, especially with the Cubs. RBI Don Baylor can mash especially if you try busting him inside or accidentally swinging a pitch across the plate to soon.
ER 7/10
6. Dwight Evans For some reason neither me nor Josh can ever play good with this guy. He was a good player in real life but that does not translate to NES life, only reason he stays in the lineup is that theres no one better on the bench after all of the necessary substitutions. I also own about 5,000 Dwight Evans 1991 Upper Deck cards with him in his Baltimore Orioles jersey, priceless, I wonder how many people foolishly bought one of those, and if you know anyone tell me because I would like to purchase it.
ER 4/10
7. Rich Gedman This guy sucks too, always a threat to get pulled, instead of Buckner, when Josh plays, he is unbelievably slow and has an incredibly weak arm so if youve got St. Louis you can run all day. I dont know much about him in real life because by the time I started following baseball closely he was bouncing around the league. He will hit the occasional homerun, maybe once or twice in a lifetime. Worthless.
ER 3/10
8. Spike Owen Poor Spike never gets any love in any RBI game Ive played. Hes always taken out so I have no idea what he can do. In RBI 2 and 3 he is taken out before the games even begin, but in the original he at least gets to play a couple of innings in the field before his turn in the order. If its any consolation I always liked his name, especially the fact that his given name is Spike.
ER N/A
Bench:
Ellis Burks Ellis is really good, and arguably the best player on the Red Sox as it seems to me he has the most speed and can hit for power. Josh usually bats him leadoff where he is pretty effective. I always thought Ellis would be the last active player from RBI, but I was wrong as his career ended last season with the Sox. I always like Ellis in real life, for no real reason, and always considered him to be somewhat underrated.
ER 8/10
Dave Henderson Dave as he is known to me and my friends, so he would not be confused with Ricky on the RBI 3 A's team, is usually subbed in for Buckner or Gedman by Josh. He is a pretty dangerous hitter, especially inside fastballs. However whatever ability he has on this game is absent in the RBI 3 version as he is easily one of the most disappointing and frustrating players on that A's team.
ER 6/10
Tony Armas. In real life this guy could crush the ball, and that was about it as his average and OBP would even make Rob Deer and Steve Balboni blush. On RBI however he sucks despite his 43 homeruns. If you pitch him outside its a guaranteed ground ball to third base. Hes so lowly regarded that Josh bats him 8th in the order in place of Spike.
ER 2/10 so low because his stats make you think he might actually be good.
Marc Sullivan In real life this guy was atrocious, and statistically the worst player in the game. He was however the grandson of the guy who owned the team so that may have had something to do with him playing five years with the Sox despite his career .186 average. In RBI he is not to be taken lightly. I used to throw him down the middle as I would a pitcher but he made me pay by depositing a couple over the other side of the fence. He is the total opposite of Armas in the fact that he performs surprisingly well despite his numbers.
ER 5/10
Pitching: Roger Clemens. Roger is, of course one of the final four remaining active players from the RBI game and my new odds on favorite to be the last player from the game to retire. Clemens is one of the top 3 pitchers on the game and has a devastating fastball. In real life though Clemens is one of my least favorite players ever. Although he did have one of my favorite moments in baseball history with his meltdown in the ALCS against Oakland, where he came out with the war paint on his face and the brightly colored shoelaces before getting ejected early in the game for arguing balls and strikes. Also I like the fact that his son Koby Clemens has Pete Rose Jr. potential, in the fact that in twenty years when you go to type in Clemens on baseball-reference.com youll see these career numbers for Koby. BA .170 HR. 1 RBI 6 over about 45 games in parts of three seasons with the Astros.
ER 9/10
Bruce Hurst: Surprisingly effective second starter. In games between me and Josh since we pitch all over the place we usually burn through the whole staff during the course of a game and Hurst can be counted on for three solid innings and is a good change of pace from Clemens because hes left handed and throws curve balls well. However he is sucepitble to giving up the occasional huge 4 or 5 run inning, which effectively puts the game out of reach.
ER: 6.5/10
Calvin Schiraldi: Schiraldi is to be avoided at all costs. Even though he had a 1.41 ERA in 1986 he blew two games in the World Series and is equally unreliable in RBI. Do not use him for more than a batter or two and never when hlding on to a one run laed.
ER: 3/10
Bob Stanley: Stanley is a good reliever and has a pretty wicked wiggler pitch with tons of movement. He is a pretty good closer but should only be used for an inning. I have nothing else to add about Stanley, because I hardly remember him as a real player. In the game he has been known to give up the occasional long ball but is pretty steady.
E/R 6/10
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
AHHHHHHH!!!!!
Big day today for Detroit area sports, the Pistons won to force a game seven, and the Tigers beat the Twins at the Metrodome to go over .500. I always loved how it is such a big deal for Tigers fans for the Tigers to be one game over .500 this late in the season, yet in places like New York, Boston or St. Louis, if the team were playing this bad Joe Torre would be getting fired, Terry Franconas head would be on a stick, and Tony La Russas body would be floating down the Mississippi. Irregardless, Im still excited about this Tigers team. Bonderman pitched great again tonight, which means hes getting closer and closer to the twenty wins my friend predicted and which the rest of us, as in the ones not heavily involved in drugs dismissed. Of course with each win that Bonderman gets, my friend who predicted the twenty wins becomes increasingly insufferable with the amount of gloating he does.
Before I continue I would like to correct, or update, some of the things I have previously wrote.
First off I once mentioned I have a friend with the mentality of a twelve year old. The more I think about that the more I realize Im selling him short. Sure he likes the same things as twelve year old boys would, cartoons, Gameboy, marijuana, etc..... but hes actually quite remarkable in the fact that he can multitask like no one Ive ever seen before. My friend, well hes Tizzy the one from the Macker tournament, can play Xbox, watch DVDs on his computer, maintain multiple instant message conversations, listen to the Tigers game on the radio, and still manage to maintain an itelligable conversation on his phone, while absorbing everything that goes on about him. Its like he never learned the process of selective attention, which instead of being a hindrance gave him the supernatural ability to perform everything at once. However when God divvys out talents he usually seems to give out the bad with the good, and Tizzy is no exception. Other than being able to absorb all of the information in his surrounding environment, Tizzy was also given a lateral line. I didnt come up with this, and I wish I could remember which friend did so I could give them their proper due, but whenever Tizzy is being attacked or wrestled with he has a defense mechanism which produces its own thin slime layer. Its not just sweat either its the same kind of sensation one gets from picking up a fish, its like he becomes super slippery and if you have him in a bear hug he runs the risk of popping out of your grasp, the same way a bar of soap would. Even though it sounds like this could be beneficial, it just makes him disgusting to everyone, but in his own unique way.
Secondly, I was trying to figure out what was irritating, or strange about the shape of Placido Polanco's head, when my one friend Josh revealed the answer to me. It looks as if Placido is storing sunflower seeds all over his face, in his jaw, temples, forehead, etc. No one could have been able to describe Placido's look better. On a positive note it no longer makes me angry to look at Placido, in fact I rather enjoy it, because now he just looks like a hamster storing food away in his cheeks, for a later day.
Finally in my post going over the Devil Rays roster I said Lance Carter might be the worst all-star representative ever. I was wrong. The absolute worst All-Star ever, and I can not believe I forgot about him is Roger Pavlik in 1996. Granted his won loss record was respectable seeing as how he went 15-8, but his ERA was over 5.00, and he gave up over a hit an inning, and walked 80 batters to go along with 120 strikeouts. But the thing that really sets him apart from the rest in my mind, is the fact that the 1996 Texas Rangers were not a bad team, I mean they won the AL West and went to the playoffs, so its not like he was the lone representative on a horrible team, like Carter or Robert Fick were. In fact the AL MVP for that year, the always loathsome, especially for Tigers fans, Juan Gonzalez didnt go to the All-Star game that year. Dean Palmer, didnt go either, even though he hit 38 homeruns, and had over 100 RBIS. And if they had to take a pitcher Ken Hill, actually had a great year that year considering how much lower his ERA was compared to the league average. Not to mention that Pavlik was selected over the immortal Mickey Tettleton and Mike Henneman. But enough harping on Pavlik, Im sure he is a nice enough guy, well actually I bet he isnt, I bet he rubs his All Star prestige in everybodys face. When he's at the Denny's in Arlington he probably goes into a whole, "Do you know who the f--- I am, Im Roger f---ing Pavlik, I was an All-Star, I could buy this place, and you won' let me sleep in your f---ing dumpster!" Or even worse he probably shows up at crappy small town Little League games under the title Former Rangers great, as all the little kids get excited that they might be meeting Nolan Ryan, Pudge, or Al Oliver only to find Pavlik sitting under a tent wearing sunglasses and reeking of vodka. By the way I only write this last part because it happened to me once. I was enticed to stay after practice to meet a Tigers legend from the 68 World Series team, I was a big baseball fan even then and was running the names through my head, Al Kaline, Willie Horton, Mickey Lolich, who could it be? It was Mickey Stanley, who stayed for about fifteen minutes was probably drunk, absolutely surly, and signed maybe two items. Needless to say I quit Little League a week later, my dream of becoming a professional ballplayer shattered by witnessing in person, at such an impressionable age, the frailty of being a professional athlete. He was the complete opposite of everything I had ever imagined would become of a professional big leaguer, a crusty old curmudgeon. Enough of this though, I fear Im getting to deep, somehow I started writing about Roger Pavlik, and veered towards a Little League experience from fifteen years ago as being responsible for my jaded outlook on life.
Before I continue I would like to correct, or update, some of the things I have previously wrote.
First off I once mentioned I have a friend with the mentality of a twelve year old. The more I think about that the more I realize Im selling him short. Sure he likes the same things as twelve year old boys would, cartoons, Gameboy, marijuana, etc..... but hes actually quite remarkable in the fact that he can multitask like no one Ive ever seen before. My friend, well hes Tizzy the one from the Macker tournament, can play Xbox, watch DVDs on his computer, maintain multiple instant message conversations, listen to the Tigers game on the radio, and still manage to maintain an itelligable conversation on his phone, while absorbing everything that goes on about him. Its like he never learned the process of selective attention, which instead of being a hindrance gave him the supernatural ability to perform everything at once. However when God divvys out talents he usually seems to give out the bad with the good, and Tizzy is no exception. Other than being able to absorb all of the information in his surrounding environment, Tizzy was also given a lateral line. I didnt come up with this, and I wish I could remember which friend did so I could give them their proper due, but whenever Tizzy is being attacked or wrestled with he has a defense mechanism which produces its own thin slime layer. Its not just sweat either its the same kind of sensation one gets from picking up a fish, its like he becomes super slippery and if you have him in a bear hug he runs the risk of popping out of your grasp, the same way a bar of soap would. Even though it sounds like this could be beneficial, it just makes him disgusting to everyone, but in his own unique way.
Secondly, I was trying to figure out what was irritating, or strange about the shape of Placido Polanco's head, when my one friend Josh revealed the answer to me. It looks as if Placido is storing sunflower seeds all over his face, in his jaw, temples, forehead, etc. No one could have been able to describe Placido's look better. On a positive note it no longer makes me angry to look at Placido, in fact I rather enjoy it, because now he just looks like a hamster storing food away in his cheeks, for a later day.
Finally in my post going over the Devil Rays roster I said Lance Carter might be the worst all-star representative ever. I was wrong. The absolute worst All-Star ever, and I can not believe I forgot about him is Roger Pavlik in 1996. Granted his won loss record was respectable seeing as how he went 15-8, but his ERA was over 5.00, and he gave up over a hit an inning, and walked 80 batters to go along with 120 strikeouts. But the thing that really sets him apart from the rest in my mind, is the fact that the 1996 Texas Rangers were not a bad team, I mean they won the AL West and went to the playoffs, so its not like he was the lone representative on a horrible team, like Carter or Robert Fick were. In fact the AL MVP for that year, the always loathsome, especially for Tigers fans, Juan Gonzalez didnt go to the All-Star game that year. Dean Palmer, didnt go either, even though he hit 38 homeruns, and had over 100 RBIS. And if they had to take a pitcher Ken Hill, actually had a great year that year considering how much lower his ERA was compared to the league average. Not to mention that Pavlik was selected over the immortal Mickey Tettleton and Mike Henneman. But enough harping on Pavlik, Im sure he is a nice enough guy, well actually I bet he isnt, I bet he rubs his All Star prestige in everybodys face. When he's at the Denny's in Arlington he probably goes into a whole, "Do you know who the f--- I am, Im Roger f---ing Pavlik, I was an All-Star, I could buy this place, and you won' let me sleep in your f---ing dumpster!" Or even worse he probably shows up at crappy small town Little League games under the title Former Rangers great, as all the little kids get excited that they might be meeting Nolan Ryan, Pudge, or Al Oliver only to find Pavlik sitting under a tent wearing sunglasses and reeking of vodka. By the way I only write this last part because it happened to me once. I was enticed to stay after practice to meet a Tigers legend from the 68 World Series team, I was a big baseball fan even then and was running the names through my head, Al Kaline, Willie Horton, Mickey Lolich, who could it be? It was Mickey Stanley, who stayed for about fifteen minutes was probably drunk, absolutely surly, and signed maybe two items. Needless to say I quit Little League a week later, my dream of becoming a professional ballplayer shattered by witnessing in person, at such an impressionable age, the frailty of being a professional athlete. He was the complete opposite of everything I had ever imagined would become of a professional big leaguer, a crusty old curmudgeon. Enough of this though, I fear Im getting to deep, somehow I started writing about Roger Pavlik, and veered towards a Little League experience from fifteen years ago as being responsible for my jaded outlook on life.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Pistons-Tigers Update
Tonights Pistons game was amazing. Thirty one point victory, I would have never believed that any game in this series would have been decided by a margin as large as thirty points. I'm not sure what a lot of peoples opinions of Hubie Brown are as an announcer, but I think hes great to listen to. I also wonder if hes actually alive. I think hes probably been dead for about twenty plus years. Here is what I assume his daily routine is. Emerge from vault around five-ish in the evening. Re-apply any clumps of decomposing flesh which may have fallen off during sleep, before arriving to the arena in a hearse. Call the game. Leave arena and start to harvest bodies/souls. Take bath/soak in young mens blood to sustain himself for another day. I bet in whatever cities that Hubies calling games in the missing person total goes up by about 10 or 12. Another thing I hate to read about, and that the national media seems to focus a lot of attention on is the low rating for the Finals games. I never understood why this is newsworthy. 1) I am watching the game, thats for sure, as are 99% of my friends, (wait im not friends with a hundred people so how could I get 99%, im not even friends with 4 people). So then 100% of my friends are going to watch the game. 2) The NBA Finals, no matter how low the ratings may be, will never NOT be broadcast on TV, the networks pay and make too much money for them not to be televised, and even if they dont come on a network channel, Im sure one of the 2,983 other cable channels will carry the games. 3) Why would I care if some fruit picker in Southern California decides to go siesta instead of appreciating Lindsey Hunters tenacious defense or if some housewife in suburban Atlanta decides to watch "Hit Me Baby One More Time" on another network instead of the Finals. Its not like Im going to randomly call up someone and say "Did you watch the game?" have her say no and then become so flustered that i wont have any idea what to talk about. Not going to happen, so please stop informing me of ratings and percentages. Please.
Meanwhile the Tigers just completed an impressive sweep over the Padres, meaning that the Pads have never won a game in Detroit, which is kind of a cool stat. I like that Detroit had to beat San Diegos two best starters to get the sweep. Bonderman pitched great again today, and now has 8 victories with about 40% of the season completed, which actually puts him on pace for my one friends drug induced prediction of 20 wins this season. This is a quality of marijuana that the government never tells you about. They always harp on memory loss, and impaired motor skills, but never inform you of the seer-like abilities that happen as a result of the drug. You need burnout friends to find this stuff out for you. The Padres were getting desperate to beat Detroit, I even read that if they were to play a fourth game in this series they were going to drag Tim Lollar out of retirement to make an emergency start. Another great sign from this series, well from this week in general has been the outstanding play of Placido Polanco. I watched him yesterday go opposite field against Eaton three times, all of them were impressive at bats too. The only unnerving thing about Polanco so far, other than his name, which Ive already touched on, is the shape of his head. Right now Im at a complete loss for words on how to describe the shape or why it irritates me so much, However I am going to tomorrows Tigers game against the Giants, so maybe if I see it in person, Ill be better able to describe the effect it has on me, if one even exists. Oh well, Im excited about the Tigers game tomorrow night, and will post about it in the near future.
Meanwhile the Tigers just completed an impressive sweep over the Padres, meaning that the Pads have never won a game in Detroit, which is kind of a cool stat. I like that Detroit had to beat San Diegos two best starters to get the sweep. Bonderman pitched great again today, and now has 8 victories with about 40% of the season completed, which actually puts him on pace for my one friends drug induced prediction of 20 wins this season. This is a quality of marijuana that the government never tells you about. They always harp on memory loss, and impaired motor skills, but never inform you of the seer-like abilities that happen as a result of the drug. You need burnout friends to find this stuff out for you. The Padres were getting desperate to beat Detroit, I even read that if they were to play a fourth game in this series they were going to drag Tim Lollar out of retirement to make an emergency start. Another great sign from this series, well from this week in general has been the outstanding play of Placido Polanco. I watched him yesterday go opposite field against Eaton three times, all of them were impressive at bats too. The only unnerving thing about Polanco so far, other than his name, which Ive already touched on, is the shape of his head. Right now Im at a complete loss for words on how to describe the shape or why it irritates me so much, However I am going to tomorrows Tigers game against the Giants, so maybe if I see it in person, Ill be better able to describe the effect it has on me, if one even exists. Oh well, Im excited about the Tigers game tomorrow night, and will post about it in the near future.
Monday, June 13, 2005
Macker Weekend
I was unable to watch any of this weekends Tigers series because me and a couple of my friends, Tizzy and Arnie, were playing in the Gus Macker tournament, down in Taylor, Michigan. I don't care much for writing about my personal life in these posts, because......well whoever is reading this doesn't know me, so why the hell would you care about my day to day activities. Anyways I feel obliged to share the tale of the beatdown my friends and I, Tizzy and Arnie (pseudonyms of course........I've never been a fan of nicknames amongst friends, because it approaches a level of intimacy that I don't really care to share with my "friends", also friends is in quotations because as my one college roommate, the aforementioned Arnie, once said, "we don't have friends just close enemies.")
Forget the parentheses, I feel the need to expand on this topic a bit. Me and my friends have an interesting group dynamic, which can probably be gleaned from my room mates comment. The majority of my friends and I grew up in the same town, well practically the same neighborhood. From the beginning none of us really cared for one another, but we all shared the same trait, which forced our bond and in turn formed the foundation for our friendship. That trait was laziness. None of us wanted to really give the effort to forge friendships with people outside the area of a two minute bike ride, or short walk. Therefore our relationships with one another were based on a sense of proximity more than, shared traits, common interests, etc...... all of the things which, normal and I assume healthy friendships are built on. There is no sense of trust or interest of the general well being of other members of the group, and we try to discourage and bring down anyone that we feel threatens the stability of the group by actually achieving something that they may be proud of or make them stand out amongst us. However this is probably pretty common for most people growing up, where they befriend a neighbor, until high school and drivers licenses and all that cal and then slowly drift apart. My group was no exception to this as upon entering high school most of us from the neighborhood branched out into different social groups and friendships. However after a short time we drug our newfound friends into our same miserable group mentality and effectively ruined their social lives, which they in turn resented and hated us for. For example if a couple of my friends started to hang out frequently, they would be referred to as lovers and ridiculed mercilessly until they stopped. If one got a girlfriend the single ones would become antagonistic and subconsciously and covertly try to ruin their relationship through repeated barbs and the enticement of Nintendo, a very powerful weapon. This is not to say that my group of friends are a lot of dropouts, burnouts, ne'er do wells, in fact its quite the opposite considering our hometown, in the fact that we almost all went to college, received degrees, and are on the verge of decent jobs or grad school...........and this is a long drawn out reason for why I don't like nicknames amongst friends.
The fourth man on the Macker team was a big burly guy who used to live in the neighborhood, and whom we befriended, but mostly out of fear because he was older then us, twice our size, and a little bit mental. His name is Rob, (not a pseudonym). I was a late addition to the Macker team because last year I bailed on them to go on a trip to New York, which was about the easiest decision I ever made, but apparently upsetting to the team. I brushed it off and likened my behavior to the immortal Cedric Ceballos, I mean I just needed a vacation, who cares if its in the middle of a basketball season, or in this case local, crappy, 3 on 3 tourney. However they were a wary that I would go AWOL again so they didn't ask me to join until they had decided on a team name, which was (ugh) D-Unit. I would have called our team "Don't be a faggot", but it wasn't my decision to make. Also against my protests we made t- shirts just like a JV girls soccer team, complete with nicknames on the back. I was half expecting my friend Arnie to put something ridiculous like Short Stuf (yes with one f) and number 1/2. However much to my chagrin I was the only one to go with a nickname, I chose Dr. Thunderfoot, and number 00 of course (representing Benoit Benjamin).
We arrived in Taylor early Saturday morning, we consisting of my team already mentioned, and my teammates three girlfriends, which made me an unprecedented seventh wheel. Im not sure if an occurrence like that has ever happened before but I now hold the record unofficially until proven otherwise. I had to room with Tizzy and his girl, who Id never met but who I immediately knew was on her period, not because of her attitude but because of a smell, an uncanny and unfortunate attribute that I have. Apparently when God was handing out talents, me and Sasquatch were on the short end of the stick. Because if youve ever watched Unsolved Mysteries you would know that Bigfoot is attracted to menstruating women. But enough of that. The first team we played was the Seven Mile Doggs. There were two possible scenarios regarding this 7 mile team. 1) dorky white guys, with a tongue in cheek street cred name or 2) 4 tall black guys who were in the No Experience bracket because apparently The Michigan State Penitentiary Basketball team does not qualify as an Experience league. Unfortunately it was the latter. You can guess how that turned out. 15-4 Doggs, only made close because they were determined to score their last 3 points by each dunking on us. The next game we played against a team named Spiced Lightning, a team we should have beat and were beating until midway through the game I landed on someones foot. POP! I now know what it feels like to have no foot, to have your tibia and fibula touch the pavement, and it is not good. I immediately hopped off the court and watched Arnie, who was completely outsized by the guy I was guarding, get killed on the offensive glass, and eventually lose the game.
Anyways I'm really not going to post much more regarding the Macker weekend, except that after the game my friend Arnie proceeded to drink heavily for oh.........about the next six hours. So the next morning we found him comatose on the hotel room bed. Of course he was to hungover, (or would it be hanged over?) to play, and I already had an ankle with a baseball growing out of the side of it rendering me almost completely immobile. Still though, with essentially two and a half men, we almost won our third and final game, even though my first step on defense was as quick as that of an uninjured person wearing cement shoes. Hopefully Greg Kelser hasn't copyrighted that saying yet. Speaking of Pistons broadcasters, I wonder if any one has ever had the heart to tell Fred McLeod that he probably shouldn't refer to shots that bounce around the rim before going in as "rubber rim jobs". Ive always pictured the situation as McLeod being really proud of creating that little phrase and a conversation going as follows:Kelser: "Hey, Fred you know that rubber rim job thing you always say?"McLeod(cutting in): "Yeah isnt it great, I remember it just came to me, just a catchy little somewhat alliterative phrase, just kind of rolls off the tongue, Im really proud of that one. So whats up Greg?"Kelser: (being polite as he seems he would be) " Oh nothing......err do you think Rips gay I was gonna ask him out, you know just to make Zeke jealous and all."They need a drunk and belligerant Mark Champion to break it to McLeod, have him fill in for Kelser one day and be like, "You know Fred a rim job is when you get your asshole licked". Now that would be color commentary. Anyways my team was eliminated from the Macker after playing the bare minimum of three games. Pathetic, yet fun.
Forget the parentheses, I feel the need to expand on this topic a bit. Me and my friends have an interesting group dynamic, which can probably be gleaned from my room mates comment. The majority of my friends and I grew up in the same town, well practically the same neighborhood. From the beginning none of us really cared for one another, but we all shared the same trait, which forced our bond and in turn formed the foundation for our friendship. That trait was laziness. None of us wanted to really give the effort to forge friendships with people outside the area of a two minute bike ride, or short walk. Therefore our relationships with one another were based on a sense of proximity more than, shared traits, common interests, etc...... all of the things which, normal and I assume healthy friendships are built on. There is no sense of trust or interest of the general well being of other members of the group, and we try to discourage and bring down anyone that we feel threatens the stability of the group by actually achieving something that they may be proud of or make them stand out amongst us. However this is probably pretty common for most people growing up, where they befriend a neighbor, until high school and drivers licenses and all that cal and then slowly drift apart. My group was no exception to this as upon entering high school most of us from the neighborhood branched out into different social groups and friendships. However after a short time we drug our newfound friends into our same miserable group mentality and effectively ruined their social lives, which they in turn resented and hated us for. For example if a couple of my friends started to hang out frequently, they would be referred to as lovers and ridiculed mercilessly until they stopped. If one got a girlfriend the single ones would become antagonistic and subconsciously and covertly try to ruin their relationship through repeated barbs and the enticement of Nintendo, a very powerful weapon. This is not to say that my group of friends are a lot of dropouts, burnouts, ne'er do wells, in fact its quite the opposite considering our hometown, in the fact that we almost all went to college, received degrees, and are on the verge of decent jobs or grad school...........and this is a long drawn out reason for why I don't like nicknames amongst friends.
The fourth man on the Macker team was a big burly guy who used to live in the neighborhood, and whom we befriended, but mostly out of fear because he was older then us, twice our size, and a little bit mental. His name is Rob, (not a pseudonym). I was a late addition to the Macker team because last year I bailed on them to go on a trip to New York, which was about the easiest decision I ever made, but apparently upsetting to the team. I brushed it off and likened my behavior to the immortal Cedric Ceballos, I mean I just needed a vacation, who cares if its in the middle of a basketball season, or in this case local, crappy, 3 on 3 tourney. However they were a wary that I would go AWOL again so they didn't ask me to join until they had decided on a team name, which was (ugh) D-Unit. I would have called our team "Don't be a faggot", but it wasn't my decision to make. Also against my protests we made t- shirts just like a JV girls soccer team, complete with nicknames on the back. I was half expecting my friend Arnie to put something ridiculous like Short Stuf (yes with one f) and number 1/2. However much to my chagrin I was the only one to go with a nickname, I chose Dr. Thunderfoot, and number 00 of course (representing Benoit Benjamin).
We arrived in Taylor early Saturday morning, we consisting of my team already mentioned, and my teammates three girlfriends, which made me an unprecedented seventh wheel. Im not sure if an occurrence like that has ever happened before but I now hold the record unofficially until proven otherwise. I had to room with Tizzy and his girl, who Id never met but who I immediately knew was on her period, not because of her attitude but because of a smell, an uncanny and unfortunate attribute that I have. Apparently when God was handing out talents, me and Sasquatch were on the short end of the stick. Because if youve ever watched Unsolved Mysteries you would know that Bigfoot is attracted to menstruating women. But enough of that. The first team we played was the Seven Mile Doggs. There were two possible scenarios regarding this 7 mile team. 1) dorky white guys, with a tongue in cheek street cred name or 2) 4 tall black guys who were in the No Experience bracket because apparently The Michigan State Penitentiary Basketball team does not qualify as an Experience league. Unfortunately it was the latter. You can guess how that turned out. 15-4 Doggs, only made close because they were determined to score their last 3 points by each dunking on us. The next game we played against a team named Spiced Lightning, a team we should have beat and were beating until midway through the game I landed on someones foot. POP! I now know what it feels like to have no foot, to have your tibia and fibula touch the pavement, and it is not good. I immediately hopped off the court and watched Arnie, who was completely outsized by the guy I was guarding, get killed on the offensive glass, and eventually lose the game.
Anyways I'm really not going to post much more regarding the Macker weekend, except that after the game my friend Arnie proceeded to drink heavily for oh.........about the next six hours. So the next morning we found him comatose on the hotel room bed. Of course he was to hungover, (or would it be hanged over?) to play, and I already had an ankle with a baseball growing out of the side of it rendering me almost completely immobile. Still though, with essentially two and a half men, we almost won our third and final game, even though my first step on defense was as quick as that of an uninjured person wearing cement shoes. Hopefully Greg Kelser hasn't copyrighted that saying yet. Speaking of Pistons broadcasters, I wonder if any one has ever had the heart to tell Fred McLeod that he probably shouldn't refer to shots that bounce around the rim before going in as "rubber rim jobs". Ive always pictured the situation as McLeod being really proud of creating that little phrase and a conversation going as follows:Kelser: "Hey, Fred you know that rubber rim job thing you always say?"McLeod(cutting in): "Yeah isnt it great, I remember it just came to me, just a catchy little somewhat alliterative phrase, just kind of rolls off the tongue, Im really proud of that one. So whats up Greg?"Kelser: (being polite as he seems he would be) " Oh nothing......err do you think Rips gay I was gonna ask him out, you know just to make Zeke jealous and all."They need a drunk and belligerant Mark Champion to break it to McLeod, have him fill in for Kelser one day and be like, "You know Fred a rim job is when you get your asshole licked". Now that would be color commentary. Anyways my team was eliminated from the Macker after playing the bare minimum of three games. Pathetic, yet fun.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Another Update
I told you that I can never think of any creative titles for my posts. It took me nearly 15 minutes to come up with this title. I could never work at a newspaper because I lack the ability to grab a readers attention, I would probably continuously submit articles headlined.......... Another Accident, or More Dead, but I digress. Anyways its been a while since I last posted and a lot has happened with the Tigers in the meantime, with the biggest news being todays trade between Detroit and the Phillies that sent Ugueth and Ramon Martinez to Philly for Placido Polanco. My initial reaction to the move was anger because over the last year and a half I had really grown to like Ugie...........or is it Oogey, can I get a definitive answer on this please. Anyways both teams traded their strengths to overcome weaknesses, so you cant fault either team there. However, I immediately called up my friends with the news of the Ugueth trade after seeing it during my 671st ESPN.com page refresh of the day, thereby justifying the time I spend online, especially on the espn webpage waiting for any news. Anyways the immediate reaction from my friends as well as myself was that none of us like Polanco, strictly because of his name. I know on previous reports I have harped on my dislike for the word blog, because I think it sounds vulgar, and for some reason I feel the same about Placido's name. I cant quite put my finger on why I dislike it but I think its because I associate his first name with the word flaccid a word which I in turn associate with a limp penis. However, I think everybody associates the word flaccid with that, I mean I dont think I ve ever heard it used in a different context, like for example, someone saying, "Check and see if the spaghetti is flaccid yet", it just sounds disturbing.........Oh well I think trading for Placido is a good move, just because Guillen is hurting, Infante blows, and I dont think Tony Graffanino, or I mean Giarrarrarrttarranrrno is ready to play and be effective everyday.
Also Chris Shelton is back with the Tigers after tearing up Triple A, which raises the question, has there ever been a more unlikely looking professional athlete as Chris Shelton, He looks as though he should be working in a sausage factory, or behind the counter of the local Dunkin' Donuts. The person he reminds me the most of is an overweight Robert Fick..........I think I may have just uncovered Sheltons secret, I think he was probably an unassuming minor leaguer in the Pittsburgh system, who had a chance encounter with Fick somewhere, ate him, absorbed his powers which he combined with his own natural ability, and skyrocketed through the minors as a result, much like Majinn Buu used to do on Dragonball Z. Mind you I never watched Dragonball Z willingly, its just I have a friend, who is 22, (I dont want anyone to think I am a chester), but has a mentality of a 12 year old. He was obsessed with the Dragonball show, and talked to me and my friends incessantly about it, and for some reason this completely useless info stuck around for years, taking up valuable space in my brain which could have been used for my learning German in college. Speaking of stolen identities Vance Wilson is horrific, I think it's Matt Walbeck in disguise, back for seconds with the Tigers, I think Walbecks been able to fool people by wearing those stupid angular sunglasses.
some quick thoughts about ESPN programming- I liked the idea of battle of the gridiron stars but the execution was horrible. I think the show would have been better had they ended each episode with a special event, such as who can snort the most lines of coke off of strippers bodies, or who can successfully mask their drug tests. Also how did they decide on having Harold Reynolds involved, he played baseball, I bet he either stowed away on the flight to Hawaii, or happened to be vacationing at the same resort where they filmed it. And Im sure that Sean Salisbury would have been falling over himself to be involved, however I believe the Mannings probably have a restraining order against him, since he slurps Peyton so much. Of course you know Merrill Hoge would have turned his nose down at the whole idea, of such a competition. Finally whos idea was it to release TILT on DVD, is anyone going to buy this? did anyone watch one episode of this? Now we are once again subjected to more commercials with Norman Chad explaining why they call Michael Madsen the Matador. I think I would rather be skinned alive than watch the whole season of TILT, and yes ESPN the DVD would make a great Fathers Day gift, but only if you really hated the man, then it would be great to get it in spite of him.
Also Chris Shelton is back with the Tigers after tearing up Triple A, which raises the question, has there ever been a more unlikely looking professional athlete as Chris Shelton, He looks as though he should be working in a sausage factory, or behind the counter of the local Dunkin' Donuts. The person he reminds me the most of is an overweight Robert Fick..........I think I may have just uncovered Sheltons secret, I think he was probably an unassuming minor leaguer in the Pittsburgh system, who had a chance encounter with Fick somewhere, ate him, absorbed his powers which he combined with his own natural ability, and skyrocketed through the minors as a result, much like Majinn Buu used to do on Dragonball Z. Mind you I never watched Dragonball Z willingly, its just I have a friend, who is 22, (I dont want anyone to think I am a chester), but has a mentality of a 12 year old. He was obsessed with the Dragonball show, and talked to me and my friends incessantly about it, and for some reason this completely useless info stuck around for years, taking up valuable space in my brain which could have been used for my learning German in college. Speaking of stolen identities Vance Wilson is horrific, I think it's Matt Walbeck in disguise, back for seconds with the Tigers, I think Walbecks been able to fool people by wearing those stupid angular sunglasses.
some quick thoughts about ESPN programming- I liked the idea of battle of the gridiron stars but the execution was horrible. I think the show would have been better had they ended each episode with a special event, such as who can snort the most lines of coke off of strippers bodies, or who can successfully mask their drug tests. Also how did they decide on having Harold Reynolds involved, he played baseball, I bet he either stowed away on the flight to Hawaii, or happened to be vacationing at the same resort where they filmed it. And Im sure that Sean Salisbury would have been falling over himself to be involved, however I believe the Mannings probably have a restraining order against him, since he slurps Peyton so much. Of course you know Merrill Hoge would have turned his nose down at the whole idea, of such a competition. Finally whos idea was it to release TILT on DVD, is anyone going to buy this? did anyone watch one episode of this? Now we are once again subjected to more commercials with Norman Chad explaining why they call Michael Madsen the Matador. I think I would rather be skinned alive than watch the whole season of TILT, and yes ESPN the DVD would make a great Fathers Day gift, but only if you really hated the man, then it would be great to get it in spite of him.
Friday, May 27, 2005
Update
I have been a bad Tigers fan this season........there I admitted it. I ve only been to one game at Comerica and have not been able to watch every game on television this season. I don't have an explanation for why I haven't been watching, its not like I have work/girlfriends/distractions that prevent me from watching........I just don't. I think its a part of getting older, or just the feeling that I should be doing more important things, like its no longer acceptable to devote five nights a week to sitting alone in my house and watching a three hour long baseball game. But enough about that I have watched a fair amount of games, and the reliable and always scary Danny Knobler has kept me informed of the happenings within the organization and locker room. So with this information in hand I will now give a quarterly report on the entire Tigers roster, a task whose scope is so large that I will find it necessary to sleep until at least 4 oclock tomorrow afternoon just to recover, well actually I am sure I would be sleeping in tomorrow regardless but at least I now have a legitimate excuse, well at least its legitimate for me........
Jeremy Bonderman: I cant believe I almost got this prediction right, I thought I was being ridiculously optimistic in my predictions for his season but so far so good, and now if I've completely jinxed him you can put 100 percent of the blame on me. I haven't really been able to see him pitch much this season, but when I have hes been electric. He still reminds me of a bird or a fat toad, nevermind I cant say fat toad because that nickname already belongs to the immortal Hideki Irabu. I was concerned as I think nearly every Tigers fan was, when Bonderman missed that one start with dead arm. Luckily it was just a passing thing.........I think. Speaking of dead arms the Carlos Zambrano injury that he got from typing online too much must be one of the most absurd injuries in awhile. I can relate to Carlos because I myself have experienced dead arm from spending too much time online, however for an entirely different reason, usually on weekday nights when my room mate in college was staying at his girlfriends apartment. Also I believe I am close enough to Carlos that I can refer to him on a first name basis, this is based solely on the fact that he has been on my fantasy baseball team each year that he has been in the major leagues.
Mike Maroth: I also have gotten this one right so far. I thought Maroth would end up with about a .500 record and an ERA in the mid 4's based solely on the fact that its Mike Maroth and this is what he does every year. Im not really sure if I've seen him pitch more than a couple of innings this year but Im assuming its still the same bland soft tossing lefty stuff hes been doing for over three years. Mike Maroth is my candidate for the potential Willie Blair/Kent Bottenfield season, a season in which none of Maroths stats are any better except for his won-loss record, a season in which he'll get insane run support in his starts, which will in turn result in a season where he goes 18-8. I only remember Bottenfield because I may be the only person to have drafted him in fantasy sports the following season. I always have a penchant for making ridiculous sleeper picks, because my arrogance about my baseball knowledge leads me to believe I can win the title with a lineup that contains nearly no household names. In an unrelated story I have never won my fantasy baseball league, and Bottenfield sucked with the Angels.........of course.
Nate Robertson: Robertson worries me in the fact that he now throws as hard as Maroth, but with no control. Robertson sports an ERA of 2.96 which is misleading because ten of his runs are unearned including five in one game against the Angels. However that Angels game was the one game I attended and let me tell you he was pitching like feces. However it did not help that the Tigers, inexplicably, could not turn a double play to save their lives in that game which resulted in all the unearned runs, but Robertson was still throwing BP fastballs and everything the Los Angeles of Anaheim of Orange County of the Great Golden State of California of the United States Of America hit was hit hard. However I do like Robertson because he wears goggles and I think that if I were a professional athlete I would also wear goggles even though I wear contacts in every day life. I would especially wear them if I played football, I always though Eric Dickerson looked badass in goggles, however Horace Grant was an asshole so I may have to rethink my position on this very important matter. Also I have no evidence that Horace Grant was an asshole but he seemed like he would be.
Jason Johnson: Johnson started off kind of slow, well actually he threw a shutout in his first start but it was against the Royals so that really shouldnt count, but he was also getting rocked in spring training and after his nightmare game against the Twins I was ready to designate him for assignment, but this is why I am not a GM nor will I ever be one. Since that Twins start he has pitched good and has his ERA in the mid 3's or a full two runs lower than I thought it would be, but he has a tendency to tire as the season wears on so we'll see how he does from here on out.
Fredo Ledezma: Ugh, I expected big things from him and so far he is off to a pretty rough start. Im not ready to give up on him of course because its only a quarter of the way through the season and that would be absurd. However I did expect better than this, watching him against the Yankees the other night was rough, they were absolutely teeing off on him. Oh well he will still be solid in the future and will come back and get his revenge against the Yankees. Also I wonder if Wil is the most prominent person to ever attend Ciudad Jardin University. I need some one to research this, I would try but I don't know Spanish and thats what there whole website is in. Also if Wil was born in 1981 and has been playing professional baseball for at least five years how old was he when he first started going to University. Something doesnt seem to add up, I smell a potential Deivi Cruz situation where one day I ll wake up to find that Wil is actually 32, a revelation which will throw me off for an entire day, as I try to come to grips with the fact that I may have actually slept for 8 years a feat that is surely not a question of if it will happen but when.
Jeremy Bonderman: I cant believe I almost got this prediction right, I thought I was being ridiculously optimistic in my predictions for his season but so far so good, and now if I've completely jinxed him you can put 100 percent of the blame on me. I haven't really been able to see him pitch much this season, but when I have hes been electric. He still reminds me of a bird or a fat toad, nevermind I cant say fat toad because that nickname already belongs to the immortal Hideki Irabu. I was concerned as I think nearly every Tigers fan was, when Bonderman missed that one start with dead arm. Luckily it was just a passing thing.........I think. Speaking of dead arms the Carlos Zambrano injury that he got from typing online too much must be one of the most absurd injuries in awhile. I can relate to Carlos because I myself have experienced dead arm from spending too much time online, however for an entirely different reason, usually on weekday nights when my room mate in college was staying at his girlfriends apartment. Also I believe I am close enough to Carlos that I can refer to him on a first name basis, this is based solely on the fact that he has been on my fantasy baseball team each year that he has been in the major leagues.
Mike Maroth: I also have gotten this one right so far. I thought Maroth would end up with about a .500 record and an ERA in the mid 4's based solely on the fact that its Mike Maroth and this is what he does every year. Im not really sure if I've seen him pitch more than a couple of innings this year but Im assuming its still the same bland soft tossing lefty stuff hes been doing for over three years. Mike Maroth is my candidate for the potential Willie Blair/Kent Bottenfield season, a season in which none of Maroths stats are any better except for his won-loss record, a season in which he'll get insane run support in his starts, which will in turn result in a season where he goes 18-8. I only remember Bottenfield because I may be the only person to have drafted him in fantasy sports the following season. I always have a penchant for making ridiculous sleeper picks, because my arrogance about my baseball knowledge leads me to believe I can win the title with a lineup that contains nearly no household names. In an unrelated story I have never won my fantasy baseball league, and Bottenfield sucked with the Angels.........of course.
Nate Robertson: Robertson worries me in the fact that he now throws as hard as Maroth, but with no control. Robertson sports an ERA of 2.96 which is misleading because ten of his runs are unearned including five in one game against the Angels. However that Angels game was the one game I attended and let me tell you he was pitching like feces. However it did not help that the Tigers, inexplicably, could not turn a double play to save their lives in that game which resulted in all the unearned runs, but Robertson was still throwing BP fastballs and everything the Los Angeles of Anaheim of Orange County of the Great Golden State of California of the United States Of America hit was hit hard. However I do like Robertson because he wears goggles and I think that if I were a professional athlete I would also wear goggles even though I wear contacts in every day life. I would especially wear them if I played football, I always though Eric Dickerson looked badass in goggles, however Horace Grant was an asshole so I may have to rethink my position on this very important matter. Also I have no evidence that Horace Grant was an asshole but he seemed like he would be.
Jason Johnson: Johnson started off kind of slow, well actually he threw a shutout in his first start but it was against the Royals so that really shouldnt count, but he was also getting rocked in spring training and after his nightmare game against the Twins I was ready to designate him for assignment, but this is why I am not a GM nor will I ever be one. Since that Twins start he has pitched good and has his ERA in the mid 3's or a full two runs lower than I thought it would be, but he has a tendency to tire as the season wears on so we'll see how he does from here on out.
Fredo Ledezma: Ugh, I expected big things from him and so far he is off to a pretty rough start. Im not ready to give up on him of course because its only a quarter of the way through the season and that would be absurd. However I did expect better than this, watching him against the Yankees the other night was rough, they were absolutely teeing off on him. Oh well he will still be solid in the future and will come back and get his revenge against the Yankees. Also I wonder if Wil is the most prominent person to ever attend Ciudad Jardin University. I need some one to research this, I would try but I don't know Spanish and thats what there whole website is in. Also if Wil was born in 1981 and has been playing professional baseball for at least five years how old was he when he first started going to University. Something doesnt seem to add up, I smell a potential Deivi Cruz situation where one day I ll wake up to find that Wil is actually 32, a revelation which will throw me off for an entire day, as I try to come to grips with the fact that I may have actually slept for 8 years a feat that is surely not a question of if it will happen but when.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Team Analog
That last post could only be described as a diatribe, I don't know how it got where it did, and it went on quite a bit longer than I expected it would. Also I dont like to make it look like I relish making obscure references and feel the need to point them out. After reading that I felt like whoever wrote that must be a pretentious asshole who ought to be punched in the face, so if anyone who has ever read this sees me walking down the street they get one free punch on me but not in the stomach I don't feel like dying Houdini style.
I got to watch tonights Tiger game on FSN Detroit for two reasons,
1: because it was actually being aired, and
2: there was no Pistons game on to rival it.
However there is not a more boring team to watch than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. I have never heard of any of the guys on their team, and the ones I have heard of are pretty depressing in the fact that you know they are at the end of the road guys like Charles Johnson,Hideo Nomo, and Casey Fossum, who was a key part of the trade that brought Curt Schilling to Boston................somehow. They also have the immortal Trever Miller, I believe I own about 500 1991 Topps Trever Miller draft pick baseball cards. A card that made me hope that one day Trever Miller would someday become a superstar, I mean if Topps picked him to be on a card so early in his career he must be good, because Topps had an eye for talent back then, making similar cards for Steve Searcy, and Hensley Meulens............nevermind. I'll run through the D-Rays roster really quick:
Danys Baez: Seemed like he was a big deal when he first arrived on the raft from Cuba, was with the Indians during the end of their AL Central Salad Days, always seemed to disappoint as a starter, and somehow ended up being traded to the D-Rays, also Ive never known how to properly say his first name is the S at the end silent?
Lance Carter: Brother of Aaron and Nick Carter, who gave up pursuit of celebrity in favor of a baseball career......well I made that up but Im sure its far more interesting than anything he has ever actually done in real life, although he may be the worst All-Star representative........ever.
Jesus Colome: I know nothing about this guy, but I like his name, possibly a stage name and my future porn movie name, although Im leaning towards Zesty Alvarado if and when I choose that path.
Lets just run through the rest of the pitchers, Ive already mentioned Fossum, I dont know who Travis Harper, John Switzer, or Doug Waechter are, or if they really exist, Mark Hendrickson used to play basketball with the Spurs I think, Scott Kazmir is supposed to be good, but Im still coming to grips with the fact that there are professional athletes younger than I am, and he is, so I dont like him. Seth McClung is a tall red headed guy, and thats about it. Now outside of Kazmir how many of these guys would even be on another teams roster, or if they made the roster be more than a 11th 12th man in the pen. None of them, and Dewon Brazelton sucks too so no help there.
The bats are just as bad, Toby Hall, it seems like hes been talked about as a big up and comer for years, but now hes nearly thirty years old, so I dont think hes going to be getting any better, not only that but I bought into his hype three years ago and drafted him for my fantasy team, thinking he would be the ultimate sleeper pick, but he killed my roto team for about three weeks before i dropped him, so I have a reason to dislike him. Apparently Eduardo Perez still plays, Julio Lugo is effective when hes not beating his wife in the parking lot after games, Alex Gonzalez is one of the 27 Alex Gonzalezes playing in the league, and they may or may not all be the same person. Actually I think it is a MLB rule that each team must be carrying at least one Alex Gonzalez on their roster at all times. And Jorge Cantu, I mean nothing can prepare you for the Jorge Cantu closeup on the TV screen. Anyways by now you get my point The D Rays suck, I mean Carl Crawford should be good, and Baldelli, as well as Delmon Young, and possibly BJ Upton if he ever learns to play defense, but thats years away and those guys arent sure things, and I dont think they have any pitching in their system.
Also is there anyone in Tampa who actual watches or cares about this team, are there such things as die hard D-Ray fans, why would there be?, and who? The team has only one more than 70 games once since their inception, at least Arizona the D-Rays sister expansion team, (why is it never brother when comparing things like this) have won a World Series and had some excitement. Oh well, and also my heart goes out to Rod Allen because tonight he got put in his place by an emailer who asked if any of Rods 11 career big league hits came off good pitchers. Ouch. You know that had to hurt him too, because he talks as though he were an integral member of the 84 championship team. At first it sounded like he was going to dispute the facts, but he knew deep down the guy was right. I bet he flipped over the production fan for forwarding that question through as well as punish Impembas asshole tonight for reading it on air. Well at least now we know Mike Flanagan and Frank Viola share the ignominy of allowing a hit to Rod Allen, when this was relayed to Viola he responded by saying "Who the fuck is Ron Allen?"
I got to watch tonights Tiger game on FSN Detroit for two reasons,
1: because it was actually being aired, and
2: there was no Pistons game on to rival it.
However there is not a more boring team to watch than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. I have never heard of any of the guys on their team, and the ones I have heard of are pretty depressing in the fact that you know they are at the end of the road guys like Charles Johnson,Hideo Nomo, and Casey Fossum, who was a key part of the trade that brought Curt Schilling to Boston................somehow. They also have the immortal Trever Miller, I believe I own about 500 1991 Topps Trever Miller draft pick baseball cards. A card that made me hope that one day Trever Miller would someday become a superstar, I mean if Topps picked him to be on a card so early in his career he must be good, because Topps had an eye for talent back then, making similar cards for Steve Searcy, and Hensley Meulens............nevermind. I'll run through the D-Rays roster really quick:
Danys Baez: Seemed like he was a big deal when he first arrived on the raft from Cuba, was with the Indians during the end of their AL Central Salad Days, always seemed to disappoint as a starter, and somehow ended up being traded to the D-Rays, also Ive never known how to properly say his first name is the S at the end silent?
Lance Carter: Brother of Aaron and Nick Carter, who gave up pursuit of celebrity in favor of a baseball career......well I made that up but Im sure its far more interesting than anything he has ever actually done in real life, although he may be the worst All-Star representative........ever.
Jesus Colome: I know nothing about this guy, but I like his name, possibly a stage name and my future porn movie name, although Im leaning towards Zesty Alvarado if and when I choose that path.
Lets just run through the rest of the pitchers, Ive already mentioned Fossum, I dont know who Travis Harper, John Switzer, or Doug Waechter are, or if they really exist, Mark Hendrickson used to play basketball with the Spurs I think, Scott Kazmir is supposed to be good, but Im still coming to grips with the fact that there are professional athletes younger than I am, and he is, so I dont like him. Seth McClung is a tall red headed guy, and thats about it. Now outside of Kazmir how many of these guys would even be on another teams roster, or if they made the roster be more than a 11th 12th man in the pen. None of them, and Dewon Brazelton sucks too so no help there.
The bats are just as bad, Toby Hall, it seems like hes been talked about as a big up and comer for years, but now hes nearly thirty years old, so I dont think hes going to be getting any better, not only that but I bought into his hype three years ago and drafted him for my fantasy team, thinking he would be the ultimate sleeper pick, but he killed my roto team for about three weeks before i dropped him, so I have a reason to dislike him. Apparently Eduardo Perez still plays, Julio Lugo is effective when hes not beating his wife in the parking lot after games, Alex Gonzalez is one of the 27 Alex Gonzalezes playing in the league, and they may or may not all be the same person. Actually I think it is a MLB rule that each team must be carrying at least one Alex Gonzalez on their roster at all times. And Jorge Cantu, I mean nothing can prepare you for the Jorge Cantu closeup on the TV screen. Anyways by now you get my point The D Rays suck, I mean Carl Crawford should be good, and Baldelli, as well as Delmon Young, and possibly BJ Upton if he ever learns to play defense, but thats years away and those guys arent sure things, and I dont think they have any pitching in their system.
Also is there anyone in Tampa who actual watches or cares about this team, are there such things as die hard D-Ray fans, why would there be?, and who? The team has only one more than 70 games once since their inception, at least Arizona the D-Rays sister expansion team, (why is it never brother when comparing things like this) have won a World Series and had some excitement. Oh well, and also my heart goes out to Rod Allen because tonight he got put in his place by an emailer who asked if any of Rods 11 career big league hits came off good pitchers. Ouch. You know that had to hurt him too, because he talks as though he were an integral member of the 84 championship team. At first it sounded like he was going to dispute the facts, but he knew deep down the guy was right. I bet he flipped over the production fan for forwarding that question through as well as punish Impembas asshole tonight for reading it on air. Well at least now we know Mike Flanagan and Frank Viola share the ignominy of allowing a hit to Rod Allen, when this was relayed to Viola he responded by saying "Who the fuck is Ron Allen?"
Team Digital
I can never think of any creative titles for my posts so I have to dip into obscure references from old Nickelodeon game shows, this one (obviously?) from Get The Picture, which, thanks to the emergence of Nick GAS, quite possibly the greatest network of all time, allows me, no wait, all of us to enjoy the antics of Mike O'Malley once again. Speaking of Mike O'Malley, he now plays an integral part of my daily routine, my night usually winds down around the time of the aforementioned Get the Picture, and of course GUTS, and my night officially ends when I laugh at one of Mike O'Malleys jokes on his respective shows, which clearly shows me my lack of sleep is making me delusional.
However, and this is the last thing I will write about Mike O'Malley, possibly ever, but he was much funnier on a childrens game show that aired over a decade ago, then he is on his current TV gig, Yes Dear. Yes Dear may possibly be the worst show in the history of television, I mean ever. If I had to wait to laugh at that show before I went to bed it wouldn't happen, I would never get to sleep, I would die from exhaustion, even if towards the end of the second week of waiting to laugh when a person would normally start to laugh uncontrollably because of delirium, I still wouldnt laugh. That is how powerfully unfunny Yes Dear is. I hate CBS and all of their sitcoms. Thank God that Everybody Loves Raymond came to an end. I never in my life willingly watched that show, I have had the unpleasant experience of viewing that show several times because my room mate LOVED it. King of Queens is equally bad.
I remember CBS sucking throughout the early part of my life, I believe it was the original home of Diagnosis Murder and Walker Texas Ranger, and I avoided CBS like the plague, I couldn't even tell you what channel it was on. It was during this time the people in control of CBS came up with a brilliant idea, women constitute over fifty percent of the U.S. population, so CBS, beginning with Raymond, catered to the female audience, by creating a show with a domineering woman and a totally submissive and pussy whipped husband. And it worked, women loved it and watched in massive numbers, however as an added bonus, these women, I am assuming encouraged by Patricia Heatons character, became the dominant partner in their relationship, and forced their pussy-whipped boyfriends/husbands to watch this new brand of sitcoms with them. Following the success of Raymond, the unwatchable King of Queens was spawned, I will save King of Queens for another post for I could not possibly do justice to the hate, HATE, I feel for this show in the rest of this post. (I will mention that this show was responsible with giving the world Kevin James in shorts, a sight so obscene it should not be allowed on network television).
Also spawning from Raymond was Yes Dear. Oh god how I hate Yes Dear, the lead actor on that show is the most insufferable whiny character ever, whole episodes are revolved around the fathers fragile ego, and how his sons run to their uncle instead of him when scared during a thunderstorm (I wonder why they see him as such a weak man, when all they ever witness from him is incessant bitching and crying). Somehow these shows make it to syndication where a whole new generation of young lovers is introduced to them, people like my room mate and his girlfriend. They watch these shows and because of this fresh, new, possibly cutting edge comedies and animated shows are cancelled, because the viewership that they so desperately need, mostly from young male audiences is sucked away, timidly laughing with their significant other as Keri emasculates Doug in front of his friends and co-workers. These negative male stereotypes are being re-enforced while shows like Family Guy, Futurama, and Arrested Development teeter on the edge of cancellation. So when society and civilization come crashing down in the near future and a New World Order of women takes control, we can look forward to one day driving our children to the new national monument, a redefined Mount Rushmore where future generation can celebrate the contributions that Leah Remini, Patricia Heaton, and Kevin James made to this new hell on earth.
However, and this is the last thing I will write about Mike O'Malley, possibly ever, but he was much funnier on a childrens game show that aired over a decade ago, then he is on his current TV gig, Yes Dear. Yes Dear may possibly be the worst show in the history of television, I mean ever. If I had to wait to laugh at that show before I went to bed it wouldn't happen, I would never get to sleep, I would die from exhaustion, even if towards the end of the second week of waiting to laugh when a person would normally start to laugh uncontrollably because of delirium, I still wouldnt laugh. That is how powerfully unfunny Yes Dear is. I hate CBS and all of their sitcoms. Thank God that Everybody Loves Raymond came to an end. I never in my life willingly watched that show, I have had the unpleasant experience of viewing that show several times because my room mate LOVED it. King of Queens is equally bad.
I remember CBS sucking throughout the early part of my life, I believe it was the original home of Diagnosis Murder and Walker Texas Ranger, and I avoided CBS like the plague, I couldn't even tell you what channel it was on. It was during this time the people in control of CBS came up with a brilliant idea, women constitute over fifty percent of the U.S. population, so CBS, beginning with Raymond, catered to the female audience, by creating a show with a domineering woman and a totally submissive and pussy whipped husband. And it worked, women loved it and watched in massive numbers, however as an added bonus, these women, I am assuming encouraged by Patricia Heatons character, became the dominant partner in their relationship, and forced their pussy-whipped boyfriends/husbands to watch this new brand of sitcoms with them. Following the success of Raymond, the unwatchable King of Queens was spawned, I will save King of Queens for another post for I could not possibly do justice to the hate, HATE, I feel for this show in the rest of this post. (I will mention that this show was responsible with giving the world Kevin James in shorts, a sight so obscene it should not be allowed on network television).
Also spawning from Raymond was Yes Dear. Oh god how I hate Yes Dear, the lead actor on that show is the most insufferable whiny character ever, whole episodes are revolved around the fathers fragile ego, and how his sons run to their uncle instead of him when scared during a thunderstorm (I wonder why they see him as such a weak man, when all they ever witness from him is incessant bitching and crying). Somehow these shows make it to syndication where a whole new generation of young lovers is introduced to them, people like my room mate and his girlfriend. They watch these shows and because of this fresh, new, possibly cutting edge comedies and animated shows are cancelled, because the viewership that they so desperately need, mostly from young male audiences is sucked away, timidly laughing with their significant other as Keri emasculates Doug in front of his friends and co-workers. These negative male stereotypes are being re-enforced while shows like Family Guy, Futurama, and Arrested Development teeter on the edge of cancellation. So when society and civilization come crashing down in the near future and a New World Order of women takes control, we can look forward to one day driving our children to the new national monument, a redefined Mount Rushmore where future generation can celebrate the contributions that Leah Remini, Patricia Heaton, and Kevin James made to this new hell on earth.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Misc. Word Salad
Once again I have been over ambitious, well only for my standards, most people would be quite capable of sitting down and updating a running journal of the Tigers season for 30 minutes a day, however the difference between me and those people is that they have lives. Its been over a month since my last entry but I am determined to make this work, and I have been busy so LAY OFF ME. I am also going to expand the scope of my blog, (I still havent thought of a synonym for that word, which I refuse to type again). Anyways since my last post the Tigers two big free agent signings from this past winter have blown up. First off Magglio Ordonez started off the season batting 0-10, came down with the Ebola virus, and is now going to miss the next 3 or 4 months with a hernia, wait no, it isnt a hernia, or is it, better go see three more specialists, ok it is a hernia. See I am not a doctor, but I think the one injury I could probably diagnose myself would be a hernia. I did take anatomy in high school and have seen pictures, not to mention my grandpa after his hernia operation, an event that I don't think Im ready to talk about yet but am sure to be telling a therapist in twenty years, and I know that if all of my intestines have fallen into my sac I probably have a hernia. So who the hell knows when Magglio will be back and ready to be effective. I do know that if we did have him we would not be a game under .500.
Also Troy Percival has made his annual trip to the DL, with a torn muscle in his forearm, which ironically is known to be great for closers in their mid 30's who have been experiencing a drop in velocity and strikeout totals..........so Ugueth is back to closing for the next month and a half or so.
The biggest story, well not the biggest but most enjoyable for me, in the five weeks of the season has been the stellar play of Nook Logan. I have been a Nook fan since last season when I first laid eyes on the tall, beanpole, Southerner with his hat cocked sideways and laid atop his afro which poked out at the sides not to be confined to the constraints of a rigid baseball cap..............Im sorry about that I was obviously trying to channel the ghost of George Plimpton with that last sentence, wait no, that sentence was written much too generically for someone like George Plimpton, so I was channeling the ghost of Dean Howe a man who may or may not still be alive but only recognizable by the ghostly viasge that adorns the top of his Flint Journal column.
Nook Logan must be the type of player Oscar Gamble pictured himself as being if he could play in the twenty first century, only without power and Nook is not a cyborg. This is not to say that I dont hope that the game of baseball will develop into a game similar to BaseWars for Nintendo, a game where ties dont go to the runner but to whichever robot survives the impromptu death match that occurs on the bag. I also dont think that Nook will ever hit a homerun in his career, or at least one that makes it into the stands. One last thing about Nook Logan, Karl Ravech needs to stop calling him "Nuke" Logan, its Nook, as in the place where Mr. Ravech eats his Oreo cookies off of John Kruk's stomach before heading to work in the morning.
Speaking of ESPN its sad to see what has happened to their NHL guys. E.j. Hradek who writes for the Magazine has been relegated to covering obscure horse racing stories that everyone who gets the mag is going to skip over, unless its the only magazine they have on a trans-atlantic flight, even then it will probably be used more as a gum wrapper page when the in flight meal comes, replacing Dan Le Betards column as least readable article. Let me guess what its about, a jockey overcomes drug/alcohol/spousal abuse/car accident/shooting/forest fire, which derails once promising career, (as if there is such a thing as a promising jockey career), re-establishes himself at local track, falls for some domineering giant of a woman, gets to ride potential Kentucky Derby winner, gains redemption. Touching, but Ive read it before, about 133 times. Meanwhile John Buccigross is manning the graveyard shift ESPNEWZ chair, where he is so out of his element hes making obscure Foo Fighter references while hoping he can earn enough money he needs to buy the bullet that can end this hellish non-NHL world for him. However Steve Levy apparently showed enough range in Fever Pitch to earn a spot on Sportcenter, either that or he was the only guy in Bristol who would work with Stuart Scott and his puffy eyed multiple step handshakes. Barry Melrose is AWOL, and Im going to bed.
Also Troy Percival has made his annual trip to the DL, with a torn muscle in his forearm, which ironically is known to be great for closers in their mid 30's who have been experiencing a drop in velocity and strikeout totals..........so Ugueth is back to closing for the next month and a half or so.
The biggest story, well not the biggest but most enjoyable for me, in the five weeks of the season has been the stellar play of Nook Logan. I have been a Nook fan since last season when I first laid eyes on the tall, beanpole, Southerner with his hat cocked sideways and laid atop his afro which poked out at the sides not to be confined to the constraints of a rigid baseball cap..............Im sorry about that I was obviously trying to channel the ghost of George Plimpton with that last sentence, wait no, that sentence was written much too generically for someone like George Plimpton, so I was channeling the ghost of Dean Howe a man who may or may not still be alive but only recognizable by the ghostly viasge that adorns the top of his Flint Journal column.
Nook Logan must be the type of player Oscar Gamble pictured himself as being if he could play in the twenty first century, only without power and Nook is not a cyborg. This is not to say that I dont hope that the game of baseball will develop into a game similar to BaseWars for Nintendo, a game where ties dont go to the runner but to whichever robot survives the impromptu death match that occurs on the bag. I also dont think that Nook will ever hit a homerun in his career, or at least one that makes it into the stands. One last thing about Nook Logan, Karl Ravech needs to stop calling him "Nuke" Logan, its Nook, as in the place where Mr. Ravech eats his Oreo cookies off of John Kruk's stomach before heading to work in the morning.
Speaking of ESPN its sad to see what has happened to their NHL guys. E.j. Hradek who writes for the Magazine has been relegated to covering obscure horse racing stories that everyone who gets the mag is going to skip over, unless its the only magazine they have on a trans-atlantic flight, even then it will probably be used more as a gum wrapper page when the in flight meal comes, replacing Dan Le Betards column as least readable article. Let me guess what its about, a jockey overcomes drug/alcohol/spousal abuse/car accident/shooting/forest fire, which derails once promising career, (as if there is such a thing as a promising jockey career), re-establishes himself at local track, falls for some domineering giant of a woman, gets to ride potential Kentucky Derby winner, gains redemption. Touching, but Ive read it before, about 133 times. Meanwhile John Buccigross is manning the graveyard shift ESPNEWZ chair, where he is so out of his element hes making obscure Foo Fighter references while hoping he can earn enough money he needs to buy the bullet that can end this hellish non-NHL world for him. However Steve Levy apparently showed enough range in Fever Pitch to earn a spot on Sportcenter, either that or he was the only guy in Bristol who would work with Stuart Scott and his puffy eyed multiple step handshakes. Barry Melrose is AWOL, and Im going to bed.
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Pitching rotation
OK the Bonderman post went on for about two paragraphs to long, so I'm gonna run through the rest of the starting rotation.
No. 2 Mike Maroth. I actually had the pleasure of being in attendance at the game Mike Maroth made his debut, against the Phillies in 2002. I received the ticket as a payback from a friend who had owed me money for a ticket I had bought him for a previous game. Of course later I found out he received the tickets for free, which sparked a debate about whether or not that should constitute payback, an issue that remains unresolved to this day. Well Maroth pitched great that day, and I had the feeling that one day I was going to be telling my grandkids about this game while looking at Maroth's shrine in Cooperstown, when reality set in.......I'll probably never have grandkids, because that would require me having sex without paying for it AND consensually, a rather unlikely scenario.....also Maroth wouldnt be that good on a consistent basis. I really fell off the wagon with him later that year when a little lefty named Andy Van Hekken stole my heart, luckily he gave it back when I saw him working behind the counter at a Marathon station. Maroth is a solid lefty, who does have the occasional gem, i.e. Yankees game last July, and he probably gets the most out of what he has. He's also half responsible for the horrible Mike Marothra joke, Impemba laid on us last spring training while facing Matsui. My prediction 13-12, 4.50 ERA, 1 uncanny resemblance to my college roommate.
No. 3 Nate Robertson. Another lefthander, although completely different from Matroth, in the fact that he can throw over 60 MPH. He is a good power lefty, I dont know what pitches he throws but he throws them hard. It will be interesting to see how well he does in his second season, because he sort of tailed off in the second half of last year. Hopefully from fatigue, and not because hitters were getting used to his stuff. Acquired in another good trade by Dombrowski in which we gave up Redman, for Robertson and Knotts (ugh). I also accidentally created him in my All-Star baseball game even though he already existed, leading to the sci-fiesque scenario in which he outdueled himself in the playoffs against the Marlins. A game of high drama as they literally matched each other pitch for pitch.
My prediction. 13-10, 4.70 ERA, 160 K's.
No. 4. Jason Johnson. Dirtbag. No this guy is adequate, was magical on Opening Day of last season, pitching a shut out against the Blue Jays, outdueling Roy Halladay, with a knee buckling curve, and a fastball that was darting so much it was unfair for the Kevin Cash's of the world. I thought he was a steal at the time, but after going 0-after July, I thought he was stealing our money. He always seems to start off strong, and his bad spring, is cause for some concern, because this is usually the time of year when he is at his sharpest. He is an intimidating presence on the mound only due to the fact that he looks like a scarecrow, and even though he is listed at 6-6 he is probably closer to thirty feet tall.
My Prediction: 9-14, 5.30 ERA, possible trade bait, possibly lose spot in rotation, if he starts out slow. Of course I have no facts to back me up on this.
No. 5 Wilfredo Ledezma If I were him I would go by Fredo, instead of Wil, although the 1 L is a nice touch. I expect big things from Ledezma, maybe not this year but in the future. I think he will be solid, and a pleasant surprise for this team. Dombrowski has been making a killing in the Rule V draft (Shelton, Roney, Spurling, Ledezma) over the last couple of years, and Ledezma is at the front of the pack. He has a killer fastball, and excellent curve, but after that it gets kind of dicey. I have a friend who is really high on Ledezma and has been raving about him for a couple of years, Ledezma just seems to have it. I also like the fact that he is listed at 6'3 150, because us tall skinny guys need to stick together, support one another, Its getting late so these jokes are getting pretty lame, or rather more lame, if you have read this far I applaud your patience.
My Prediction: 11-7, 4.20 ERA
No. 2 Mike Maroth. I actually had the pleasure of being in attendance at the game Mike Maroth made his debut, against the Phillies in 2002. I received the ticket as a payback from a friend who had owed me money for a ticket I had bought him for a previous game. Of course later I found out he received the tickets for free, which sparked a debate about whether or not that should constitute payback, an issue that remains unresolved to this day. Well Maroth pitched great that day, and I had the feeling that one day I was going to be telling my grandkids about this game while looking at Maroth's shrine in Cooperstown, when reality set in.......I'll probably never have grandkids, because that would require me having sex without paying for it AND consensually, a rather unlikely scenario.....also Maroth wouldnt be that good on a consistent basis. I really fell off the wagon with him later that year when a little lefty named Andy Van Hekken stole my heart, luckily he gave it back when I saw him working behind the counter at a Marathon station. Maroth is a solid lefty, who does have the occasional gem, i.e. Yankees game last July, and he probably gets the most out of what he has. He's also half responsible for the horrible Mike Marothra joke, Impemba laid on us last spring training while facing Matsui. My prediction 13-12, 4.50 ERA, 1 uncanny resemblance to my college roommate.
No. 3 Nate Robertson. Another lefthander, although completely different from Matroth, in the fact that he can throw over 60 MPH. He is a good power lefty, I dont know what pitches he throws but he throws them hard. It will be interesting to see how well he does in his second season, because he sort of tailed off in the second half of last year. Hopefully from fatigue, and not because hitters were getting used to his stuff. Acquired in another good trade by Dombrowski in which we gave up Redman, for Robertson and Knotts (ugh). I also accidentally created him in my All-Star baseball game even though he already existed, leading to the sci-fiesque scenario in which he outdueled himself in the playoffs against the Marlins. A game of high drama as they literally matched each other pitch for pitch.
My prediction. 13-10, 4.70 ERA, 160 K's.
No. 4. Jason Johnson. Dirtbag. No this guy is adequate, was magical on Opening Day of last season, pitching a shut out against the Blue Jays, outdueling Roy Halladay, with a knee buckling curve, and a fastball that was darting so much it was unfair for the Kevin Cash's of the world. I thought he was a steal at the time, but after going 0-after July, I thought he was stealing our money. He always seems to start off strong, and his bad spring, is cause for some concern, because this is usually the time of year when he is at his sharpest. He is an intimidating presence on the mound only due to the fact that he looks like a scarecrow, and even though he is listed at 6-6 he is probably closer to thirty feet tall.
My Prediction: 9-14, 5.30 ERA, possible trade bait, possibly lose spot in rotation, if he starts out slow. Of course I have no facts to back me up on this.
No. 5 Wilfredo Ledezma If I were him I would go by Fredo, instead of Wil, although the 1 L is a nice touch. I expect big things from Ledezma, maybe not this year but in the future. I think he will be solid, and a pleasant surprise for this team. Dombrowski has been making a killing in the Rule V draft (Shelton, Roney, Spurling, Ledezma) over the last couple of years, and Ledezma is at the front of the pack. He has a killer fastball, and excellent curve, but after that it gets kind of dicey. I have a friend who is really high on Ledezma and has been raving about him for a couple of years, Ledezma just seems to have it. I also like the fact that he is listed at 6'3 150, because us tall skinny guys need to stick together, support one another, Its getting late so these jokes are getting pretty lame, or rather more lame, if you have read this far I applaud your patience.
My Prediction: 11-7, 4.20 ERA
Bullpen
This is an area that was a real killer for the Tigers last season as they were tied for the league lead in blown saves. Luckily most of the culprits from last seasons disastrous late innings are gone. Thats right Im looking at you Al Levine, who caused quite an uproar when he decided not to pitch on Yom Kippur last season, making Tigers fans regret that the Jewish holiday only came once a year. Anyways here is a rundown on the bullpen.
Kyle Farnsworth. Resident badass, who has a chance to achieve the status of being my all time favorite Tiger pitcher, alongside Matt Anderson, an echelon that Steve Sparks could only dream of. Although I love Sparks, I'll save that for later time. Farnsworth throws gas, but has a tendency to get cute with off speed stuff, which usually ends up on the other side of the fence, much like Anderson's knuckle curve. Farnsworth also iced Paul Wilson in a brawl, that rivaled Nolan Ryan's beatdown on Ventura. He also sprained a knee kicking a dugout air conditioner, and is believed to struggle in day games due to hangovers. Did I mention he throws 100MPH, I mean how cool is this guy.
Franklyn German. Scares the hell out of me, 6-7, 270 lbs, Jesus Christ, I like to got on players at games, or at least I think I get on them, but I won't mess with German. Control has always been his problem at the major league level, but he had a great spring and hopefully is ready to produce consistently. He'll never be the closer he was touted to be when we got him in the Weaver trade, but hopefully he'll be an adequate arm.
Matt Ginter. I know nothing about this guy. I know we got him in a trade with the Mets for that dirtbag Colyer, and he had a scoreless spring in 14 innings. Vance Wilson raves about him........for whatever thats worth.
Troy Percival. It seems like a lot of people in the national media ripped this acquisition, and think we overpaid for him. He definitely is on the backside of his career, and his K's are down quite a bit and continue to trend downward. However he is an effective closer still, rarely blows saves, and had an ERA of 2.90 last year, which is pretty good. He also used to kill the Tigers, it seems like every time he pitched against us for about a decade we couldnt hit this guy. So I'm glad he is on our side now, and our bullpen was horrific last season, so if we can move someone as effective as Ugueth to a setup role, I think it says a lot about our bullpen depth.
Kyle Farnsworth. Resident badass, who has a chance to achieve the status of being my all time favorite Tiger pitcher, alongside Matt Anderson, an echelon that Steve Sparks could only dream of. Although I love Sparks, I'll save that for later time. Farnsworth throws gas, but has a tendency to get cute with off speed stuff, which usually ends up on the other side of the fence, much like Anderson's knuckle curve. Farnsworth also iced Paul Wilson in a brawl, that rivaled Nolan Ryan's beatdown on Ventura. He also sprained a knee kicking a dugout air conditioner, and is believed to struggle in day games due to hangovers. Did I mention he throws 100MPH, I mean how cool is this guy.
Franklyn German. Scares the hell out of me, 6-7, 270 lbs, Jesus Christ, I like to got on players at games, or at least I think I get on them, but I won't mess with German. Control has always been his problem at the major league level, but he had a great spring and hopefully is ready to produce consistently. He'll never be the closer he was touted to be when we got him in the Weaver trade, but hopefully he'll be an adequate arm.
Matt Ginter. I know nothing about this guy. I know we got him in a trade with the Mets for that dirtbag Colyer, and he had a scoreless spring in 14 innings. Vance Wilson raves about him........for whatever thats worth.
Troy Percival. It seems like a lot of people in the national media ripped this acquisition, and think we overpaid for him. He definitely is on the backside of his career, and his K's are down quite a bit and continue to trend downward. However he is an effective closer still, rarely blows saves, and had an ERA of 2.90 last year, which is pretty good. He also used to kill the Tigers, it seems like every time he pitched against us for about a decade we couldnt hit this guy. So I'm glad he is on our side now, and our bullpen was horrific last season, so if we can move someone as effective as Ugueth to a setup role, I think it says a lot about our bullpen depth.
Bonderman
Well, after watching Bonderman pitch on Monday, I would have to say that it's fairly certain that he will have a stranglehold on the A.L. Cy Young award for the next decade or so. Bonderman has sparked an interesting debate amongst my friends, with estimates on his win total for this season ranging from a very skeptical, and typical cynical view from a young Tiger fan accustomed to heartache and losing, low of 11 to a very ambitious, and obviously drug induced, estimate of 20 victories. I have to say that I'll take the safe route and middle road amongst these predictions, and guess that Bonderman will have 15 or 16 wins, 8-10 losses, an ERA in the high 3's, and among the A.L. leaders in K's. Which is great when you consider the fact that he is only 22, and could have been devastated by his disastrous rookie season in which he was 6-19, with a 5.56 ERA. I am not looking forward to what the Tigers are going to have to pay to re-sign him when he hits free agency in a few years, and barring an injury (20 Second Timeout: Quickly pray that Bonderman's arm doesn't explode in the next couple of years. I mean his mechanics are good, at least I think they are, how the hell would I know, Ive never pitched, and Bob Cluck doesnt seem like an asshole that would lie about something like that........but with young pitcher you never know, I mean I dont think the human body is designed to throw 120 baseballs 90 MPH)......Bonderman really should be coming into his own. This probably means a pretty steep price tag right at a time when Mags, and Pudge will be making the most cash in their deals. Oh well, thats still a long ways off, and I am just going to try and enjoy Bonderman while I can. I also think Billy Beane, not Bill Bean who played for the Tigers in the late 80's, (nevermind they both did), may have made a mistake in trading Bonderman. Wait no he couldn't have because he is a genius, remember. I mean he did get 1 and a half seasons out of Ted Lilly in the trade, a player who he later parlayed into perennial all-star Bobby Kielty. In return the Tigers got there future No.1 a solid young first baseman, and German. I dont think Dave Dombrowski gets enough credit as a GM, I mean he was building teams to be successful while Beane was playing some forgettable baseball with the Twins. Also who would have guessed that Bonderman was already married, I mean sure he is a major league player, who stands to make a lot of money, but he looks like a toad. Hmm.......I wonder if his wife is as hot as Mrs. Shane Halter, someone investigate this for me.......wait no one is here, moving on.
Tigers Blog
This is my second attempt at keeping a blog, a word that I hate to use, and seem to hear exponentially more with each passing day. For some reason it just sounds vulgar to me, like I'm describing some kind of bodily function or lewd act. Anyways I will not bore the many people who are not reading this with any details about myself other than the fact that I am a 22 year old, lifelong Tigers fan. I am a big Detroit sports fan in general, but I care more about the Tigers and their successes, or mostly failures, than any other team. I have been meaning to start a "blog", (ugh that word again. Im going to have t think of another name to call this page) that chronicles this season as not just a Tigers fan, but a baseball fan in general. I am involved in a couple of fantasy leagues, which should be able to keep me on top of most of the action throughout the majors. Wait who are we kidding, fantasy sports will keep me on top of all the action in the majors, as I will surely peruse over box scores, and game recaps on a daily basis. If Gregg Zaun, comes within a double of the cycle, it will be reported, despite the lack of interest such a non-story will certainly fail to generate, even from Mr. Zaun himself, as I am sure he would likely be celebrating such an accomplishment by getting some high school girls he met after the game drunk off wine coolers, in hopes of getting a lay, but I digress. Anyways I was initially feeling ambitious enough to give a "scouting report" on all 30 MLB team along with some predictions for the upcoming season, however since the season is already underway, and I realized the effort that would be required to complete such a task I'll only give a detailed report on the Tigers, of course after I say the few original thoughts I have about the team, most of the rest will be borrowed from various other such reports, alas...........
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